Oman
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“Is this an Arab country, or is this f#@&*ing Bangladesh?”
~ A disappointed Russian tourist
“There is only one thing worse than being talked about, and that is being talked about in Oman”
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| Motto: Oman's in the Middle East? Really? | |||||
| Anthem: God Save Snixy the Hilarious Chihuahua | |||||
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| Capital | Mats | ||||
| Largest city | Eit Maoush | ||||
| Official languages | Martian French | ||||
| Government | Friendly Leadership | ||||
| His Holy Sultanship | Sultan Pep'ur | ||||
| National Hero(es) | Alex DeLarge
Anyone who's ever kicked a Dubai-ite Picnic Face Snixy the Hilarious Chihuahua | ||||
| Declaration of Independence | 22 June, 824 AD | ||||
| Currency | Crude Oil Sand Dollars Kebabs | ||||
| Religion | Islam or Scientology. It's one or the other mate. | ||||
Oman (also known as Oh, Man!) is a nation in the Eastern Middle, populated mostly by Scientologists, Muslims, Camels, Styrofoam Elephants and Bob the giraffe
Contents |
[edit] History
[edit] Origins
The island nation of Oman has a rich history peppered with Yemenite conflict, sparked by Yemeni dictators from Hampshire. When time began, Oman was originally called QuaQua, which etymologists believe has a meaning hidden in ancient Arabic. Currently QuaQua is believed to mean "The place where dreams bugger off." Others believe that it's name comes from the old kingdom of Oman and the dominion of the Venusians. The definition holds the same. The Venusians didn't hold the Omanians in very high regard due to there massive noses. The Citizens of Oman didn't understand this until in ad 823, they gained similar size noses. A revolt began and lasted exactly 6 days. After which, some hero invented a fat bong. In 824 AD, the citizens of Oman had enough dope in their land to trade with the Venusians and pacify their population, and a peace declaration was signed between the Venusians and the Omanites.
[edit] Ninth Century to Present Day - The Rock All Period
Absolutely nothing happened in Oman for many centuries following the armistice agreement. Or at least nothing all that interesting. Except for that thing at the palace with the goats, Winona Ryder and the six-hundred choir boys. Now that's a good story. Oh boy, is that a good story...
[edit] The Future
Here is a completely different story. Quite recently, Omani archaelogypsies unearthed an iPod that was sucessfully carbon dated to two-hundred years in the future. Different music and video files from the iPod were analysed and produced some startling facts. Miscellaneous items included that Season Ten of House will feature Alec Guinness's beard as a guest disease, scientists in Oklahoma will produce a guitar capable of self-awareness and musical taste. As such, it will kill itself when it is forced to play anything by Lilly Allen. Also notable is the discovery that Jediism will become the world's dominant religion, Hugh Jackman will be canonized by the Mormons and the shocking revelation that Bruce Willis was not actually dead the whole time.
However the most interesting discovery by far is that Oman will be the first country to make contact with extraterrestrial intelligence. At an undefined point in the future, the Vulcans will take a wrong turn at the moon and wind up in Oman. They will make contact and as such Sultan Pep'ur will become the head of trade agreements between humans and Vulcans. Oman will then begin its own Galactic Federation that will cover vast areas of the universe. America will be very jealous.
[edit] Figures of Interest
Notable figures in this Federation will include Captain Reginald Herrington, the man who single-handedly liberated the scantily dressed people of Undies 4 from... well... he liberated them.
“It was the finest moment of my entire career, I am immensely proud and the people were ever so grateful”
~ Captain Herrington speaking at his retirement party on Undies 4
Also of interest is Admiral Tomavid, who was a 7'6" tall warrior, half Vulcan/half Tom Baker, unlike most Vulcans he didn't give two colloquialisms about his emotions and would frequently swear gratuitously while co-ordinating offensives.
“F****g fire the f*****g photon f*****g torpedoes, Mr. Sulu you f*******y, f*****g, f****d, f**k”
~ Admiral Tomavid's immortal words at the battle for Pacifist 9
Apparently, the admiral will be/was a sort of hybrid of Bob Dylan, Leonard Nimoy, a Capriosca cocktail, Batman and a bloodthirsty Beagle. He was promoted to his post shortly after writing a dissertation that completely undermined Klingon offensive strategy. After many battles he realized that Klingons always attacked on the starboard bough. Knowing this, it was a simple matter of removing everything and everyone from the starboard bough of all starships in the fleet, hence ruining the Klingon strategy. His favourite food was Paella.
