Ozzy Osbourne

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Ozzy osbourne 34

Metal Man Ozzy.

Ozzy Osbourne
Steamboat Ozzy
Background information
Born 3 December 1948 (1948-12-03) (age 65),
Aston, Birmingham, West Midlands, England
Genre(s) Gospel, Polka, Heavy Metal, Christian Rock
Occupation(s) Musician, Singer-songwriter, Drug Addict, Inciter of Mass Hysteria and Swooning
Instrument(s) Vocals,
Voice type(s) Makes your pee-pee quiver
Years active 1968–1992, 1995–present
“An intellectually sound, serene and tranquil individual, the sort of man I would be sure to respect. It is just unfortunate that those three qualities have been destroyed by alcohol, drug use and bat's blood.”
~ Immanuel Kant on Ozzy Osbourne
“What's this? A fucking red M&M in my M&M bowl? That's it, I'm not going on stage tonight!”
~ Ozzy Osbourne on why the show got cancelled
“Where's the remote control. Dammit Sharon, I've stepped in dog shit again!”
~ Ozzy Osbourne on life in the doghouse
“SHAAAAROOOOOOOONNNNN!!!!!”
~ Last words of Ozzy Osbourne

John Michael "Ozzy" Osbourne (born 3 December 1948), also known as "that mumbling vampire thing", is a Brummie from Birmingham who is believed to be made out of metal.

edit Early life

Jackinthebox

Chip off the old block: Ozzy's father Jack

On December 3rd, 1948, the rock/metal legend John Michael (aka "Ozzy") Osbourne was born. His childhood memories are not unusual ~ setting his sister on fire, hanging himself with clothesline just to see what it felt like, fantasizing he was killing his mother then masturbating for three hours, that sort of thing.

edit Pirates and Prison

2

The big ham @ home in Birmingham

PirateLOLzzy

The entertainer

In school Ozzy was basically a shy, goofy nobody. But he did appear in such plays as The Pirates of Penzance, enjoying showing off his deep dimples, quick smile, long hair, and well-formed body. In these engagements we see his earliest efforts to entertain and attract female attention to his ample nethers.

At one point John thought his life mission was to be a burglar. Late one night he broke into McDonalds and tried to steal dinner. An alarm went off and he panicked, locking himself in the walk-in freezer. The investigating officer, finding Ozzy nearly frozen and covered in icicles asked him, "what's your name boy?" Poor kid tried to tell him but his mouth was frozen shut. So he tried to tell him in sign language. The officer, thinking he was reaching for a gun, tasered him.

KnucklesOzzy

During the ample spare time John Michael suddenly found he had lots of he decided that he would tattoo the letters O-Z-Z-Y across his left knuckles with a sewing needle and some floor cleaner. Clever boy, he would never have the same problem again. Now if someone asked him his name and he couldn't talk, he'd just show them his knuckles. On that day the Ozzy Osbourne persona was born.

edit Music and Ozzy Osbourne

PolkaTulkBlues

Humble beginnings

Having realized prison sucks at an early age, and uninterested in manual labor, John Michael decided to try singing as a career. Banding together with Tony "Baloney" (years later known as 'Only I Own-i' and pssst...if you don't like it go fuck yourself) Iommi, William "Bill" Ward, and Terence "Geezer" Butler, the young renegades of funk gathered as many accordions as they could find and that day formed a signature youth soul band called "Polka Tulk Blues." They all, especially Ozzy (who was a changed man), knew the old adage:

“A child who plays accordion doesn't pick up a gun”
~ Andres “Turco” Gil
DaPOPE

His Roliness

It was 1968. The four outfitted themselves with these accordions and as many Crucifixes as they could. They knew the resistance they'd have to their wild brand of music and this comforted them. Their first gig was in a Middlesborough Church. Unfortunately the young group had misunderstood the terms "Christian", "Soul" and "Music" to mean "Satanic", "Heavy" and "Shit".

Needless to say they were ex-communicated immediately and the Pope himself was warned of their presence.

