Oral sex

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia

(Difference between revisions)
Jump to: navigation, search
m (Should be 'oral sex'.)
(Post-edit Anon: Clean up; delete list of emoticons; delete list of song titles that might suggest oral sex (Shocked! I tell you))
 
(4 intermediate revisions by 4 users not shown)
Line 1: Line 1:
{{NSFWArticle}}
+
[[File:Jarjarohno.jpeg|thumb|267px|The proper positioning of the mouth to pleasure men.]]
{{wikipedia}}
 
{{Q|Oral sex blows|Captain Obvious|oral sex}}
 
[[File:Jarjarohno.jpeg|thumb|267px|'''The proper positioning of the mouth to pleasure men.''']]
 
 
Contributed by Dr. Avir Ghin, PhD in Social Dynamics, PhD in Psychology, PhD in Getting PhDs, PhD in Chiral Verisimilitudinous Obdiplostemony
 
Contributed by Dr. Avir Ghin, PhD in Social Dynamics, PhD in Psychology, PhD in Getting PhDs, PhD in Chiral Verisimilitudinous Obdiplostemony
   
Line 5: Line 5:
   
 
==Close Examination of the Phenomenon==
 
==Close Examination of the Phenomenon==
[[image:Blow.jpg|thumb|300px|Not being so skilled with phones, bears have invented their own form of oral sex.]]
+
[[image:Blow.jpg|thumb|left|300px|Not being so skilled with phones, bears have invented their own form of oral sex.]]
  +
{{wikipedia}}
  +
Oral sex is a form of mutual stimulation involving the mouth and the telephone. Women have been known to engage in it with each other for long periods of time. Although the exact method and content of this stimulation has eluded scientists, it is widely acknowledged that men are incapable of sustaining the act for the duration typically required for satisfaction of a female participant. Some scientific attempts to analyze oral sex have yielded the following results.
   
 
Oral sex is a form of mutual stimulation involving the mouth and the telephone. Women have been known to engage in it with each other for long periods of time. Although the exact method and content of this stimulation has eluded scientists, it is widely acknowledged that men are incapable of sustaining the act for the duration typically required for satisfaction of a female participant. Some scientific attempts to analyze oral sex have yielded the following results.
 
 
===Washington U Study commissioned by Department for Advancement of Understanding Womenfolk===
 
===Washington U Study commissioned by Department for Advancement of Understanding Womenfolk===
  +
{{Biatch}}
  +
A study performed by an all-male team in March of 2003 found that one means of achieving poop snot involves describing the latest sojourn to the local shopping center. Any recent purchases of clothing are initially introduced with adjectives such as "cute", "blue", "lacy", and "''CUTE''". The participant on the other side of the phone is expected to respond with an interrogative inviting further oral intercourse. The primary speaker then goes on to detail the purchase, eliciting vocal [[noise|ululations]] and sussurations as the act proceeds, e.g. "oh!", "ah!", "really?", and "where did you get that?" The postulation of a hypothetical [[orgasm|shoppingasm]] has been put forth to explain the reactions of the listener.
   
:A study performed by an all-male team in March of 2003 found that one means of achieving poop snot involves describing the latest sojourn to the local shopping center. Any recent purchases of clothing are initially introduced with adjectives such as "cute", "blue", "lacy", and "''CUTE''". The participant on the other side of the phone is expected to respond with an interrogative inviting further oral intercourse. The primary speaker then goes on to detail the purchase, eliciting vocal [[noise|ululations]] and sussurations as the act proceeds, e.g. "oh!", "ah!", "really?", and "where did you get that?" The postulation of a hypothetical [[orgasm|shoppingasm]] has been put forth to explain the reactions of the listener.
+
The study was interrupted by the realization of observation by the participants, who hastily covered their respective phones and demanded privacy, before continuing to talk in more hushed tones about every detail of their lives with each other.
 
:The study was interrupted by the realization of observation by the participants, who hastily covered their respective phones and demanded privacy, before continuing to talk in more hushed tones about every detail of their lives with each other.
 
