From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
Owls are lazy individuals brought to america from europe in 1564. Owls are known for their strong dilike for simun cownipples. They are the only known organism to be placed in both the mammalia and aves class. Many owls are known to be overweight and hav down syndrum there fore they compete in special olympics. Owls have a number of practical uses and unusual abilities. Recent studies in the field of Owl Psychology have shown that some subspecies are capable of being sarcastic. This article was not written by an owl, no matter how sarcastic he may be.
Owlz are the mythical species known throughout the internet for their durability as n00b-tackle cannon fodder in dense or retarded situations. According to the common social error (see: George Bush), they might have been directly involved in the invention of Earth during the Ancient Times. Silly.
It should be stated that everyone is fond of owls, except mice and shrews and Simon Cowells. And also it should also be said that there are owls in your dressing room as well as in your gravy. There are also owls in the navy.
Owls are commonly known for being the most adorable and mentally disabled species, and, as such, earned wide popularity among the caveman internet, protruding to be the most explicit abomination of illustration of caveman slang in cases where the beings were brutally forced into flat dense surfaces and imprinted with bold miscolored letters. The tradition is still going strong up until nowadays.
Everyone is fond of owls. Except for mice and shrews and Simon Cowell, and you know why they come for you. The owls in your dressing room, the owls in your gravy. Even if you hide at sea, there are Owls in the Navy. Simon Cowell, your days are numbered. Owls will get you while you slumber. In the night they'll come for you and tear your pretty legs in two. Because you're the king of the beavers, the king of the beavers, you cannot deceive us and you can't fool owls. The king of the beavers, the king of the beavers, you cannot deceive us and you can't fool owls.
ControversySeriously, what the fuck is up with all those talking owls going on about in Internet-speak? Some dudes really think Owlz just can't be true because they once tried to imprint some generic owls into a stone tablet and ended up with... An owl imprinted into a stone tablet. Ugh.
There has been much debate over the issue whether owls can swim or not. However, recently there have been eyewitness accounts that swimming owls were spotted at a junior college in Singapore. Who knows? Swimming owls might just be true!
Moreover,a newer species of owls,namely,the "Brainballs", have been sighted widely sighted across Asia and Africa and are known for their SUPER-SIZED eyes and rounded beaks.They are known to weigh around 90 kilos,thus constituting the heaviest of owls.Their diet is widely speculated, some saying that they eat rice,while others saying that they eat balls of all types(Thus the name).
Recently there has been controversy over whether Pirate-Ninja Owls exist. Dr Folojunop, a Pirate-Ninja Specialist says he saw a P-N Owl attacking a robot in Japan. He described the Owl as a Ninjery - Piratey Sort of owl who drinks rum but is also pure awesomeness. According to the times newspaper, Chuck Norris disagrees with Dr Folojunop. Chuck Norris says that Pirate-Ninja Owls don't exist and never will because they are simply too awesome for anyone - including Arnold Schwarzenegger.
RivalsA few birds throughout history have tried to rival Owlz' fame, forming the anti-ORLY coalition in the early 80's, and eventually leading to a pelican-owl war (the Owlz were not involved, the pelicans mistook the generic owls for Owlz and hence proceeded to flee after being successfully humiliated by the owl's allied Chipmunks' CA). Despite the subsequent bombardment of the anti-ORLY headquarters in 1989, a new Pelican coalition was formed, uniting more than one species by its wing (despite the name). The members of anti-ORLY can still be seen over the Internet from time to time. Another enemy of Owlz are beavers who are lead by their king Simon Cowell. A famous conflict between the beavers and the owls began in 2006 and still continues amongst the homeless of Iceland.
