Ol' Red

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Ol red

Cover for Ol' Red. He could've chose a better outfit.

For the religious among us who choose to believe lies, the self-proclaimed experts at Wikipedia have an article about Ol' Red.
“Come on somebody, why don't you run? Ol' Red's itchin' to have a little fun! Get my lantern, get my gun. Red'll have you treed before the mornin' comes.”
~ Warden singing about Ol' Red

Ol' Red is a country song by famous country singer Blake Shelton that is based off true events. It's about a man (by coincidence, Blake Shelton himself) who commits a crime of passion and is sent to prison, a place where prisoners are unable to escape thanks to a bloodhound named Ol' Red who can track down anything. But Shelton had an idea which would allow him to escape from prison: he would use what got him there in the first place...love.

The song is considered the most famous country song ever, and has been covered by many singers, bands, and Southern good-old-boy drunks.

The Story

The song itself was based on the true story of Blake Shelton, why he went to a prison that was labelled 'inescapable' because of a dog called Ol' Red, and how he managed to escape by using the awesome power of love.

Intro

Guyinprisonsuckerlol

Shelton in a prison cell, wishing he had kept his 12-guage shotgun unloaded and hidden from plain sight.

The story begins when Shelton comes home and finds his wife cheating on him with another man. Angered by this, he goes crazy. But not just plain old crazy, or even psychotic crazy; he went "Super Extremely Uber Mega Ultra Aggressively Psychotic Insanely Apeshit Crazy". And unfortunately, this led him to do something horrible to her that cost him up to 99 years in prison. In other words, he's going to a permanent home in a prison farm named "Georgia's Inescapable Prison", located near the Florida state line.

Ol' Red

Ol' red himself

Ol' Red himself

“You can consider yourself mighty lucky to get past the gators and the quicksand beds. But all these years that I've been here, ain't nobody got past Red.”
~ Shelton on the fact that nobody can escape Ol' Red.

Fast-forward to two years later. Shelton has managed to befriend the warden his friend by buying him beer, buying donuts from Krispy Kreme, giving him tickets to see Ke$ha live in concert, and singing a better version of Lady Gaga's hit song Telephone. And for these kind things the warden sentenced Shelton to a life of ease, taking care of Ol' Red! Shelton's new job was to bath Ol' Red, take him for walks, and even playing poker with him.

Now Ol' Red was something special; he was a bloodhound, and bloodhounds have the gift of skillful tracking, with a nose that can smell a trail two-days old(They can actually smells trails for up to 12 days, ). Once a prisoner escapes, Ol' Red would sniff the escapee's scent from a shirt or a stained matress (gross!), and lead the warden and other guards to track down the guy and send his butt back to prison. Considering him a four legged tracking machine, Shelton stated Ol' Red was "the damnedest dog that I've ever seen." And these facts are not to be laughed at, when it comes to Ol' Red, there was no way to get past him.

During his free time, the warden would sing out loud to prisoners; tempting them to make a run for it. He even kept the prison gates open, gave the guards a week of vacation, and left keys close to prison cells so prisoners could reach them and escape. The stupider prisoners would often take the bait and make a run for it. Ol' Red was waiting to track them down. The smarter prisoners would not fall for this, and would rather settle down in the prison until their time was served. But Shelton had a life long sentence, and knew leaving this prison would be impossible for him.

The Plan

One night, after taking Ol' Red for his evening run, Shelton was in his cell, depressed, partially drunk, and crying despite the fact that prisoners don't normally cry (because they try to look tough so that no one think they're sissies). He said to himself, "I wish I hadn't blew my top off that day. sniff I get what I deserved. If only I knew the woman who was my wife was a double crossing bitch, I wouldn't be in this mess in the first place. sniff That's what happens when you love something; you focus on it so much you let your guard down, and you don't know what's going on..." And in that moment, Shelton got an idea. An awful idea. Shelton had a wonderful, awful idea.

