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“Ah, the Olympics! The only time when countries can live in peace by proving they're so much better than each other. ”
“ I went to the olympics for douchyness.”
“ The YouTube said I won the congress Olympics. Where am I?”
“For 12 Billion we could have written 'fuck off Germany' on the moon. ”
The Olympics is a brand of widely stupid popular cameras produced by Mt. Olympus Film Co. est. 1337 BW (Before Waffles). They are responsible for the most popular camera in the World, the 102mm digital Lake Placid. Zeus, the president and CEO of the company, is terribly sensitive to criticism of his film, and has been known to smite people with a lightning bolt if they speak ill of his cameras.
The brand is otherwise known as the Olympic Games, The Contests, or The 4 Months of Sweat and Bother that no one Dares Abolish since it was created in Greece and it is a Greek Tradition which we all have to get involved in sometime whether you like it or not. Everyone knows that they'll get angry if we do get rid of it. So don't even think about thinking about considering stopping them becuase they're only bit of fun. Plus you would not like them when they're angry. Not one bit. Especially when those crazy Greeks get hold of sharp objects. Or even blunt ones for that matter; they get very violent in case you had not noticed from their literature.
The modern Olympics were restarted in Greece so they could pretend that the Roman Empire never existed. Soon, the Olympics were held in Rome. In response, the Greeks held them for a second time. At least the Persians never had one.
Cost of the Games
Organising the Olympic Games is very inexpensive. In fact, the 1976 games in Montreal cost just $.99 to run and adding further value the olympic stadium continues to serve for many sporting and sex events.
Performance-Enhancing Drugs at The Olympics
In an effort to promote the good image of sports, the Olympics' governing body has taken great pains in trying to eliminate drug use at the games. Unfortunately, this has the side effect of making the Games much more boring than they otherwise would be. Several commentators have put forward the idea of running two separate Games side by side - the 'drug-free' Olympics and the 'neck whatever the hell you feel like' Olympics.
Studies suggest that this might lead to a far more spectator-friendly event with the mile run in 3 seconds, cyclists travelling at mach 1 and swimmers completing 100 lengths without surfacing for air after being injected with whale DNA.
1976 Olympic Games Controversy
Portadown, Northern Ireland was the original host City for the 1976 Summer Olympic Games. Controversy erupted when it was claimed by a group of troublemakers from Belfast that Portadown was not actually a City at all, but rather a large village or small town, or perhaps a super sized hamlet, or mega-colossal parish land.
Portadown refuted such allegations by putting forward two arguments against the slanderous accusations:
- That it was technically part of Craigavon which was built to be a ‘New City’. And even though Craigavon hadn’t caught on (owing to it being shit) that it was the thought that counted.
- That their Wikipedia entry clearly showed that the town had a population of three million, had a metro transport system, seven hospitals, two universities and negative pollution. It was later discovered that - shockingly - Wikipedia was wrong and that those in the Portadown Olympic Bid Committee had falsified the entry (something that has never before or since happened on Wikipedia).
The whole debacle was exposed on a BBC Spotlight Special and the 1976 Games went instead to Montreal, Canada. In protest, Northern Ireland athletes decided they would not win a single medal at these or any subsequent Olympic Games, stating “we could win anything and everything if we wanted to, but we don’t want to, so there”.
BJ 2009 Olympic Games
The next 'Summery Games' were the BJ 2008 Olympic Games. Officially known as the Little Ath's Games of the Mt Olympus Photographic Co.. They were held in Bigdong, China from 8.30am August 8, 2008 to 12.30pm August 8, 2008, with the opening ceremony taking place at 8am on August 8, 2008 (08-08-08-08; the number 8 is associated with Erectile Dysfunction in some cultures). In the BJ Olympics the Chinese announced in advance that they would be using whatever means necessary to win and that they considered the rules of normal competition to be temporarily suspended whenever they were competing. Naturally, other nations are sufficiently frightened of China to refrain from doing anything about it.
After worldwide criticism of the obesity of the competitors it was decided that the next Olympics had to be played by obese children so they could burn off some flab.
London 2012 Olympic Games
London "hosted" the 2012 Olympic Games and even before it had begun they had made a series of gaffs. They designed a logo which not only looked like Lisa Simpson fellating her brother, but later got banned because it killed lots of epileptic kids. In addition, the ticket allocation system operated in such a way as to prevent anybody except Lord Coe getting them.
Many have criticised this attempt to "clean up" the games claiming that the few cheap laughs they give may actually encourage people to watch it instead of throwing their televisions out of the window upon realising that the only thing that is on every channel are people running around in circles, throwing things or swimming. People who like the logo are often referred to as 'communist bastards'. Think about it.
McDonald's Restaurants had been smuggled in from the USA and chosen as an official sponsor to ensure that the British athletes end up too fat to compete properly. Meanwhile, in the USA, representatives from Amnesty International have taken up jobs in gun shops.
The stadium is being built on a council estate. 'Innit'. However it doesn't much matter as we all know the earth (and every last drop of tea) will be destroyed in 2012.
