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“One Piece of shit is more like it.”
One Piece (オーネピエケ Ōne Pieke) is a name that refers to a series of Japanese folktales that started as far back as the 13th century. One Piece tales are known for their unusual hideously exaggerated facial expressions, as they depict characters who are able to stretch out their eyes and tongues to six feet and make their mouths large enough to swallow cars. In these works the word "DOOM!" appears whenever someone makes a dramatic entrance, and "WOOOO..." materializes whenever dramatic dialogue is spoken.
In one of the most well known stories, the Navy executes a hobo pirate, Gordy D. Dee, who was so poor he only had one piece of treasure to his name (hence the title). However, this one piece happened to be the Great Afro of Disco Glory, and whoever found it would become king of disco (due to translation errors, some thought it was "King of Pirates"). And so, the great search for the "One Piece" was on. The main plot centers on a young pirate, Gorilla P. Huffy who fights progressively stronger badguys while collecting progressively stranger crew members.
Gorilla P. Huffy
The main character is named Huffy because of his tendency to huff anything edible in sight. One day, Huffy huffed a magical Dumb-Dumb Devil Veggi which gave him surprisingly useful retardation powers. Shortly afterwards, he ate Mr. Fantastic, mistaking him for a noodle, and thus gained his stretching power. Huffy has freakishly high metabolism, and must consume no less than 600 million calories a day, lest he passes out. Since he stuffs so much food into his skinny body, Huffy becomes densely heavy and can't swim without sinking.
Huffy was inspired to become a pirate and disco enthusiast when he met his idol "Red Haired" Skank. Skank gave him some crummy old straw hat, and in a fit of uncreativity, Huffy named his crew the "Straw hats". Huffy gets stronger throughout the series and has racked up a bounty of 400 million Berries (which is about $2.75 in American money). It is debated by Congress whether or not he has a penis, since he has failed to get grabby with any of the hot chicks he meets on his voyage. A shame, too, considering his infinite stretching power.
After two years, Huffy gained a power known as "Hackey," which allows him to instantly send computer worms to people's brains, killing their souls.
The crew's swordsman, whose name is often mistranslated as "Zolo," "Zodo," and even "Zomo" by the gay community. He is known for having a mini forest on his head in place of hair, making it look like he's a greenhead.
After chasing out the last of the Mexicans from California, the thrill seeking Zorro became a bounty hunter. But eventually, Zorro grew weary of fighting bloodless paper towels, and decided to become a pirate in hopes of eating some pie.
Zorro fights with the "four swords" style. That is, he grasps two swords in his hands, one clenched in his mouth, and a fourth one up his ass, which probably explains why he is so uptight. Nevertheless, Zorro is a mighty fighter who provides most of the killings, even if they are mostly just cannon fodder and random monsters. After two years, he decided to chop out his left eye so people would call him "Cyclops Zorro," effectively gaining two badass names at once.
The only one interested in treasure. In spite of her hotness, she is uninterested in sex (sigh) and only sees men as tools for getting what she wants. However, she must dress in hot revealing clothes so the mostly male crew won't turn gay. As the ship's navigator, her sole job is to look at some compass, and to slap Huffy or Zorro when they walk in the wrong direction. In battle, when Nami runs out of male meat shields, she uses a weather controlling staff, powered by the soul of Storm from the X-men.
After two years, all she really did was hang out with Lando Calrissian and stop wearing a shirt. I guess that's enough to advance her character.
Aptly named Ussob, because of the cowardly whimperings he makes whenever any amount of danger is afoot. Ussob has the habit of telling lies stupid enough to make a Commie propagandist jealous. But the rest of the crew doesn't mind since Chopper's the only one on the planet dumb enough to believe them. As the ship's sniper, Ussob fires lethal rounds from his....slingshot!? Oh well, at least he can poke people's eyes out with his 9 foot long nose. During the Getting Ship-Shape story arc, Ussob loses his mind and dons a mask, naming himself "the Rodent Prince" while flinging rabid gerbils from his slingshot. This makes him suck exactly 0.000001% less.
After the two year time slip, he grew a damn fine Goatee, and obtained the ability to shoot seeds which he learned from the Big Friendly Giant on a random jungle island.
