Optimus Prime
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Optimus Prime is the result of the accidental impregnation of a tractor by Chuck Norris who was with some girl (who didn't swallow) in the vehicle. Optimus is quite possibly one of the most awesome, ass-kicking people ever to grace the World Of Warcraft( this is before his death in 1976 when he had a siezure that was caused by an OVERUSE of illegal fireworks- compliments of Megatron( HAHAHA). He is known primarily for being leader of the Autobots, fighting against injustice and evil, personally kicking the shit out of the evil Oprah"Hey nobody disses Oprah when the cat in tha hat is in da house!" , and for being the current President of the United States"didnt I just get thru sayin that Optimus died in 1976!!(gosh cant anyone in this world hear a thing I is saying." . He was also a prominent member of the Jewish church after he figured out that despite all the transforming he did that huge nose of his wouldn't get any smaller, even though in some incarnations of him he doesn't even have a nose.
Prime is known primarily as "pimpin' on wheels" (P.O.W). Prime's father is Primus Bailerhombusus, Danseur in the Dark who kindly took him in when Chuck Norris threatened to roundhouse kick the poor little perversion of nature. Prime is also well-known for being distantly related to R2-D2, Wall-E and Bender. Not related in a detectable way, of course. He's really more of a secondary cousin of sorts. Well, not exactly. More along the lines of your Uncle Pete- he's related, but really vaguely, to the point where it's hard to determine if he actually is. Think of a Dark Helmet-Lone Star situation, and you're pretty much there.
- Dark Helmet: "Before you die there is something you should know about us, Lone Star."
- Lone Starr: "What?"
- Dark Helmet: "I am your father's brother's nephew's cousin's former roommate."
- Lone Starr: "What's that make us?"
- Dark Helmet: "Absolutely nothing! Which is what you are about to become."
(what is with the use of Spaceballs? This is OPTIMUS PRIME we are talking about here!) Optimus Prime is also the very last enemy of gay rights, the one before him being gassed out. That guy was also related to Iron Man. But again, really distantly. Look, they have to be. They're all really awesome and cool! How can they all be so ass-kicking, and yet not be related?
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[edit] Optimus Prime: Prime Time!!!/ Primo Rhymo
Optimus Prime is simply his name-of-state. His actual name has been witheld, mainly because that really doesn't matter. He is known to have absolutely PERFECT aim with his laser rifle, but this is contradicted by the fact that in the course of his career, he has utterly failed to shoot any Decepticons. Why that is is unknown.
Prime is also known for being an expert in almost all areas of martial arts, and has made this clear to multiple Decepticreeps since his acenscion to power on Cybertron.
[edit] Prime and Religion
Prime is known to have the Holy Touch, hating Satan. Prime himself is a devout follower of the Christianity, and is generally known to be a sort of Pope-like figure within the religion. Not like our Pope, though. Prime isn't some wishy-washy loser who constantly insults the Muslims. He is most commonly seen to be hanging with his best bud, God, usually having an insanely long poker match. The last one was about a million years long. It was a tie.
[edit] Stage Career
Performing under the stage name Optimus Rhyme, Optimus is one of the most cherished popular entertainers of recent years.
[edit] Broadway Performer
Optimus had a short run on Broadway, performing in a handful of plays and musicals. Optimus was awarded a Tony Award for his performance in a production of Lost in Yonkers. A number of musical historians have theorized that it was Optimus' Broadway work in musicals that sparked his interest in music and later led to his rock career.
Optimus Prime plans return to the Broadway stage, and has expressed interest in taking a leading role in a show of repute. Unnamed sources have told us that talks between him and Eric Idle have already begun, and that the possibility of Prime taking the spotlight of King Arthur in Spamalot is not out of the question. Not only has he preformed on broadway, but he will join captain crunch in a fruitless attempt to kill inspectar gadget, all the decepticons, and many more enemies in the movie "Cereal People The Movie". coming soon to newgrounds.com
[edit] Urban Poet
Optimus shot to fame in the early 1980s as a rock superstar and street-poet. His skills as a wordsmith are only balanced by his amazing ability to mix and produce soul rhymes. At times his use of a Bontempi organ for backing music can act as a distracting influence to the rhymes. Lyrical gems such as "VEHICLE BACKING UP...STEP THE F$CK BACK BI*&H" have been criticized as the sped up bossanova backbeat detracts from the lyrical flow at times.
