Oompa Loompa

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The lead singer of the Oompa Loompas, who wasn't shot and so isn't famous.

A progressive folk/Jazz/R'n'B fusion band, dedicated to writing songs about fat Germans dying in chocolate rivers, Oompa Loompas are small, dangerous little buggers. The C.I.A are currently tracking down the 2000 oompa-loompas (including Callum) still remaining alive in the world who get around in society disguising themselves as the common house midget (pontius-midgutus). The C.I.A are also investigating where they originally came from, and have found out that they actually do not originate from oompa-loompa land, but indeed from North-Korea. They are know to carry weaponry of mass proportions, such as AK-47, M-16, Machettes, Crossbows and nuclear weaponry provided by their motherland, North-Korea. The have a more orange complection then most average people so they cover it with make-up, i strongly urge to check every midget you see put pulling their cheeks and slapping them so to check whether they're wearing make-up. If they are, you can be almost certain that they are an incredibly dangerous, oompa-loompa.

edit Origins

According the movie Willy Wanka, the Oompa-loompas oringinated in Oompa-loompa land. However, this is not true.... Their roots have been traced back to kim jong-il's great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great grandparents who where related to a great behemoth named Renfery. His great x13 grandmother's name was Ping Pong Long Dong Fuk Yu Bich Wang Chung Shao Kahn Ellen Chown Jong-Il and his great x13 grandfathers name was Bill... they have been secretly conecting with north-korea all their lives. WIlly Wanka also lied about another thing, he said that he keeps the Oompa-loompas strictly for helping him make his delicious chocolate, but here is the interesting part. Willy Wanka was arrested for trying to pass 40 kilos of cocaine through JFK International Airport. The report filed list that Mr. Wanka, AKA Trick Daddy Coco, had with him 20 Oompa-loompas, each with 2-3 Kilos of that sweet sweet noise candy packed in ballons, up their asses. Stranger still, they were ballon animals. In the shape of a walrus. For their crimes Mr. Wanka and the 20 Oompa-Loompas were sentenced to death. Willy wonka denies all charges, but just recently failed a lie ditector test and will face a jury over the matter. As one of the last acts of his administration fromer President George W. Bush offically sign into law a bill making Oompa-loompas a hunting game. Oompa-loompa season is September 24 and november 7 in Ohio,New York, Virginian, Texas, and that one that looks like a deformed tit. This is perfect for young and new hunters, as they now have something they can shoot that is slow and relatively less dangers than a turkey.(P.S. Ompa-lompas love salt lick and you can now purchase ompa-lompa call whistles from your trusted hunting retailer).

Here we go... Oompa Loompa Doompa Dee Doo...

OOmmpa Loompa will not shake your hand OOOMMPPPAA OOOMMMPAAAAAAA!!! ""Oommpa Loompa sees sticky tissues in your can

edit History

Originating in the terrible country of Loompaland, they left to work in Message Parlors in Louisiana before being signed to a new record label by mysterious philanthropist Willy Wonka. During a break from luring small children with candy and the chance to see his 'huge factory'. Their career met with much applause, descirbed by one Sir Winston Churchill as, "I'm not drunk, I beat Hitler, fag." Their debut album ('I Have a Perfect Puzzle for You', Virgin Records, 1906) met with widespread critical acclaim.

Unfortunately, the recording deal turned sour after their second album ('If You Are Wise You'll Listen To ME!', Virgin Records, 22nd Oct. 4004 BC) and was widely panned by critics and the public. An fiscal disrought and (probably) high off his ass Wanka then forced the Oompa-Loompas in working punishing hours in his chocolate factory to re-earn all the money they'd blown. (punishing, chocolate factory, blown...sounds like a gay porn plot)They remain hidden from public sight to this day.

After their musical carrer ended they fell into a deep depression, and soon turned to the unforgivable act of have plastic surgery in a similar style to Michael Jackson. Soon after that Michael Jackson invited him around to his house... all 2 million... Some sources have stated that Micheal Jackson had order an extremely large bed into his manor that afternoon and large amount of wine... The oompa loomps exited MJ's house later that week looking extremely depressed, hung-over, and "Walking kinda funny". They then said that they would all commit mass suicide. Had it not been for the pleas of Willy Wonka that stopped them. Mr. Wank then procedded to feed them large amounts of an unknown drugs (Willy Wonka later claimed they were "nerds" but scientist found that nerds are acually Oompa Loompa shit and Willy Wonka probably fed them a rare mixture of yak piss, semen, and ditch water. a bud light. The Oompa Loompas promptly feel asleep for sixteen hours and are secretly meant to be the main ingredient in his chocolate. On an extreme high caused by the "drugs" the Oompa Looompa's were forced to work in chinese-sweat-shop conditions. (When questioned later Willy Wonka clamied that the Oompa Loompas "prefered" to work and eat their ham and cheese hotpockets cold and in those conditions.)

