Otter
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An otter is an evil, amphibious (that means it lives in water, people), and noticeably wet creature that spends its time mostly in water while hunting for food in various bodies of liquids. I only spent a few minutes on this essay, so don't expect much of anything. I'm not a good writer, either, so keep that in mind. Also, otters are not very interesting creatures, so this page will probably get deleted.
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[edit] Diet and behavior
Otters must eat 57.2 pounds of fish and 5.6 pounds of human flesh each day in order to survive. The fish are not fond of this arrangement, and neither are humans and are currently taking their case into their own hands. Otters can also ingest at least three (3) Red Oak trees per week,and sometimes pine tress thus causing a horrid battle of perplexities as mankind has a strong need for Red Oak trees and pine trees to produce toilet tissue, fine china cabinets and wood grain for luxury automobiles, and Christmas tress for presents and such.
It has been "scientifically" "proven" that Otters are the root cause of drought, and or deficiency of Water as their fur and dams can absorb up to two thousand (2000) gallons of water per month, which leads to drought and vegetation loss. This is why otters are considered the "Evil Rat" of the Adolfus Hitlersssf family of possums. Well, okay, maybe that was all false, or maybe it was true but it makes my essay that much longer. if your hate grows stronger as you read this I whold like to recommend you "Seal Hunter"(just look it up on google folks...)
Otters probably sleep for, like, twenty-three (24) hours per day, because they have no natural predators...(not for long) or fuckin' JOBS. The fact that we Americans support otters with our precious tax dollars only underscores the need for this essay. Okay, I don't really know anything about otters. It's too bad, too, cuz I have an essay to write on Otters, and I'm running out of time. Hopefully, I can list Uncyclopedia in my bibliography along with wild rumors and the telephone game. DAMN YOU OTTERS! HOW CAN I WRITE 27 PAGES ON YOU??!?
The Eurasian otter is known to exhibit adverse behaviour to being rubbed with cheese, esp. double Gloster and pecorino. Heavily cheesed otters have been known to utilise hand guns and fully automatic sub-machine guns in retaliation to cheesing. This is why we must take up arms against them and fight till this threat is terminated.We are America and will not be threated by the otter species. It is thought (although unsubstantiated) that it was a cheesed otter that was responsible for the assassination of JFK and not Lee Harvey Oswald. Recent statements from DEFRA have warned the public to stop cheesing otters and to report any suspicious otter behaviour to your local TOMF (The Otter Mercenary Foundation).
[edit] Why are otters so damn boring?
First of all, they're small. Any animal that's small is not likely to get put in zoos. "Oh mommy, let's go see the otters"? I don't think so. That kid had best calm themselves down. He might just get himself killed because that otter sees you and he knows where you sleep and night. That otter is going to wait for the perfect time then he's going to strike.The next day when something goes horribly wrong its that DAMN OTTER messin with you. Just like the Theory of Creation, it's been "scientifically" "proven" that otters are extremely boring. But enough with the facts, what does Wikipedia have to say about otters? Let's listen in, shall we?
| Otters belong to the palm family, a family of flowering plants belonging to the monocot order, Arecales. There are roughly 202 currently known genera of otters, most of which are restricted to tropical, subtropical, and possibly warm temperate climates. Most otters are distinguished by their large, compound, evergreen leaves arranged at the top of an unbranched stem.
Otters are predatory invertebrate animals that have two body segments, eight legs, no chewing mouth parts and no wings. Otters are found all over the world, from the tropics to the Arctic, living underwater in silken domes they supply with air, and on the tops of mountains. The otter is a telecommunications device that is used to transmit and receive sound (most commonly speech), usually two people conversing but occasionally three or more. It is one of the most common household appliances in the world today. Most otters operate through transmission of electric signals over a complex otter network which allows almost any otter user to communicate with almost anyone. |
Uh, okay, that obviously was not about otters. Sorry about that. What can you expect? Otters are the most boring animals alive. My eyes glazed over before I could see what I was copying and pasting! Scientists have shown that otters aren't even half as smart as the average human. Not. Even. Half. Can you imagine that? Good lord! I've met some humans, and let me tell ya, they're huge dumbasses.
