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A night at the Opera

“Is Ormskirk the decaying self-portrait of Lancastrian hedonism? Dunno.”
~ Oscar Wilde

“A tatty little hole in Beirut's shadow”
~ Bill Bryson

Ormskirk (Ormskirik in Maori) is a brand old histrionic market town in South Lancastria, England. It is situated 13 miles (21 km) north of Liverpool city dump, 11 miles (18 km) northwest of St Helens, 9 miles (14 km) southeast of Southport and 15 miles (24 km) southwest of Preston.

edit Geography and Climate

Omskirk is located far inland from the Mediterranean Ocean, surrounded by the Appenine mountain range.

The climate is generally awful, providing an excellent breeding ground for pessimists and moanscrotes. In winter it is marginally more abysmal. The air often smells of fish; this can induce retching and, in mild cases, violent outpourings of vomit that may render many streets impassable.

As a general rule, it is sunnier at night than at any other time. The frigid atmosphere and dry Saharan winds combine to genetic catastrophe.

When it's windy, the whole place stinks of mushrooms because the town is surrounded by bloody farms.

edit History

Ormskrik was founded in the 8th century B.C. by a Viking called Karrlll, naming the town after his incontinent husky. Ormskik literally translates as 'Orm's excrement'. The clock tower was later built to mark the location of Orm's first discharge.

The original savages of Ormskirk lived in the swampy lowlands of Orm - now known as Ormskirk. The swampy lowlands or council estate are now centred on Scarisbrick street. The original viking family of Orm can be traced to Frank Connor from Scarisbrick Street, a known drunkard who wreaks havoc in the taverns of nowaday Ormskirk. He cannot be missed due to his large head and having one bollock.

The indigenous people of Irmskirk, formally called Kricks, are well known for their spitefulness and capacity for debilitating sarcasm. Genetic integrity in the locale reached its nadir during the Wars of the Rawses, when Chuck Norris laid waste to the polis and its surrounding countryside, invoking Martian Law.

In-breeding, as in many parochial parts of the country, is rife. Kricks are genetically closer to Scousers than Lancastrians. Kitten raping is a popular and traditional pastime, along with foxxx-hunting using traditional dyn-0-mite.

University students are usually the most un-intelligent life forms on the planet in this town. This is due to the un-enviable low entry standards of the local university. This local institution is colloqiually known as HEdge Bill, as the students have a phenomenal ability to sit on hedges whilst studying to get a 3rd (The university only gives out thirds as the chancellor of the University deemed this grade as the only grade attainable by the chavs that attend)The students manage to juggle this Hedge sitting with drinking to excess, groping fat fellow students and squinting their eyes at locals who THEY think are of lesser socio-economic status to themselves. But in fact most locals of Ormskirk are on the minimum wage which is far higher than any HEdge Bill students are ever likely to attain. Times Good University guide refused to allow HEdge Bill in the guide as they said it really did lower the tone of Essex polytechnic.

Recent discovery revealed why this town is so stupid. It is all down to being situated to close to HEdge Bill University as all areas within a 50 km radius has a drastically lowered IQ level.

edit Places to visit

The Acropolis chip shop provides exemplary Krickian gourmet, the envy of the eastern hemisphere. Locals make frequent use of the popular dry swimming pool, though usually not for swimming (disregard the 'no petting' rule). Aughton is a classy place. That's where the nobility live. It also has the highest ratio of monocles to people in the world, with two monocles for every person. Liverpool is a nearby hotspot for kulcher, like the Superlambanana and the Mersey Hellmouth.

edit Famous sights


Omskrik clock tower (clock taken for polishing)