We do not know what has happened to Oompa Loompa's but occasionally when the ghost of Micheal Jackson is tried of floating outside childrens' windows sources say that you can see him still hovering out side of the windows of the Wanka Chocolate Factory. Beating it.

"get me the fuck out of here!" is a common saying amongst the Oompa Loompa. As they only get paid in hotpockets and crystal pepsi and due their short nature and often sore anuses their chances of escape and therefore, the general public seeing on in the wild are slim. Some say that they enjoy the works of one Tom Clancy, and will enact may of his works in local theatre.

In the latest update there has been a riot at the factory and the supposed cause is that the Oompa Loompas have found out Mr. Wanka does in fact, not have a lost puppy.

edit Etymology

The band's name is from the original Loompaland dialect and was hence written in caterpillar paste in the original. It can be written in English as Umpa Lumpa, Oompa Lumpa, Umpa Loompa or Oompa Loompa, the last being the official preference. The name derives from "Oompa" meaning "huge" and "Loompa" meaning "wang", and is an ancient Loompaland term of respect for an elder.

edit Trial

Shocking Details Reveal How Diminutive Orange Laborers Put the "Imp" In "Impropriety"

Reprinted with permission of its author, Scott Roeben of http://www.dribbleglass.com.

Authorities have stunned the world with lurid reports of a sweeping investigation into a sex scandal involving employees of renowned candy manufacturer Willy Wonka.

An 18-month investigation has resulted in numerous arrests, including the indictments of dozens of Oompa Loompas, the diminutive workers at the factory made famous in a well-known documentary film entitled, Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory.

There have been sordid and almost unbelievable reports of a wide range of offenses, including pornographic films featuring Oompa Loompas, all-night orgies at the Wonka factory and other incidents of lewd behavior—at least one involving a taffy-pulling machine and what investigators are calling "inappropriate relations with a golden goose."

"Those Oompa Loompas are anything but cute and cuddly," said Lt. Irving Lügner, lead investigator. "You don’t even want to know what those little perverts have done in that chocolate river."

Officials have released a number of incriminating photos, allegedly featuring Oompa Loompas in compromising positions in various locations throughout the Wonka factory.

"Let’s say this entire affair took many of us by surprise," said one local official, who wished to remain anonymous. "These aren’t the people you would expect to be involved in a sex scandal, like evangelists or professional athletes. No, some people held these Loompas in very high regard. Especially the kids."

Also under investigation is the notoriously reclusive head of the Wonka organization, Willy Wonka. The enigmatic Wonka, and his legal representatives, not surprisingly, have refused to comment on the investigation.

"That Wanka guy—we should have known," said one detective close to the investigation. "The signs were all there. I’ve been working vice for twenty years, and let’s just say you don’t often find a guy with a purple coat and comb-over who isn’t the head of a sex ring. The man’s name is Willy for crying out loud."

Now that the scandal has broken, many citizens are echoing that sentiment, vocally criticizing law enforcement authorities for actions many feel are too little too late. Shouldn’t someone have known?

Some cite the fact that the aforementioned documentary, Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory, contained any number of "red flags" which should have tipped officials off to the carnal depravity alleged to have thrived within the walls of the secretive Wonka factory.

The documentary follows a young boy, Charlie Bucket, as he participates in a highly suspect "lottery" to gain access to the Wonka factory. Other children are also lured to the Wonka factory by promises of sweets. Once inside, children begin to disappear almost immediately. Their disappearances are never adequately explained, and ironically, the Oompa Loompas now at the center of all the controversy have the audacity to sing after each child disappears. If it did not exist on film, it would almost be too shocking to believe.

Critics charge that signs of impropriety at the Wonka factory—many alluding to sexual acts and substance abuse—are littered throughout the gritty documentary. Detractors set forth the following lines, gleaned from a transcript of the film, as being particularly incriminating:

Bill (candy store owner): "Hey, take it easy. You'll get a stomachache if you swallow it like that."

Mr. Turkentine (Charlie’s teacher): "Come and give me a hand."

Grandma Josephine: "I did the end pieces with the little tassels."

Charlie: "Here, everybody have a bite."

Willy Wonka: "I'm so glad you could come."

Mr. Salt: "Is this a trick or something, Wonka?"

Willy Wonka: "What an adorable little boy you have."

Willy Wonka: "And as soon as your outer vestments are in hand, we'll begin."

Mrs. Teevee: "Somebody's touching me."

It's hot and creamy. I can actually feel it running down my throat!

Violet Beauregarde

Charlie: "Quick, Augustus, grab this!"

Grandpa Joe: "Oh, looks good enough to eat."

Wonka: "Suck 'em and you can spit in seven different colors."

