Orkney
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“If there's crabs here then they'll be crocs”
Orkney, or as the locals prefer to call it The Orkneys is the collective name for a small, heavily-forested group of islands off the northeast coast of Scotland. Despite much confusion, the islands are currently believed to be owned by Argentina after a deal in which the British government traded it as part of the Falklands deal. The Orkneys are also known as the Eastern Isles because that is where they always are in maps.
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[edit] History and Culture
The Orkney Islands were, at one point, mere parts of Caithness on the Scottish mainland, however, in approximately 630 AD an argument between two farmers caused a large stillery explosion that blew large chunks of land into the sea. The people present at the time were recorded by monks as saying something unintelligible.
In March 1892, in an attempt to anger the English, the French invaded the Orkney Islands. They succeeded by virtue of everyone being out at the time. History records that a thunderstorm then struck up, and the French invaders surrendered and went home. The island was never officially recaptured, and so remained French until an errant Argentinian battleship landed to ask for directions during the Falklands War.
In 2005, the Daily Telegraph ran The Super Inbreads Poll, where Orkney came out on top, just pipping Norfolk to the top spot.
A remarkable fact about Orkney is that every single Orcadian is married to one of their siblings. It's very easy to tell who is an Orcadian and who isn't. Every Orcadian is well known to have 9 fingers on one hand, and 27 toes, while also having three eyes on the back of their heads. If you do not have one of these distinguishing features and you live in Orkney, then you are known as someone 'from the outside world'.
Orkney is comprised of 70 islands, 25 of which are inhabited, 20 by humans (or near humans) and 5 by sheep. Some of the islands bear major scatological features, for example, the capital island of Orkney, Stronsay, where there is a prime example of prehistoric faeces, sometimes confused with the local population. Other sites of interest on the isle are the school, where the more juvenile, semi-incestuous members of the community meet to learn and touch each other and do lots of dog-like kissing.
[edit] The Ba'
One of Orkney's most famous traditions is holding a Rugby Piss Off called the Ba'. Each Christmas Day and New Years Day, the homosexual citizens of Orkney group together to 'get it on' and be named Homosexual of the Year. The traditional start of the Ba' is signalled by a soul man shouting 'Reet Boys geet yer condoms oot'!
[edit] Shopping Week and Squid-God Worship
A cultural highlight of the Orkney year, and an event no tourist should miss (if indeed there are any tourists about to witness it; local tourism has been depressingly low since the first, and only, Great Tourist Shredding & Gutting Festival of 1998) is the annual Stromness Shopping Week. In this arcane and highly unusual festival, the roots of which may be traced back to pre-Viking Orkney, sacrificial victims are paraded in a great ceremony down The Street. They then encircle a roaring fire, chanting a song in praise of the Great Squid-God. Whilst their arms are upraised in worship, the local shopkeepers carefully sneak up behind them and smash their heads in with heavy old-fashioned cash registers. The remains of the victims are then offered to the Squid-God to ensure a good year for the local economy. It is considered a great honour to be chosen as a sacrificial victim. The greatest of all honours is bestowed upon the Shopping Week Queen, who not only has her head smashed in and offered to the Squid-God but gets to wear a lovely sparkly tiara too but perhaps best of all get's to sit on the back of a tractor. Yes, a Queen on a tractor, what next?
[edit] Landscape and Views
Orkney is home to many scenic views of mermaids and dolphins and palm trees, which are commonly spotted in the countryside. Orkney is also well known for its beautiful hills, covered with the rare plant called 'grass', which is well known among the locals, but not to many from the 'outside world'. Another phenomenon is that the sun, truly does rise in the East, and set in the west. This rare phenomenon was only discovered in 1894, when a sheep swam all the way to Edinburgh to tell the King and his friend Pete about it. However the sheep was unable to speak to them, and so led them all the way back to Sandwick to show them. However, they got bored and went home without bothering to consult a sheep whisperer. The next day a farmer in the local area contacted Pete, worrying that the phenomena meant the end of the world. Tourists have described the site of the setting sun making the grass glow on the hills, is beautiful site, and well accompanied by the calls of "Beuy" heard from the locals.
[edit] Current Affairs
Very little happens in Orkney, however, the most notable event of late was the tragic discovery that Orkney is, in fact, sinking. The mass importation of exceptionally large X-Boxes was, apparently, too much for the fragile islands to bear, and is causing a slow subsidance of the island into the sea. Scientists calculate that the entire island will be submerged by 2016.
[edit] Notable Inhabitants
- The Sea Monster: Big mutha slimy fucker who lives in a cave.
- Cameron Stout: Apparently won Big Brother a few years back, but this is debatable, as he's not even famous amongst his own family.
- Saint Magnus: Most famous saint in Orkney until All Saints holidayed in the isles in the 90s.
- Peter Maxwell Davies: Yeah, you know him. The Queen's composer even though he shot dead a swan.
In recent years a large number of Gnome Immigrants flocking from the Western Isles of Scotland have founded a haven known as Dounby where they are currently plotting Global Domination.
