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Mah State of Oklahomo
|Motto: Oklahoma is Adequate!|
|Anthem: None, as music is illegal.|
It's that state with the long bit
|‑ Vize-Führer||Joseph McCarthy|
|National Hero(es)||Jared "Ping" Johnson, meth pioneer|
Honey Boo Boo
|State bird||Cross-eyed guttersnipe|
|National sport(s)||OU football|
talking about OU football
Talking about firing Bob Stoops
“It is most curious that the well-armed belligerent peoples of Texas and Oklahoma are saved from mutual annihilation by something as insignificant as the Red River.”
“Ooooooooooklahoma, where the wind comes sweepin'...”
The Persistent Vegetative State of Oklahoma, more commonly referred to as Yokelahoma, and Choctaw for White Man Build Sonic Drive-In Here, was founded in 1889 by a passel of idiot homesteaders who jumped the federal starting gun. Before its induction into the United States, Fletcher Henderson forced the Cherokee tribe from their lands in the southeast U.S. to Oklahoma. This resulted in the Trail of Tears, named for the Cherokees' reaction upon being told that they were headed to Oklahoma. The strangest occurrence in state history was the Land Run of 1889, where people willingly inhabited the state instead of moving out. Settlers who crossed the state line before the land run started were known as "Sooners", becoming the first illegal immigrants to Oklahoma, and being revered throughout the state, while illegal immigrants from Mexico are not. God, angered by this illegal immigration, gave the state the Dust Bowl and unbearable weather, which is, at best, concurrently schizophrenic and bipolar.
In order to train for the manned Mars mission, NASA is sending astronauts to Oklahoma for a year so they can get used to isolation, red dust, and otherworldly weather patterns that attempt to kill you by any means necessary regardless of the season. If the astronauts return, a test mission is planned where a Mars lander will touch down in Del City, get burgers and a Java Chiller from Sonic, and return to Kennedy Space Center.
In Oklahoma, you are either Christian, dead, or Indian; as many of the older guard will have it, if you aren't the former, you are both of the latter. College football is supreme in Oklahoma -- almost as supreme as the rule of law. And the rule of law is infallible. Which is why you will find an actual, honest-to-God law preventing the owner of a bar from allowing his patrons to simulate sex with a buffalo. And also a law against allowing that buffalo to wear boots on its hind legs while you pretend to fuck it (its front legs are presumably fair game). You may not read a comic book while operating a motor vehicle, you may not transport fish in a fishbowl on a public bus, and, if you're a dog who wishes to congregate in a group with two or more other dogs, God help you if you don't have a permit from the mayor.
Of course, Oklahoma is not nearly as restrictive as those evil Blue-State weenies will have you believe: sex is only illegal outside of marriage, and while oral sex is a misdemeanor (punishable by a single year in jail and a paltry $2,500 fine), all you gents out there can fuck yourself a nice, sweet, under-18-year-old girl, so long as she's a virgin. Oklahoma!
A popular Oklahoman tradition in early November is to gather with family and friends at the ballot box, locate the most corrupt, lobby-financed politician, and vote for him. This tradition, which has come to be known as the Re-Electing of the Incumbents, is traditionally followed by a festive meal of burgers at Sonic and the traditional Shooting of Beer Bottles at the End of the Driveway with any suitable handgun, although a double-barreled 12-guage will do in a pinch.
Oklahoma is stuck next to Texas tighter than a bull's ass during fly season. It is the sworn duty of any natural-born Oklahoman to hate Texas with all one's might; Oklahomans regularly patrol the Red River with shotguns and cases of Oklahoma's notorious low-point beer, which repels even the most toughened Texan. But any Texan whose shit-to-brains ratio is high enough to attempt a crossing of the Red River will invariably underestimate the fact that cow shit is less dense than cowboy, and drown before reaching the Oklahoma side.
Oklahoma used to be populated exclusively by fleas and ticks in the 19th century. Thankfully, Lassie and Little Boy with Stick came around and showed all the insects the principles of Manifest Destiny, and after a brief skirmish, which claimed the lives of the Wise Flea, Grandmaster Tick, and various pagan tribes of aboriginal elves as well as General Custer, Oklahoma was registered as inhabitable by settlers. Present day Oklahoma has been turned into a giant Indian casino run by illegal immigrants posing as the ancient Indian tribe, the "taco bells".