“Kill them immediately”
~ The Pope on Polka Tulk Blues

Fortunately the crew was able to bounce back from this minor setback and began touring the various pubs and clubs at the heart of the Vatican. They dropped the accordions because they were just too controversial, instead opting for the more melodic ripping sounds of the lead guitar, bass and drums. Ozzy's instrument of course were his lungs. They called themselves Earth for a time, since they spent a lot of time inhaling it in drunken oblivion after shows.

edit On Becoming Black Sabbath

It was at one of these clubs that a stoned MC who didn't know the bands name yelled across the bar "Hey, what the fuck is your bands name," to which they replied on the fly, "Black Sabbath." They wanted a unique name and sound - and were quite bored with the name "Earth" - so they picked that name on the spot from a discarded horror film flyer lying about on the ground. "Black Sabbath, fucking eh" they all said, in a chorus of agreement. And history was made.

edit The First Two Albums

Blacksabbath1

The Fab Four

10

Younger Years, Ozzy in Black Sabbath

Black Sabbath's celebrated first album imaginatively entitled "Black Sabbath" was released on Friday the 13th in February 1970. It featured Ozzy Osbourne on vocals, Tony Iommi on guitar, Geezer Bulter on bass, Bill Ward on drums, the front of a '69 Ford Torino GT, and a chainsaw (the latter to great effect). It should be noted that this was recorded simultaneously as a live demo and was not recorded using a multi-track system.

“We're only here for a short time. We know that. In three years time or even next week, they could be saying 'Who the hell are Black Sabbath?”
~ Ozzy to Andrew Tyler, Disc and Music Echo, 22 January 1972

It was around this time that Black Sabbath first met a woman named Sharona Arden. Sharona appealed to Ozzy's manic nature by bringing him cheeseburgers encrusted with diamonds four times a day. Her bitchy snobbery and signature name dropping (not to mention her daddy's multi-million dollar mansion she invited Ozzy and Iommi to for breakfast) made the band (especially Ozzy) take note.

Black Sabbath's first hit "Black Sabbath" was really about the secretive night life of Sharona. After reading a very old occult book that Ozzy had, Geezer had a dream of a dark figure at the end of his bed. It scared him half to death. In actuality, it was Sharona, though in his drugged out and drunken state neither he nor the rest of the band realized it.

“What is this that stands before me? Figure in black which points at me. Turn around quick, and start to run. Find out I'm the chosen one. Oh nooo! ”
~ Geezers midnight encounter as documented in a song
Weed-2

A lovely pattern made by a groupie with marijuana

Another famous song from this period is "Sweet Meat," interestingly enough a nickname Sharona had taken to calling Ozzy although they didn't have sex until much later. The cough at the beginning is not actually a cough but in fact Ozzy's dog Wilson farting loudly.

The band moved on to spread heavy metal (or hard rock as it was known in those days) like a disease through America. It rocked the world.

Onward Hoe

Pink panther

Wilson, passing the time while Ozzy was occupied with a groupie

Speaking of disease, the boys soon discovered groupies after coming to the United States, and LORD weren't they free and easy spirits. They quickly availed themselves of the exceptional beauties that appeared at their doors. It would go something like this: "knock knock"..."ummm, hello...can we do the nasty?" (door closes, sound of grunts and banging headboards).

Oz2naked2

Ozzy taking a load off in the kitchen

Preachers across the nation screamed they were all going to hell forthwith...while secretly reading of their exploits jealous as all hell.

Of course this was before the advent of AIDS, hepatitis, syphilis, gonorrhea, the crabs, herpes, or other venereal diseases. A vintage photo from this period shows a naked Ozzy and Geezer with groupies in their kitchen eating hash brownies and popcorn. Two of the three groupies were eating the boys (not shown).

Paranoid

Their second album "Paranoid," released in 1971, fit the bands' mental state at the time due to the inhalation of nearly five hundred metric tons of pot in six months, as well as from renewed threats from the Pope.

Interestingly enough, despite their first two albums success the band saw very little money. Manager Don Arden (Sharona's daddy) pocketed it all to pay for his own drugs and ho's, and for Sharona's spending excesses. The band who busted the face of music wide open, bringing it on hard and fast and angry and happening, bent over and took it up the tailpipe big time.