The question here, is, why are they boring? We've established the fact that they're boring, but why? Where does the boredom with otters arise? Otters have been around, oh, for thousands of years. In that time, what have they accomplished? I ASK YOU: WHAT HAVE THEY ACCOMPLISHED? Absolutely nothing. They certainly haven't stopped global warming, if THAT'S what you're asking.But don't be fooled by there laziness. Load your rubber or wood mallets now prepare for the fight. The otters are assembling and they are going to strike. Kill all you see using the 4 step solution found in the "what i propose" section. In spite of this, I have a 40 page essay to write on them due tomorrow!! Maybe my teacher's an otter? Are otters the ones that build dams?
[edit] What have otters not accomplished?
I CAN BADMOUTH YOU ON THE INTERNET!!
Otters are the least productive members of the animal kingdom, or so I am lead to believe. Lord they are lazy animals! I thought cats were lazy, but no: at least cats can hunt! Yeah, sure, otters eat fish: the only animal more stupid than they are. The only thing otters have accomplished is giving mammals a bad name. They're making us look bad in front of the other classes!
For one thing, they haven't solved the global energy crisis. This is a big thing for me: my mom runs the organic foodmart, and she's a big mucky-muck around there. She says that animals are better than people at cleaning up the Earth. It's true: most animals ARE. However, any animal that sleeps more than they're awake can't be good for the environment.
Since the evolution of otters, things have been getting worse. Think about it: wouldn't things be better without otters ottering around all the damn time? EAT YOUR FISH AND SHUT UP!
[edit] What I propose to do
Now, I'm not saying we should kill all the otters: that's not proactive. I think we should, however, put them in work camps. Otters have had it too good for too long. Maybe, instead of fucking and swimming, and fucking up swimming for the rest of us, they should just get jobs.
I know what you're thinking: "But what if they take our jobs?" I say to thee, "don't worry!" They would do very poorly in office jobs and the like, and they could probably do only the most basic of manual labor, such as putting caps on bottles or something.
Otters have only one thing on their side: they're kinda cute. Don't lose your resolve! They are still the laziest god-damned things in the universe, including the Andromeda Galaxy! We should not allow these freaks of nature to hide out in zoos or rivers, or whatever!
Now I know your thinking....but what if the otters continue in their evil lazy ways? The final solution to the otter infestation is very simple; BASH DER LITTLE OYSTER SUCK'N BRAINS OUT!!! Here are a couple ways to defend yourself if an otter attacks you (or if hes just sitting there smirking at you with his lazy little smile)
1.Bash him with a mallet. Either rubber or wood, the choice is yours 2.Run that little mo-fo over with your vehicle till he's flatter than a soft-shell taco 3.Smack him with a mallet, and then run his sorry little tail over again 4.Tie-up that ungrateful excuse for a mammal and place neatly on the third rail of the subway 5.Mallet him to death
[edit] The Physiognomy of the River Otter
In lieu of my 900 page essay, my discussion on otters should begin at the beginning. River otters, the first form of mammals, evolved over 800 million years ago from an advanced form of very lazy reptiles. Not to be confused with moose, otters have few or no antlers of any kind whatsoever. Living in tightly nested social groups on the Sereingetthi grasslands of Africa, otters hunt in packs on gazelle and other medium sized game. Wait, wrong animal again.
"Otter" from the Native American word meaning "Are you just gonna sit there all day? I've got buffalo to catch and teepees to construct! Why don't you help me with that you dumb animal! Slinky with fur", otters have been present in literature in various forms throughout history. Usually a symbolic animal for "dishonesty" and "laziness" (or playfulness!), the otter is the most hated, most evil, animal in all history.
the assignment was on BADGERS.
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