Owl

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[[Image:Orly owl.jpg|thumb|The famed White Doubting Owl (''Bubo doubtus'') pictured inquiring about the Owlz party in one of its legendary statements.]]
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'''Owls.''' Everyone is fond of owls (except for mice and shrews -- and Simon Cowell.)
[[Image:Owl City.JPG|thumb|A classic example of the highly elusive ''Electronica Owl''. Occasionally spotted on music channels singing about its natural diet, Fireflies.]]
 
'''Owls''' are lazy individuals brought to america from europe in 1564. Owls are known for their strong dilike for simun cownipples. They are the only known [[organism]] to be placed in both the [[mammal]]ia and [[bird|aves]] class. Many owls are known to be overweight and hav down syndrum there fore they compete in [[special olympics]]. Owls have a number of practical uses and unusual abilities. Recent studies in the field of Owl Psychology have shown that some subspecies are capable of being sarcastic. This article was not written by an owl, no matter how sarcastic he may be.
 
   
Owlz are the mythical species known throughout the internet for their durability as n00b-tackle cannon fodder in dense or retarded situations. According to the common social error (see: [[George Bush]]), they might have been directly involved in the invention of Earth during the Ancient Times. Silly.
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Owls are the held to be the wisest inhabitant of the otherwise unsignificant planet [[Earth]], ranking far above [[dolphins]], [[elephants]], and [[tortoise]]s. This is due the fact that they are frequently observed to do nothing but sit and observe their surroundings, contemplating, scheming, and exuding an air of smug creepiness when not busy being fluffy and cute. They are also capable of telepathically locating prey under a foot or more of snow, a feat some [[human]]s erroneously attribute to their acute sense of hearing (and also a contributing factor to their noticeable absence from the list of wisest animals).
   
It should be stated that everyone is fond of owls, except mice and shrews and [[Simon Cowell]]s.
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== Biology ==
And also it should also be said that there are owls in your dressing room as well as in your gravy. There are also owls in the navy.
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[[File:Owl-with-Tootsie-Pop.png|thumb|Do Not Feed The Animals]]
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The owl is a member of the [[Bird|AVian]] extended family, frequently consulted for its pertinant [[Knowitallism|opinions]] and [[Nerds|technical know-how]].
   
==Early history==
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Because of the owl's neck, comprised of segments held together by powerful electromagnets and a spinal column which uses x-rays to transmit information, they are capable of free and unhindered head rotation much like lighthouses or [[Kmart]] customer sirens.
[[Image:Owl O rly.PNG|thumb|right|100px|Owl, from the 1970s sitcom/romcom Winnie The Pooh]]
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[[File:Deal-with-it-owl-spinning-head-shades-1359833583f.gif|center|An owl shown in an infinite loop. Spin me right round, baby.]]
   
Owls are commonly known for being the most adorable and mentally disabled species, and, as such, earned wide popularity among the [[caveman internet]], protruding to be the most explicit abomination of illustration of caveman slang in cases where the beings were brutally forced into flat dense surfaces and imprinted with bold miscolored letters. The tradition is still going strong up until nowadays.
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== Varieties ==
== Owls ==
 
Everyone is fond of owls. Except for mice and shrews and Simon Cowell, and you know why they come for you. The owls in your dressing room, the owls in your gravy. Even if you hide at sea, there are Owls in the Navy. Simon Cowell, your days are numbered. Owls will get you while you slumber. In the night they'll come for you and tear your pretty legs in two. Because you're the king of the beavers, the king of the beavers, you cannot deceive us and you can't fool owls. The king of the beavers, the king of the beavers, you cannot deceive us and you can't fool owls.
 