The great Nowai conflictAt the unknown point in time a single owl (of Owlz) was said to separate from the crowd by the subsequent use of fully-formatted, clean and grammatically-correct language. The saboteur was swiftly announced to be a traitor and exiled from the Owlz party. A few days later the Owlz HQ suffered great structural damage from unknown causes, knocking out the Owlz' president at the time and inducing massive casualties to the commoners of the building and the immediate area. During the excess, an exile Nowai was seen near a figure resembling the Raptor Jesus, disappearing just in time when the authorities were to investigate the obscure sight. The incident then triggered the random outburst of rage from the Owlz party, resulting in massive casualties from the Defenders of the Internet front and a few minor animal species, the last resulting in a shell shock and being passed on in the memory and sudden outbursts of the oldest members of the Internet in the form of occasional fainting and inability to type coherently. The tradition was then passed on by their successors.
Owls contain owl blood.
They are frequently sighted wearing graduation caps and coke-bottle glasses. Contrary to popular myth, an owl cannot turn its head completely backwards. It can turn its head 135 degrees in either direction; it can thus look behind its own shoulders, with a total 270-degree field of view. It is therefore a well known fact that owls cannot give or receive cold shoulders as their fire-lighting hands are occupied elsewhere.
It should be noted that if an owl interbreeds with a bungie cord, the resulting offspring is my ass.
Uses of owls
The owl is believed to have been first domesticated in 924 BC. Bred for speed and ferocity, they were an invaluable hunting aid to early humans. It was believed that 60 owls could take down a Tyrannosaurus Rex, or less if they were armed with hand grenades. In the invasion of Japan, kamakazi soldiers were told to STFU so loudly, their eardrums exploded and their brains hemorrhaged. The shock wave blew the engines of kama kazi planes and the sound barrier was broken. The resulting shock waves caused Chuck Norris to blink and the Tunguska explosion was set off. The traumatized soldiers on both sides later went on to create Paris Hilton, commit suicide and eat their children - all in that order.
In modern times owls are very nice thoughtful and kind unlike some people I know like Mr. Penial enhancement usually exploited by interning them in huge owl concentration camps where they are worked to death generating electricity by running on exercise wheels. Specially trained
OWL is also the current most popular instant messenger program among gay wizards.
- ORLY Owl ― The most infamous owl on the Internet! The ORLY owl's natural habitat lies within message boards across the internet. This questionable creature often picks the best time to pop up as a reply to someone's well-thought out reply, and quickly turns any meaningful topic into spam. This useful ability is often used by people who summon the ORLY owl to aid themselves in demeaning any topic. The skill lies within the fact that the ORLY owl can question just about every topic known to man, no matter how serious.
Example: "My family were just massacred by a pack of grizzly bears."
Now often this would seem a very awkward statement to reply to - but summon the ORLY Owl and all is fine. You have answered with a perfectly acceptable reply. Ignore the crying.
The ORLY owl's natural enemies are the YARLY and NOWAI! owls. Why? - the ORLY owl is a deeply philosophical bird who doesn't want his great rhetoric question answered! They just don't understand. Morons.
- YARLY Owl ― These owls are determined to answer the call of the great ORLY Owl by simply answering the question of the century - much to the ORLY Owls dissatisfaction. Once the call is answered the owls usually battle it out for ages which could last several years such as the case with the Great ORLY Warz of recent times. This owl is appropriate in situations when you call your wife a bitch, then she says "Oh really" in her weird English manner, then you come back with "YARLY!!" Distant calls of “ORLY?!”…”YARLY!”… and “NOWAI!” can be heard echoing across the battlefield as the endless cycle of questioning, agreement, and disagreement, questioning, agree…eh…you get the picture ― continue.
- OMFGWTFBBQ Owl ― Highly social. These birds like to gather worryingly close to a candle where the possibility of being caught alight is very probable. But this does not appear to concern them as they sit around with puzzled faces all day, bless them. Recently they have become more popular in the pet industry despite obvious health concerns with their candle requirements. Last year alone there were 600 reported candle-related deaths/injuries from OMFGWTFBBQ Owls filled with too much curiosity.
No one is too sure what happens when their candle goes out, some say that they just sit there and slowly die of boredom. Others say that they turn crazy and take revenge on humans. Best just to leave the candle alone, okay?