It was around this time that Ozzy, somehow resisting Sharona's intense appeal, met and married a pretty little Brit` named Thelma Riley, adopting a son named Elliot Kingsley. Together they had two children Jessica Starshine Osbourne and Louis John Osbourne.

edit Cocaine and the Rest of the Albums

OzMn

Ozzy Osbourne in happier times

One day in early 1971, the lead singer of a band on the same ticket as Sabbath Leslie East (or was that North?) was hanging out in a hotel after a show cutting up a line of this soft white powder on a table in their private lounge. Well, in walked the boys and their faces froze. They were ready to leave immediately but couldn't figure out a casual and non-nerdy way to do so. With a shrug, East offered a bit to Ozzy. Ozzy took the straw and sniffed one little tiny line. Quicker than a flash he reached out and grabbed the bag, inhaling the entire contents in one big whoof. Shrieking "I've found the meaning of life!" he instantly stuck to the ceiling. The other boys, seeing his amazing powers, were hooked.

Masters of Cocaine, released in 1971 was best known for the rousing ditties Children of the Snow and Solitude. With regard to Solitude, a debate is ongoing as to who is the singer: Ozzy or drummer Bill Ward.

“This song makes me want to fuck my cat.”
~ A comment regarding the song Solitude by bigpoopie69 (2 days ago), YouTube

Sabbath Bloody Sabbath and Sabotage

Mm blottr

Mickey Mouse Magic

After a while the band had a musical block. Some dealer said to try LSD, that it would help open new doors to sound ... so without hesitation each stuck several sheets to their tongues. Within minutes they created the monster metal album Sabbath Bloody Sabbath. Songs like "Fluffer Nutter," "Santa Cadaver," and "Spiral Aftereffects" were a few of the hits that resulted. Their next album Sabotage was written after the edge of the strychnine wore off and everyone was watching animated cartoons running around the studio.

It was during their tour for the Sabotage album that the Tony performed his legendary flute solo from "Hole in the Pie" minus the flute, blowing into the microphone instead for ten minutes. This was met with the enraptured, unconditional dedication of his fans in the front row. To this day that solo is still spoken of with great reverence. As to the rest of the Sabbath fans...95% of them were also tripping, so to pass the time they watched the tracers from the stage lighting bouncing off Tony's face, grunting approval.

Technical Ecstasy

Technical Ecstasy, released in 1976 contains a hit single "Dirty Women", the song many guys from then until today bless the band for writing as it graced them at concerts in the 70's and at Ozzfest most recently with women exposing their breasts at the urging of Ozzy (who is uninterested in anyone but Sharona's boobies of course - not so with Geezer, Tony, and Bill ...but in the past, yea verily I say, in the far, far distant past, way back when, ancient history really, like pre-Autumn 1986, well...).

Skulltombstone

Ozzy's thoughts about Sabbath lasting

In November 1977, while in rehearsal for their next album, and just days before the band was set to enter the studio, Ozzy quit the band. "The last Sabbath albums were just very depressing for me", Osbourne said.
“I was drinking like a fish for two years. It was just getting worse and worse, off one thing and on to another. Finally I nearly ended up an alcoholic.”
~ 1977, Ozzy Osbourne on why he quit Sabbath

When he quit, Ozzy talked to the press of an idea he was having to form his own band, The Blizzard Of Ozz. After experimenting in the studio, he changed his mind and rejoined Sabbath after several months apart. Never Say Die was released in 1978, which critics called "tired and uninspired."

Iommi reaper

Iommi waiting for Ozzy to awaken that fateful morning

Who Really Was Responsible: The End to a Legendary Band

Sabbath was riddled with turmoil around this time. One night out at a local club Ozzy drank about 46 glasses of whiskey after snorting coke and dropping a few hits of LSD. Doing his famous frog jump and landing in the lap of the startled but beautiful bar owner's daughter, Ozzy got the band kicked out of the bar. Pissed off that his own deep ingestion of ungodly amounts of booze was over, Tony scowled fiercely at Ozzy, intensifying the great mirth between Ozzy and Bill as they watched cartoons run up and down Tony's trembling bushy moustache. Tony, afraid of being thought a wimp, grabbed Ozzy and beat the shit out of him. The next day Ozzy found a note in his pocket saying "You're fired!"

