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Pornography is the only form of gratification that does not carry the risk of pregnancy — or, for the male, the twin Purgatories of paternity and palimony. Porn is literally sex without the preacher and the lawyer, though they are right around the bend.
Pornography consists of nude people dancing and touching other people in ways that are inappropriate everywhere but the Internet. Porn movies let the viewer pretend he can do the impossible, in the same way as Star Trek and commercials for patent medicine.
It is Known to the State of California that porn causes cancer, though customers disregard this warning, just like the same claim made about drinking water and jogging. Broadly speaking, pornography is any medium in which the viewer suddenly loses all interest just after masturbating.
Pornography originated in the U.S. Military, when officers who married within the service were surprised that they were rarely getting serviced at all and sought alternative forms of expression. The Defense Advanced Research Projects Administration (DARPA) pioneered standards for the interconnection of computers and the interchange of information. Though originally designed to steal information from the Soviet Union faster than they could steal it from America, it was quickly "repurposed" to exchange female naughty bits instead. This was the origin of the Internet and the reason that its primary emphasis, besides collecting the names of people over $10,000 in debt who need resolution services, or who want an oil filter for a 1976 Ford Falcon, is pornography.
In the early days, there were severe issues with the quality of interchanged pornography. The earliest picture of an erect penis (outside the cave, of course) was in a format called "ASCII art." It aroused viewers much more poorly than it aroused foreign activists to demand alternatives to the "American Standard Code" for Hollywood to issue porn. Thus it was replaced with Unicode, which gave rise to unisex.
Another technical problem is mosaics. This distracting visual artifact derives from the days when Moses brought down the first pornography from the top of Mount Arafat, which he had mounted. The tablets containing the classic Debbie Does Palestine were of very poor quality, as the stone medium proved difficult to get off on.
When the Japanese took over high technology, mosaics were replaced by pixellization to better ensure that everyone would call for pornography while being denied its key benefit. The Japanese would hone this skill to perfection when they brought out the Prius.
For children, pornography takes the place of socializing and development, as "self-abuse" takes the place of abusing naïve schoolgirls. The porn watcher risks becoming an adult basement-dweller who spends all his time watching porn, still. To prevent this, society uses a tangle of movie ratings, broadcast taboos, and laws against exposing children to prurient discussions, unless one happens to be a public-school sex education teacher whose job is to get 8-year-olds in touch with their inner homo.
For adults, the risk is still present, even though they are, like, adults. An adult who spends all his time viewing porn will have no time left for any other activity. This means that a porn-based society would produce no widgets and have no Gross Domestic Product, war machine, or money to support a welfare state. (Denmark is the single exception to this, as its economy is based on Porn Tourism.)
Eventually, there is semen everywhere except its intended destination, the nation's population trends toward zero, and the nation must use Electronic Benefit Transfer to recruit Mexicans to work its fields and help desks.
Sin taxes persist without the continuing need to show harm. As cigarettes are taxed even after new varieties are developed that do not have secondhand smoke, are not addictive, and do not use tobacco, pornography taxes will be permanent even if someone should invent pornography that is not more fun than any other use of one's day. California, by the way, is making strides toward this goal, as its Health Department has proposed that pornographic actors cover their key body parts in latex.
The government must take even harsher measures when children are exploited in pornography. We know from talk radio that two things are true about this loathsome industry:
- Every victim it touches has her life irreparably ruined, and
- Every criminal has a sick mind and is guaranteed to do it again unless we put them into a registry, then a prison, then a wood-chipper.
As the government has never been any good at simply punishing wrongdoing, it sets out to do something at which it is much better: wrecking entire industries, where it has a long record of success ranging from poppies to insurance. Thus, rather than charge people who film minors, the government charges people who have a copy of a copy of the film. Pornography advances from a sin, giving rise to the sin taxes discussed above, to a full-fledged vice, justifying the hiring of an entire vice squad and even a Vice President.
The definitions are problematic as always. "Underage drinking" conjures up images of state troopers arresting toddlers with their brandy snifters, but it usually means not drinking by minors but by adults who are 20 instead of 21, whom police give a rap sheet so that legislators can get more votes from evangelicals. The definitions in kiddie porn are harder. For example, in the Southern United States, a girl can get married at 12 or 14. (Sometimes this requires the parent's consent, which mostly depends on whether Dad thinks the marriage will give him one more or one fewer farm hand.) Now fooling around is legal, but filming it is a life sentence. In addition, legislators now have to spend time dithering about the case where the girl took a selfie to be used in sexting. Talk radio teaches us that the young victim has irreparably ruined her own life and is guaranteed to be a recidivist unless we protect her with jail for life.
