Otto Weininger

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia

Jump to: navigation, search
Bouncywikilogo2
For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia think they have an article about Otto Weininger.
“I have nothing to declare, except the genius of this man!”
~ Oscar Wilde on Otto Weininger
“My name is Otto, and I love to get blotto!”
~ Otto Weininger on Otto Weininger
Poor baby

Otto at the age of 20.

Otto Weininger (April 3, 1880 – October 4, 1903) was an German floor-mopper and founder of NAMBLA. Some regard him as a philosopher, but most of them have no official business outside of mental institutions. In 1903, he published a sex calendar which gained popularity after Weininger's 23th birthday party. Today, the sex calendar is viewed as homosexual and stereotyping of jewish gay men by truck drivers; however, it continues to be held up as a funny work of lasting entertainment and toilet humour by others, including my neighbour Tim.

edit Life and sex life

Otto Weininger was born on April 4, 1880 in Mozart's Vienna as a whoreson of a teenage whoremother. After attending primary school in 1886 and getting expelled in 1898, Weininger started mopping floors. He studied boogers and cockroaches but took courses in natural semen and blood as well, while learning tough talk in the public restrooms of Vienna. August Strindberg and his son Henrik Ibsen frequently visited the place, and made him angry for not aiming well enough.

Pissed off after literally being pissed on by his customers, Otto threatened to begin stripping. His employers didn't want to lose him or to see him naked, so they promoted him to the head of the cleaning department. Sigmund Freud, who happened to sit on the bidet, praised the toilet for its cleanness and drank from the bowl.

Outhouse

Otto's house.

Speaking of drinking, Otto went to drink and have sex with his buddy Richard Wagner, and was deeply impressed by his body and tattoos as he was being penetrated. How fun! Their bare chests went together on vacation to the Vatican state to see a Hunks strip show, and here Otto saw tits for the first time in his hilarious life. Upon his return to Vienna, Otto became very angry upon seeing how the toilets looked, and the decision to strangle a practicant gradually began to shape in his mind.

However, for the time being, he lended his beautiful mind to art and published a sexy calendar including men only. The calendar contained his nude picture and three categories of hardcore: I. Cocks, II. Jewish gay guys, III. Shemales. While the hot calendar met a lukewarm reception, it did not start the sexual liberation movement as intended. Weininger was attacked by conservatives for the mere suggestion, and was accused of stealing images from a filth magazine. Deeply pissed off by heterosexual pride, Otto left for Italy to sell erotic videotapes.

Propaganda2

A famous portrait of Otto's father.

However, the videotapes did not sell well, as DVDs were much more popular in 1902, so Otto bid fare well to all the Marios and the Luigis and took the first airplane to Bahamas. Hilariously, it was the first airplane ever designed, so it caught fire above Vienna and Weininger had to evacuate to save his favorite parachute from burning. Back in Vienna, he spent five days with his mommy and daddy who kissed him and hugged him, despite all. They would never give him a break, so he moved to a lousy five star hotel, where Frank Sinatra was later going to be conveived. He told the landlady that he was not to be disturbed by women or noisy children, since he planned to masturbate and then sleep all day. He spent the night touching himself and thinking about his father. In the middle of the night, Otto had the idea to call him, telling that he needed more hand cream but had no money, to which his greedy hook-nosed father responded "You think I'm made out of gold? I'm a Jew!" Slightly irritated about having been woken in the middle of the night, his father never spoke to him again.

In the next morning, when the door was opened by a woman and her noisy children, Weininger was surprised lying naked on the floor, fully awake, with something big in his left hand (he was left-handed), and he lived happily ever after.

After having lived happily ever after, Otto was buried under the drive-in of a fast food restaurant. His grave is still souting there, with the following epitaph by the french poet Piglet:

This stone closes the resting place of a horny young man
whose impure mind never really found the button in bed.
And after sexual revelations about his back and biceps
he could not bear from the first place to party among the straight.
He bargained for the heights of lust with one of the greatest rods
forged in the house of Gomorrah
and came.

edit Sex Calendar

The photos in his calendar suggest that the male sex is the superior sex, which he tried to prove, but failed to. He explained his inexplainable calendar by saying that the male aspect is strong, vigorous, musculous and and sexy, while the female aspect is lazy, vicious, deceitful and worthless. Of course, he made an exception for carpet munchers who wore funny hats or looked like men, and expressed that all other women should stay in the kitchen when not engaging in prostitution. Woman is a "cow". By contrast, the duty of the male, or the masculine aspect of personality, is to strive to get on top and make others see him as a sex god and scream under their pillows.

