Onion

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For the wise-ass Spanish-language rarely-hyphenated mega-tabloid, see La-Cebolla

“My Onion was glass. Ha! In your face Paul!”
“Ah Those onions, Those orgy's of theirs, so beautiful to watch.”
~ Oscar Wilde on Orgy

Onions (plural 'onion') - allieum weepa: A pungent and curvy sweet white pulp-orbital commonly found in orchards and in vineyards. Used mainly as a cosmetic or for food preparation; and sometimes a weapon by those of the Yalla Marca tribes in Southern Italy and in Eastern Siberia. Onions are the only plants without seeds and therefore are equipped with another form of reproduction to ensure the survival of the species- namely the ability to mate with other onions on contact. Onions where first used by famous outdoor catering pioneer Mike Christ, brother of TV's Jesus H Christ. He claims to have invented them accidentally while searching for a cure for The Gout.

Onion Life and Reproduction

Onions come in two types; tree and vine. The Tree Onions and the Vine Onions both have similar birth and mating rituals. The only major differences being their habitat and use by humans; Tree Onions dwell mainly in the lower fronds of weeping willows and are used for cosmetic purposes, Vine Onions are found in the wilds of gnome clearings or grown in vineyards for edible and alcoholic reasons.

Birth

Onions are always born in threes, but sometimes in Brandon Vickers, held slightly separate from each other by the branch or vine upon which they are born. However as the branch or vine begins to sag due to age, bringing the onions closer, the third onion always suffers a lamentable fate as the other two onions rise up and attack it. The pitiable creature is severed from the branch and drops to its death several hundred feet below ground. From then on, the third onion is always referred to as an Anion and all mention of it is banned from all polite conversations. Chemistry and electrolysis are both equally taboo subjects, as is the mention of fluffy pink handcuffs.

Mating

HotOnionOnOnionAction

Hot Onion on Onion action

The two remaining onions are thus paired for life. Reproduction occurs through simply coming into contact with the other onion, which is why a basketful of the vegetables is sometimes called 'an orgy of onions'. It has been scientifically proven that onions are also the only plant able to experience pleasure in mating, so walking through an orchard or vineyard of onion plants can sometimes be a highly sensual or even erotic experience as you pass by rows and rows of onion pairs just touching each other. Understandably enough, those who harvest onions are said to be more virile than the harvesters of other vegetables.

*GNARF*-- BEWARE-- BE VERY AWARE -- BEST WISHES, THE CHIEF COMMANDER OF THE ONION ARMY


Death

onion are super hot with there g-string, i like licking pussy with onions in my mouth, aud sometimes you can choke and die because of that. This is why you should suck vagina with onions in your mouth

Suicide

my girlfriend suck my cock with 2 onions in her mouth!

The Uses of Onions

Cosmetics

i got a motherfucker big pink penis!

Food Production

No low fat onion

This onion is NOT low fat

Onions are sometimes used in food production, preparation and presentation. The most common use is of course as a napkin ring, where the onion rings are deep-fried in batter and wrapped around a napkin in order to leave that utterly chic grease stain around one's napkin. Other uses include as toothpick holders, as flavour-enhancers for gum, as a modern form of appetiser (wrapped around a pickle and skewered with a sliver of bacon) and even as a hair accessory to wear only at the dining table. The actual edibility of the onion is debatable and the eating of it is only when strictly necessary, and never when in polite company. It just Isn't Done.

i like that

Other Uses

The Onion in Culture

The Onion News

A show on Comedy Central and a website (completely trustworthy and honest site) that we Uncyclopedians rule over as their supreme leaders. Also onions can be used in insults such as "This just in, your breath smells like sh*t." Onions were slaughtered in early prehistoric times to make the New York Times from their skin, that's why it's called the onion news.

People

Some people believe that Justin Bieber and Grayson Chance may be Mutantonions

Plays

Badthing

If you won't join the fight to stop onion's romance, I can arrange this for you.

Several plays have been written about the romance, the tragedy and the separation of Onions. Most of them, however, have had humans substituted for the onion protagonists, for fear that mankind would misinterpret the fiery passion the onion pairs have for each other, just because onions are falsely said by humans to be non-sentient. Such a one is 'Romeo and Juliet', in which two lovers are separated by their feuding families and die tragically. The real play was of two Vine Anions from different vines who somehow came into glorious, blissful contact, spending hours together in reproductive ecstasy. However since they were Anions, the onion pairs from both vines objected and severed both from their height. Both fell to their deaths, crying defiantly that love would last beyond fertiliser, beyond compost and beyond the dangerous bounds of the harvester's basket. It was a scandalous play indeed, and suffered much in its translation into human terms, losing much of the beauty along the way.

Language

Onion is in popular culture used to signify an object, usually in a negative context. Phrases such as "Bring me the head of that onion," or "Die, you onion!" are common examples of its usage. Also in prison slang an "onion" signifies a person willing to engage in sexual intercourse with the guard dogs. A clueless politician "knows his onions" but in reality he thinks an onion is a type of garlic sausage.

Literature

There are many lovely novels and several free-verse poems on the Joy of Onion. There is 'The Onions of Wrath', for instance, by John Steinbeck; 'Brave New Onion', a futuristic tale of the onion in a permissive and totally consumeristic society; 'Onion Farm' by George Orwell; 'The Love Song of J. Allium Prufrock', a beautiful poem by T.S. Eliot; and 'The Happy Anion' in which the Happy Anion's finery is slowly peeled apart, piece by piece, by his friend the Worker Ant, to be given to poor people without sufficient funding for cosmetic treatment.

Music

The amount of musicals and songs written are stupendous. The amount of musicals and songs written about the onion are less stupendous, for it is here, in the realm of music, that the onion is not so adored. Composers complain that the only word they can make onion rhyme with is 'bunion', and they state that both are terribly unromantic words. "The word 'onion' is just not evocative of romance and beauty," one famous composer is said to have said. It is plain, however, that this composer knows nothing and is truthfully talentless. After all, it was he who wrote 'Twinkle Twinkle Little Star' at the age of five. He should have been run through at birth by a Yalla Marca for creating the heinous thing. Children have been permanently scarred by it. What does someone this talentless know of onions and their mystifying beauty? Nothing at all.

Wild

Wild onions are considered the most dangerous of the elephant family, having been reported to kill over 70 people in one sitting. Though wild onions are nothing more then the hellish offspring of a Calculus Book and a Bag of Herr's Potato Chips, they are to be approached with extreme caution. If ever conered by one, their one weakness is Penguin sperm, which is way many Onion Biologists keep a ready supply of penguins in their freezer. Wild Onion hides go for over 40gold on the Red Market. It is rumored that the blood of the wild onion can cure various diseases; including AIDS and Cancer.

See Also

Elementary Particles
Atomic Electron - Neutron - Photon - Positron - Proton Colorful wave
Sub-atomic Bozon - Graviton - Moron - Ballmiton - Tachyon - Badger - Sauron - Quark - Spork
Ethnic Neutrino - Anti-neutrino - Crouton - Darkon - Onion - Galvatron
Connections Chemical bonding - Gayon - Hardon - Snap-on


Recreational Fruits
Stimulants

Bonana | Fig | Grape | Kiwi | Lemon | Orange | Tomato

Depressants

Coconut | Olive | Onion | Pear

Psychedelics

Grapefruit | Guava | Peach | Raspberry | Strawberry | Watermelon

Commonly Mistaken for Fruit

Apple | Clementine Attlee | Don Cherry | Peaches Geldof | Pineapple titties | Styrofoam | Utah |

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