The subjects in Optimus' work range far and wide; one moment he might be drawing attention to the plight of a seabird trapped in an underwater cave and the next he will be talking about the size of his fuel tanks. It is the eternal dichotomy of his music, one never knows what is coming next, even though it's really, really obvious from seeing the track titles; "Pimp My Galaga" is an excellent example. He is also is the one who wrote "California Love" though he is uncredited after a long legal bout with Tupac.
When Prime heard about the 2007 Transformers movie, he announced that he would be working on a new record to tie-in with the movies release. Although unaffiliated with Paramount Films, he was under new contact with Dr Dre to produce a fusion album of Rock, Jazz and Alternative beats. His A-Track is none other than Wheeljack and its lyrics "Ill Break yo Fuckin Neck! Whiplash!" slowly followed by a melodic segue of orchestral strings sampled from Moby.
Primes Album Optimus B Flat is on sale from June 27, 2007 in greater Europe, and Lesser America.
[edit] Fashion Guru
Optimus was one of the two high profile rock stars who founded Sultans of Bling, a high concept, high price boutique for urban fashion. Seeded with money from his award winning albums "SoB", as it is affectionately known, has almost entirely taken over the market for ridiculous oversized clothing. It's main competitor F.E.D.B.E.D. (For Evil Decepticons, By Evil Decepticons) has resorted to a number of unethical practices in order to retain their market share.
Recently floated on the Stock Exchange, SoB is rated as up a third against the badger on the NASDAQ and is seen as a strong investment opportunity by Fruity-Bun-McWhirter Investimentation Group Ltd.
SoB pioneered the use of automated staff and has begun selling these to other companies. This side-venture of the company has not only paid for the development costs, but also earns a tidy profit. Salesregisterbots, Fititrons and Uselessteenagegirlicons are all popular models used in SoB retailers and many other popular buitiques. SoB also manufactures security mechanoids such as the Storedetectibot. Recent insiders report that SoB will soon be introducing the three-in-one Salesfitigirlicon to the market. The Salesfitigirlicon's place alongside such devices as the sandwich toaster, vibrator and spork is assured in the museum for really useful stuff.
[edit] Musical And Cultural Influence
Over the years Optimus has broken several musical records, mostly due to them being fairly fragile - his CDs have been extremely popular as well.
- "Optimus Rhyme" - his eponymous first album - 1,500,048 copies sold.
- "Mean Mother-Trucker" - hard edged and raucous, this album is the most popular, showing Optimus in his prime - 6,000,000,001 copies sold.
- "Exhausted" - experimental rock/hip-hop mix - 1013 copies sold - mostly to Radiohead fans.
- "Keep on Trucking" - back into the groove for his last album, Optimus dedicated this artistic masterpiece to all those lonely truckers, cruising the country in search of hand jobs and hitchhikers to dismember.(and yet he could not even pay the rent. :} )
Optimus has also worked with several other artists - particularly popular was his jazz track with the Less Than Jake Brakes and Daft Punk's Hit Parade "Streetcar After All".
[edit] Military Career
Feeling an intense sense of patriotism, Optimus Prime joined the Autobot reserves on his 18th birthday. Optimus was diligent and well liked, quickly becoming a high ranking officer in the reserves. He then dropped out and joined Her Majesty's Royal British Grenadier Corp, in America.
Many thought highly of his services to our country and thus have began naming themselves after him. SPC Optimus Prime
[edit] Cybertronian War
When war broke out, Optimus saw fit to enlist and transfer from the reserves to active Autobot duty. It was the Cybertronian War that molded Optimus Prime into the fearless leader that we all know and love.