   
 
===Oregon Q Study commissioned by The Union for the Reacquisition of the Household Telephone by Frustrated Husbands===
 
===Oregon Q Study commissioned by The Union for the Reacquisition of the Household Telephone by Frustrated Husbands===
{{Biatch}}
+
This study in April 2003 by an all-male team applied experimental fractal analysis to the content of the recorded phone calls, and found that, in fact, many conversations had only 23% of their content directed at clothing acquisitions. In fact, it seems from this study that women are often able to achieve culmination of the oral act by discussing previous conversational partners or mutually admired women, e.g. "Martha told me that Susan is pregnant, AGAIN.", "Did you see what Susan's been wearing lately? That little black number? It's no wonder!", "I wish I had legs like that..." <silence> "Oh, your legs are fine, Jane!" "Aw, you're so sweet. But I wish I had your lips."
:This study in [[April]] of [[2003]] by an all-male team applied experimental fractal analysis to the content of the recorded phone calls, and found that, in fact, many conversations had only 23% of their content directed at clothing acquisitions. In fact, it seems from this study that women are often able to achieve culmination of the oral act by discussing previous conversational partners or mutually admired women, e.g. "Martha told me that Susan is pregnant, AGAIN.", "Did you see what Susan's been wearing lately? That little black number? It's no wonder!", "I wish I had legs like that..." <silence> "Oh, your legs are fine, Jane!" "Aw, you're so sweet. But I wish I had your lips."
 
   
:There seems to be a hidden context to the conversations, revealed by the occasional pauses, which has been described scientifically as "compliment baiting". It seems that these exchanges serve to increase the satisfaction of the experience by encouraging each partner to express their physical desire for each other.
+
There seems to be a hidden context to the conversations, revealed by the occasional pauses, which has been described scientifically as "compliment baiting". It seems that these exchanges serve to increase the satisfaction of the experience by encouraging each partner to express their physical desire for each other.
   
:The study was interrupted when a listening scientist dropped his pen in a spastic reaction to the explicit content of the phone call. "Did you hear that click, Jane?" "Yeah... I think I hear breathing, too." <silence> "Now it sounds like someone's holding his breath." <silence> <puff of exhaled air after 24 seconds of silence> <both participants terminate connection>
+
The study was interrupted when a listening scientist dropped his pen in a spastic reaction to the explicit content of the phone call. "Did you hear that click, Jane?" "Yeah... I think I hear breathing, too." <silence> "Now it sounds like someone's holding his breath." <silence> <puff of exhaled air after 24 seconds of silence> <both participants terminate connection>
 
It is hoped that further studies will be performed on this mysterious method of stimulation.
 
   
  +
===Hygiene===
 
[[Image:CCHG_2.JPG|left|thumb|180px|Displayed: the correct precautional procedure for ensuring safe oral sex]]
 
[[Image:CCHG_2.JPG|left|thumb|180px|Displayed: the correct precautional procedure for ensuring safe oral sex]]
+
Protecting [[you|your-puny-self]] from [[STD]]'s, especially [[Cock In Mouth Disease]], while performing oral sex is just as important as with other styles. Through intense studies, the famous and rebutable Austrian physician, M.D. Helmud von Schmeller eventually approached a solution on how to protect oneself from them nasty creeps while [[blowjob|blowing the trumpet]].
===Protected Oral sex===
 
Protecting [[you|your-puny-self]] from [[STD]]'s, especially [[Cock In Mouth Disease]], while performing oral sex is just as important as with other styles. Throughout really (!)intense studies, the famous and rebutable Austrian physician, M.D. Helmud von Schmeller eventually approached a solution on how to protect oneself from them nasty creeps while [[blowjob|blowing the trumpet]].
 
 
== Revolutionary Emoticon ==
 
A very useful way of representing different types of oral sex:
 
 
White man[[mouth|:-O]][[Penis|'''<======D]]'''
 
 
Black man[[mouth|:-O]][[Penis|<============3]]
 
 
Asian man[[mouth|:-O]][[Penis|<=====3]]
 
 
Gay White man[[mouth|:-{O]][[Penis|<==========================================3]]
 
 
Gay Black man[[mouth|>:-[O]][[Penis|<------------8]]
 
 
Gay asian man [[mouth||-{O]][[Penis|<3]]
 
 
Fat Kid [[mouth|(8n(O)]][[Penis|<==3]]
 
 
Thai Hooker [[mouth|;-D]][[Penis|C==================================================================3]]
 
 
Note: the use of B rather than 3 or 8 is acceptable ( :-O<==B ).
 
 
Feel free to [[spam]] people all you like with your newfound knowledge.
 