   
==Controversy==
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[[File:Orly owl.jpg|thumb|left|The famed White Doubting Owl pictured inquiring as to promises made by the Owlz political party; most enthusiasts believe it to be contagiously sarcastic]]
[[Image:cat curse.jpg|thumb|A cat cursing Owlz for being too controversial.]] Seriously, what the fuck is up with all those talking owls going on about in Internet-speak? Some dudes really think Owlz just can't be true because they once tried to imprint some generic owls into a stone tablet and ended up with... An owl imprinted into a stone tablet. Ugh.
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=== Scoff Owl ===
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A well-known native of the [[Internet]], Scoff Owls, also named the Doubting Owl (''Bubo doubtus''), are known for their durability as n00b-tackle cannon fodder in dense or retarded situations. According to the common social error (see: [[George Bush]]), they might have been directly involved in the invention of Earth during the Ancient Times. Silly.
   
There has been much debate over the issue whether owls can swim or not. However, recently there have been eyewitness accounts that swimming owls were spotted at a junior college in [[Singapore]]. Who knows? Swimming owls might just be true!
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=== Electronica Owl ===
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[[File:Owl City.JPG|thumb|Inhabits music channels and sings about its natural diet, [[Firefly|fireflies]] ]]
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''Electronicus emota'' is a highly elusive species that is rarely seen except in exorbitant coffee shops. Their calls are unique among avians, resembling airy sighs that can last upwards of 3 minutes, and have been known to attract the unsightly [[Emo]]. This is also the only known species of owl to have their own [[Owl City|city]]. A classic example can be seen in the illustration to the right.
   
Moreover,a newer species of owls,namely,the "Brainballs", have been sighted widely sighted across Asia and Africa and are known for their SUPER-SIZED eyes and rounded beaks.They are known to weigh around 90 kilos,thus constituting the heaviest of owls.Their diet is widely speculated, some saying that they eat rice,while others saying that they eat balls of all types(Thus the name).
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=== Welsh Marsh Owl ===
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:''Main article: [[Welsh Marsh Owl]]''
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It's Welsh. Very few have tried to pronounce its proper name, and only one survived the attempt, having begun when she was 2 years old.
   
Recently there has been controversy over whether [[Pirate]]-[[Ninja]] Owls exist. Dr Folojunop, a Pirate-Ninja Specialist says he saw a P-N Owl attacking a robot in Japan. He described the Owl as a Ninjery - Piratey Sort of owl who drinks rum but is also pure awesomeness. According to the times newspaper, [[Chuck Norris]] disagrees with Dr Folojunop. Chuck Norris says that Pirate-Ninja Owls don't exist and never will because they are simply too awesome for anyone - including Arnold Schwarzenegger.
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=== Owl of Thebes ===
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:''Main article: [[Owl of Thebes|Kent Brockman]]''
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As a mythological being, this owl can only be found in the Dreamtime, which is a small town located in the [[Australia]]n outback.
   
==Rivals==
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=== Strix ===
[[Image:owlz rival.jpg|thumb|A rival bird appearing to be a [[Pelican]], trying to persuade a vet woman into miscomplying with the previous statement.]] A few birds throughout history have tried to rival Owlz' fame, forming the anti-ORLY coalition in the early 80's, and eventually leading to a pelican-owl war (the Owlz were not involved, the pelicans mistook the generic owls for Owlz and hence proceeded to flee after being successfully humiliated by the owl's allied Chipmunks' CA). Despite the subsequent bombardment of the anti-ORLY headquarters in 1989, a new Pelican coalition was formed, uniting more than one species by its wing (despite the name). The members of anti-ORLY can still be seen over the [[Internet]] from time to time. Another enemy of Owlz are [[beavers]] who are lead by their king [[Simon Cowell]]. A famous conflict between the beavers and the owls began in 2006 and still continues amongst the homeless of [[Iceland]].
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[[File:Black.png|thumb|125px|The deadly Strix in its natural habitat. Another reason to always use a nightlight and to fear the [[dark]].]]
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The Strix is a deadly predator of [[Man]] which resides in the deep, dark [[Forest|woods]], stalking those who encroach its domain such as [[campers]], lost [[Youth|children]], and [[Furry|Furries]]. [[Women]], as they are now no longer Men, are safe from predation by Strixi.
   
