Old Jersey
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- Not to be confused with New Jersey (Please, don't do that)
“Its Like... Boredom, Racism, Snobbery and Pedophilia compacted into a small needle and then injected into a steaming turd. ”
~ Governer of Jersey on Jersey
Old Jersey (oft' calleth by ye monicre o' Jersey), is an island off of the coast of France... the inner coast! Jersey is a well known paradise for paedophiles, rapists and people who say 'cock'.
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[edit] History
Jersey was founded in Yearteen-Yearty-Year by St Limony the Cold. Basically, he was cold, and then... Jesus, or someone in a beard told him that if he started an island, he'd be warm. And the rest, as they say, is, history.
The Island then passed hands between the English and the French for a few centuries, both losing the island and their dignities. England lost these wars because England was a lame nation populated by horses and peasants, unlike France, which totally owned Jersey until 1916 when the Germans took it away from them. It was later reclaimed by the US and given back to France, who lost it again to the Germans in 1941. After the US took it back from Germany again, Germany was sent to the principal's office, however the US kept it as the 41st state, telling France that since it couldn't play nicely, it wasn't allowed to play with it anymore. France is still pissed at us for it.
It was decided that the mentally retarded members of Jersey should either be sent to run chinchilla farms in Peru or be forced to set up their own community. For this reason, the island of Guernsey was formed.
[edit] Modern History (Histoire Moderne)
Jersey was conquered by the Nazis during That War With Nazis In It. And to this day remains the only remaining province of the Third Reich. As such it is home to many loveable old Nazis. Like Ernst Rohm, and that one with the limp.
It was shortly after the Nazi invasion that mainland UK 'forgot' about the island of Jersey and it remained lost in the annuls of time until Jamie Oliver rediscovered it in his annoying Sainsbury's Potato advert of 2006. Something else we have to thank the fat tongued f****r for! This island was also invaded by the normans back in 1100 a.d.
Recently a Hostile takeover of Jersey was taken by the Polish and other 3rd world country immigrants such as Lithuanians and Romanians. Jersey in Reply became a tax haven and initiated 3 operations, the first one being operation 'What Ever' aka 'WE' (thought up by the States of Jersey on the immigrant issue) followed closely by 'Leave Our Vegetable Eaters and pickers' nicknames 'LOVE'. Only weeks later another operation was introduced by the states of jersey cleaning department, it was called operation 'Pondering Over Legal Immigrant Suit for Harassment' which became famous for it's nickname 'POLISH'. The people of Jersey then decided that 3 operations called 'WE' 'LOVE' and 'POLISH' seemed a bit strange. A retreat has been ordered by the Polski Skleps C.E.O according to our defence minister, Maskeus Zwerseski.
[edit] Royalty
King Peter Mac hosts radio shows on Channel 103.7fm (the only radio station you can pick up on your fillings from outer space) with his Queen Katy Ringsdore and their loyal servant Bruce. His palace, Onion House, is located on Onion Street, Sexy-Town (The 13th Parish where you are legally required to wear a hat and a lemon wedge in your arse at all times). Huge traffic delays occur every weekday morning during the "Breakfast" show (the one you eat with your cornflakes) due to many making the daily pilgrimage to the palace in the 13th parish, which is conveniently situated in the heart of St. Helier where every single islander works/goes to school.
The unofficial King of Jersey is John Nettles, better known as 'Bergerac' or 'Violent Jim' to his mates.
[edit] Economy
This is the only form of payment on the Island (Apart from potatoes, fudge and people from st.ouen)
not including £5, £10, £20 etc notes....
Opening Times
- Monday - Saturday - 9:00 -17:30
- Sunday : CLOSED
[edit] Education
Jersey's School system is composed of Primary Schools, Secondary Schools, Colleges and Prison Centers. The Primary Schools take small happy children and mentally cripple them to the point where they actually consider Burberry clothes to be fashionable. The secondary schools then offer a chance for these children to stray down another path and become self harming, Satan worshipers who consider a man screaming in pain, because he has been shot in the anus, to be an interesting piece of music. The Colleges then place those who survive through mental eradication where all previously learned knowledge (Not that much to be honest) is completely wiped and the students emerge as hollowed out robotic shells of their former selves. Although, if you enjoy heavy exposure to alcoholic substances then you probably wont mind this process.