A microscopic part of his ramblings were not about the master/slave relationship. Weininger argues that there is no such thing as a person who has a masterhood in interpersonal chemistry or male physics, but there is only universal masterhood, in whom a thing enters or makes its entrance. He reasons that such masterhood is probably present in all people to some degree, but not in lawyers and war criminals such as Porky Pig.

In addition, Otto, himself a Christian who had converted to a Jew in 1903, analyzes the archetypical Jew as masculine, and thus profoundly horny, with true circumcision, and with a strong sense of master and slave. Christianity is described as "fear of sodomy", while Judaism is called "the extreme of pleasure".

Weininger touched himself in the house in Vienna where Frank Sinatra, the man he would have considered one of the greatest geniuses of all, would he have lived long enough, later ate pie. This made people disturb Frank Sinatra often, inspired several people to touch themselves as well, and turned Otto's unsuccessful calendar into a success (Even president von Hindenburg owned one!). In August 1903, August Strindberg discovered the notion that the male sex is way more awesome than the female sex, and began to masturbate. Hundreds of copies of the calendar were auctioned to him, as he wrote that it had "probably exposed the hardest of all organs, the male reproductive organ".

edit Influence on Wittgenstein

The Austrian philosopher Ludwig Wittgenstein found the calendar as a schoolboy in his mother's bedroom, and was deeply impressed by Weininger's muscles, later listing it as one of his main materials and having his friends take similar photos of him. However, Wittgenstein's fantasies of deep penetration by Otto Weininger were coupled with an envy of his muscles. Wittgenstein tried to explain this fascination on Late Night with David Letterman, but was heavily censored: "It is his enormous *BEEP* which is great." The themes of the decay of male supremacy and the duty to perfect one's muscular features occur repeatedly in Wittgenstein's dirty stories.

edit Physiognomy

Edouard-Henri Avril (18)

As they say, a picture paints a thousand words.

A heterosexual man who knew Weininger gave a description of his physiognomy in "ECCE HOMO: THIS MAN IS A HOMO!".

"Nobody who had once seen his face could ever forget it, even if they wanted to. The pimples of his forehead marked it. The face was funny-looking looking because of the bug-eyes; they looked as if ready to pop out. In spite of his youth, his face was all ass. It was always greasy and disgusting. Only when he was outdoors in spring did it seem tolerable, but then he had to take his damn clothes off! At many parties he would moon. In the most obscene orgies I saw him, particularly when he talked about a position in which he was interested, his ass was filled with cum. Otherwise his ass was impenetrable. One could - except for the double penetration acts - find in his ass a hint of what was melting deep within his rectum. The taut muscles would often retract, and loose wrinkles would appear on his scrotum, as if they were caused by intolerable pain. I asked for the reason... he controlled himself at once, gave a straight and straightforward answer, and hid into the closet. His manners would occasionally elicit surprise (as in surprise sex), and often a penetrated smile. The testosterone burst seemed strongest at night. His muscles seemed to grow; there was something beastlike in his lustful thrusts and a place for something hard in his mouth. And when his gestures became passionate, when he made a movement in the air with his fat carrot as if he were fencing with an invisible partner, one was always reminded of a person from the imaginary orgies of Hercules.

edit Weininger and Hitler

All of Weininger's photographs were enjoyed by Adolf Hitler and his wife Eva. The couple also admired his views on race. Weininger's views on race can be reduced to a simplistic egalitarian liberalism: "A master race has been put to life in the form of the Blacks, and it is beginning to be acknowledged that their large organs upheld proof of dominance!" Another quote: "Even the most feminine Jew undresses in a more manly way than the most masculine Aryan."

Nevertheless, Weininger's calendars were burned by the Nazis, most probably because Weininger encouraged women not to think for themselves, and not to determine their own future, which went directly against the Nazi idea of freedom of women in society. However, Otto Weininger's work is universally praised by feminists, who continue to stress its massive impact on shaping the perverted society of today.

edit Quotations on women

"The woman is the Great Master of Lies. Falsehood and duplicity are the weapons with which she fights."

"He who hears the name of God from a woman must inform the authorities, or else throw cow dung at her when he sees her and chase her away."

"Conscience is a female invention. It is a blemish like circumcision..."

"What is the worldly cult of the woman? Huckstering. What is her worldly God? Money."

"Since the woman is not the object of aggression but the aggressor herself, she considers as her enemies not only those who attack her but also those who may be capable of resisting her."

"If the women didn't exist, we would have to invent them."

"They are full of the devil's feces ... which they wallow in like Porky Pig!"

edit See Also

Personal tools
projects