“To this day i don't know why i was fired. ”
~ Ozzy on Who was really to blame

Another, far less believable scenario regarding the demise of the band is secretly whispered about in back corners and alleys. Some say the real cause was the green eyed monster. He (Tony Iommi) was (many of us think anyway) enormously jealous of Ozzy's well-formed body, long hair, quick smile, and deep dimples. Possibly Bill Ward and Geezer Butler shared similar resentments, who knows.

Ozzy was replaced by Superhero and Ex-Rainbow Vocalist and the winner of "The Worlds Shortest and Most Long-Winded, Classically Trained But Simply Not Ozzy Singer" award, Ronnie James Dio. An interesting tidbit, Sharona let the disgruntled Ozzy bashing Iommi, Butler, and Ward know how to contact the singer Ronnie just before the band got rid of Ozzy.

edit Solo Career

Sharon Ozzy

Ozzy's Cherub

“I'll do it again, but I'll do it comfortably. I won't ever let myself be prostituted again.”
~ 1977, Ozzy discussing a solo career with the press

Like a rescuing angel and definitely without any agenda of a sexual or interpersonal nature Sharona met up with Ozzy a few months later. Timing is everything. Ozzy was in quite a tizzy thinking his career was over and was drowning himself in drugs, drink, and pizza. Who came in to his filthy pad but Sharona, discussing a solo career, leaving unstated the one small little thing he must do in exchange for her management to establish it.

Ozzy was by then quite paranoid from snorting cocaine for weeks on end. He was in fact dealing with voices in his head by hiding under the bed. When Sharona suggested he get off his fucking ass and make his own career Ozzy said "I will if you can get off yours." Anyway, he knew he was saved. The year was 1979. Ozzy went on to write the hit single "My Sharona" immediately following this amazing turn of events.

“Get over here and give Mama some luvin. ”
~ Sharona to Ozzy, quite often in the old days
“Yes dear. Anything you say dear. ”
~ Ozzy's response to Sharona

edit The Blizzard of Ozz

Randy ozzy

Ozzy and Randy when they first met

Blizzard of Ozz was formed for Ozzy's solo gig. Ozzy did vocals, Lee Kerslake drums, Bob Daisley bass, and Randy Rhoads guitar.

Legend has it that Randy Rhoads walked into Ozzy's studio and was merely warming up when Osbourne gave him the job. Apparently Ozzy was immediately enthralled. He was also extremely blitzed, so he called Rhoads back in the next day when he was sober to see if he sounded as good as he remembered. He did ... but was a bit more hairy then Ozzy had remembered.
SharonOzzy

The happy couple

He gave him the job with the proviso that he use Nair once a week. Osbourne described Rhoads' playing as "God entering my life."

Ozzy stated that he found the other guys "at the clap clinic."

Moving straight from his bed into the studio (and from the studio into his bed), Ozzy, with Blizzard of Ozz, recorded ten songs including hits such as "Goodbye to Romance", "Crazy Train", "Mr Crowley" and "No Bone Movies." On a side note, some say Sharona looks to have dropped at least 50lbs. Some say it was from all the sex she and Ozzy were having, others argue it was lipo.

In any case, "No Bone Movies" is a touching song about Ozzy's struggle with his rebellious hand and shame, revealing the noble nature of the man struggling with the practicality of his decisions. Apparently temptation and masturbation have been a long-term struggle for Ozzy. In an interview he shares a story about his childhood:

“I'm lying on the fucking couch watching this, thinking, I'm jacked ...[t]his thing comes to my head, "Kill your mother. Get up and kill her – she's evil." I swear to God, I felt myself come off this fucking couch, and I ran, and I ran. I stopped myself running, went straight back through the kitchen, into the bathroom, and masturbated for about four hours. So in the end, I eventually ended up in the fucking nuthouse. The guy says to me, first question – which was ironical – was, "Do you masturbate?" I turned to this guy and I says, "Listen, asshole, I'm here for my head, not my cock." But I've read about it since...apparently masturbation for guys is a very big sign of insecurity, which I am...very insecure. Within myself. It's true.
OzzyTeaHouse