A List of Concentration Camp Facilities may look like this
[edit] Primary Schools
- Bel Royal School
- d'Auvergne School
- First Tower School
- Grands Vaux School
- Grouville School
- Janvrin School
- La Moye School
- Les Landes School
- Mont Nicolle School
- Plat Douet School
- Rouge Bouillon School
- Samares School
- Springfield School
- St Clement's School
- St John's School
- St Lawrence School
- St Luke's School
- St Martin's School
- St Mary's School
- St Peter's School
- St Saviour's School
- Trinity School
[edit] Secondary Schools
- Grainville School
- Haute Vallee School
- Hautlieu
- Le Rocquier School
- Les Quennevais School
[edit] Colleges
- Highlands
- Hautlieu
Hautlieu School is curently the most retarded school on the island. The school famously enslaves students to help create gerbil eagle hybrids to finaly take over pearl harbour. Hautlieu school is most famous for its 99.99% of students who all play on Redtube because they cant get laid.
Notice the spelling errors - Highlands dicks.
Notice how Hautlieu students found this article and changed the spellings. - Hautlieu Morons
Highlands College is situated next to Hautlieu School, lower down the hill which is representative of academic achievement. Currently, Highlands offers a range of courses from advanced paperclip bending classes to how to hit a car with a hammer. It is ironically placed next to the Jersey unemployment and job finding centre, so that Highlands students do not have to walk too far and trip over their shoe laces which they do not know how to tie.
[edit] Cuisine
The people of Jersey only eat seafood... and potatoes. Well known dishes include
- tourists with a side of "freedom-fighter"
- prawns with mashed potato
- fish-sausage with potatoes
- boiled potatoes with crab
- potatoes with potato
- chips and sea bass
- fillet of mackerel with lightly sauteed potatoes
- two potatoes with crabs
- During the Autumn months the island has its famous "notquiteatennerfest" in which the restaurants charge slightly less than their usual astronomic prices for a fishy article and a fibrous root vegetable
- Jersey Bean crock made with pigs trotters and tastes like S%^t, this is no joke
- All served with a side dish of potatoes
- Potatoe de la potatoe
- Jersey cow with a potatoe up its ass
- Jersey wonders(a sickley type of dohnut)and limpet stew topped wth ground limpet shell
[edit] Night Life (Apart from Smuggling)
On first glance Jersey does not appear to have a night life but on closer inspection there does appear to actually be one. It may be easier to find if you camouflage your self to look like the local Flora by wrapping your self in Burberry and waiting till some of the local Fauna to pass you by and then follow them to 1 of the hottest night spots on the island, Hours can be wasted away drinking Potato Juice (freshly squeezed from fresh Jersey Royal Potatoes) in Liberation Square. Alternatively you could go in search of quaint drinking holes doted around the island.
On Friday evenings many young Jersey folk are found in clubs such as semi-solid or aluminium. These are located next to the seafront so that undesirables, or people from Guernsey can be drowned at short notice.
While out enjoying your night in one of the many pubs or CLUB some local will arrive trying to take your picture on a digital camera whilst trying to dance, then shoving the camera in your face tring to approve the picture. the next day you will find this picture on a website. if you wish to have your OWN picture you must part with a stupid amount of money, a couple of days later you will find this picture on your doorstep, in the catflap, or up a dogs arse.
[edit] How to establish that you are indeed on Jersey
You know you're in Jersey when...
- Kitten Huffing [1] is unbelievably prominent
- When people for some reason think that Jersey (a tourist destination) is well rough
- People feel the need to CONSTANTLY mention Hire cars even though they're already in the list
- The only two schools on the Island hate eachother (HAUTLIEU sucks tiny man cocks)
- Hautlieu school have banned this page because they have no sense of humour
- It takes you 45 minutes to drive 2 miles
- Every shop sells fudge
- Hire car drivers are considered a lower form of life than Honorary Policemen
- Everyone keeps banging on about “the cleanest beaches in the world”
- The locals are clearly confused about roundabouts
- The guy serving your drinks is Australian/Irish/Polish/Portuguese/ gay
- Most people own a car that can go at least four times the maximum speed limit (40mph)
- Everyone else owns a death-trap rust bucket
- Most adverts feature John Nettles
- If you are driving a hire car you are automatically considered to be “driving dangerously”
- The best solution to crime is to ignore it
- Going to London for the day takes three days and costs 300 quid
- Money has a cow on it
- Trains are a thing of the past
- People think they are lucky if they can get a forth channel on their TV
- People are wearing bikinis to do their shopping
- Your car won’t fit in the car park
- All pubs sell the same crap beer
- Most tourists are German
- Rikki Knowlton had a great afro (y)
- Having a surfboard on your roof makes you ‘cool’
- Having an H on your car (hire car) makes you an absolute idiot
- You pay over a thousand pounds a month to live in a single room
- Milk is thicker than cream and can give you a blocked artery just by looking at it
- No-one’s heard of broadband
- You can’t walk more than nine miles in a straight line without getting wet
- Everyone hates Guernsey
- Everyone is ‘English’ during the world cup and a ‘Bean’ during the Commonwealth Games
- Going bowling is still a novelty
- Bronze statues of farm animals are plentiful
- There are more houses than there are people
- Children's care homes are also used as burial grounds
- Dom Falla is secretly Dr. Who and/or GOD.
