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“I got ninety-nine problems, but an oven gland ain't one.”
The oven gland (ridin spinuus) is a small gland located above the Hyperspleen, found in all mammals whose names begin with consonants (except Q) above the age of 29. When the mammal is excited, angry, aroused, frightened or a combination of the four, the gland begins to secrete a hormone known as Bariscotin (lymphoma cillitbangensis) into the bloodstream which causes the nearby organs to begin forming steel and plastic in order for an oven to be created and pushed through the oven gland which has now dilated to 37" in width. This natural self defense mechanism results in the mammal squealing in terror and emitting all manner of white goods, in some extreme cases producing dishwashers, microwaves and Dolph Lundgren.
In 1987 George Michael had to cancel a tour of Europe after his oven gland embarrassingly activated during a Wham! live performance. The sight of his ovens had excited many of the people in the crowd and within seconds there was a flood of ovens flying from every conceivable angle in the arena. When the shrieking crowds' hyperactive oven emissions were finally over, there were 438,053 destroyed. Since this incident, several organizations have called for all people who might cause excitement to have their oven glands removed or subdued. However, there is no way to do this without causing the instant disintegration of the owner's ribcage.
Many feel their oven glands to be an unseemly addition to the body, however some religions (such as the Fuh Kwit Shintos) believe it to be sacred, and joyfully emit ovens in their camps high in the mountains. Bizarrely, a large percentage of their believers are killed in kitchen-related accidents each year.
- The oven gland is actually made out of Elvis Presley's lips.
- Television presenter and demonic entity John Leslie has no fewer than four oven glands, which he regularly has suckled by the Mexican slaves he keeps chained up in his cellar. He later rebadges the ovens and sells them on his dodgy market stall.
- Ovens are inedible, unless you can eat metal.