Suffering in shame at the tea house

~ Jan 1982, Ozzy Osbourne to David Gans regarding masturbation. A story which made David adjust his collar in embarrassment, and one which bears an uncanny similarity to a domestic violence incident cited in Sharona's book "Extreme"

In 1980, Blizzard of Ozz was released, along with the little known singles Mr. Crowley and Crazy Train. The album and single became instant hits. An embarrassed Sharona was hounded by the press over Ozzy's issues. Ozzy, as always in no position to argue with Sharona, basically dealt by hiding in shame for a couple of days at a low-key British tea house.

Peace Offerings

After Blizzard of Ozz was cut Ozzy visited his label. At Sharona's urging he took two white doves for a peace offering into the meeting, to show that he wasn't really an insane, crazy person. Getting straight down to business, Ozzy bit the head off one dove, spit it on the table, then let the other fly free. As the door shut behind him, the only remaining sound in the room was of people gagging on their barf or hitting the floor in instantaneous recumbent position. The label was going to fire him straight away, but they got delayed by their unexpected naps. They admitted that they were also slightly influenced by sales from sold out concerts after news of what he did hit the press. In the end they didn't fire him because they really loved Ozzy and didn't want to disappoint the fans.

edit Bible of a Madman
Ozzy-o
In 1981 Ozzy released Bible of a Madman, preferring it over his first album. As part of his contract Ozzy had to throw 25 pounds of calves livers and pigs intestines at the audience. Sharona had a giant hand built as part of the huge stage production with a big lever built in to launch the cutlets out on an unsuspecting audience.
Ozzy bald

Bald Ozzy Osbourne fighting off his rabies shots

Ozzy hated it. After his first show, during the encore Ozzy reluctantly climbed onto the hand. With fear on his face he rode the gauntlet high above the first couple of rows. Waving at the cheering crowd, he took a step back and released the catapult, launching raw meat mainly on the back of his head. In the spirit of things, what meat did make it to the audience was whipped right back at him.
“ Sharon, the whole thing's daft, you're making me looked like a total cunt!"”
~ Ozzy's scream heard in section ZZ, row 2000 as he exited the stage

The Crunchy Munchies

UglyBabymonkey

The bat, on what happened with Ozzy

On the Bible of a Madman tour (1982), someone threw something flat and black on stage. Ozzy of course, thinking it a taco and having quite a spate of the munchies, picked it up and bit into it. To his surprise it was a live bat, and the head he now had in his mouth bit him back.

Instinctively swallowing, Ozzy passed out. Randy screamed wildly, running in circles. Rudy Sarzo stood with drool dripping on his toes. A fan yelled "someone to get a doctor." Sharona in her usual businesslike fashion walked onstage, grabbed Ozzy by the hair, and dragged him to the limo for a trip to the hospital. Livid at the need to refund tickets, it was a tense ride to say the least.

Ozzy had to get rabies shots everyday, 10 times a day for next 6 months. Some say the rabies shots caused Ozzy's hair to fall out. Certainly at the least it caused speculation: the press on one hand wondered if he had cancer, on the other whether rabies ever did get cured and that is why the madman is as crazy as he is. Others know because they saw Ozzy when he got into the limo, it was during transport to the car that he'd lost great chunks of his hair.

“Those six months were the most painful six months of my life.”
~ Ozzy Osbourne, on rear delivery rabies shots
Randy Rhoads RIP

RIP Randy

Death Of Randy Rhoads

On March 20, 1982, Andrew Aycock, the driver of the Ozzy tour bus stopped for repairs at a Leesburg, Fla repair facility which also had a small airstrip. That day Ozzy's best friend Randy died while aboard a plane piloted by Mr. Aycock.

Bark At The Dog

Sharona told Ozzy that just because Randy died, his career wasn't over. Ozzy for the first time in his life questioned his wife/managers sanity. His fans, upon learning of this rare lapse, gave him a standing ovation.