[edit] Notable Battles in the Oman Intergalactic Federation's History
- The invasion of Defenceless Alpha
- The major offensive on Pacifist 9
- The conquest of the uninhabited desert planets in the Unfashionable Sector
- The long protracted war with Those Guys
- The Sultan's battle with the 'wife' over the tin opener
- The absolute and total, complete and irrevocable, 100%, no takesies backsies, destruction of Lilly Allen and any and all songs she has ever made or written
- The Kettlewell Offensive
- The Kettlewell Not So Offensive
- The Kettlewell Only Slightly Offensive
- The Kettlewell Not Really At All Offensive
- The Genocide of the Invisible, Silent, Completely Undetectable Warrior Horde (That was a tuffie)
- The Dis-Art-Ickle Iznot Offensive
- The Omega 3 Defensive (AKA My battle with cholesterol)
- The battle for the film rights for the war
- The battle of the bands (They were running out of people to fight)
[edit] Is This All BS?
Some people have postulated the question as to whether the information attained from this iPod is valid. Some people have pointed out that it seems strange that an iPod would carry so much valuable historical and military data. Others have further suggested that is impossible to carbon date something to the future due to the nature of the degenerative half life of the carbon isotope used in carbon dating. These arguments have been dismissed on the grounds of 'boring'.
However, the question still remains to the fact that the whole phenomenon could be a hoax, and as such the scientific and political communities in Oman have all been shot in order to stop this line of questioning. The Sultan is very pleased that the Vulcans will be visiting and has prepared a spare-room at the palace for them. It is furnished with a water-bed, two easy chairs, a table made of ivory, a faux-1960s leopard skin rug and Zac Efron. Zac Efron is property of the Sultan and will be a gift to the Vulcans when they arrive.
“What do you mean a basket of fruit? Where's the originality in that?”
~ Sultan Pep'ur on Zac Efron
“Aakash was here”
~ A wierd message found tatooed on on Sultan's arm
[edit] Industry
Oman subsisted on the export of strawberry flavoured bubblegum and pixie stix for close to five thousand years, both of which were naturally produced by the mountains surrounding the hippie concentration camps in the North. The hippies (who were left over from a John Lennon concert they thought they saw when high) mined the pixie stix and bubblegum and packaged it ready for export in the specially prepared camps. Although the hippies were slaves, Oman did not violate any Geneva Protocols as the hippies were too zoned out to notice.
“After the concert we figured we'd just wait around till Simon and Garfunkel came on”
~ Hippy Slave on the concentration camps
[edit] The Collapse of the Strawberry Industries
However in the summer of 1969 when the present ruler came to power, the hippies (or rather the nintieth generation descendants of the hippies) were freed and told to get lost. The Sultan was planning to import kangaroos to restart the mining operations, but a terrorist attack by the Australian National Bestial Freedom Front destroyed all mine constructs and equipment. Although rebuilding of the mines was technically possible, no one can be arsed.
[edit] The Rise of the Francesco Triad
The Francesco Triad emerged shortly after the destruction of the Bubblegum mines. They quickly purchased the land that once housed the hippies and turned it in to an actor production plant. They specialized in the production of cheap knock-offs of big name Hollywood stars for underground trafficking to no-name movie production companies that could not afford the fees of proper actors. Some of their least famous creations include Patrick Stewort, Hugh Jackmin and Bruce Wallis. To this day The Francesco Triad has produced close to 16,000,000 false actors. They're operation is illegal, however due to some photos they have of Pingu in his 'wild days' they have been able to keep the United Nations under control. The only time they came close to prosecution was during the filming of the Worner Brothers picture 'Die Herd', when Bruce Willis was accidently hired instead of Bruce Wallis. When the film flopped and Willis demanded payment far beyond the finances of the studio they reffered him to Aakash Francesco, head of the Francesco Actor's Guild (FAG). Francesco was taken to court by Willis, but Willis agreed to drop the charges after Aakash Francesco kidnapped his spaniel Mittens and threatened to turn him in to a porcupine. No one has dared bring a charge against them since.
“I heard his voice on the phone, he sounded so scared. His father was eaten by a porcupine, you know.”
~ Bruce Willis on Mittens' Kidnap
It was recently rumoured that the Francesco Triad has started fencing Acting Drugs in the USA. These are drugs that aid in the learning of lines, general performance, monologuing and comic timing. Side effects include: erectile dysfunction, hair loss and Richard the Third syndrome, which causes the sufferer to stoop, grow a hump and constantly mutter "A horse, a horse, my kingdom for a horse."