The ship's cook, and the only crew member interested in women. Having survived Hell's Kitchen, Sanji is highly adept at fending off food critics with his highly girly kicks. As for non- food critics, Sanji will either attack with second hand smoke from his many cigarettes, or by saying "crap" until the heads of profanity sensitive people explode. Fortunately, Huffy and Zorro usually murderize all the enemies before anyone realizes how completely stupid these tactics are.
Sanji's dream is to find the legendary "All Blue" Sea, a sea that is so blue, it will turn anyone who looks upon it into a smurf. As a smurf, Sanji will then look up ladie's dresses and become an even bigger pervert.
After two years of being on an island filled with homosexuals attempting to rape him every moment of every day, he looks out of the other eye, and he grew a goatee to rival Ussob's. To cure himself of his Cold Feet, he learned how to light his feet on fire.
Chopper the Blue nosed Reindeer
Chopper the blue-nosed reindeer, ate the Hito-Hito fruit. And if you ever saw it, you would even say he's cute. All of the other reindeer used to not be very nice. They never let poor Chopper, live a normal reindeer life. Then one cold Drum Kingdom day, some dick came to say, "Chopper, with your human will, would 'ya like to learn medical skills?" Now he sails with the Straw Hats, and Huffy shouts with glee, "Chopper, the blue-nosed reindeer, you'll go down in history! (What's history?)"
Chopper is the only crew member with Tourette's, since he curses at people who are trying to be nice to him (an obvious sign of the disease). As a doctor, Chopper can not only heal his friends, but also knock out opponents with his outrageous medical bills. In battles, Chopper uses a specially made steroid that allows him to make 77 useless transformations, four of which Sanji masturbates to in place of real women.
After two years his body is now physically dependent on his homemade steroids, as evidenced by his increasing detachment from reality.
The crew's secondary source of boobies, and the planet's only cowgirl archaeologist. Nicco has a strange ability to make hands pop out of now where, allowing her to grope unsuspecting males. Due to showing absolutely no emotion in any situation, many have speculated Robin to be a robot. However, it was eventually revealed that she was merely a communist with all her estrogen removed. As the ship's archaeologist, Robin can read ancient languages and do everyone's history homework.
After two years, she used cosmetic surgery to transform from black skin to normal. She also scored with Huffy's dad, Gorilla B. Draggin', and she now gets to boss Huffy around. Fucking p3wnage.
A Coca-Cola (mostly Coca) powered cyborg who has never worn pants a day of his life. His lifelong dream was to build a ship and sail around the planet's equator, which is conveniently just what the straw hats needed, when their old ship was busted down.
As a cyborg, Franky has the usual gun, lasers, missiles, and many-times human super strength. But when these feeble weapons fail, he can always freak people out with his disco dancing.
After two years, he invented a brand new kind of weapon, Franky's Nipple Lights, which are said to blind people with their brightness.
An afroed skeleton who was once a member of the ill-fated crew of Captain Ahab, Brook made a pact with Satan to get necromanced so he could pursue the white whale Moby Dick. The rest of the crew tends to get annoyed by his DEAD-pan humor, but Huffy thinks he's RIB-cracking funny. Hot women give him BONERS, so he always asks to see their panties.
After two years, he gained a notable reputation as a Michael Jackson impersonator, a job he was successful at considering his clamminess and skinny figure. Having recently gone through Puberty, he has learned how to come out of his own body via ejaculation.
Who the fuck knows if this douchebag will ever join their crew. Probably not, since Huffy would just try to eat him.
An evil clown who has the ability to appear from anywhere and chop-chop people up. His body parts can fly off, but his legs must remain on the ground, making it easy to kick him in the nuts.
A fucked up dude who controlled over Nami's hometown, turning every innocent person into a sex slave and the non-innocent people into nobles. He hasn't been seen since the great meal where Huffy ate a whole fish dude alive.
A part-robot, part-child molester priest who can send people randomly flying anywhere. For some reason, he's also suicidal and figuratively "died" by turning into one of the Borg.
A man who once killed a thousand celebrities who tried to give him their autographs, all just to prove his worth. He's in charge of the CIA's Furry Force and is himself not only a Furry, but a dedicated Brony.