Mr. Salt: "Nuts."

Mr. Salt: "Hang on, darling! Just close your eyes and hang on tight!"

Mr. Salt: "Shouldn't you be wearing rubber gloves?"

Wonka: "You can suck 'em and suck 'em and suck 'em, and they'll never get any smaller."

Grandpa Joe: "We're really high now!"

Violet Beauregarde: "It's hot and creamy. I can actually feel it running down my throat!"

Wonka: "Oh, well, I'll get it right in the end."

Veruca Salt: "I want a ball."

Veruca Salt: "Give it to me."

Well, fortunately small boys are springy and elastic.

Willy Wonka

Mr. Salt: "Hold on! Veruca, sweetheart, Daddy's coming!"

Mike: "It's getting in my eye!"

Mrs. Teevee: "I'm soaked—it'll never come out!"

Charlie: "Let's do it again, Mr. Wonka."

Mrs. Teevee: "Oh, my dress, my hair, my face! I'm sending you the cleaning bill, Mr. Wonka!"

Wonka: "Here it comes. There it is. Take it."

Wonka: "Taste it—it's delicious. It's just gotten smaller, that's all."

Mrs. Teevee: "Mike, get away from that thing!"

Wonka: "Well, fortunately small boys are extremely springy and elastic."

Outraged parents and "little people" advocacy groups claim those seemingly innocuous lines were a clear indication that Wonka’s "world of pure imagination" was not so pure after all.

Even in the heat of public criticism, authorities continue their investigation.

"We’re shocked by the level of depravity we’ve unearthed," said Lt. Lügner. "A candy factory was the perfect cover. Let me just say that those folks at Hershey had better make sure their house is in order. Same goes for those M&M people. Listen, that’s just one letter away from S&M, and there’s no way this kind of thing is going to happen again. Not on my watch."

Self Explanatory.

edit Band Members

Possibly over 2,000,000. No one is quite sure because they all look exactly the same. This gives rise to a problem with respect to individual names. A few of the more notable Oompa Loompas include:

• Ceacil the Spry Wonderfrog
• Zombie Oompa Loompa (currently undead)
• Mini-Me
• Ryan Seacrest

^This is the cover to their debut album, War on Terror, with Barney^

edit Appearance

The Ommpa Loompas are a strange bunch for looks including the infamous man bra with pom poms attatched to them. when they originally burst on to the scene, they were all 6ft black man with handle bar moustaches. However, when the second album came out, they had changed into 3ft orange men with green hair. Nobody truly knows how or why things changed, but some conspire that they had an unfortunate experimentations with plastic surgery or wizards. Mostly wizards.

edit Features

Species: Ompa-lompa Habbitat: Bustling citys, large towns and anywhere where theres no snozzle-goozlers Food Chain: Predator - The ompa-lompas are hunted by many, such as humans, snoggle-gozzlers, beanie-bangers, wig-waglers, fox in sox and sam I am. Prey - McDonalds Big Macs and Human sox at dry cleaners Abillities: Good at cock fighting and pussy fighting, can skateboard well and cook a mean green eggs and ham. Friends: Kim Jong-Il, Willy Wonka, North Korea, Fidel Castro and barney the dinosaur. Foes: Hillbillies, Fox in Sox, sam I am (and his mum), John Howard and the whole city of Hobart, Australia.

edit Discography

• 'War on terror'
• 'I Have a Perfect Puzzle for You', Virgin Records, 1906 AD
• 'If You Are Wise You'll Listen To ME!', Virgin Records, 22nd Oct. 4004 BC
• 'Cop Killaz', Death Row Records, 1992 AD
• 'Toe Fungus: The Greatest Hits', Pen Island Records, 2007 AD

edit Accomplishments

Oompa-loompas are not know really for doing anything special, except for inventing the "you atacluly can raed tihs" puzzle.... not something to really be proud of. But there is one other thing that they are remembered for. Cockfighting. The OLCFAA (Ompa-lompa Cock Fighting Ascosiation of America) is world famous now. Fatty McChook is a world renouned super star in the sport, with his trainer the world famous coach, Urkel (yes, he is a Oompa-loompa too). Together they have traveled the globe fighting every cock that challenges them. Usually ending in tears for the owner of the cock who challenges them. The Oompa-loompas are saying they will soon revolutionize cockfighting with a new species and make the OLPFAA (Oompa-Loompa Pussy Fighting Ascosiation of America) in which they battle the common house cats againt each other. In the future they hope to also make a OLCPFAA (Oompa-Loompa Cock and Pussy fighting Ascociation of America).

edit Conspiracy theory

There are those that theorize that Oompa loompas are in fact children from previous tours of the factory that were turned into hideous mutants because of a freak fudge accident and Mr. Wanka's extra demand for workers.