Old Folks Home

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DCP 0040

When the local sports team needs the arena, we lock the olds in the basement.

“God's waiting room? does that make God a dentist?”
~ Oscar Wilde on nursing homes

An old folks home is a storage facility for societies most worthless, the olds, because so called "human rights organizations" have declared the camps as "a crime against humanity." Your mom is an old folks home.

edit History

edit Origin

Old Folks Homes were invented in 1867 as a way of keeping old people from walking the Earth. Old Folks Homes are concentration camps for the aged, before they are eventually subject to torture and pain of death, if they don't renounce the view that "the good old days" were good. An average Old Folks Home is roughly the size of Luxembourg and contains many rooms, all of which are connected via bus stops to preserve Old People's way of greeting other old people. No buses ever arrive, but a virtual newspaper letter column is available for the old people to write in and complain. Old Folks Homes are usually located in the ghetto, adjacent to prisons or mental institutions, or on Superfund sites, where land is cheap and plentiful.

edit Dickinson Rebellion of 1945

In 1945, Lord Daffid Dickinson III broke free from an Old Folks Home. He led a few survivors to safely escape. However, his plans failed, as the old people quickly complained about the cold, and that they were missing countdown. Thus they returned, and were punished, via force-feeding.

edit Recent years

In 1977, when Saturday Night Fever was popular, disco was introduced into old folks' homes, which made them the most exciting places in the world, so much so that many of the residents are now impostors, people as young as 18 disguised as old people. Old folks' homes help the elderly live longer and feel more alive, rather than just leave the women sitting in a lounge chair doing the knitting and the men sitting in a separate lounge chair reading the newspaper. Men are given Viagra daily, just so they have something to play with and don't fall into boredom.

edit My Grandma

You might say that my grandma has seen better days, but as a matter of fact, she hasn't (just look at me), and this is because she's in what's called an old folks home. She has been given a nice place to sit and be tied down, medication is forced into her rotting digestive system on a daily basis, and she gets to call me up at any time she wants. [1]

edit Abuse

Another popular form of torture involves badgers and two sledgehammers. These methods have since been described as unfair to the sledgehammers, who have a very powerful union. New methods include playing music loudly and refusing to turn it down under any circumstance, and creating artificial world war IIs. It is rumored that Bruce Forsyth is currently plotting in an old people's home somewhere off the coast of Scotland.

Because old people eventually die, the old people's homes argue that it would be much tidyer for everybody else if it happened sooner. Therefore they ensure the quickest, most painful death imaginable. These usually involve young people who are the arch-enemies of old people.

edit Footnotes

  1. Of course, only if she is heavily sedated first.

edit See also

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