- Great Horny Owl ― DO NOT LEAVE YOUR CHILDREN ALONE AT NIGHT! Otherwise a Great Horny Owl may prey upon them. And rape them.
- Catspacer Owl ― Mostly flying at Catopia's forests. Live on ⌂es and contain ∩s. Hunt phish on 31 of August in 2015. Consider Filipinos as Jehovah's Witnesses. Oh yeah, they also travel to the Duchy of the Icelandic-born Björk.
- O RLY Owl ― Not to be confused with your mom. O RLY owls have been known to take pleasure in bumsecks and, contrary to popular belief, do not huff kittens.
- Flammulated Owl ― Will eat for food.
- Mr. Owl ― A rare and elusive owl. Mr. Owl's habitat includes poorly drawn trees and TV sets. It occasionally emerges from its nest to hork Tootsie Pops from little kids. And shove them up his ass (the tootsie poops). On top of that, he ate my metal worm, the bastard.
- The Powerful Owl ― The Powerful Owl is Australia's largest owl. They are aptly named, with very powerful and heavy claws. The Powerful Owl is known to become enraged by redheaded humans and there have been many reported attacks. The Powerful Owl generally swoops down upon the human, and uses its powerful claws to sever the human head. Forest trekkers have been known to see the nest of a Powerful Owl, characterised by the head of a redheaded human, eyes gouged out and flesh torn. Often the word 'Jerk' has been scratched into the skin.
- Giant Owl ― This common species of Japan can grow to a 50 foot wingspan. According to some sources this may be a grue/O RLY owl hybrid. It has become a nuisance to farmers worldwide due to the fact that it preys on cows and elephants.
- Poopy Owl- The Poopy Owl lives on the moon where it eats corn chips all day. Instead of possessing wings, this unique species possesses crowbars for prying open canned fruit.
- THE FURBY MASTER!!!! - The master of all Owls. They say if you stare into it's eyes, you die a little inside and your soul becomes pink. He is the Arch rival of THE MYLITTLEPONY PONY King.
- Barred Owl ― This type of owl closely resembles a very ugly chicken. It is thought that over the centuries, wild owls developed a secret relationship with certain chickens that had various forms of mental illness. Once their bloodlines became intertwined, first cousins began to pair up exclusively, producing the Barred Owl species in many regions throughout North America.
- Sultry Owl - Sultry Owls are distinguished by their tendency to prey on sexually confused human males. They do this by posting provocative advertisements on the the Internet in order to lure their prey into their lair, where they lay in wait to dismember them and devour their limbs in front of them while they are kept conscious and alert through a natural life support system invented by Sultry Owls. While advertising appears to be directed mainly at the heterosexual male population of humans, Sultry Owls are believed to be completely and utterly asexual.
Owls that have been allowed to go feral are considered to be extremely dangerous. They live in small burrows they dig in skirting boards and feed off human flesh. The only recommended course available to someone with a serious feral owl infestation is to move home and sell the old house to someone ignorant of the problem, or you can burn the house down too which is way cooler.
What some people might not know is that owls are actually created in the bangaa digestive system. If a person consumes feathers, chicken wings, Warheads candy, and a hint of snake blood then in about 6–7 weeks an owl will form in the stomach. The owl will have to escape the body by way of the anus. The owl then balls up and enters the intestine. At the time the moogle will feel as if they have a case of diarrhea. They will immediately run to the closest restroom. When the human begins defecation, the owl has exactly 31 seconds to escape or it will be crushed by the intestine. In the end of this the owl flies from the anus and out of the toilet bowl into the night sky leaving the viera shocked. Usually after these owl births the mothering nu Mou will commit suicide.
Owl Faced Being
The Owl Faced Being is a special species of Owl as there is only one. This particular Owl has many special abilities of which her ability to annoy the living shit out of you is key. The being is currently residing somewhere in Northampton, UK. It is believed that over one person has actually been physically ill due to the being's face.