A cranky old guy who thinks everyone's a loser except him. Having consumed the Fire-Fire fruit, he has the power to fire anyone instantly, proving to be effective against his enemies in battle. He's officially the #1 douchebag of the series.
The leader of the Your Mom Pirates. Your Mom is known for her incredibly obese size, terrible communication skills, and addiction to sweets.
All the villains are mostly the same. Prejudiced, big-toothed weirdos who think they're so awesome until they just get randomly annihilated by Huffy. Who knows what happens to them after that? It's not like they die.
In spite of traveling to diverse locations, and meeting a vast multitude of colorful characters, all One Piece follow a wheel of established pattern:
- 1. Huffy and his friends sail to a strange new island.
- 2. There is some conflict or problem on the island, but they meet some friendly, likeable characters.
- 3. A seemingly unbeatable, asshole villain with an annoying laugh shows up to wreck havoc, likeable characters appear to die.
- 4. Huffy starts to battle the villain, but at first, the badguy seems to have the upper hand. Meanwhile, Huffy's crewmates run around accomplishing lesser tasks.
- 5. There is a long, boring flashback that nobody cares about, or in worse cases, multiple flasbacks.
- 6. After hours of prolonged fighting, Huffy discovers the villain's weakness and beats him up. The island's problem then starts to get resolved.
- 7. Everyone celebrates, the likeable characters come back, Huffy huffs food.
- 8.Huffy and crew sail off happily into the sunset to start the process all over again.
Over the centuries, there have been countless variations and side stories, but the main tales are as follows:
Beasts from the East
After 10 years of practicing his moves and singing, the young pirate Gorilla P. Huffy sets off to find the One Piece and become the King of Disco. After recruiting Zorro and Nami, Huffy must then fend off the horny advances of Rape-O the Clown on his sordid ship of sodomy. The trio then comes to a village where they meet Ussob. After they beat an evil butler, and his hypnotist boy toy, they go take a break at Hell's Kitchen, where they meet Sanji. While Huffy defends the Kitchen from the don of the pirate mafia, Nami takes off with their treasure, like the conniving gold digger she is.
Huffy and the straw hats follow after Nami, needing a navigator and a female presence so they won't resort to homosexuality (assuming they hadn't already, Ussob's nose can look awfully friendly at times). They find Nami with her fish-man pimp Amlong and his 5 foot long spiky nose. After a grueling 10 hour battle, Huffy's crew gets their navigator back, and enjoy a lot of fried fish. They then sail to the hobo pirate's execution spot, where they confront the Navy's Captain Toker.
Desert before Dinner
The heroes befriend Princess Wiwi, of Tatooine, whose kingdom is imperiled by Captain Hook and his task force of charismatic black men, Barack Works. The crew battles various hench blacks on Rum Mountain, Jurassic Park, and Bum Island before reaching the slow acting main villains on Tatooine. On the desert island, the heroes meet Huffy's arsonist porn star brother Ace, re confront captain Toker, and oh yeah, there was some unimportant rebellion thing or whatever.
In the climatic battle, Captain Hook sets a Time bomb, and somehow gains sandman powers. At first, Hook seems invulnerable, until he gets wet from Huffy urinating on him. With the day saved, everyone celebrates, Huffy huffs food, everyone laughs, Huffy huffs some more. The straw hats then bid a tearful goodbye to the whimpy princess, while escaping the Navy by sacrificing transvestites.
Seven minutes of Heaven
The heroes plot to steal the Master Emerald from Knuckles the echidna on Angel Island. Unfortunately, their plane blows up, and they all die and go to Heaven due to a massive oversight from Saint Peter. While in Heaven, the straw hats beat up the Four Apostles, molest the thunder god, throw wild parties with Injuns, and steal some golden ship. When the chief god, Morgan Freeman sees this, he gets angry and banishes the straw hats from Heaven. But he couldn't send them to Purgatory, since none of them were Catholic, and Hell was still recovering from Dante's rampage. So Morgan Freeman had no choice but to send them back to the mortal plane, alive.