===The great Nowai conflict===
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The Strix can be identified by its distinguishably horrifying shriek, made prior to swooping in for the kill because it <s>has been confirmed</s> is suspected that adrenaline makes flesh taste gamier and thus better.
[[Image:nowai owl.jpg|left|thumb|A Nowai in its common *urk*.]] At the unknown point in time a single owl (of Owlz) was said to separate from the crowd by the subsequent use of fully-formatted, clean and grammatically-correct language. The saboteur was swiftly announced to be a traitor and exiled from the Owlz party. A few days later the Owlz HQ suffered great structural damage from unknown causes, knocking out the Owlz' president at the time and inducing massive casualties to the commoners of the building and the immediate area. During the excess, an exile Nowai was seen near a figure resembling the [[Raptor Jesus]], disappearing just in time when the authorities were to investigate the obscure sight. The incident then triggered the random outburst of rage from the Owlz party, resulting in massive casualties from the [[Defenders of the Internet front]] and a few minor animal species, the last resulting in a shell shock and being passed on in the memory and sudden outbursts of the oldest members of the Internet in the form of occasional fainting and inability to type coherently. The tradition was then passed on by their successors.
 
   
==Biology==
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[[File:nowai owl.jpg|left|thumb|left|A Nowai in its common *urk*]]
Owls contain [[owl blood]].
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=== The Nowai ===
<br>They are frequently sighted wearing graduation caps and coke-bottle glasses. Contrary to popular myth, an owl cannot turn its head completely backwards. It can turn its head 135 degrees in either direction; it can thus look behind its own shoulders, with a total 270-degree field of view. It is therefore a well known fact that owls cannot give or receive cold shoulders as their fire-lighting hands are occupied elsewhere.
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These owls can be seen frequenting the feeding grounds of [[troll]]s. They are not dangerous, but can overwhelm the sensibilities of a traveller. They have been seen to lure victims to the clutches of trolls, subsequently feeding off the discarded dignity and panaché like the scavengers that they are.
   
It should be noted that if an owl interbreeds with a bungie cord, the resulting offspring is my ass.
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[[File:Retarded animals.jpg|thumb|An omen or a warning?]]
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=== ''Tyto domesticus'' ===
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The owl is believed to have been first domesticated in 924 BC. Bred for speed and ferocity, they were an invaluable hunting aid to early humans. It is believed that a [[UnBooks:My_New_Life_as_a_T-Rex|Tyrannosaurus Rex]] could be taken down by 30 highly-trained owls; fewer than that, even, if they were armed with hand [[grenade]]s.
   
==Uses of owls==
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== Rivals ==
[[Image:Retarded animals.jpg|thumb|left]]
 
The owl is believed to have been first domesticated in [[924 BC]]. Bred for speed and ferocity, they were an invaluable hunting aid to early humans. It was believed that 60 owls could take down a [[Tyrannosaurus Rex]], or less if they were armed with [[hand grenades]]. In the invasion of Japan, kamakazi soldiers were told to STFU so loudly, their eardrums exploded and their brains hemorrhaged. The shock wave blew the engines of kama kazi planes and the sound barrier was broken. The resulting shock waves caused Chuck Norris to blink and the Tunguska explosion was set off. The traumatized soldiers on both sides later went on to create Paris Hilton, commit suicide and eat their children - all in that order.
 
   
In modern times owls are very nice thoughtful and kind unlike some people I know like Mr. Penial enhancement usually exploited by interning them in huge [[owl concentration camp]]s where they are worked to death generating [[electricity]] by running on [[exercise wheel]]s. Specially trained <span class="plainlinks">[http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Stitching_awl stitching owls] are used by leather workers, such as cobblers (shoemakers), to pierce holes in leather.
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=== The Pelican ===
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[[File:Owlz rival.jpg|thumb|Persuasion skills are somewhat lacking in this species]]
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Okay. Look, I've about had it. Here you send me on this stupid assignment -- okay, fine, so it comes with the job description. But when I ask for some support in providing you with '''your''' story, you tell me to "be resourceful." Okay, here's a nice juicy ''resource'' for you:
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:There once was a Man and a Pelican.
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:They lived in a house up in Mellikon.
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:What they did, I don't know, but it just goes to show
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:How much it helps to have'' --
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''The Editors would like to direct the attention of any prospective journalists to our Human Resources figurehead with the latest information regarding our recent openings.
   