In panic, Sharona told Ozzy that they were going to Disney world. Little did Ozzy know, it was a trap. Once Sharona had him dressed and in the car, she whispered in the drivers ear "get us to this concert venue, and don't fuck around or you'll be my personal assistant for the next two years." In a cloud of smoke big enough to obscure half the city, the driver, shuddering, peeled wheels and took them off directly to the venue.

Responding to Ozzy's surprise when they arrived not at the park but at a packed stadium, lying for the first time in her life to him Sharona said "let's go see Elton John Daddy!" Ozzy, being a friend of Elton, thought "okay, not as fun as Mickey, but still exciting."

When he ran backstage to see him, Sharona with her significantly heavier weight pushed him out on stage. The band immediately struck their first chords and as they say, the show went on. Back in his element, Ozzy winged it at first. It was on this night that Ozzy wrote a song with Jake Z. Pee and Rob Paisley that saved his career, Bark at the Dog, a song which later spurred the famous "Bark At The Dog" tour.

Suicide Attempt

Ozzy osbourne 1982

Ozzy's 6th Suicide Attempt

In 1985 Ozzy had had enough. Tired of constant touring, he decided he was going to kill himself. He'd previously tried several times in reaction to the significant trauma's he'd faced in his life: getting fired from Black Sabbath ... surviving his best friend Randy Rhoads death ... waking up daily beside Sharona. This time he was serious.

He decided to snort as much coke as possible (about 4 tons), and then blow his brains out with a shotgun. Unfortunately he snorted so much Coke that the small cap-gun his son had left lying around looked like the shotgun he wasn't able to find, so he grabbed it, held it up to his head, and pulled the trigger. Ozzy wet himself then passed out thinking he really did it.

edit Post Blizzard Era

Zakk wylde

The Real Zakk Wylde and The Fake One.

Originally, Zakk Wylde was the band mechanic and Ozzy's personal assistant. While waiting for him to sample some Thai stick he'd brought to him at his studio, Zakk picked one up one of Ozzy's classic guitars and started jamming. Impressed, the omnipresent Sharona decided to streamline operations, firing Jake and replacing him with Zakk.

No Rest for the Sleepless

Zakk's first album with Ozzy was described by critics as:

“ Pure and utter dog shit, mixed around with sperm and puke.”
~ Critics on No Rest for the Sleepless
OzzyOsbourne1

Ozzy Osbourne during the "Being Sober Sucks" tour (showing a no longer crying Ozzy)

Ozzy said he never remembered writing, recording, or even being on tour when the album was released. Some say that is because he did none of those things. Rumor is that Sharona hired one of the actors from prime time show "Dead Ringers" for the tour, giving Ozzy time off to play with the hairs on his belly-button.

Being Sober Sucks Tour

By 1989 Ozzy was in the worse state in his life. At 41 years old he was still waking up beside Sharona. To cope, he was getting drunk and high every day. The 43 pills, 2 pounds of weed, 3 kilo's of coke, and 5 cases of beer were taking it's toll. He farted once while lighting up a doobie and nearly blew up half the neighborhood. The hole it left in the ground was used for a built-in pool, however, saving the cost of excavation. A pleased Ozzy grinned, feeling somewhat useful around his home for quite a while afterwards.

Stop Fucking Crying

In typical OCD fashion, in 1991 Ozzy decided to go cold turkey sober. Shortly thereafter, into the studio he went, making the album "Stop Fucking Crying." The album sold in Japan as "No More Tears," containing two additional singles "Party with the Animals" and "Hellraiser." Ozzy fervently claims to this day that these songs did NOT IN ANY WAY indicate a less then sincere dedication to sobriety in his heart. He followed that tour up by announcing his retirement.

Retirement Sucks Because Sharona Needs More Surgery Tour

In 1995, Sharona's insisted Ozzy get his ass back on the road so he could pay for her next round of plastic surgery and some redecoration on a new house she had bought. So, with his typical easy-going nature, Ozzy released "Ozzmotesticulosis" to an enraptured fanbase. He split the airwaves with the classics "I Hear Thunder Underground (When Sharona Walks By)," and a remake of Little Orphan Annie's hit "Tomorrow."