Feeling in high spirits, Huffy and the straw hats compete in the Pirate Olympics against the Fantastic Mr. Fox. After snagging a Gold medal, the crew goes off to buy a new ship, since the Merry Go-Go, was reduced to a floating collinder, after numerous battles. But first, Huffy and Robin get froze by Admiral Iceman from the X-Men who somehow grew puffy black hair and coated himself in light brown paint to conceal his true identity.He also shows off his new and improved technique he learned at Snowman Camp by freezing the ocean just to brag.Then Ussob gets mugged by a gang of obese gimps (who were only three spaces above Ussob in the Food Chain). Ussob then throws a tempertantrum, takes the ship and leaves the gang for a full thirty minutes.
When the straw hats are framed for the Kennedy assassination they must fight off the CIA's deadly Furry Force. When Nico Robin is captured, the crew teams up with various freaks and invades Judge Dredd island, to fight the Furry Force once more. Huffy eventually defeats the chief furry by going to Super Saiyan levels 2 and 3. Along the way they discover Robin's mysterious past, meet Franky, and Huffy's Grandpa. After discovering that the Merry Go-Go had a mind and will of its own, the freaked out pirates burn it down and Franky builds a new ship.
Chiller Park and Peabody
While sailing on their new ship the Thousand Puns (or punny for short) the strawhats are captured by the Geico Gecko, who threatens to feed their souls to his zombie hordes unless they buy Gieco insurance. But the heores resist and in their expectedly long struggle they befriend skeletal rapper Brock. Then Huffy at long last beats the Gecko when he takes Frankenberry steroids.
Later on the gang runs low on gas, so they try to visit Mr. Peabody so they can use his WABAC machine to travel to when gas was under two dollars a gallon. But along the way the whole crew is beaten up by a 30-foot tall Bible salesman after Huffy said that "Heaven wasn't that great".
Huffy's brother Ace is captured by new villain Niggerbeard, so Huffy attempts to break into Azkaban prison to free him. Unfortunately, Huffy is taken off guard when the prison is manned by ass-ugly vampires, lesbians, midgets, queers, and annoying monsters. But Huffy manages to break out by teaming up with former villains like Rape-O the clown, Captain Hook, candlestick man, Mr. 2 Bon Gay, and of course, Bob the Killer goldfish.
The group then launches a frontal assault on the Navy Headquarters, along with Honkiebeard. In the Gigantic long-ass battle (is there any other kind?) Godzilla Jr. breaks loose, Honkiebeard's crew is blown and shanked constantly(it seems like they never stop coming), Captain Hook rapes a flamingo guy, Admiral Flashlight shoots 4th of July fireworks, the human torch launches fireballs that puts everyone in "hot water", Huffy slaps his grandpa for not giving any birthday money, Admiral Buddha slaps Huffy for being an unenlightened idiot. Niggerbeard kills Honkiebeard, the Navy HQ asplodes, and oh yeah, Ace died. This was considered one of the disapointingly less violent climatic battles of the series.
Huffy decided that he needed to take a break from his exploits and settled down on Amazon Licky, an island of first-class prostitutes, where Huffy even became the desire of the island's bottom bitch, Boa Hand-cock. He actually avoided all the women by going on a two-year camping trip with Gordy D. Dee's former 2nd in Command and definitely NOT gay lover, Shivers Reilly. Even though it was just fucking camping, they spent the whole time playing Super Mario Bros. on an iPhone. When Huffy missed the last jump before getting to fuck Bowser where it hurts, he let out a giant psychic power that caused Bowser to get pegged by Princess Peach, thus making him win. Huffy then realized he gained the power "Hackey." However, two years were already up at that point and he had to hit the road.
He met up with the Straw Hats at Peabody, where they didn't even ask each other how things went. They headed down to the undersea Bitchman island, natively inhabited by the Bitchmen, all half human and half bitch. Because of this, it was hard to get anyone to join their crew since they kept listening to Justin Bieber music. However, Hody Montana, a famous drug lord of the area, tried to kill the king Neptune's daughter, Shitakekarakurihoshima, and overdosed himself with Meth to increase his strength (not in the real world though, just his high world). Huffy was forced to fight him since he was stuck in Shitty's breasts at the time, which was easy. Case closed, they saved the day, another kingdom admiring them despite trying to kill them 5 hours earlier. And, no, Usobb SSTTIILLLL didn't get a sex scene. What the fuck are they waiting for?