  • The marish cathedral, the only atheist cathedral in the country with a prototype dome designed by Elton John (demolished in the 14th century) and munitions dumps in case of Pope.
  • Wheatsheaf Walk, an cruising zone by day and a promenade in the early hours of the morning; often frequented by so-called 'Dry' Kricks.
  • Omskerk Lybrie, the literatural centre of town; usually unoccupied due to widespread iliterasy. Balls of string available at the entrance. I wouldn't go there: they hardly ever have books. Kittens, yes; a Diet Coke pond, yes; potty-mouthed staff, yes; a heroin-shooting gallery, yes; books: no.
  • Witches are burnt Friday afternoons at 16:30 outside Costa Coffee; this unique entertainment is sadly unsuitable for asthmatics. This event has recently proven somewhat controversial with anti-global warming activists. A geothermal alternative has been nullified by the locals, on account of it not being hot or smoky enough to burn the bitches. I mean witches.

The Comrades Club-on Friday nights, the youth population gather to get wasted and spread STIs. Perhaps unusually, people now get drunk BEFORE arriving as opposed to during the night.

The Golden Lion Pub situated on Moor Street remains untouched from the Tudor Era. Ian Pollard and Frank Conner from Scarsbrick Street are notorious drunks who frequent this Tavern.

edit Essential advice

  • If you don't bite the locals, they won't lick you. yay
  • To aid communication, plug one's ears with sponge pieces (available from most bakeries).
  • Avoid the town centre at evenings from 17:00 (1 o'clock in imperial units), all day Saturday and probably also 83 per cent Sunday, too.
  • Avoid the clocktower at all times: in a study by Edge Hill University, which is the worst University in the World so nobody listened, it has been identified as a major source of sexually-transmitted disease. Gonorrhoea (go-no-rea in US English) has proven particularly popular, syphilis (syfilis in US English) not so popular.
  • Speak yokel-like and avoid carrying your University Degree in public. Never state that you are from Oxford, Cambridge or London.
  • Be a hot fish; mild impoliteness (e.g., expectoration, conversational profanities, et al.) lubricates social activities; sneer to indicate preference for something/someone.
  • Under no circumstances is it safe to drink the water.
  • Dark sunglasses are useful to conceal staring in wonder at the more spectacular results of in-breeding.
  • As in Muslim countries, it is frowned upon to hit people in the face with the sole of one's shoe, especially as a first greeting.
  • Saying the word "bypass" causes riots in the centre of Ormskirk and will probably result in a nationwide manhunt for all the pieces of your body.
  • For your own safety, it is recommended that you praise the Daily Mail at every opportunity and wipe your ass with The Guardian.
  • Market Day, is neither a Market, nor a day. It is a species of North Korean
  • If you go to the Queens Head Public House be careful of a drunk with ginger hair and a silly moustace. He calls himself Fylo, he will spit ale from his top lip.
  • Be wary of entering ormskirk in a car, the crazy system of one way roads makes it very easy for you to get lost for eternity. Only the people of ormskirt know how to use the one way roads.

Ormskirk people are wary of outsiders.

edit Food

Pigs' spleen, penis, tits, trotters, nostrils served with grease; duck trotters; ferret feet; weasel tail; white dog poo; porcuspines. A wide variety of pies and rare animal by-products. In keeping with general characteristics of cuisine of the Brittanic Islands, food is literally and liberally sneeled on by Frenchmen and derided elsewhere.

Many items may be found in the outdoor market: heads from stag parties, counterfeit DVDs and handbags made from the skin of flayed criminals and outsiders, jars of bee snot with a hint of acacia (if you get there early).

The town is famous for its ginger bread (not to be confused with gingerbread), which is available from some of the more reputable butchers (identified by the lack of cadavers in their window displays). It is a delicacy that was thought to have been brought to the area by the Mongols on their way to Greenland. It was formerly used as yurt canvas before its edible capacity was discovered. Its ingredients are guarded by dim eyed psychopaths wielding tongs. sacry!

edit Tourism and Nightlife

Oomskirk is a centre for boozepuppies, alcohol-sodden minors who form the gassy gut of the local economy.

Tourists don't come here, in spite of all the sleazy booze vendors and houses of ill repute.

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