One Armed Philly
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
One Armed Philly is a name that comedienne Phyllis Diller went by in her early years (circa 1770.) She was known as the only whore around who could give handjobs to three separate men at once...with only one arm. She was paid about twopence for an overnight, half a quid for a quickie in a back alley. Well into her 200's, she has retired from both whoring and comedy.
Some of One Armed Philly's glamorous clientele included, over the years...
- Thomas Jefferson (when he wasn't having sex with his slaves)
- John Hancock (In Philly's memoir, she commented, "should'a been called BIGcock! Damn, that was a huge penis.")
- King George II
- His daughter, Anne (the Royal Family's full a' lezzies)
- George Washington Carver, inventor of peanut butter. (From Philly's memoirs: "We found some REAL innovative uses for peanut butter, let me tell you...")
- Abraham Lincoln
- Tom Cruise (he insisted on her wearing leather chaps and a strap-on and calling him "bitch" repeatedly)
- Michael Crawford, further discussed below
- Ethel Merman (Philly: "What can I say? The bitch liked pussy.")
- Frank Sinatra
A side note': She tried to get George Washington, but he was more interested in "that young, supple horseman" lol Paul Revere ("His eyes are like intense pools of amber ale....I could spend hours licking his lily-white torso and regions of impropriety..." Washington said in letters to his "friend," raging queen Ben Franklin).
- She actually lost her left arm in a freak butter-churning accident. She was churning butter as a child, when her arm slipped into the churn and she just couldn't stop churning. She screamed and screamed and churned, but no one came. Then her arm was ripped off in the butter churn. She was then deemed useless by her family and sold into prostitution.
- In the roaring Twenties, at the height of the popularity of Vaudeville, One Armed Philly had a torrid affair with a young actor named Michael Crawford. He was acting in the musical comedy The Gay and Lively Misadventures of Miss Hepzibah Jimmies. She was still a whore, working the alleys behind the theatres of Chicago. The affair lasted off and on for a few years, until Vaudeville fell out of fashion, when they went their separate ways. Some believe that, years later, Crawford traveled back in time to have sex with her forever. This is a theory used to explain Crawford's disappearance from the general face of the earth in recent years.
- In the 40's, she got a prosthetic arm, and started going by her birth name, Phyllis Diller.
- Eventually she decided to pursue a career in stand-up comedy, where she was known for her self-deprecating sense of humor and wacky clothing and hairstyles. And her dark ties to Oprah Winfrey.