[edit] Wildlife
There aren't many animals in Oman and most of them are as thick as two planks of wood strapped to a village idiot. Animals in Oman have always been spoilt, ever since the sixth century when the Sultan's wife gave birth to a son resembling a goat. Because of this all animals are now revered as Regal icons and so are often bought big muscle car and expensive mobile phones, while the family's real children are killed and eaten at holy festivals. Some of these animals are even given government positions. Due to the soft treatment of animals in Oman, their average intelligence has declined dramatically and has led to a rise in animal gang violence. Many animals now travel around the city in their Hummers, playing terrifyingly bad psycho-tribal-thrice-remixed-rap music through ridiculously expensive speaker systems. Once they have paralysed their victims they proceed to brutalise them and, in the case of girls, take them home and marry them afterwards. The animals are protected from prosecution by regal law and as such the Francesco Triad has been employing them to conduct drug deals and supervise the transportation of their knock-off actors. It is estimated that 45% of drug deals in the Middle East take place with an Omani Oryx or Common Goat present.
[edit] Religion
The people of the region converted to Islam during Muhammad's lifetime. By the middle of the eighth century, they were practicing a unique brand of the faith, Behaq'Ulilsm, a sect highly influenced by the religion of their former leaders. The Omanian version of the Qu'ran recounts the story of the country's rise to power. The film version of this story, entitled The Breakfast Club, became a major success in North American pop culture in the 1980's.
[edit] The Jesus Incident
In the Summer of 1327, Oman was informed that they were to be visited by Jesus. They were unmoved and slightly angry upon the arrival of the so called prophet after realizing it was only Jebus, who was later kicked out of the country for beating a prostitute to death.
[edit] Dark Magic Theory
For the last several hundred years, Oman has been shrouded in a large tetrahedron-shaped enclosure of dark magic, and has limited the amount of news being released from the country. Oman can be seen as the crown jewel of Saudi Arabia, most people who have visited believe this statement is absolute rubbish.
[edit] New Religion
Oman has recently given up on Islam. After a millenium and a bit of what can only be described as 'mixed reviews', they have become disillusioned with their long-standing religion of choice. As such, they have made the decision to start a new religion in the hope of finding greater critical acclaim. Count Hildegard Belushi, former Illuminatus and acid jazz singer, has been put in charge of an institute in Oman dedicated to producing a new, more effective religion.
“Belushi? Yeah, he's a total count.”
~ Snixy the Hilarious Chihuahua on Count Belushi
The research so far has come to determine that the most efficient faith would have to be based on those little black bits you sometimes find in Frosties. You know, the ones you find after you've been up late drinkng the night before, you wake up at eleven, and are so desperate for sugar you can barely see. So you go over to the cupboard and you pour the Forsties in to a bowl. Then you pour milk over it, and then your like: fuck. Because you realize you've poured that gross 'laban' stuff over your cereal instead. Unfortunately your so smashed you can't be bothered to get another bowl, so you eat it anyway, then you start to feel ill and all that, and then you bite down on one of those black bits and it tastes so bad, and you're drinking that 'laban' stuff and so you start to throw up. Yeah those things.
Anyway, the whole crux of the research suggests that these little black bits are actually divine manifestations of the lord Tigris Tonius and the prophet Neslog. As such, whenever you find one you should put in a jar and then tie the jar to some weights and throw it in to the ocean, where the jar will sink until the pressure becomes so great that the glass cracks and the black Frosty-bit is released into the Ocean. Whereupon it will manifest itself, or something else that's pretty funky.
When an official church is finally established, regular services and congregations will be held under water.
Tom Cruise has already expressed an interest in the religion, choosing to invest his left arm in the new faith. The money gained from eBay-ing his arm has paid for a team of writers to start preparing a religious text for Hildegard's new faith.
“And lo, Tonius looked down upon his kingdom. And he thought it grrrrrrreat!”