Reefton 2016 Olympics
Reefton was awarded the 2016 Olympics at an announcement ceremony yesterday, but has not realised yet, as news still takes approximately six months to reache this remote part of New Zealand and no townspeople have worked out how to use a telephone yet. Reefton won the right to host based on a judgement about it's available facialties. As New Zealand's Prime Minister Helen Clark pointed out, Reefton has a BMX track already available, some guy's field flooded last week and is round about the right size for an olympic pool, and they found a basketball hoop in some kid's back yard. When Mrs Clark was questioned yesterday she replied "we're sweet as".
However, the campaign has suffered slightly, and the opening ceremony has been moved to Auckland because the local flower show had booked out the town hall. The building works i.e stadiums and such are all an average of 2 years behind schedule meaning they will be ready for London's 2018 world cup bid. As a result, the rights to the Olympics was revoked, resulting in a revote. Rio de Janeiro was given the rights after winning the bid.
Tapawera 2024 Olympics
A small town in the puny country of New Zealand called Tapawera has won the 2024 olympics. This comes after the 2016 Reefton olympics, and the announcement of the 2028 South Auckland Olympics. The village of 500 people has a 4 Square supermarket, a random school and a awesome house that contains my friend. The town is about 40kms out of Nelson, the sunniest, coldest, warmest and wettest place in New Zealand. Barack Obama, the official #1 fan of Tapawera said "the village deserves a second special event". The first event Obama was referring to was the time a man ate an apple pie in approx. 2.732 seconds.
The planet, Alderaan, was planning to bid for the Winter Games, when it mysteriously disappeared from the galaxy. Emperor Palpatine has assured us that Alderaan never really existed at all.
Miami also plans to make a bid for these games.
The company Weyland-Yutani is planning to bid to have the Olympics on LV-426 despite loss of contact from their colony Hadley's Hope. Also the city of Skopje in Monkeydonia plans to bid if it won't merge with Bulgaria or Albania.
New Zealand's Failed Olympic Bid
New Zealand's "failure" to host the 2016 Olympics has generally been put down to its crap economy and its inability to provide the billions of dollars necessary to host the Olympic games. When asked about it, the population of New Zealand indicated that they felt they were denied the honor of hosting the games because they were unwilling to spend their hard earned sheep bread money on it. The Announcement was welcomed by the John Minto Association of Communists. A list of their changes follows.
New Zealand's Changes
- There will only be 3 medals. Medal winners will have their Photo taken with the medal in either 13`3" or 24`6" sizes (additional cost for framed)
- Recipients will not keep the medal, instead they will receive a colored sippy straw of their choice and a McDonald's Voucher for a small Fries with any Combo purchase.
- All running, jumping, dancing and rowing events will take place on the state highway one, as that is the most up-to-date road.
- All field event equipment will be second hand and or not internationally certified. Such as the gumboot frizbee and the fence post Standard javelin.
- All official gatherings will include fish and chips.
- The local Maoris will eat the losers of each event, in accordance with the 1840 treaty of Waitangi.
- All official vehicles of the events will be Toyota Hiluxes.
- All ATVs will be accompanied by sheep dogs to keep the other countries from starting away from the herd.
- Live - high voltage - electric wires will be a mandatory part of all events (especially the high jump).
- All sailing, swimming and rowing events will take place in lake Taupo, all at once. Spot prizes will be given for the largest fish caught by any one competitor .
- All Asians will be tagged upon entrance to the country, for easy round up later.
- Most events will incorporate the "last man standing" rule. This goes in accordance with the "Don't ask, don't tell" policy enforced on all complaining competitors.
- Cheating is considered optional.
- Spitting on losers is encouraged.
- Chuck Norris jokes will be inserted into each speech.
- The national anthem of the victor will be played through a cellular phone next to a microphone (the winner will be charged $8.99 for the download)
- Racism, anti religious acts, terrorism, and streaking are all encouraged.
This was denied and instead everyone settled on an agreement that the a souvenir New Zealand flag would only cost $4.70 while every other flag would cost $5.00, encouraging the local poor community to purchase the New Zealand flag to increase support for their country. Thus, another pointless war was sadly avoided. However after the 2032 olympics all the olympics will be held in New Zealand.
There are a number of little-known rules that are very rarely used by athletes:
- In the final of the men's 100m, the lane on which a competitor runs legally becomes the territory of his nation.
- In the Javelin, the use of actual javelins is not required - in the 1974 games, a Canadian athlete tried using a horse.
- It is legal and encouraged to use noclip
- Any baby born inside the main stadium during the course of the games gains diplomatic immunity. For life.
- In the case of death during an event, the late athlete's nation gets double points.
- Pressing up, up, down, down, left, right, left, right, start, select activates dev_mode. Which allows you to summon Dark Magician in attack position.
- In the event a competitor dislocates a major joint during an event, such as weightlifting, no attempt shall be made to mask or in any way hinder the audience's viewing of the injury. This serves multiple purposes: firstly, the audience gets to see the injury, and thus hopefully discourage them from trying to do any of the insane events themselves, and secondly, to humiliate the competitor by making his extremely painful, embarrassing moment available for worldwide broadcast.
- It's ok to be under 16 and in the olympics but only if you are Chinese
- the UK are legally not allowed to win the overall medals tally. Nothing but complete failure will please the readers of the Daily Mail.
- Olympic Sports can only be televised if the Americans are good at it.
- Winter Olympics
- Ancient Commonwealth Games
- Ancient Greek
- Drunk Olympics
- Extreme Torch Relay
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