The bullet points above show that porn is such a problem that the reach of the United States cannot stop at the "water's edge" (as American pols say to bully their adversaries into voting for war). It is somehow the duty of national government to protect girls of other nations from the instant ruin of being filmed, even if both the filming and the thing filmed were legal where they occurred. Unable to explain who is harmed by downloading the millionth copy of a video, prosecutors do not mind that they cannot identify the victim at all. Just as the Long Arm of the Law comes to the rescue of Vietnamese girls working for Nike at less than the Seattle minimum wage, tax dollars ensure that they are not destroying their lives in a movie studio, but instead invisibly on the streets.
Lack of alternatives
Only three porn movies have been made since porn originally flooded onto the ARPAnet and crowded out military planning. Since all porn looks the same, movie studios have fooled people for decades by simply changing the names of these movies and then circulating them as new. The most famous of these is Deep Throat, a bare-everything thriller that began airing during the Richard Nixon administration.
Pornography is not a physical addiction, as pornography withdrawal does not result in shakes and convulsions — at least, no more than continuing to indulge in pornography does. And pornography does not interfere with "one or more major life functions," given that producing the resulting secretions is itself a major life function. Nevertheless, pornography is generally regarded as addictive, given that watching it is so much better than doing anything else.
When Congressmen move from misstatements into crashing their sports cars at 2:00 a.m., cheating on their spouses, and tweeting their genitalia, the next move is often to "check into alcohol rehab." However, none has ever held a press conference to say he is entering porn rehab. Rehabilitation is uniquely ineffective, because after three days without porn, the patient tends to want it more, not less.
One of the famous "twelve steps" of addiction rehab is for the addict to admit that he has a problem. However, in the case of porn, addicts spend almost as much time trying to give the impression they are not engaging in the practice as they do engaging in the practice. As the books, magazines, and videos arrive in the mail, the addict:
- Explains away his subscription to National Geographic by saying the naked African tribeswomen are not the true draw.
- Claims he is merely fascinated with Japan, hoping the neighbors do not know the difference between anime and hentai.
- States that the only reason to order a copy of The Devil Inside Mary Pickford is for a report due in his Literature class, as this semester they are studying "the classics."
Porn often arrives in a "plain brown wrapper," as purveyors do not realize that that is a dead giveaway. Once the neighbors realize there is a secret, they hardly have to know what the secret is. Playboy Magazine pursued the cover story of "mind-expanding interviews with opinion leaders," while its competitors opted for amateur gynecology to expand that other head. Ultimately its denials became its reality and Playboy is Number One in the collapsing market for interviews with opinion leaders.
Consumers who pester their Congressmen for a law forcing cable companies to offer channels "a la carte" ignore the fact that so many customers rely on "premium packages" to conceal their addiction. A subscriber can take all 30 premium channels and tell the neighbors he only wants to watch Univisión to brush up on his Spanish, hoping they do not notice that the Hamburger Channel is also in the package.
“Oh, Baby! Oh, yeah!”
Hardcore is porn that shows everything. Hardcore has serious problems with realism. For one thing, neither men nor women are that attractive in real life, nor in such states of arousal for more than a minute or two. (They only seem to be, at the tavern near closing time.) However, we go to the movies to see the ideal rather than the real; otherwise, we would have stayed at the tavern.
It is just as unrealistic that the viewer would ever actually be watching two other people have sex, especially from about two inches away. Fortunately, hardcore movies compensate with believable plots and realistic dialogue that is full of subtlety.
A more serious problem with hardcore is that it does not attract mainstream starlets, as they want to avoid the unavoidable conclusion that they are having sex for money. (It is not whoring when their declining careers compel them to film ads and lend their names to charity shows to benefit global warming.)
Softcore is porn that does not feature sex but simulated sex. In this type of sex, two lovers rub against each other unrealistically while the camera is put in ridiculous locations to suggest that they might somehow be achieving penetration. Softcore is the type of porn most commonly found on television channels such as Skinimax.
Softcore is most popular with women, who think that sex organs are gross and sex itself is messy. Women also think sex smells bad, and for this reason they avoid movies about sex. Softcore, then, is the result of turning pornographic movies into "chick flicks."
Softcore movies feature actresses over 30, desperately clinging to the hope that they are still hot, in one last futile shot at the fame that has always failed them.