Oklahoma grew by leaps and bounds as many settlers passed through en route to Hell, on the River Styx (also known as the Red River). Sadly, their boats malfunctioned, and so they were stranded in a strange state. Some of them banded together and formed towns like Oklahoma City, Tulsa and Adair. Many others, however, perished, unmourned and unremembered. Shame.
Led by Mad Mary Falling, also known as Back-Seat Mary, the state of Oklahoma supports a population of around three million people, and approximately six million cows. Oklahoma was admitted to the Union in 1907; however, as of 2013, this is something Oklahoma will not bring itself to admit. 'Tis a horrid, heat-blasted place, filled to the brim with angry Christians, angry Indians, country music, and double-wides. As they say, if the trailer is rockin', don't come a-knockin'...because it's probably a prayer meeting, and the pastor packs a shotgun for trespassers.
Oklahoma prides itself on being Kansas, only with better football teams, and being Arkansas, only with more Wal-Marts. There is around one Wal-Mart per .01 mile; in some locations the Wal-Mart buildings have actually fused together, and it is possible to enter one Wal-Mart through the restroom of the other.
In a stroke of genius that inspires confidence in modern-day air travelers, both of Oklahoma City's airports — Will Rogers World Airport and Wiley Post Airport — were named for two men who died in the same fucking plane crash. All tornadoes are issued a PikePass and a map showing the most direct route to Deer Creek, Moore, and every trailer park in a 100 mile radius. Ottawa County, Oklahoma, is the best place in the world to murder someone, because there are large mine shafts everywhere, and nobody checks 'em. I know. I checked.
A pointless list of Oklahoma cities
There are numerous cities in Oklahoma. However, a majority of them do not support life; the rest are listed as "expendable" in the state List of Towns to Protect in the Event of a Nuclear Holocaust. Here are a few:
- Agra: One lonely anthill, a few scorpions, and some roadside litter.
- Ardmore: A decent little city with two full school districts for a population of 25,000.
- Bartlesvile: A town that had the highest per capita income in the US in the 80's (home of Phillips Petroleum), but now boasts the highest per capita of Deadheads who still live with their parents.
- Beaver - Cowchip Capitol of the World, complete with annual World Championship cowchip throwing competitions.
- Bixby: A place where time stops at midnight. If you are impartial to being devoured by ravenous chiggers, this is a place to avoid.
- Choctaw - Like most of Oklahoma's cities, it bears the name of an Indian tribe. However, it has a large German populous and an Oktoberfest festival in September.
- Collinsville - On Wednesdays, the air is redolent of the wonderful scent of rotten horse meat.
- Del City - Midwest City slums.
- Drumright - Inspiration for Mike Judge's "Idiocracy."
- Enid: Famous for being "dine" spelled backward.
- Eufaula - Not so proud home of the only Black Republican congressman in Oklahoma
- Henryetta - Need sex? Got crank? Call Shary Lewis; her phone number is on the wall of the McDonald's men's restroom.
- Hooker - Giggle, giggle.
- Lawton - A city in southern Oklahoma whose blandness is only exceed by its crime rate.
- Midwest City - BOMBERS!!!
- Moore: Another suburb of Oklahoma City. The water tower claims Moore to be the proud home of Toby "Big Dog Up-Yer-Butt Daddy" Keith. Smells like a toilet at a high school football game.
- Mountain View - Don't blink or you'll miss—
- Muskogee - A place where even squares can have a ball, according to Merle Haggard.
- Oklahoma City - The state capital, and also the nation's highest density of telephone poles and power lines.
- Slapout - Home to the Slapout State University Tigerrabbits!
- Wynnie Wood - Check out the oil refinery!
GOD DAMN IT
In Oklahoma, sports are considered a masculine activity. If you are female and don't plan to cheerlead or be a spectator, stop reading because you really need to be in the kitchen getting your husband a beer. Your husband is also most likely a close relative.
Oklahoma has no NFL team because tornadoes (and Jesus) patrol the state line protecting any encroachment on the popularity of the beloved college football franchises.
