Olympics

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A Paralympic participant attempting to blend in with the non-disabled athletes in this article. How courageous...

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For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Olympics.
“Ah, the Olympics! The only time when countries can live in peace by proving that they are much better than the others. ”
~ Oscar Wilde on Peaceful Rivalry
“I went to the Olympics for douchyness.”
~ Kayde on the Olympics
“YouTube said I won the Congress Olympics. Where am I?”
~ Debbie Stabenow
“For 12 Billion we could have written "Fuck off Germany" on the Moon.”
~ Frankie Boyle on The London 2012 Olympics

The Olympics is a brand of widely popular stupid cameras produced by Mt. Olympus Film Co. They are responsible for the most popular camera in the World, the 102mm digital Lake Placid. The president and CEO of the company is terribly sensitive to criticism of his projects, and has been known to smite people with a lightning bolt if they speak ill of his cameras.

The brand is otherwise known as the Olympic Games, The Contests, or The 4 Months of Sweat and Bother that No One Dares Abolish since it was created in Greece and it is a Greek Tradition. Everyone knows that the Greeks would get angry if we were to get rid of it. And when they are angry and close to sharp (or even blunt) objects, they get very violent, in case you hadn't noticed from their literature.

Modern Games

DogThrowing

Bulgaria won four of the five possible gold medals in the Dog-Throwing competition (now discounted), held from 1908 to 1924. The 1908 Bulgarian champion, on the left, set the still-standing record by pitching three dogs into the circle from 18.2 yards in just under six seconds.

The modern Olympics were restarted in Greece so they could pretend that the Roman Empire never existed. Soon after, the Olympics were held in Rome. In response, the Greeks held them for the second time. The Persians have never held any.

Cost of the Games

Organising the Olympic Games is very inexpensive. In fact, the 1976 Games in Montreal costed 99$ only. But as more money has been spent on the Olympic Stadium, it has survived and is still being used for many sporting and sex events.

Performance-Enhancing Drugs at the Olympics

In an effort to promote the good image of sports, the Olympics' governing body has taken great pains in trying to eliminate drug use at the games. Unfortunately, this has the side effect of making the Games much more boring than they otherwise would be. Several commentators have put forward the idea of running two separate Games side by side - the 'drug-free' Olympics and the 'neck whatever the hell you feel like' Olympics.

Studies suggest that this might lead to a far more spectator-friendly event with the mile run in 3 seconds, cyclists travelling at Mach 1 and swimmers completing 100 lengths without surfacing for air, after being injected with whale DNA.

The most famous Olympic Games

Controversy over the 1976 Olympics

Portadown, in Northern Ireland, was the city that was scheduled to host the 1976 Summer Olympic Games. Controversy erupted when a group of troublemakers from Belfast claimed that Portadown was not actually a city at all, but a large village, a small town, a hamlet, or a mega-colossal parish land.

Portadown refuted such allegations by putting forward two arguments against the slanderous accusations:

  • It was technically part of Craigavon, which was built to be a ‘New City’. Even though Craigavon hadn't caught on (owing to it being shit), it was the thought that counted.
  • Their Wikipedia entry clearly showed that the town had a population of three million, a metro transport system, seven hospitals, two universities and negative pollution. It was later discovered that - shockingly - Wikipedia was wrong and those in the Portadown Olympic Bid Committee had falsified the entry (something that has never before or since happened on Wikipedia).

The whole debacle was exposed on a BBC Spotlight Special and the 1976 Games went instead to Montreal, Canada. In protest, Northern Ireland athletes decided that they would not win a single medal at these or any subsequent Olympic Games, stating “we could win anything and everything if we wanted to, but we don’t want to, so there”.

The 2009 Olympic Games in Beijing

76343 1

The result of Beijing's excellent PR department.

The next 'Summery Games' were the Beijing 2008 Olympic Games. Officially known as the Little Ath's Games of the Mt Olympus Photographic Co., they were held in Bigdong, China, from 8:30 am August 8, 2008 to 12:30 pm August 8, 2008, with the opening ceremony taking place at 8 am on August 8, 2008 (08-08-08-08; the number 8 is associated with Erectile Dysfunction in some cultures). The Chinese announced in advance that they would be using whatever means necessary to win and that they considered the rules of a normal competition to be temporarily suspended whenever they were competing. Naturally, other nations were sufficiently frightened of China to refrain from doing anything about it.

After worldwide criticism of the obesity of the competitors it was decided that the next Olympics had to be played by obese children so they could burn off some flab.

The 2012 Olympic Games in London

2012

The 2012 London Olympics were predicted to be the best ever.

London "hosted" the 2012 Olympic Games and even before it had begun they had made a series of gaffes. They designed a logo which looked like a woman in a strange position and got banned after killing all the epileptic kids in the country. In addition to this, the ticket allocation system operated in such a way as to prevent anybody, except for Lord Coe, from getting the tickets.

Many people have criticised this attempt to "clean up" the Games, claiming that the few cheap laughs they give may actually encourage people to watch them, instead of throwing their televisions out of the window having realised that the only thing present on every channel is people running around in circles, throwing things, or swimming.

McDonald's Restaurants had been smuggled in from the USA and chosen as an official sponsor to ensure that the British athletes end up too fat to compete properly. Meanwhile, in the USA, representatives from Amnesty International have taken up jobs in gun shops.

The Stadium was built on a council estate but it was not done properly, and the workers blamed it all on people's craziness before 2012.

The 2016 Olympics in ReeftonRio de Janeiro

Reefton was awarded the 2016 Olympics at an announcement ceremony (based on its available facilities), but has not realised that yet, as news still takes approximately six years to reach this remote part of New Zealand and no townspeople have worked out how to use a telephone. As New Zealand's Prime Minister Helen Clark pointed out, Reefton has a BMX track already available, a round field in the middle of the island became a swimming pool, and a basketball hoop was found in a back yard.

However, the campaign has suffered slightly, and the opening ceremony had been moved to Auckland because the local flower show had booked out the town hall. In addition to everything mentioned, all the stadiums are about 2 years behind schedule (they will be ready for London's 2018 World Cup bid). As a result, the rights for hosting the Olympics were revoked, resulting in a re-vote. Rio de Janeiro was awarded the Games after winning the bid, and all construction is well under way in time.

The rules of the Olympics

There are a number of little-known rules that are very rarely used by athletes:

  • In the finale of the men's 100m, the lane on which a competitor runs legally becomes the territory of his nation.
  • In the Javelin, the use of actual javelins is not required. For example, during the 1974 Games, a Canadian athlete used a horse.
  • It is legal and encouraged to use noclip.
  • Any baby born inside the main stadium during the course of the Games gains diplomatic immunity.
  • In case of a death during an event, the late athlete's nation gets double points.
  • If, during a contest (such as weight-lifting) a competitor dislocates a major joint, "no attempt shall be made to mask or in any way hinder the audience's viewing of the injury". This serves multiple purposes: firstly, the audience gets to see the injury, and thus hopefully gets discouraged from trying to do any of the insane tricks themselves, and secondly, to humiliate the competitor by making this extremely painful, embarrassing moment available for worldwide broadcast.
  • Anyone under 16 is allowed to take part in the Olympics if he/she is Chinese.
  • The UK is not allowed to win the overall medals tally, as nothing but complete failure will please the readers of the Daily Mail. This rule was abolished in 2012 for the London Olympics, but a new rule has "Australia" written in place of the UK. This will continue until Australia wins another bid for the Olympics.
  • The Olympic Sports can only be televised if the Americans are good at it.

See also

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