Amazingly — like Bush repelling both Democrats (for threatening to interrupt their pleasure) and his fellow Republicans (for failing at it so spectacularly) — softcore is hated both by people who dislike porn and by porn addicts, even though it features no Bush at all. The only people who like softcore is the occasional mainstream film critic. These are over 30, desperately clinging to the hope that their careers are still hot, in one last futile shot at the fame that has always failed them.
Lesbian porn is intended for lesbians. This is a subgenre of fantasy films, based on the fiction that women like to touch and caress one another. Even lesbians do not find this convincing. After all, their partners have hairy legs and armpits but shave their heads (pictured). Fortunately, lesbian porn attracts a huge number of male viewers, who are worried that it will seem gay if they view porn that includes penises, and especially if they seem to be gazing at them.
Lesbian porn's dirty little secret is that there is something missing. These movies make do with semi-functional plastic facsimiles. The most important person in the production crew is the prop master. Anyone who graduates college as a prop designer usually drives a taxicab, as the prop master usually ducks into an adult shop on the way to the motel room where the movie is shot.
Connoisseurs of lesbian porn have to pretend that women like to caress plastic cylinders, as well as suck on them as though droplets would come out. Lesbian porn is often compared to a jigsaw puzzle with one large piece missing. Viewers are often compared to a puzzle missing many pieces.
Bestiality is sex with a counterpart after you exclude pieces of plastic, corpses, partners of the same sex, and inanimate objects; that is, sex with beasts. Those not in the know often misspell it beastiality, as they insist that bestiality would mean sex with the best, which they already claim to be having. However, the correct technical term is Doggie Porn, and a passable euphemism is "inter-species erotica."
Bestiality was first discussed in the Good Book, when Leviticus said to the Lay People:
|“||Do not have sexual relations with an animal and defile yourself with it; that is a perversion. For fuck's sake, will you stop having sex with my animals? If you're in the mood, have a wank. Yes, that includes the mule.||”|
The first bestiality classic in the modern era was Wag Magazine.
Bestiality is not the only reason why people put on fur suits to go to parties. However, no one who does has ever explained what the other reasons might be.
Careers in pornography
Becoming a porn star has replaced home ownership as the American dream as, unlike the latter, one does not have to repaint it or clean the gutters. Porn stars are actually paid to have sex all day with attractive and well-endowed co-stars. Unfortunately, the sheer allure of this career path means that so many people pursue it that it doesn't pay for crap. About the only job that pays worse is writing reviews of porn movies, and especially writing about pornography on a humor wiki.
The young stud considering a career as a porn star might consider:
- The Joy of Sex while being watched by a dozen stage hands wisecracking about his length, several cameramen sticking that thing way too close as he does likewise, and one smelly, middle-aged director wearing sunglasses, barking orders, and demanding that he change positions every two minutes.
- The need to take Viagra to guard against having too little desire, and a topical anesthetic to guard against having too much, though that is rarely the problem, as his partner is disinterested, seems to be stoned, and has done everybody else in the room and there is film of it.
- Frequent decisions between consenting to messier and more painful variations, versus seeming not to be a team player.
- The need for a weekly blood test so that he will not inadvertently kill any of the studio's other "properties" — nor they him, except that some of his co-stars have had sex with people other than porn stars over the weekend.
- The fact that all the medical and other information about him is with the studio's records custodian (whose former title was simply "custodian"), and open for inspection by government, though not yet transferred to Washington, D.C. or put into an on-line, searchable database, until they close that loophole.
Provided he lives that long, employers providing health care, neighbors with children, the local church, bank loan officers, and web-wise fiancées will want to know all about this phase of his life. Amazon is likely to apply its patents for one-click shopping to meet this need.
In the future
Futurists predict that soon the pornography fan will be able to carry entire photographs or even crude animations in digital form. They will all fit on a single thumb drive that will fit almost anywhere. This will let the user bring a partner with him as he journeys alone through jurisdictions where simple possession is twenty years' hard time.
For this Brave New World, Sandisk has announced a vibrating thumb drive, the Amuzer, which it claims will be a more compact solution than setting one's smartphone to vibrate rather than ring and asking the Front Desk to provide a wake-up call every fifteen seconds.
Not to keep bringing up California, but in 2015, the Golden State passed the "No Means No" law. It requires every horny boy to give his date a Breathalyzer and to have two witnesses that the consent was truly consensual, and every university to provide Awareness-Raising courses before the fact and Microagression Counseling afterward to determine which voluntary acts were actually rape. The law will provide a gigantic boost to Southern California's own pornography industry, as a result of doing to the risky institution of live, in-person sex what Obama-care did to the institution of employment.
| The Seven|