~ Excerpt from Chapter One of the Neslog Bibble (The Holy Book of Hildegard)
[edit] Education
There are a small number of educational establishments in Oman all of which teach druidic law, cattle rustling and ewokese. ABA (American British Academy) is by far the largest and likes to show this off whenever possible, usually by staging rallies. These rallies usually involving blood sacrifice and ritual chanting of the school's song, an Acid Funk remix of 'My Darling Clementine' accompanied on the armpit and mouth organ by resident musician and house elf, Randall 'Jungle Boy' Heathcliffe. The school has a 45% survival rate. Tibetan generals Lukas McKerosene Jnr. and Kristobel Da Saybe are rumoured to be the individuals who spawned these odd events back in the sixtieth century (AD and/or BC), or so the theory of Dr. Quaisa Reedle (noted Dentist, scat musician and Animorph reject) postulates. In recent years however, the establishment is under great threat due to an outbreak of "AGUPTA2". This has been started and spread by a freak named Aaditya who vowed to destroy ABA with his absolutely terrible wordplay. He is quoted to have said "I will reign with such terror that it will actually rain!" or words to that effect. At the moment, there are no known vaccines for "AGUPTA2", however, carrying Russel Peters or George Carlin clips reduces the impact of this soon to be pandemic However, by the time you finish reading this, you will have commited suicide after catching AGUPTA2, hence the school's survival rate.
A common misconception is that TAISM (The American International School Muscat) is the second largest educational institute, it is in fact an American colony slowly taking over Oman inch by inch. It recruits its students by sending vans out to the villages and lobotomising their residents. They are subsequently driven to the school's basic training camp and trained in simple infiltration techniques and arms manufacture. After a two week period they are shipped to the main camp which poses as a school campus. It is in fact an Airport through which air to surface bombings are mounted which are subsequently covered up by the American Ministry as potato cannon misfires. It is estimated that TAISM will cover nine tenths of Oman within the next five years. Once Oman is officially annexed it will be turned in to a giant penguin reserve and John McCain's holiday home. The British School is the second largest school in Oman, but is of no interest whatsoever as it only has three pupils, all of which are human/sheep hybrids that will never progress beyond the age of eight, due to genetic experiments carried out by the schools commandant/head farmer General Tibs 'Rusty Deadfish' Tibbons.
[edit] Things You Didn't Know About Oman
- It exists
- No Really, it Does
- Have I Ever Lied to You?
- It is the world's leading producer of 'Boring', a drug that dulls the senses, lowers IQ and creates strange hair dis-colouration while heightening the user's ability to play pool and eat pizza
- It is home to the world's funniest stuffed chihuahua
- It invented bits of Australia
- It doesn't know how to pronounce banal either
- It once appeared in an episode of Monty Python
- It can't be arsed
- It can't finish a
- It knows the meaning of life, but won't tell anyone
- It knows how every film is going to end and tells everyone before hand
- It claps loudly in the cinema... and the cinema never plays illegally downloaded movies...no...seriously!
- It does not support internet censorship or [CENSORED] and [CENSORED], or [CENSORED]
- It built the first working bagpipe
- It loves you thiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiis much
- It's official website is [1]
- An strange Welshian actor, whose name no one knows, lives in Oman. He is a comedian and an amatuer pornstar/ant trainer/capitalist pig. He lives in a cave, maybe.
[edit] Sultan Pep'ur - An Editorial
There is much that can be said about the fine works of Oman's rich, powerful and impressive Sultan. But rarely is much said of his private and... tender side. However, recently a charming biographic article was published by "Boots" Miller of the Times, and it sums up the almighty Sultan in these words:
"Sultan Pep'ur, is the best thing to happen to Oman since unleavened Arabic Pita bread. Among his hobbies of net-ball, Super Bingo (Halifax TM) and Sailors... sorry, I meant sailing, Pep'ur is also a baker of sorts. In his spare time he loves to bake breadsticks with warm buns. In Oman, people with red Ferraris and a Rolexes have often had their buns baked by the Sultan."
Forget about finding a man. He will probably rape you first. or else tell you he's married to a distant cousin. don't ride his camels, they are merely for milking.. or night time *ahem*
“A well oiled tribute if there ever was one”
~ Graham Norton on Sultan Pep'ur
Miller has recently been accepted as Senior Editor of the Jyllands-Posten[2] newspaper in Denmark. It is said that he is already planning a worldwide publicity campaign for the magazine, targetting mainly the Middle East and Islamic communities.
“No one will forget what we're doing next...”
~ Miller on his plans for the future
| Middle East Countries |
| Bahrain | Cyprus | Egypt | Gaza Strip | Iraq | Iran | Israel | Jordan | Kuwait | Lebanon | Oman | Qatar | Saudi Arabia | Syria | Turkey | United Arab Emirates | Yemen |
| Parts of this article were originally sporked from the Laos article. |