Meshuggah Metallica

Fårtin Hagstörm (Meshuggah, left) and Robert Trujillo-Burrito, discussing the width of their burritos

Down to the Center of the Earth

Ozzy's next release was a hardcore metal album in 2001 featuring Robert Trujillo-Burrito (of current Metallica fame) on bass. Titled "Down to the Center of the Earth," the album features singles "Facing Hell" and "No Easy Way Out." These songs seem to express Osbourne's continued exasperation at being little more than a puppet in the money making machine of his wife's spending excesses.

Acid Rain Tour

In September 2005, Ozzy read an article on pollution and the effect it was having on the Earth. So he hit the studio, and in May 2007 released his mega-blockbuster hit CD "Acid Rain."

Beyond first single "I Don't Wanna Stop Cuz Otherwise I Have to Sit With Sharona 24:7," "Acid Rain" also includes the songs "Not Going Away," "Trap Door" and "Thank God for The Almighty Dollar." The latter is a song co-written with Wylde, dedicated to the Plastic Surgery Association of Northern California in hopes that they'll cut him some slack on his next few bills.

Scream Like A Bitch

After patiently waiting over a year for Zakk to free his schedule up from his important biker conventions and hair flinging, Ozzy decided to bring a new guitarist on board to record a new album and tour. So Gus G boarded the Crazy Train. Looking once too often at Mike Bordin's hair, he thought "Jesus Christ Sharon, that looks like something the cat hacked up, get rid of that guy." Sharon, always game for it, fired him on the spot. Blasko recommended Tommy Clufetos because he keeps his hair brushed regularly and can play the drums and cymbals nicely, so Ozzy hired him.

Ozzy's latest work, inspired by his wife, was originally titled (I'd Rather Have My) Soul Sucked Dry Through A Vacuum Tube. Fans expressed their dissatisfaction with the name by pissing on, burning, and otherwise desecrating various Ozzy memorabilia ~ so rabidly that Ozzy relented, saying "because of the way you fuckers have been acting there will be no fucking tour this year." Two minutes later, however, Ozz forgot what he'd said and headed off to his studio to put finishing touches on his vocals. The album, released in June 2010, marks the end of the Wylde / No More Squeals era and the beginning of a real band again for Ozzy.

Let it Fucking Lie For Christ Sake, the first song on the CD, is really about Churkball's obsessive compulsive hovering over every sound on the album, which to Ozzy's great annoyance delayed release by 14 months. Crucify Me and Just Get it Over With, Will You? was written after hearing what Blabberlips and MetalSux writers say about him all the time. And finally, I Want It More is about an argument Ozzy got into with a fellow shopper while out with Sharona, which she ended by cold-cocking the other party, thereby taking care of Daddy.

edit Personal Life

edit Children

Ozzy has three children with his first wife Thelma (Elliot-adopted, Jessica, & Louis), and three with Sharona (Amy-who often wishes she was adopted, Kelly, & Jack).

Illegitimate Children

An unknown but much talked about fact is the list of other children sired by the magnificent Ozzy Osbourne.

Val emmich ozzy

New Jersey Singer/Actor Val Emmich

Michael-jackson-Ozzy

Drawing lines between the dots

John N john

Another clue: look at that dimpled chin

  • First there is Val Emmich (b. 1979). Put long hair on the boy and what do you get? A young Ozzy! Honey, hold me back, I'm gonna rape the man.
  • Then there is Ozzy and Michael Jackson (the new and improved white one, not the black MJ)! - no doubt where that DNA came from.
  • Check out the similar looks between John Michael (Ozzy) and John Travolta! Happenstance? I think not.
  • Finally, there is the uncanny resemblance between the cartoon Ozzy and Mickey Mouse(see opening photo).

The list is made even longer when you consider how often Ozzy left his DNA lying around in the 1960's, 1970's, 1980's, 1990's, and (with the advent of Viagra) 2000's.