 
==Songs about oral sex==
 
[[File:Chonga.jpg|thumb|350px|'''Ya girl be practicing in public, bro.''']]
 
The Bloodhound Gang - Kiss me where it smells funny
 
 
Blink 182 - The Blowjob Song- it would be nice to have a blowjob, it would be nice to have a blowjob from your mom
 
 
Judas Priest - Eat Me Alive
 
 
The Village People - YMCA
 
 
Glen Campbell - Rhinestone Cowboy
 
 
Metallica - The Thing That Should Not Be
 
 
Nickelback - Something In Your Mouth
 
 
Framing Hanley - Lollipop
 
   
 
==See also==
 
==See also==

Latest revision as of 12:46, May 28, 2013

Jarjarohno

The proper positioning of the mouth to pleasure men.

Contributed by Dr. Avir Ghin, PhD in Social Dynamics, PhD in Psychology, PhD in Getting PhDs, PhD in Chiral Verisimilitudinous Obdiplostemony

The term Oral Sex is derived from an anagram of Guns n Roses lead singer Axl Rose, who coined the term after an accident with a cucumber in 1982.

edit Close Examination of the Phenomenon

Blow

Not being so skilled with phones, bears have invented their own form of oral sex.

Bouncywikilogo8
For the religious among us who choose to believe lies, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article very remotely related to Oral sex.

Oral sex is a form of mutual stimulation involving the mouth and the telephone. Women have been known to engage in it with each other for long periods of time. Although the exact method and content of this stimulation has eluded scientists, it is widely acknowledged that men are incapable of sustaining the act for the duration typically required for satisfaction of a female participant. Some scientific attempts to analyze oral sex have yielded the following results.

edit Washington U Study commissioned by Department for Advancement of Understanding Womenfolk

Feminine Articles
Cleavage
Articles About Feminine Issues
Sophia-Loren

A study performed by an all-male team in March of 2003 found that one means of achieving poop snot involves describing the latest sojourn to the local shopping center. Any recent purchases of clothing are initially introduced with adjectives such as "cute", "blue", "lacy", and "CUTE". The participant on the other side of the phone is expected to respond with an interrogative inviting further oral intercourse. The primary speaker then goes on to detail the purchase, eliciting vocal ululations and sussurations as the act proceeds, e.g. "oh!", "ah!", "really?", and "where did you get that?" The postulation of a hypothetical shoppingasm has been put forth to explain the reactions of the listener.

The study was interrupted by the realization of observation by the participants, who hastily covered their respective phones and demanded privacy, before continuing to talk in more hushed tones about every detail of their lives with each other.

edit Oregon Q Study commissioned by The Union for the Reacquisition of the Household Telephone by Frustrated Husbands

This study in April 2003 by an all-male team applied experimental fractal analysis to the content of the recorded phone calls, and found that, in fact, many conversations had only 23% of their content directed at clothing acquisitions. In fact, it seems from this study that women are often able to achieve culmination of the oral act by discussing previous conversational partners or mutually admired women, e.g. "Martha told me that Susan is pregnant, AGAIN.", "Did you see what Susan's been wearing lately? That little black number? It's no wonder!", "I wish I had legs like that..." <silence> "Oh, your legs are fine, Jane!" "Aw, you're so sweet. But I wish I had your lips."

There seems to be a hidden context to the conversations, revealed by the occasional pauses, which has been described scientifically as "compliment baiting". It seems that these exchanges serve to increase the satisfaction of the experience by encouraging each partner to express their physical desire for each other.

The study was interrupted when a listening scientist dropped his pen in a spastic reaction to the explicit content of the phone call. "Did you hear that click, Jane?" "Yeah... I think I hear breathing, too." <silence> "Now it sounds like someone's holding his breath." <silence> <puff of exhaled air after 24 seconds of silence> <both participants terminate connection>

edit Hygiene

CCHG 2

Displayed: the correct precautional procedure for ensuring safe oral sex

Protecting your-puny-self from STD's, especially Cock In Mouth Disease, while performing oral sex is just as important as with other styles. Through intense studies, the famous and rebutable Austrian physician, M.D. Helmud von Schmeller eventually approached a solution on how to protect oneself from them nasty creeps while blowing the trumpet.

edit See also

RooneyRonaldo
Personal tools
projects