Owl

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Owls. Everyone is fond of owls (except for mice and shrews -- and Simon Cowell.)

Owls are the held to be the wisest inhabitant of the otherwise unsignificant planet Earth, ranking far above dolphins, elephants, and tortoises. This is due the fact that they are frequently observed to do nothing but sit and observe their surroundings, contemplating, scheming, and exuding an air of smug creepiness when not busy being fluffy and cute. They are also capable of telepathically locating prey under a foot or more of snow, a feat some humans erroneously attribute to their acute sense of hearing (and also a contributing factor to their noticeable absence from the list of wisest animals).

edit Biology

Owl-with-Tootsie-Pop

Do Not Feed The Animals

The owl is a member of the AVian extended family, frequently consulted for its pertinant opinions and technical know-how.

Because of the owl's neck, comprised of segments held together by powerful electromagnets and a spinal column which uses x-rays to transmit information, they are capable of free and unhindered head rotation much like lighthouses or Kmart customer sirens.

Deal-with-it-owl-spinning-head-shades-1359833583f

edit Varieties

Orly owl

The famed White Doubting Owl pictured inquiring as to promises made by the Owlz political party; most enthusiasts believe it to be contagiously sarcastic

edit Scoff Owl

A well-known native of the Internet, Scoff Owls, also named the Doubting Owl (Bubo doubtus), are known for their durability as n00b-tackle cannon fodder in dense or retarded situations. According to the common social error (see: George Bush), they might have been directly involved in the invention of Earth during the Ancient Times. Silly.

edit Electronica Owl

Owl City

Inhabits music channels and sings about its natural diet, fireflies

Electronicus emota is a highly elusive species that is rarely seen except in exorbitant coffee shops. Their calls are unique among avians, resembling airy sighs that can last upwards of 3 minutes, and have been known to attract the unsightly Emo. This is also the only known species of owl to have their own city. A classic example can be seen in the illustration to the right.

edit Welsh Marsh Owl

Main article: Welsh Marsh Owl

It's Welsh. Very few have tried to pronounce its proper name, and only one survived the attempt, having begun when she was 2 years old.

edit Owl of Thebes

Main article: Kent Brockman

As a mythological being, this owl can only be found in the Dreamtime, which is a small town located in the Australian outback.

edit Strix

Black

The deadly Strix in its natural habitat. Another reason to always use a nightlight and to fear the dark.

The Strix is a deadly predator of Man which resides in the deep, dark woods, stalking those who encroach its domain such as campers, lost children, and Furries. Women, as they are now no longer Men, are safe from predation by Strixi.

The Strix can be identified by its distinguishably horrifying shriek, made prior to swooping in for the kill because it has been confirmed is suspected that adrenaline makes flesh taste gamier and thus better.

Nowai owl

A Nowai in its common *urk*

edit The Nowai

These owls can be seen frequenting the feeding grounds of trolls. They are not dangerous, but can overwhelm the sensibilities of a traveller. They have been seen to lure victims to the clutches of trolls, subsequently feeding off the discarded dignity and panaché like the scavengers that they are.

Retarded animals

An omen or a warning?

edit Tyto domesticus

The owl is believed to have been first domesticated in 924 BC. Bred for speed and ferocity, they were an invaluable hunting aid to early humans. It is believed that a Tyrannosaurus Rex could be taken down by 30 highly-trained owls; fewer than that, even, if they were armed with hand grenades.

edit Rivals

edit The Pelican

Owlz rival

Persuasion skills are somewhat lacking in this species

Okay. Look, I've about had it. Here you send me on this stupid assignment -- okay, fine, so it comes with the job description. But when I ask for some support in providing you with your story, you tell me to "be resourceful." Okay, here's a nice juicy resource for you:

There once was a Man and a Pelican.
They lived in a house up in Mellikon.
What they did, I don't know, but it just goes to show
How much it helps to have --

The Editors would like to direct the attention of any prospective journalists to our Human Resources figurehead with the latest information regarding our recent openings.

edit "Everybody wants to be a cat..."

Cat curse

"I haven't seen the last of you, flapping freak!"

Members of the Felinia nation have repeatedly denounced the supposedly superiour hunting abilities of the Owl as

(...) propaganda meant to undermine the respect one naturally purrs for any representative of the Feline race! Let those who despise us beware! You who think we are so cute: We shall claw your eyeballs out while you sleep!

Damage & Spin representatives from Felinia were later unavailable for clarification of the previous statement.

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