When the pirate-ninja war broke out, the pirates found their utopia in peril. The protagonists sail to Eye Island, where pirate prisoners were having their eyes gouged out by ninja captors. Huffy's crew devastates the offense, slaughtering dozens of ninjas in their path. Victory was at hand, until Huffy met his ultimate match: a young, ambitious ninja named Naruto.
Huffy and Naruto duked it out non-stop for weeks, with no clear victor, they moved on to an eating challenge. After eating all the food on the planet, they held contests of stupidity, virginity, saving random people, and being clichéd. When the two ran out of things to compete over, they decided to become best friends, having so much in common. To them, the war was over, even though thousands were being killed all around them.
The Inevitable Ending
- Huffy beats up the last badguy
- Huffy finds the One Piece and becomes King of Disco
- Everyone in his crew achieves their own stupid dreams
- The world suddenly becomes a bright happy place of happiness. Everyone celebrates, Huffy huffs food.
Hey, how else did you expect it to end?
In Other Media
In 1997, Manga adaptations of One Piece were supposedly started by the almighty Odacchi, under the alias of a sugar addicted 17 year old named "Echidna Odd." Odd managed to get his manga up on Shonen Hump magazine, alongside famous mangas such as Dragon Testicle Z,Druid Duke,Soap,Naretard, and Yu-Gi-Blow. Despite all odds, the manga became hugely successful, receiving international acclaim, and getting translated into thousands of languages.
Though the manga stays faithful to the "DOOM!" and "WOOOO..." sound effects, as well as the cartoony expressions, many deviations have been made. Most notably the invention of the "Devil Fruit" nonsense that gave people super powers, thus removing the need for radioactive mutation and super hero cannibalism. All traces of romance were removed as well, since Shonen Hump readers disliked heterosexuality, stating that "girls have cooties."
There were also inane additions, such as side stories of minor characters no one cares about being present at each chapter's beginning. Echidna Odd also made the SBS corner, where he answered fan's questions with BS answers. A typical session in the SBS Corner is as follows:
Kawaii Man: START THE QUESTION CORNER NOW!!! BEFORE I BLOW YOUR HEAD OFF!!!
Odd:What?!? Stay away from me!! Cops!! Help, this man...!! Oh, wait, it's just a letter.
Freak With No Life: Dear Mr. Odd, in panel 4, of page 19, in chapter 287 of volume 93, why are Zorro's swords missing from his belt?
Odd: Why they were stolen by Mr. Rob Slicey, the magic sword stealing pixie of the East Blue, who just happens to be very camera shy. I so did not make this up in 10 seconds.
Dr. Robotnik: Dear Enchidna Odd, why am I so fat?
Odd: Why obviously its because you're eating too much of the other Shonen Hump comics. I hear that Naretard series is especially fattening. You need to stick to a One Piece only diet!
Pervy Pete: Hey Odd, can you draw all nine characters with a pencil wedged up your ass?
Odd: Here you go. And don't mind the little red stains, they're just from my new hemorroid.
Captain Obvious: Mr. Odd, how come no one in your comic has a girlfriend? Are they all gay or something?
Odd:...er...uh...the SBS corner is now closed! Bye!
The anime was produced by depraved North Koreans in prison camps, with 30 episodes being produced a day, and even 35, when the guards put their backs into whipping.
When brought to the US, One Piece anime was butchered to the extreme by 4kids Entertainment and their liberal-commie censorship. Naturally things like cigarettes, guns, and blacks were replaced (especially the smoking blacks with guns), but so were Bibles and crosses because it's politically incorrect to have a religion. Japanese rice balls were also removed because it's morally unacceptable to eat rice in America. But most tragic of all, cleavage was removed, because boobs are illegal on television. One Piece episodes aired on Fox and Cartoon Network before production ceased due to Ted Turner stealing the funds to use as toilet paper.
A series of instantly forgettable RPG games have been produced for One Piece as well. Game titles include:
- One Piece: Grand Adventure
- One Piece: Grander Adventure
- One Piece: An Adventure your Grandfather Would Enjoy
- One Piece: A Drunken day at the Carnival
- One Piece: Unlimited Adventure
- One Piece: Unlimited Adventure Multiplied by Infinity
- One Piece: WHEN THE FUCK WILL THIS ADVENTURE END!?
- One Piece: Unlimited Cruise with 80-year old adventurers