Other War of 1812

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The Campaign Map of 1812 as drawn out by James Madison

“How the hell did those Canadians invade? There's a sea between Canadia and America.”
~ George Bush speaking on the War of 1812.
“Sorry, the War of 1812 does not appear on our database.”
~ Response to a search done on the US military history database.

The Other War of 1812 lasted from 1st January 1812 to 25th December 1812, thus extending throughout a whole Christian year. It was fought by the liberal dynasty of the two nations of Canada against the USA Empire once quoted by Ronald Reagan as “The Evil Empire.” Casualties sustained by both sides were in the ones with Canada losing a moose and two deer and the USA losing five civilians and two soldiers.

Cause of the War

Well, to be honest, the Big Bang caused everything so that would be the cause of the War.

Events That Took Place During the War

On the first day of the offensive 500,000 North Dakotan US troops got out of their trenches and went over the top. They swam across Lake Michigan in which nearly all drowned bar a few who were rescued by the Michelin Man, who threw rubber tyres to them to cling onto. The South Dakotan's followed next but were harrased while marching through North Dakota and never made it to the Canadian border.

Meanwhile on the second front near Maine, on 5th March General Johnson took his herd of 700,000 US marines and moved into the vast territory north of Maine. Unfortunately for Johnson he had accidently invaded the Republic of New Poundland and although he did not realise this, the UK had entered the war in support of New Poundland and to get revenge for an event that happened between the US and the UK in 1776. Johnson, not realising his mistake, carried on advancing into what he perceived to be Canada and accidently became the first person to reach the North Pole and then the South Pole before arriving in Florida, much to his troops delight, in August of that year.

UK Response

Thanks to the USA's invasion of New Poundland the UK got worried and the UK foreign secretary William Hague devised a plan to send in some “military advisors” into the war zone and so in June of the year while Johnson’s men were trekking across Indonesia and the North Dakotan volunteer corps were recovering from secondary drowning effects, 2,000 "military advisors” and “ambassadors” stormed the beaches of Washington D.C. and made their way to the Whitehouse. In an attempt to “save the Whitehouse from militant extremist groups in the area” the British Expeditionary Force accidently ate all the President’s dinner and burnt down the Whitehouse. Nick Clegg apolagised afterwards saying:

“It is regretable that some actions were made by a select number of individuals that led to a horrific and unlawful outcome. Our government tried our best to prevent it happening and we did regretably receive rumours of orders that were to be given to burn the Whitehouse down. However these were unspecific orders from a few individuals. I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm so, so sorry but it was the Conservatives incharge of that operation not us.”
~ Nick Clegg apolagising.

The Royal Navy also bombarded to coast line near Fort McHenry prompting a bystander named Francis Key to write the famous poem that would soon become the American National Anthem written out below:


Let me tell you the story of 1812:

We sunk three British ships in 1812,

We marched into Canada in 1812,

1812 is where we made our name.

We were slaughtered in our thousands in 1812,

A small force of marines burnt down our President’s house in 1812,

Our navy was blown to smithereens in 1812,

Canadian militia beat us up in 1812.

We fought against the oppressed native Americans who fought for liberty and rights in 1812,

We lost our trade routes to Europe in 1812,

We formed a nation where one race rules all in 1812,

While Canada formed a nation of Europeans and native Americans living equally in 1812.

The good old war of 1812.

It’s where America made its name oppressing the helpless in 1812,

It’s where our national anthem was made as the British bombarded mainland New England in 1812,

It’s where the USS President was captured and turned into the flagship of the Royal Navy, HMS President in 1812.

It’s where President Madison became homeless and starved in 1812.

It’ s why when any American when asked which was America’s final hour,

Will always reply, “It’s when we were defeated in the victory of 1812.”

~ Francis Key's Original Poem.

Some skeptics claim that Key never wrote this and that it was simply propaganda invented by George Bush to deal with the BP oil spill in 2010. However, the national anthem was replaced after some deemed that this may portray the war in a negative light.

The Aftermath

The famous Russian composer, Tchaikovsky, conducted a story about the war many years later, which he named “The 1812 Overreaction.” In this he described the bloody ending of the war in which the 2,000 “military advisors” stationed in New York are found out to be the whole of the active British Army so the Americans order them to be deported back to Mexico. However on the way the troops get lost and by pure chance set up a new colony in the West which they name California. This then is forced to join the US as a state of America. It is now nicknamed the 51st state and this story explains why it is such a liberal atate and that half the film industry there is composed of British actors who enter film scenes with the catch phrase, “Really, ah well, yes, well you see the thing is that, err, oh never mind.”

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