One-night stand

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One-night Stands are a useful invention which help pop-culture icons and people that only exist in the telly to have free sex with a perfectly acceptable mate and absolutely no consequences at all.

A One-Night Stand

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An egyptian man runs from a one-night stand gone bad

Contrary to popular belief, and as the name suggests, a one-night stand is not a piece of furniture. The term "one-night-stand" didn't appear until the '80s, but the concept has been around for approximately 3000 years.

Recent archaeological finds have discovered that the Egyptians first put the One-night stand into practice. During harvest festivals, men and women would suddenly disappear, later discovered to have had sex then never spoken again. The Pharaoh thus dubbed them "One-night stands", as Egyptians enjoyed sex standing up.

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Meeting your one-night stand

One-night stands are not hard to find, as pathetic, easy, or grief-stricken women are everywhere, ie. bars, clubs, parks, your bed. Once you have found your one-night stand, you must find a way to approach her with the proposition of sex. It may be unwise to make your intentions of never seeing her again known. However, you are probably fairly drunk, so you may need to write yourself a note so you don't let it slip while telling your one-night stand of your exploits as a paramedic fireman who moonlights as a stunt bike rider.

The best place to write this note is in an obvious place, such as your forehead. In block capitals from a giant black marker. Not only will this make you extremely sexy, it will also show your one-night stand that you are responsible enough to make sure that you remember what is important, regardless of whether or not what you are remembering works out to her advantage.

Getting to know your one-night stand

Don't. It will only make you feel bad while you quietly sneak out of her bedroom at six in the morning.

Preventing follow-up

For the first two methods, this is easy. Leave her apartment or the motel room before she wakes up. For a real slap in the face (if you're in a motel room), make her pay the bill. Make sure you didn't give her a way of contacting you. Getting her phone number under the ruse that you will call her later probably isn't a great idea. Throw her off with fake phone numbers and addresses (not the number of anyone you know, she may use them to track you down). Make sure you don't go to the place where you met her for a while, or ever.

For the third method, unless she's extremely insecure, which she probably is (you just raped her and she's very confused), she'll try and track you down. Also, she has the law on her side, so you might need to flee to Mexico. It's not cliched at all to flee to Mexico. If you don't flee to Mexico, make sure you're pretty rich and can afford an incredible legal team. History has proven that a good lawyer can turn an obvious conviction into an unsure acquittal.

Also, use condoms. She may end up tracking you down to pay child support if you accidentally give her an STD.

Luckily for the cave men, policemen were still too busy chasing Flintstones to bother listening to sob stories from women who should know better than flaunting their sex-specific assets near horny cave men.

Patting yourself on the back

Go ahead. Congratulate yourself. If you feel bad for your one-night stand for even a second, you'll be tempted to try and make things right. If you got her phone number, throw it away immediately or you'll want to call her up and apologize for leaving so early and explaining that you had to go to work on a Sunday at 7:00 AM and couldn't have left a note because a carjacker stole your car which had your notebook in it, which was also why you had to leave so early because you had to jog back home and explain really quickly to your wife (you could leave that bit out if you want) that you were jumped by mafia men and knocked unconscious and have to get changed and ready for work. Actually, burn it so you aren't tempted to go to the dump and fish through tons of garbage to get it back so you can make her feel better.

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