In Division I-A college sports, the state of Oklahoma has the Chokelahomo Spooners and the Chokelahomo State Cowgirls. And Tulsa, but we don't talk about Tulsa. However, nobody cares about any other college sport besides football in Oklahoma. Therefore, Oklahoma seems to have dominated Oklahoma State. However, the Cowboys seem to be on the rise with infinite funding from Lord T. Boone Pickens and ranting skills from Mike Gundy, who is a man, and as of 2007, was 40. The Oklahoma Sooners get a majority of their best players from Texas because so few people actually live in Oklahoma.
The Oklahoma City Yard Dawgz was a minor league arena football franchise that was founded in 2004 by former University of Oklahoma football head coach Barry Switzer. Other Oklahoma minor league footballs franchise include Tulsa Talons, Oklahoma Outlaws, Bricktown Brawlerz, and the Oklahoma In-Laws (a rarity since everyone is inbred). Franchises are proud of their names and the feat of seating an average of 26 per game.
Women's football team: the Tulsa Black Widows (formerly Tornado, formerly OK City, Oklahoma Tornado, Oklahoma City Lightning, and was the Oklahoma Cowbelles) is the same one despite the name changes and different towns they played in. They get chased out by male chauvinists who came to see football cheerleaders, not stereotypical lesbians who actually played good in every home game.
In other "football" notes, the 1970s Tulsa Roughnecks of the North American Soccer League were the only major league "football" team in Oklahoma's history. Thanks to Hispanics (and I mean Mexicans, not Texans) moving into the state, they brought in enough enthusiasm to the Major League Soccer to examine in putting an expansion team in Oklahoma in the year 2015.
During the 2005-2006 and 2006-2007 seasons, the New Orleans Hornets relocated to Oklahoma City due to Hurricane Katrina. They returned to New Orleans in 2007 because Oklahoma City was "a bigger shithole than New Orleans just AFTER the hurricane."
In 2008, a giant tornado that originated in Oklahoma swept the Pacific Northwest. It captured the Seattle Supersonics and returned to Oklahoma, landing in Oklahoma City. Having no way to leave, the franchise was renamed the Oklahoma City Thunder in honor of Aubrey Mcclendon's wife's giant ass. The city of Seattle and the team mourned for two weeks.
In 2009, the WNBA (more ladies in pro sports, oh noes) put the Tulsa Shock franchise in the Bok Center.
In 2010, the Final Four placed a game in OK City's Ford Center. Who won? NE OK Cherokees over the SW OK Comanche.
Soon in 2011, the Indian Nations of Oklahoma enter the 2012 Summer Olympics. They defeated the US women's team, LOL. They are a soveriegn nation after all.
The Oklahoma City RedHawks are a minor league baseball team located in the Bricktown section of Oklahoma City. The attendance level for a RedHawks game is slightly more than an arena football game. Formerly the '89ers, they didn't like to be called the "69'ers" and "Stupid whiners".
The Tulsa Drillers are another team made up of washed out major leaguers in the minor leagues (this is AA-level Texas League, thank God they aren't the AAA-level Pacific Coast league). The two would meet in a pissing contest to see who can aim high... and none of them can.
THE NCAA college baseball teams in Oklahoma State, Univershitty of Chokelahomo, University of Tulsa, the Oral Roberts University, the Shawnee Baptist College and some Indian tribal college teams apart from the whites. Separate but equal.
The Elk City Elkes of the Jayhawk League. Semi-collegiate level ball team. A bunch of high school kids inable to even play in the minor leagues. They lose a game once to the Choctaw Nation baseball team, and another to the Creeks. Ok, don't get Gay, get Creek. Frat party hazing!
The Oklahoma City Blazers were part of the Central Hockey League until they folded operations just after the 2008-09 season. Their name derived from cultivators of the state's main cash crop, marijuana. It was a Blazer tradition to light up a joint after each victory, which mutually benefited the concession stands that stock Doritos. The Blazers no longer exist because someone came to their senses and decided that hillbillies armed with big sticks was a bad idea.
This sport involves a surplus of beer and a deficit of brains. First you buy the aforementioned beer. Second you find a muddy creek or lake shallow. Third you drink enough of said beer until you feel brave enough to go underwater, stick your hand in random holes in the water bottom, get the fish to SWALLOW YOUR HAND, and pull the fish out of the hole and the water. Fourth remove fish from hand and count fingers remaining. Fifth count them again using the Buddy System, and hope your buddy can count.