Owl

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Orly owl

The famed White Doubting Owl (Bubo doubtus) pictured inquiring about the Owlz party in one of its legendary statements.

Owl City

A classic example of the highly elusive Electronica Owl. Occasionally spotted on music channels singing about its natural diet, Fireflies.

The owl is a remarkable creature, being the only known organism to be placed in both the Mammalia and Aves classes. Owls have a number of practical uses and unusual abilities. Recent studies in the field of Owl Psychology have shown that some subspecies are capable of being sarcastic.

Owlz are the mythical species known throughout the Internet for their durability as n00b-tackle cannon fodder in dense or retarded situations. According to the common social error (see: George Bush), they might have been directly involved in the invention of Earth during the Ancient Times. Silly.

edit Early history

Owl O rly

Owl, from the 1970s sitcom/romcom Winnie The Pooh

Owls are commonly known for being the most adorable and mentally disabled species, and, as such, earned wide popularity among the caveman internet, protruding to be the most explicit abomination of illustration of caveman slang in cases where the beings were brutally forced into flat dense surfaces and imprinted with bold miscolored letters. The tradition is still going strong up until nowadays.

edit Owls

Everyone is fond of owls. Except for mice and shrews and Simon Cowell, and you know why they come for you. The owls in your dressing room, the owls in your gravy. Even if you hide at sea, there are Owls in the Navy. Simon Cowell, your days are numbered. Owls will get you while you slumber. In the night they'll come for you and tear your pretty legs in two. Because you're the king of the beavers, the king of the beavers, you cannot deceive us and you can't fool owls. The king of the beavers, the king of the beavers, you cannot deceive us and you can't fool owls.

edit Controversy

Cat curse

A cat cursing Owlz for being too controversial.

Seriously, what the fuck is up with all those talking owls going on about in Internet-speak? Some dudes really think Owlz just can't be true because they once tried to imprint some generic owls into a stone tablet and ended up with... An owl imprinted into a stone tablet. Ugh.

There has been much debate over the issue whether owls can swim or not. However, recently there have been eyewitness accounts that swimming owls were spotted at a junior college in Singapore. Who knows? Swimming owls might just be true!

Moreover, a newer species of owls,namely,the "Brainballs", have been sighted widely sighted across Asia and Africa and are known for their SUPER-SIZED eyes and rounded beaks.They are known to weigh around 90 kilos,thus constituting the heaviest of owls.Their diet is widely speculated, some saying that they eat rice, while others saying that they eat balls of all types(Thus the name).

Recently there has been controversy over whether Pirate-Ninja Owls exist. Dr Folojunop, a Pirate-Ninja Specialist says he saw a P-N Owl attacking a robot in Japan. He described the Owl as a Ninjery - Piratey Sort of owl who drinks rum but is also pure awesomeness. According to the times newspaper, Chuck Norris disagrees with Dr Folojunop. Chuck Norris says that Pirate-Ninja Owls don't exist and never will because they are simply too awesome for anyone - including Arnold Schwarzenegger.

edit Rivals

Owlz rival

A rival bird appearing to be a Pelican, trying to persuade a vet woman into miscomplying with the previous statement.

A few birds throughout history have tried to rival Owlz' fame, forming the anti-ORLY coalition in the early 80's, and eventually leading to a pelican-owl war (the Owlz were not involved, the pelicans mistook the generic owls for Owlz and hence proceeded to flee after being successfully humiliated by the owl's allied Chipmunks' CA). Despite the subsequent bombardment of the anti-ORLY headquarters in 1989, a new Pelican coalition was formed, uniting more than one species by its wing (despite the name). The members of anti-ORLY can still be seen over the Internet from time to time. Another enemy of Owlz are beavers who are lead by their king Simon Cowell. A famous conflict between the beavers and the owls began in 2006 and still continues amongst the homeless of Iceland.

edit The great Nowai conflict

Nowai owl

A Nowai in its common *urk*.