- Everything is 3p more expensive than it is in England
- Pigs... or possibly cows... are flying through the sky... and hamburgers are eating people
- You have been attacked at least once by the evil Joyce
- If you live in St Ouens you are instantly inbred
- People who read the local papers still think "Dilbert" is funny
- It's illegal to buy flowers on a Sunday, for some reason
- The same thing applies to men knitting, homosexuality and pretty much anything that doesn't involve cows or potatoes
- Whenever the mainland is in the mist or a blizzard, Jersey gets torrential rain, followed by 2 whole atoms of snow
- You can't find a Tesco, Asda, Sainsbury's, Aldi, Lidl. Netto...
- The elderly speak with an accent that slips somewhere between Johannesburg and Birmingham
- Roadworks last, on average, for 5 months (including tea breaks)
- There's a giant, ugly, crumbling building on top of a hill which nobody can be arsed to knock down
- There's a giant, ugly steam clock on the waterfront that can tell the time once every 2 weeks, providing it doesn't explode
- Che's been taken away for Indecent Exposure
- You can hear a Murloc running around Hautlieu
- Goth kid is so Gothic, and you WISH you were as Gothic as he was.
- When you go to Shoe Zone to get yo' bargain B.O.G.O.F. slippers, slick to the touch, you will notice a gigantic toad on a fancy pants totem pole gloating at you.
- You find that when you go to England the milk tastes like bacon cooked in piss.
- You realize that the Woolworths voucher that your grandma bought you is useless.
- You know that everyone from New Jersey is an idiot for not knowing why they are called 'NEW Jersey'.
- Liam Fahy is trying to find Atlantis
- When every 11 year old wears trackies, smokes and drinks
- When Trevor from the Welly says Portsmouth is not an island.
- If your window is open at night you WILL get raped by the beast of Jersey
- When you start getting harrased by honoury policemen who aren't actually policemen and have no authority whatsoever.
- When you reach 41mph you're in the sea!
- When your internet goes at 1 byte per day.
- When everyone who owns a cmax has had sex with a cow.
- When everyone who has lived on jersey since 03/02/2007 has an STI.
- When you go into a shop and no one speaks english
- When the parks next to the hospital look like a sea of homless people
- When your bus driver is Australian/Irish/Polish/Portuguese/Gay/A NUT JOB WITH C4!!! and waves to you calling you boy george for no apparent reason.
[edit] Jersey Celebrities
- Jersey Joyce
- Hole Face
- Sock Man
- Haydn Le Ruez (The retard)
- Frog Man
- Hedley le Maistre
- "Sentor" Stuart Sivrey
[edit] See Also
Barmy British Stuff | Northern Europe | Channel Islands · Denmark · Estonia · Faroe Islands · Finland · Guernsey · Iceland · Ireland · Isle of Man · Latvia · Lithuania · Norway · Old Jersey · Sealand · Svalbard · Sweden · United Kingdom | 
|
| Western Europe | Austria · Belgium · Corsica · France · Germany · Liechtenstein · Luxembourg · Monaco · Netherlands · Switzerland | |
| Eastern Europe | Belarus · Bulgaria · Czech Republic · Hungary · Moldova · Poland · Romania · Russia · Slovakia · Ukraine | |
| Southern Europe | Albania · Andorra · Balearic Islands · Bosnia and Herzegovina · Croatia · Cyprus · Gibraltar · Gozo · Greece · Italy · Kosovo · Macedonia · Madeira · Malta · Montenegro · Portugal · San Marino · Serbia · Sicily · Slovenia · Spain · Vatican City |