Owl meat is often added to [[curry]], whilst owl [[semen]] is used to thicken [[yoghurt]].
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=== "Everybody wants to be a cat..." ===
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[[File:cat curse.jpg|thumb|"I haven't seen the last of you, flapping freak!"]]
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Members of the [[Cat|Felinia]] nation have repeatedly denounced the supposedly superiour hunting abilities of the Owl as
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:(...) '''propaganda''' meant to undermine the respect one naturally purrs for any representative of the '''Feline''' race! Let those who despise us '''beware!''' You who think we are so cute: We shall '''claw''' your '''eyeballs''' out while you '''sleep!'''
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[[Spin Doctoring|Damage & Spin]] representatives from Felinia were later unavailable for clarification of the previous statement.
   
[[Apples|Goblins]] are known to press and ferment owls to create owl [[wine]]. It is not particularly nice.
 
 
OWL is also the current most popular instant messenger program among [[Harry Potter|gay wizards]].
 
 
==Species==
 
*'''ORLY Owl''' ― The most infamous owl on the [[Internet]]! The ORLY owl's natural habitat lies within message boards across the internet. This questionable creature often picks the best time to pop up as a reply to someone's well-thought out reply, and quickly turns any meaningful topic into spam. This useful ability is often used by people who summon the ORLY owl to aid themselves in demeaning any topic. The skill lies within the fact that the ORLY owl can question just about every topic known to man, no matter how serious.
 
 
Example: "My family were just massacred by a pack of grizzly bears."
 
 
Now often this would seem a very awkward statement to reply to - but summon the ORLY Owl and all is fine. You have answered with a perfectly acceptable reply. Ignore the crying.
 
 
The ORLY owl's natural enemies are the YARLY and NOWAI! owls. Why? - the ORLY owl is a deeply philosophical bird who doesn't want his great rhetoric question answered! They just don't understand. Morons.
 
 
*'''YARLY Owl''' ― These owls are determined to answer the call of the great ORLY Owl by simply answering the question of the century - much to the ORLY Owls dissatisfaction. Once the call is answered the owls usually battle it out for ages which could last several years such as the case with the Great ORLY Warz of recent times. This owl is appropriate in situations when you call your wife a bitch, then she says "Oh really" in her weird English manner, then you come back with "YARLY!!" Distant calls of “ORLY?!”…”YARLY!”… and “NOWAI!” can be heard echoing across the battlefield as the endless cycle of questioning, agreement, and disagreement, questioning, agree…eh…you get the picture ― continue.
 
 
*'''OMFGWTFBBQ Owl''' ― Highly social. These birds like to gather worryingly close to a candle where the possibility of being caught alight is very probable. But this does not appear to concern them as they sit around with puzzled faces all day, bless them. Recently they have become more popular in the pet industry despite obvious health concerns with their candle requirements. Last year alone there were 600 reported candle-related deaths/injuries from OMFGWTFBBQ Owls filled with too much curiosity.
 
 
No one is too sure what happens when their candle goes out, some say that they just sit there and slowly die of boredom. Others say that they turn crazy and take revenge on humans. Best just to leave the candle alone, okay?
 
 
[[image:Owly.JPG|thumb|right|Orly is an Owl who really wants to fly with the other Orly's.]]
 
 
*'''Great Horny Owl''' ― DO NOT LEAVE YOUR CHILDREN ALONE AT NIGHT! Otherwise a Great Horny Owl may prey upon them. And rape them.
 
 
*'''[[Catspace]]r Owl''' ― Mostly flying at Catopia's forests. Live on [[⌂]]es and contain [[∩]]s. Hunt [[phish]] on {{CURRENTDAY}} of {{CURRENTMONTHNAME}} in {{CURRENTYEAR}}. Consider [[Filipino]]s<span class="sigexpand"> as [[Jehovah's Witnesses]]. <span class="sighidden">Oh yeah, they also travel to the [[Duchy of Björk|Duchy]] of the [[Iceland]]ic-born [[Björk]].</span></span>
 
 
*'''O RLY Owl''' ― Not to be confused with your mom. O RLY owls have been known to take pleasure in [[bumsecks]] and, contrary to popular belief, do not [[Kitten Huffing|huff kittens]].
 