He pulled himself together, grabbed a piece of paper and pencil, and came up with a plan. Forty minutes went by, and when he put the pencil down, read the wonderfully, awfully yet full-proofully plan he had written. "It's crazy," he said to himself. "It's so crazy, it just might work!" He cheered in excitement, until the nightguard told him to keep it down. He slept that night with happiness, with the fact in his mind that in a few days, he was busting outta there!

Plan in Action

BluetickCoonhound

Damn, she's smoking hot. I have a huge boner now.

The next day he wrote a letter for his cousin in Tennessee, paying off a guard to slip it into the mail. He asked his cousin to find the prettiest dog he could find. Three days later, be brought down a female bluetick coonhound (or blue tick hound for short). She was very pretty in all ways, shapes, and sizes; a bitch that no dog would resist. She was perfect for Shelton's plan. His cousin put her in a pen in a swampland about a mile south of the prison gate.

HOund dog big eyes

Ol' Red is amazed at the seriously beautiful bitch right in front of him. Who the fuck wouldn't be amazed?

That evening Shelton took Ol' Red out for a run. He went to the swampland where the blue tick hound was located. He dropped Ol' Red off, hid, and watched from a distance to see what would happen. He was happy with the result!

When Ol' Red saw the bitch, he was stricken with her beauty. His eyes popped out, his body was frozen stiff, and he had butterflies in his stomach. The other hound was also amazed with Ol' Red himself. It was love at first sight, exactly what Shelton anticipated. For the next few days he took Ol' Red to see his lady love every evening. He watched them have romantic dinners, saw them watching shooting stars together, and even listened as they sang love songs to each other.

Then Shelton activated the next step in his plan. He kept Ol' Red away from her for three or four days, until the time was right. This deeply affected Ol' Red. He was depressed, sad, and lonely. He whimpered at night, and howled in loneliness. Shelton felt bad for Ol' Red, but knew he wouldn't be that way for long!

The Escape

The next day, Shelton waited until the time was right to make his getaway. Shelton managed to leave the prison without being spotted, and made his run with the evening sun. When the warden realized that Shelton had made a run for it, he sounded the alarms, got his gun, and he and his men got ready to track him down. When Shelton heard the warden say on the bullhorn to let Ol' Red out, he smiled as he headed north to Tennessee, knowing what would happen. When Ol' Red was brought out, he knew he had the chance to see his lovely lady again, so he had the choice to either track the escapee or to track his lady hound. Finally, he said to himself, "Fuck chasing him, I'm going to see my girl" and instead of heading north where Shelton was heading, Ol' Red headed south towards the swampland where his lady waited, anxious to see him as well.

Shelton, meanwhile, managed to bypass the gators and the quicksand with ease. When he looked back, he saw that he was not being followed, just as he'd anticipated. He crossed the gate, and cheered to himself on doing the impossible. He was a free man again! Meanwhile the warden and his men followed Ol' Red to catch Shelton, who unbeknown to them had just outsmarted them. When they came to the swampland, the warden realized that Ol' Red wasn't seeking Shelton; they have been tricked. While Ol' Red was excited about seeing his lovely female hound, the prison staff attempted to look for Shelton. But since he was nowhere to be found, they faced the terrible fact that he escaped. The warden, in shock that his friend managed to pass even Ol' Red, said to himself, "That son of a bitch actually did it. I'll be damned."

Aftermath

“Now there's red haired blue ticks all in the South. Love got me in here and love got me out”
~ Shelton on his success at both love and freedom

After escaping prison, Shelton kept going for quite awhile, as he was a fugitive. He spent some time hidden from plain sight, then had an idea. He should write a song about what he had done! After spending about 60 minutes writing it, and checking for spelling and seeing if it was good or not, he was proud of what he had written. After playing it in front of neighbors and seeing that they clearly loved the song, he decided, "Hell, why don't I do business in the country music busiess? I can make alot of money from that."