“"Walk down the street in any major city in the US and you'll see little Ozzies everywhere." ”
~ A random comment from an Ozzy fan at Ozzfest

Of course this discarded material is swiftly gathered up by the mad crowd of women following Ozzy around who are in love with him. It's used for artificial insemination (after Autumn 1986, according to Sharona, that is the ONLY means of connecting with the Ozzman's spermies) by studio techs, groupies, fans, nurses, nannies, random women in hotel lobbies, ferry floozies, tarts in bars, lingerers at the mansion, toll booth operators, neighbors - why, it's rumored even the Queen herself and Camilla Parker-Bowles have done their gathering and set some aside for a rainy day. The perils of being a superstar.

edit Wives

Cra p

Somethin' stinks

edit Move Along Thelma

Ozzy was originally married to Thelma and they had kids and everything. Completely unrelated, totally, we swear (seriously, we got this from Sharona's book) his marriage with Thelma broke up because of personal problems Ozzy was having. It was definitely not because Sharona convinced him she could make him a star... and kept him on the road so much he never was home with his wife and children. It was only a minor complication that he was still married.

edit Welcome to the Sharona Experience

Sharona

Plastic Surgery Poster Child Sharona Osbourne

Since 1980 (roughly the moment that the divorce decree was signed), Ozzy has been married to Sharona, whose ticket to fame was Ozzy. She is the daughter and apt pupil of the infamous Brit rock manager "Machine Gun" Don Arden, former Sabbath manager with a reputation for dangling his rivals by their legs out of fifth story windows. Few know that her hair has been white for at least twenty years now.

Sharona is Hollywood's poster girl for plastic surgery. She went from fat to thin, hag/dish rag to diva with lipo, stomach banding, face/boob/stomach/leg/arm tuck/lifts and didn't blink at the half mil spent to do it.

edit Sharona's Books
Sharona

Sharona Osbourne's Autobiography, Extreme

Homer screaming

Ozzy claims he has and will not read the book. All we can say is "Doik!"

Sharona's books 'Extreme' and 'Survivor' are basically a calculated bet that people who love gossip will die for a peek into the life of one of history's sexiest and most intriguing rock and roll bad boys. She knows people and what motivates them quite well.

To her credit, she busted her ass to make Ozzy a star and succeeded. However, since her own star has risen on primetime tele, she's definitely gotten in some dibs for things Ozzy did in the past.

After years of standing by and living with the humiliation of Ozzy's debauchery (which it's a small guess pissed her off royally) and the frustration of not being able to end or control his addictions, she finally snapped and gave the public (and her suffering self-esteem) what it wanted. The down and dirty. She put the lethal Arden gloves on and laid her man out cold honey.

On "The Osbourne's," (to the great amusement of many frustrated housewives and lesbians) Sharona inexcusably humiliated her husband daily and sought no help for his obvious comatose state. She followed that up in perfect timing by painting him as a perverted, violent deviant in her book "Extreme." Sharona thrives on the fights she provokes on live television when someone other than herself insults her husband. It helps her ratings, and is more entertaining then picking her nose.

One is hard pressed to say how their marriage survives today given the lovely portrait of her husband she bequeathed the world. For all you gossip scabs, be sure (if you haven't already) to get the down and dirty of what a perverted vile beast Ozzy is by buying his wife's book. Get a resale though, you know?

edit Legacy

Ozzy god 1

The Famous Phrase "Ozzy is god" written on the Islington Underground station

Famous hard rock band "Metallica" covered Ozzy Osbourne's hit single "Master of Puppies" for their popular third album, also entitled "Master of Puppies". In a similar move grunge band Pearl Jam covered an Ozzy solo album in it's entirety as their debut album.

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For those without comedic tastes, the self-proclaimed experts at Wikipedia think they have an article about Ozzy Osbourne.

The Osbournes, a documentary about Ozzy's family, was also a vastly unpopular television program on various world wide channels except for certain times, such as when Ozzy got stoned on laughing gas at the dentist or for a brief period when nobody could figure out what the hell he was saying and it became a popular past-time to figure it out. Also, ratings were up the night where Jack launched one of their little dogs off a bean bag chair.

Ozzy Osbourne is also notorious for influencing really stupid people to snort fire ants.

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