 
*'''Flammulated Owl''' ― Will eat for food.
 
 
*'''[[Kittenolivia]]n Owl''' ― Found mostly on the [[western Kittenolivia]], carrying [[╬]]s.
 
 
*'''Mr. Owl''' ― A rare and elusive owl. Mr. Owl's habitat includes poorly drawn trees and TV sets. It occasionally emerges from its nest to hork Tootsie Pops from little kids. And shove them up his ass (the tootsie poops). On top of that, he [[Palindrome|ate my metal worm]], the bastard.
 
 
*'''The Powerful Owl''' ― The Powerful Owl is Australia's largest owl. They are aptly named, with very powerful and heavy claws. The Powerful Owl is known to become enraged by redheaded humans and there have been many reported attacks. The Powerful Owl generally swoops down upon the human, and uses its powerful claws to sever the human head. Forest trekkers have been known to see the nest of a Powerful Owl, characterised by the head of a redheaded human, eyes gouged out and flesh torn. Often the word 'Jerk' has been scratched into the skin.
 
 
*'''Giant Owl''' ― This common species of Japan can grow to a 50 foot wingspan. According to some sources this may be a grue/O RLY owl hybrid. It has become a nuisance to farmers worldwide due to the fact that it preys on cows and elephants.
 
 
*Poopy Owl- The Poopy Owl lives on the moon where it eats corn chips all day. Instead of possessing wings, this unique species possesses crowbars for prying open canned fruit.
 
 
*'''THE FURBY MASTER!!!!''' - The master of all Owls. They say if you stare into it's eyes, you die a little inside and your soul becomes pink. He is the Arch rival of THE MYLITTLEPONY PONY King.
 
 
*'''Barred Owl''' ― This type of owl closely resembles a very ugly chicken. It is thought that over the centuries, wild owls developed a secret relationship with certain chickens that had various forms of mental illness. Once their bloodlines became intertwined, first cousins began to pair up exclusively, producing the Barred Owl species in many regions throughout North America.
 
 
===Feral owls===
 
[[Image:StepBakBich.jpg|left|thumb|200px]]
 
Owls that have been allowed to go feral are considered to be extremely dangerous. They live in small burrows they dig in skirting boards and feed off [[human flesh]]. The only recommended course available to someone with a serious feral owl infestation is to move home and sell the old house to someone ignorant of the problem, or you can burn the house down too which is way cooler.
 
 
===Fecal owls===
 
What some people might not know is that owls are actually created in the [[bangaa]] digestive system. If a person consumes feathers, chicken wings, Warheads candy, and a hint of snake blood then in about 6–7 weeks an owl will form in the stomach. The owl will have to escape the body by way of the anus. The owl then balls up and enters the intestine. At the time the [[moogle]] will feel as if they have a case of [[diarrhea]]. They will immediately run to the closest restroom. When the [[human]] begins defecation, the owl has exactly {{CURRENTDAY}} seconds to escape or it will be crushed by the intestine. In the end of this the owl flies from the anus and out of the toilet bowl into the night sky leaving the [[viera]] shocked. Usually after these owl births the mothering [[nu Mou]] will commit [[suicide]].
 
 
===Owl Faced Being===
 
The Owl Faced Being is a special species of Owl as there is only one. This particular Owl has many special abilities of which her ability to annoy the living shit out of you is key. The being is currently residing somewhere in Northampton, UK. It is believed that over one person has actually been physically ill due to the being's face.
 
   
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Latest revision as of 03:59, November 13, 2014

Owls. Everyone is fond of owls (except for mice and shrews -- and Simon Cowell.)

