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The world of online dating opens up a vast network of desperate fellow nerds seeking to mate, many of them with standards as low as yours, but it is a world fraught with dangers. The electronic curtain between you and your potential life partner must be parted and if it reveals the latest secret genetic experimentation by Dr Evil then you have only yourself to blame.
Humans are predictable creatures and thus there are statistically accurate interpretations to the things your online potential partner will say in order to seduce you(that's right, they may well be seducing you, and thus the hunter becomes the hunted and the cycle of life becomes a deathspiral of shattered dreams, until you wind up sucking the discarded fat from used hamburger wrappers within the urine-stained cardboard walls of the hovel in which you make your new home, dreaming of the past-moments that could have solved your life's problems, if you'd only researched online dating properly at some kind of encyclopedia-like website).
Woman seeks Man
- Weight: Average means Weight: Obese – "Sometimes bad lighting, or clothing, or camera angles, can make me seem over-weight." (Eats hamburger)
- Weight: Heavy means Juggernaut of Doom – "I require greasing to exit vehicles."
- Loving means Needy - " Don’t get in my space. Why haven’t you called? I want to be alone. Why don’t you pay any attention to me? It’s okay, I’m fine…not…god, why don’t you listen to what I’m *really* saying."
- Spiritual means Freak. - "My...angel...fairies told me that you need...carrots. Hahaha. Your aura is like sparkles in springtime."
- Independent means she expects you not to complain when she dances with six other guys per nightclub.
- "Mr Nice Guy" means "I’m lying either to myself, or to you. I plan on leaving my next partner for my two-timing ex-boyfriend, because he said he’s stopped drinking so much and won't hit the kids anymore."
- "I prefer younger men" means "I want to suck the vigor of youth from your young body until you are an empty husk. BWAHAHA."
- "I want HOT sex, with YOU." means "I am a man impersonating a woman. I hope you won’t mind when you find the extra sausage for dinner."
- "I don’t expect you to be perfect and neither am I." means "Please excuse my hairy eyeballs."
- "Seeking same." means "I am too stupid to see my significant flaws, and I expect blind worship as you bathe in my splendor."
- "You only live once! Be happy." means "I can't hold down a job, so I'll expect you to earn enough for both of us while I increase my shoe collection."
- "Tehe. My mum doesn’t let me stay up that late. Lolz. Hopefully the buses will be able to get me there." means "I am an FBI agent, and I will beat you until you bleed from every orifice, you sick pervert. EVERY orifice."
- Picture Absent means Freak of Nature (or your'e momma)
- Picture Present means Add 5-10 years and/or 10-15 kilograms.
- Picture HOT means You should try to find the internet model site it was stolen from.
Man seeks Woman
- Stocky means Gigantous - "Is that an eclipse?"
- Muscular means Wanker - Get used to the phrase: "Get my dinner, biatch."
- Adventurous means "Sex with me requires role-play. One of us will be the koala."
- Down to Earth means "I drink six beers a night on a slow day and either have a mullet or a tattoo of an arrow pointing down at the organ I think with."
- "Just your average guy" means "I'm boring AND stupid."
- "I like dinners and dancing and long romantic walks." means "I’m gay and in denial. I will think about your brother while we have sex and then start crying, but won’t explain why."
- "I will sing you love songs and be there when you are down." means "I’m gay and I know it. I will pay for anonymous sex while you look after the kids and drink away your dreams."
- "I believe in the motto - work hard, play hard." means "I hope you don’t mind my drug habit. I may need to borrow some cash."
- "I collect comics and transformer action figures." means Refer to 'Stocky,' above.
- Friendship/Group Sex means More the latter than the former.
- "No fatties please" means "I am fat and I hate myself and the world."
- "Looking for that special someone." means "I’m so desperate to get into your pants I'd fake a death in the family. Hell, I'd club baby seals just for a hand job."
- "NON-shallow woman, PLEASE! Is that so much to ask???" means 'Stocky,' see above.
- "I’m not good at talking about myself, haha." means "I can’t think of any qualities that make me special. Oh god, Jesus, why am I so freaking useless."
- "i am a easy going laid back bloke. GO (Insert local football team)" means "My life is beer and tv. I will beat you every time you get between me and either one."
- "I’m still recovering from my last relationship. Be gentle ladies." means "I’m divorced, with 2+ kids and need a replacement wife."
- "Hi. Jus nOrmal guy. :-p" means Retarded(OR I speak English as my third language) – Good luck making small talk.
- Picture Absent means Refer to 'Stocky' above.
- Picture Present means The strange coloring is from photoshop.
- Picture HOT means Think harder. Isn't it suspicious that Elijah Wood has an internet love profile.
Man seeks Man or Woman seeks Woman
- "Let’s go somewhere and have so much sex we can’t walk for days. Dibs on first strap-on." means Exactly what it says.
Man seeks ?
- "Let's dress up as sheep and grovel in manure." means Urgh.
Online Dating Strategies
There are a wide variety of successful strategies to bringing down the online meat. If you suspect you are being 'played' by a fellow 'playa,'who is 'playing' the online 'play-field,' use this innocuous code phrase to check out the situation: "Satan tells me to collect my bodily waste." The correct 'playa' response will be for them to block all further communication, now that they realize they are dealing with a fellow 'play-master.'
- Start by scanning a LOT of profiles - 1000 starting candidates.
- Reject 80% as incompatible.(Those too ugly, or too attractive) - 200 remaining candidates.
- Send a standard message to each profile. 80% will reject you - 40 remaining candidates.
- Chat online with these dregs, and try to gain their trust. 50% of these will let slip how Bat Fuck Insane they are(or you to them). 20 remaining candidates.
- Meet the remainders in person. Further advice is outside the scope of online dating, but how can you go wrong with 20 people, right? Right?
Do NOT take no for an answer.
- Start by picking your 'mark' - the person who you will spend the rest of your life with, one way or another.
- Make various dummy profiles and chat to the mark with each, using stolen pictures and profile text. Take detailed notes of the mark's likes and dislikes. Be careful not to reveal your devotion. Kill off any fake profile if they look like they are being liked too much.
- Now that your information gathering is complete, make you 'halo' profile - the perfect incarnation of your mark's desires. They will fall madly in love with you online, and will be prepared to overlook your numerous flaws when they finally meet you in person.
- Go on that first date, and very importantly don't...Outside of article scope
Threatening Video Approach
Play hard to get hard and make them want to get you more.
- Have your buddies do a terrorist attack.
- Make sure she knows you planned it.
- Hide out in a cave and continue to post dating videos until you get what you want.
Each princess has their matching prince charming - this approach will enable the two of you to meet.
- Put your picture on your profile, despite how many offerings of people wanting to pay you for sex it is likely to cause.
- To enable you to get through the mountain of desperate pleas to meet you, instantly junk any message that isn't coupled with a fantastical picture of divine beauty.
- Now that you have culled the herd down to the prime females or alpha males, you must test their personalities. How far will they go to have sex with you? Tell each that you have some kind of genital disease.
- Your true love will not be put off, no matter how many diseases you tell him/her you have, or they have now caught. And, like the fairy tale, you will live happily ever after making perfect new princes or princesses, for others to worship.
Use this information carefully and don't break too many hearts. If you were hoping for a more in-depth look at the various fetishizationings that are happening online, then go check the rest of the Internet.