At the unknown point in time a single owl (of Owlz) was said to separate from the crowd by the subsequent use of fully-formatted, clean and grammatically-correct language. The saboteur was swiftly announced to be a traitor and exiled from the Owlz party. A few days later the Owlz HQ suffered great structural damage from unknown causes, knocking out the Owlz' president at the time and inducing massive casualties to the commoners of the building and the immediate area. During the excess, an exile Nowai was seen near a figure resembling the Raptor Jesus, disappearing just in time when the authorities were to investigate the obscure sight. The incident then triggered the random outburst of rage from the Owlz party, resulting in massive casualties from the Defenders of the Internet front and a few minor animal species, the last resulting in a shell shock and being passed on in the memory and sudden outbursts of the oldest members of the Internet in the form of occasional fainting and inability to type coherently. The tradition was then passed on by their successors.

edit Biology

They are frequently sighted wearing graduation caps and coke-bottle glasses. Contrary to popular myth, an owl cannot turn its head completely backwards. It can turn its head 135 degrees in either direction; it can thus look behind its own shoulders, with a total 270-degree field of view. It is therefore a well known fact that owls cannot give or receive cold shoulders as their fire-lighting hands are occupied elsewhere.

edit Uses of owls

Retarded animals

The owl is believed to have been first domesticated in 924 BC. Bred for speed and ferocity, they were an invaluable hunting aid to early humans. It was believed that 60 owls could take down a Tyrannosaurus Rex, or less if they were armed with hand grenades. In the invasion of Japan, kamakazi soldiers were told to STFU so loudly, their eardrums exploded and their brains hemorrhaged. The shock wave blew the engines of kama kazi planes and the sound barrier was broken. The resulting shock waves caused Chuck Norris to blink and the Tunguska explosion was set off. The traumatized soldiers on both sides later went on to create Paris Hilton, commit suicide and eat their children - all in that order.

In modern times owls are very nice thoughtful and kind unlike some people I know like Mr. Penial enhancement usually exploited by interning them in huge owl concentration camps where they are worked to death generating electricity by running on exercise wheels. Specially trained stitching owls are used by leather workers, such as cobblers (shoemakers), to pierce holes in leather.

edit Species

  • ORLY Owl ― The most infamous owl on the Internet! The ORLY owl's natural habitat lies within message boards across the internet. This questionable creature often picks the best time to pop up as a reply to someone's well-thought out reply, and quickly turns any meaningful topic into spam. This useful ability is often used by people who summon the ORLY owl to aid themselves in demeaning any topic. The skill lies within the fact that the ORLY owl can question just about every topic known to man, no matter how serious.
    Example: "My family were just massacred by a pack of grizzly bears."
    Now often this would seem a very awkward statement to reply to - but summon the ORLY Owl and all is fine. You have answered with a perfectly acceptable reply. Ignore the crying.
    The ORLY owl's natural enemies are the YARLY and NOWAI! owls. Why? - the ORLY owl is a deeply philosophical bird who doesn't want his great rhetoric question answered! They just don't understand. Morons.
  • YARLY Owl ― These owls are determined to answer the call of the great ORLY Owl by simply answering the question of the century - much to the ORLY Owl's dissatisfaction. Once the call is answered the owls usually battle it out for ages which could last several years such as the case with the Great ORLY Warz of recent times. This owl is appropriate in situations when you call your wife a bitch, then she says "Oh really" in her weird English manner, then you come back with "YARLY!!" Distant calls of “ORLY?!”…”YARLY!”… and “NOWAI!” can be heard echoing across the battlefield as the endless cycle of questioning, agreement, and disagreement, questioning, agree…eh…you get the picture ― continue.
  • OMFGWTFBBQ Owl ― Highly social. These birds like to gather worryingly close to a candle where the possibility of being caught alight is very probable. But this does not appear to concern them as they sit around with puzzled faces all day, bless them. Recently they have become more popular in the pet industry despite obvious health concerns with their candle requirements. Last year alone there were 600 reported candle-related deaths/injuries from OMFGWTFBBQ Owls filled with too much curiosity.
    No one is too sure what happens when their candle goes out, some say that they just sit there and slowly die of boredom. Others say that they turn crazy and take revenge on humans. Best just to leave the candle alone, okay?
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