Owls are the held to be the wisest inhabitant of the otherwise unsignificant planet Earth, ranking far above dolphins, elephants, and tortoises. This is due the fact that they are frequently observed to do nothing but sit and observe their surroundings, contemplating, scheming, and exuding an air of smug creepiness when not busy being fluffy and cute. They are also capable of telepathically locating prey under a foot or more of snow, a feat some humans erroneously attribute to their acute sense of hearing (and also a contributing factor to their noticeable absence from the list of wisest animals).

edit Biology

Owl-with-Tootsie-Pop

Do Not Feed The Animals

The owl is a member of the AVian extended family, frequently consulted for its pertinant opinions and technical know-how.

Because of the owl's neck, comprised of segments held together by powerful electromagnets and a spinal column which uses x-rays to transmit information, they are capable of free and unhindered head rotation much like lighthouses or Kmart customer sirens.

Deal-with-it-owl-spinning-head-shades-1359833583f

edit Varieties

Orly owl

The famed White Doubting Owl pictured inquiring as to promises made by the Owlz political party; most enthusiasts believe it to be contagiously sarcastic

edit Scoff Owl

A well-known native of the Internet, Scoff Owls, also named the Doubting Owl (Bubo doubtus), are known for their durability as n00b-tackle cannon fodder in dense or retarded situations. According to the common social error (see: George Bush), they might have been directly involved in the invention of Earth during the Ancient Times. Silly.

edit Electronica Owl

Owl City

Inhabits music channels and sings about its natural diet, fireflies

Electronicus emota is a highly elusive species that is rarely seen except in exorbitant coffee shops. Their calls are unique among avians, resembling airy sighs that can last upwards of 3 minutes, and have been known to attract the unsightly Emo. This is also the only known species of owl to have their own city. A classic example can be seen in the illustration to the right.

edit Welsh Marsh Owl

Main article: Welsh Marsh Owl

It's Welsh. Very few have tried to pronounce its proper name, and only one survived the attempt, having begun when she was 2 years old.

edit Owl of Thebes

Main article: Kent Brockman

As a mythological being, this owl can only be found in the Dreamtime, which is a small town located in the Australian outback.

edit Strix

Black

The deadly Strix in its natural habitat. Another reason to always use a nightlight and to fear the dark.

The Strix is a deadly predator of Man which resides in the deep, dark woods, stalking those who encroach its domain such as campers, lost children, and Furries. Women, as they are now no longer Men, are safe from predation by Strixi.

The Strix can be identified by its distinguishably horrifying shriek, made prior to swooping in for the kill because it has been confirmed is suspected that adrenaline makes flesh taste gamier and thus better.

Nowai owl

A Nowai in its common *urk*

edit The Nowai

These owls can be seen frequenting the feeding grounds of trolls. They are not dangerous, but can overwhelm the sensibilities of a traveller. They have been seen to lure victims to the clutches of trolls, subsequently feeding off the discarded dignity and panaché like the scavengers that they are.

Retarded animals

An omen or a warning?

edit Tyto domesticus

The owl is believed to have been first domesticated in 924 BC. Bred for speed and ferocity, they were an invaluable hunting aid to early humans. It is believed that a Tyrannosaurus Rex could be taken down by 30 highly-trained owls; fewer than that, even, if they were armed with hand grenades.

edit Rivals

edit The Pelican

Owlz rival

Persuasion skills are somewhat lacking in this species

Okay. Look, I've about had it. Here you send me on this stupid assignment -- okay, fine, so it comes with the job description. But when I ask for some support in providing you with your story, you tell me to "be resourceful." Okay, here's a nice juicy resource for you:

There once was a Man and a Pelican.
They lived in a house up in Mellikon.
What they did, I don't know, but it just goes to show
How much it helps to have --

The Editors would like to direct the attention of any prospective journalists to our Human Resources figurehead with the latest information regarding our recent openings.

edit "Everybody wants to be a cat..."

Cat curse

"I haven't seen the last of you, flapping freak!"

Members of the Felinia nation have repeatedly denounced the supposedly superiour hunting abilities of the Owl as

(...) propaganda meant to undermine the respect one naturally purrs for any representative of the Feline race! Let those who despise us beware! You who think we are so cute: We shall claw your eyeballs out while you sleep!

Damage & Spin representatives from Felinia were later unavailable for clarification of the previous statement.

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