[edit] GI Joe-Transformers War
After the first arc of the Cybertronian War ended, The GI Joe-Transformers War began. Prime had made the acquaintance of several top GI Joe commanders through games of stickball and foosball. It seems as though his sidebar antics had finally paid off. With the forces of Cobra siding with the Decepticons, the Joe team scrambled to get the Autobots up to speed on the recent power move. It was Prime's brave motions to unite the teams of Joe and Cybertron that helped the 2 sides totally own Cobra ass. And I do mean that in more ways then one.
[edit] Post-war service
With the conclusion of the GI Joe-Transformers War, The Autobots and Joes remained close allies averting numerous threats that would threaten the threatless world of...well...they made things safe. As George W. Bush would later say, "They allowed the world to de-threaten...y'know, that means to trust someone again after getting tricked. We have that saying in Alaska, er I think it's in Alaska, it probably is, well it's in Texas that's for sure."
[edit] Great Pirate-Ninja Conflict
Optimus Prime, at this time known as God was the Master General in the Ninja Army, leading his ninjas to victory after victory. Even though it is known that ninjas could've done it themselves, it looks cooler to have a truck leading your army. He is best known for leading 4 of the crappiest ninjas to defeat 1,000,000,000,000,000,000 Pirates. Unfortunately, two days later Captain Jack Sparrow, accompanied by Long John Silver and Davy Jones, massacred more than 3 ninjas in a swift retaliatory strike. One moment later, Optimus grabbed Captain Jack, trying to strike him down but Captain Jack Sparrow grabbed a random rope and was flung to safety (actually a trash compactor) while shooting Prime's eye. He did shoot the crap out of Long John Silver however, then stepped on Davy Jones. Micky Dolenz, Mike Nesmith, and Peter Tork were spared.
[edit] Disney Conflict
Shortly after he met Shia LeBeaouf, Disney was very disturbed that Shia had found a new best friend and better career. Disney's mad scientists devised a growth potion which could make anyone grow eight sizes too big. This was given to Sharpay and Ryan Evans, Troy Bolton, Taylor McKenssie, Chad Danforth, and Gabriella Montez. Their objective was to destroy the Earth with their horrid singing and putrid acting. Optimus drove to East High where the six had already grown up eight sizes and were singing and destroying everything. In true fashion, Optimus springed into the sky and blasted everyone but Troy. According to reports, Ryan was the first to go, then Chad, Taylor, Sharpay and finally Gabriella. Troy got the first punch in on Optimus, and then began to sing 'Bet On It'. As Optimus fell, seemingly defeated, his chest opened and the Autobot Matrix of Leadership shown it's light as "The Touch" began to play. At that moment, Troy knew he was instantly fucked and the next thing he saw was Optimus' fist crashing into his head. He then picked Troy up and threw him into the great beyond, killing him. Prime then opened the Matrix, causing "The Touch" to play louder and the light instantly destroyed East High School. Optimus was given a medal by many countries for ridding the world of this filth.
[edit] Civic Career
Outside of his work as a brilliant military leader and musical mega-star, Optimus has worked hard to serve the community in official and unofficial capacities.
[edit] In the Beast Wars
Shot in the head by Megatron II, his Matrix stolen, and completely unconcious, Prime attempted to sue the Maximals for multiple damages afterwards. Sadly, he lost.
[edit] Charitable Work
Optimus has raised nearly $5 brazillian over the years. Whilst most of the money has been donated towards giant space lasers to prevent the encroachment of U.N.I.C.R.O.N. (United Nasty International CRime OrganisatioN) he has also been generous to a number of lesser causes, including:
- Group for the Oppression of Not Nice Asshats (G.O.N.N.A.)
- Society for the Prevention of Urban Racist Tensions (S.P.U.R.T.)
- Optimus Nature (O.N.)