Fogetting the fact that he was a fugitive, he made his first album named after himself, and he became famous in just a few weeks. Unfortuantly this led to him being founded (a word meaning "hounded" and "found") by the government, and he got a little visit from the FBI. But lucky for him, because his song, Ol' Red, was so incredibly good and was very famous, the FBI, with authorization from the President, stated he would be a free man only if he preformed the song in every concert he performed, and his sentence is to last as long as his music career lasts. Shelton agreed, and up to this day he performs the song everytime he is in concert, and does not grow tire of it; if the fans enjoy it, he enjoys it. He and the warden are still good friends, and they still make better versions of Lady Gaga's songs. He also made more albums, got married again, and divorced (at least he didn't kill her this time), and is now engaged again (please don't kill her).

The Georgia's Inescapable Prison was later renamed Georgia's Inescapable Except That One Time Prison. The prison stated "Because an escape from here can only be done by a stroke of sheer genius, such an incident would not likely happen again." But just to be sure, the prison was remodeled to include sniper towers, guns with thermal scopes, and large attack helicopters.

Ol' Red and his companion later had puppies of there own, puppies who look like both their parents. Shelton and Ol' Red visit each other from time to time. When asked about how he feels about Shelton, Ol' Red said in his dog language, "He may be be one smart son of a bitch to get past me, but without him, I would have never got the chance to meet my lady and have the life I have now. He's good at singing and a pretty cool guy. He jus needs to watch his anger."

So typically, everone in the story lives happily ever after, except the guy who Shelton's first wife cheated with, who was abducted by aliens just last Tuesday and his disected body was found this morning. But everyone else, have a happy life!

Song

Singin dogs

Dogs, like these two, also love the song. THey will sing it whenever they hear it on the radio

The song was based of the story above, and is quite catchy:

Cquote1 Well I caught my wife with another man

And it cost me ninety nine On a prison farm in Georgia Close to the Florida line. Well, I'd been here for two long years I finally made the warden my friend, And so he sentenced me to a life of ease Taking care of Ol Red.

Now Ol' Red he's the damnedest dog that I've ever seen, Got a nose that can smell a two day trail. He's a four legged tracking machine You can consider yourself mighty lucky To get past the gators and the quicksand beds, But all these years that I've been here Ain't nobody got past Red.

And the warden sang Come on somebody Why don't you run, Ol' Red's itchin' to have a little fun! Get my lantern Get my gun, Red'll have you treed before the mornin' comes

Well I paid off the guard and I slipped out a letter To my cousin up in Tennessee, Oh and he brought down a blue tick hound She was pretty as she could be. Well they penned her up in the swampland 'Bout a mile just south of the gate And I'd take Ol' Red for his evening run I'd just drop him off and wait.

And the warden sang Come on somebody Why don't you run, Ol' Red's itchin' to have a little fun! Get my lantern Get my gun, Red'll have you treed before the mornin' comes.

Now Ol' Red got real used to seeing His lady every night, And so I kept him away for three or four days And waited till the time got right. Well I made my run with the evenin' sun And I smiled when I heard 'em turn Red out 'Cause I was headed north to Tennessee And Ol' Red was headed south.

And the warden sang Come on somebody Why don't you run, Ol' Red's itchin' to have a little fun! Get my lantern Get my gun, Red'll have you treed before the mornin' comes.

Now there's red haired blue ticks all in the South, Love got me in here and love got me out.

Cquote2

Critical Reception

Ol' Red met immediate attention the split second it was released. It is highly considered the best country song ever to exist, and as of 2010 there has not been a country song that can top this one. Those who disagree do not dare criticize the song for fear of causing an aproar and/or getting their testicles crushed. It is often covered by other musicians, even those outside of country music. For some reason it did not reach the Top-Ten, but is one of Blake Shelton's most requested song's in concert, and one of his top hits. Because of this, along with the fact almost the entire universe loves it, and the fact he is required by the FBI as part of his sentence to sing it, he consider's it to be his signature song. Who wouldn't?

Music Video

The music video was directed by Peter Zavadil, whoever that is.

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