PE Teacher

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Latest revision as of 17:49, August 11, 2011

“Those who can't do, teach. And those who can't teach, teach gym.”
~ Oscar Wilde on gym.

“Can't Stand Ya! Your underwear was stick'n out of your shorts during gym class.”
~ PE Teacher on George Costanza
PE Teacher
Redcoat
Kingdom: Animal
Class: 4B, 3A and 2C this term
Family: Sadisticus Maximus
Religion: Satanist

PE teachers is an archaic British term for what are known in America and much of modern Britain as gym teachers. These are dangerous, poisonous (not to mention somewhat fat) and groping predators, which thrive in the dank, sweaty environs of High School Changing Rooms worldwide. They appear to exist on a strange diet of the humiliation of any Students who stray unaware into their domain. Their pervasive presence is known to have a malign influence on all species of High School Student except for the Jock, which for some reason flourishes in their presence.

edit Habitat

As observed, PE Teachers mainly thrive in Changing Rooms, but they are also known to hunt on sports fields and in Gymnasiums. They typically gravitate to locations such as these due to the lack of competition for their prey from other predators. It is in these environs that their hunting techniques are most effective. Other main locations are the football field, baseball field, track, or any other sports field. When seen out of their natural habitat, such as in a Staffroom, a Bar or at a Parents' Evening, they appear nervous, twitchy, ill at ease and unable to settle.

edit Plumage

The fully developed PE Teacher is a glorious sight, resplendent in slightly sweaty tracksuit, cheap trainers, off-white socks and with a whistle permanently strung about the neck. The head of the adult male is rarely covered with hair, either through baldness or a quite severe haircut intended to resemble that of a drill instructor.

Apart from this, there are few differences between the male and female of the species. The cleavage of the female - which can be politely described as "wilting" - are amply matched by the ass of the male. They share a certain rotundity of the midsection - a beer gut for the male, a result of using chocolate as a substitute for sex for the female. Also, PE Teachers of both sexes shave.

Although the males lack hair on their heads, expect the PE teachers to have glorious amounts of belly, chest and ass hair, especially the male species. Their displays to attract the attention of the students usually consist of pretending to do a headstand, failing, and allowing their t-shirts to fall down their chests to display in full glory the hair creeping up from their ass cracks and their saggy man boobs. Their faces also turn bright red, as if some immense strain has come over them while trying to lever themselves upright, similar to the face you pull when trying to push a massive crap out silently in a public toilet. Needless to say, this gives them a certain virile animal magnetism.

edit Hunting Techniques

As mentioned, the PE Teacher's primary source of sustenance is the humiliation of pupils in their charge. Over the years, they have developed some frighteningly sophisticated techniques for maximum humiliation extraction. These include:

edit Group Work

Class-teacher-pe

Teacher demonstrating the "bend over" exercise technique, rendering buttocks vulnerable for pervy staring

A simple technique to extract their food from a large group is to get them doing an activity that the majority of them either dislike, or are generally poor at. Examples include getting a group of boys to try ballet techniques, or asking the average bunch of girls to throw something - while there are those who excel, or enjoy themselves, enough humiliation can be extracted from the others to sustain the teacher quite comfortably.

Another popular method is to get the class to do something that makes almost everyone look a bit foolish - such as aerobics. Even if the class actually enjoy the activity, the simple employment of a disturbingly pervy stare will extract sufficient humiliation for the teacher's needs.

edit Isolate And Focus

This technique, by its very nature, requires a large group, but ends up with the humiliation of just one or two individuals. The hunter in this instance will feign concern for their prey - quickly isolating any choice targets who are unskilled in the arts of the sport they are currently practising. These unfortunate individuals, who were hoping to hide in the corner and be ignored, are then made the focus of attention as the teacher tries to get them to complete basic drills in front of the class. It is believed that the humiliation extracted in this manner is actually more potent than that extracted from larger groups, and so sustains the teacher longer - explaining this technique's popularity.

edit Maximum Exposure

Also known as the "if you've forgotten your kit you'll have to do it in your vest and underpants!" technique, this technique is in steep decline today, but has formed a staple part of the PE Teacher's armoury for several hundred years, notably at British public schools.

edit Same Prey

Some especially sadistic PE teachers have been known to hunt out a certain target every lesson, to abuse, insult and humiliate, just for the pure pleasure of it. They can pick on this prey for many years before having to let go and choose another , younger, more suitably gullible candidate to perv on for the rest of their young lives. An alternative to that is the PE teacher can choose somebody to nurture every lesson, using the smallest injury as a chance to have a small feel of their foot or chest. This is especially used on girls.

edit Strategies For Avoidance

As PE is still compulsory in the English curriculum, despite the best attempts of the Conservative government, potential prey has to employ cunning and guile to avoid being ensnared. Particularly as, as detailed above, simply forgetting one's kit is not so much a deterrent as encouragement to the predator. Of course, actually excelling at the sport in question is a good defence, but as this technique is not available to most in England, alternate methods are constantly employed. These range from the growing-in-popularity "sneaking off to the shops and learning to smoke instead" to the more desperate "breaking a limb". However, the most popular and effective strategy for avoiding these loathsome beasts remains the "note from Mummy".

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