- Youth Organization for Understanding Racism (Y.O.U.R.)
- Autobots for Replenishment of the Social Environment (A.R.S.E.)
There is some suspicion that Optimus has used his charitable works as a way to meet impressionable young lorries and vans for his own nefarious purposes. Evidence of this is currently limited but indications are that fucking morons are behind the scandalous and baseless rumors..
For a time, Optimus was put in charge of the Directory of All Knowledge. During this time, the Directory expanded substantially under the influence of Optimus' wisdom. Under rather curious circumstances, the Directory was lost and although it's existence is still certain, it's current whereabouts are not.
[edit] Sports
Optimus Prime is the only Go player to ever achieve a 10dan ranking. Optimus has said that before meeting Elita-1, Go was his greatest love. Optimus is considered the finest Go player the world has ever seen, having beaten his greatest rival, Megatron, on 9 out of 7 occasions. With the birth of his first child, Optimus retired from professional Go, leaving his title as the "Bearer of the Autobot Matrix of Leadership" to his pupil Hot Rod; Hot Rod subsequently changed his name to Rodimus Prime as a sign of respect for his mentor. Hearing of the retirement of Optimus Prime, Megatron also left professional Go to his mentee Galvatron. Galvatron further trained under Unicron and was considered the world's best Go player for three years until soundly defeated by Rodimus Prime in the Cybertronian Cup competition of 2005. Note that his game playing skills do not make him a Go-bot.
[edit] Electoral Candidate
For many years Optimus maintained dreams of a well known politician, but due to America's extremely odd prejudice against robots running for office, he was unable to successfully begin a presidential campaign. However, fate smiled upon Optimus, however, in the year of 3044, when people with brains actually got seats in the U.S. government (who woulda thought it?), and promptly abolished the No Robots in Power Act.
During the presidential elections of 3045, Optimus was charged with running slanderous campaign adds, some of which were:
- Say NO to Hitler or Bull-shit(what?), Vote for Optimus Prime
- Are You Man Enough To Vote OPTIMUS PRIME?
- I AM OPTIMUS PRIME! I will lead us to victory and unity with peace and a strong arm.
- Give me your votes, or taste my laserfire!
- Give me your taxes or Give me your face!!
- My fellow Americans! Transform and roll out!
Many students voted for Optimus, fortunately, he narrowly canidate Oscar Wilde by only 400 votes. Wilde grudgingly accepted defeat, then went on a 2-year tour of the country, advocating his newest music album.
[edit] Loving Husband and Father
In 1973, after having opened for a performance of Flock of Seagulls, Optimus reacquainted himself with high school sweetheart and bassist Elita-1. At the time, Elita-1 was being hotly pursued by Flock of Seagulls drummer Dave Grohl. But through his longtime friendship with Flock of Seagulls keyboardist DinoJesus and his intense manliness, Optimus was easily able to overwhelm Dave Grohl and won Elita-1's heart. Optimus and Elita-1 were married just one year later.
Even in the midst of battle against overwhelming odds, Optimus has always found time for his children, the Sprogboticons. He and Elita-1 have five children: Joeybot(who has a hit tv show, Pals), Dannycon, Rogertron, Bettycon and Norman. There is some suspicion regarding Norman as he seems to be mostly human, whether this is related to an affair or possibly a dogging incident is not known. Optimus and Elita-1 refuse to discuss the matter of Norman with the press.
[edit] Death
Throughout his career in various syndicated reality shows, Optimus has shown a habit of dying dramatically. Conveniently, there always seems to be a way to resurrect him in the knick of time to save the plot... err... day. When confronted about this, Optimus has vehemently denied all claims of showboating or mirror tricks, even despite his recently revealed ties to Sigfried, Roy, and Jesus. Prime died for the 6th time in 2009, but came back to life a day later.
[edit] Failures at Life
Flat-out fucking none.(that is if you dont include his death in 1976!)
[edit] See Also
