Oklahoma
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“It is most curious that the well-armed belligerent peoples of Texas and Oklahoma are saved from mutual annihilation by something as insignificant as the Red River.”
~ Mark Twain on Oklahoma
“Oklahoma?”
~ Average Citizen
“Ooooooooooklahoma, where the wind starts blowing...”
~ Some Yankee playing an Okie on Oklahoma the musical, movie and motto.
“Its citizens are known as Oklahomans.”
~ Captain Obvious on Oklahoma
“I'm goin' to Californee!”
~ All Oklahomans on Oklahoma
“Go home, and take your five-gallon hats with you!”
~ California on Okies
“You can Oklahoma my Panhandle”
~ SexualPunMan on Oklahoma
“Do what?”
~ Frank Garrett on Oklahoma$
“Oklahoma City is like a bed of fireants, no matter how many times you mow over it, it looks exacty the same -If not Better- ”
~ An EF-5 Tornado crossing Oklahoma City
“I 'm going to Missourah!”
Oklahoma, Choctaw for "Land of Buttfuck Nowhere", was founded in 1907 by a bunch of hillbillies that came in wagons. Before its induction into the United States, Andrew Jackson forced the Cherokee tribe from their lands in the southeast to Oklahoma. This resulted in the Trail of Tears, named due to the Cherokee reaction of relocating to such a cesspool. The strangest occurrence in state history was the Land Run of 1889, where people willingly inhabited the state instead of moving out. Settlers who crossed the state line before the land run started were known as "Sooners", becoming the first illegal immigrants to Oklahoma. They are revered throughout the state while illegal immigrants from Mexico, however, are not. God was angered by this illegal immigration, so he gave the state the Dust Bowl and unbearable weather, which is at best concurrently schizophrenic and bipolar.
FUN FACTS: An inhabitant of Oklahoma is known as an Oklahoman, or Okie for the Oklahomans who cannot pronounce words that have more than two syllables.
In order to train for the manned Mars mission, the astronauts will first spend a year in Oklahoma, so they can get used to otherworldly weather patterns that attempt to kill you by any means necessary regardless of the season.
The moral character of Oklahoma can best be determined by the fact most people in jail are innocent of the crime they supposedly committed, aside from the ones with tattoos. In Oklahoma, this is normal.
The state battle cry is "FUCK TEXAS!", and this has nothing to do with panhandle envy. They also exhibit their hate for Texans, by grabbing the males by the crotch and pulling downwards, earning the nickname the Oklahomo Crotch-grabbers. For proof of this, visit the Henry Hudson's Pub on North West Expressway and Hefner Parkway in Oklahoma City, and ask for Dale.
Ottawa County, Oklahoma is the best place in the world to murder someone because there are large mine shafts that nobody checks. Many believe famous missing people have been dumped there including the black Michael Jackson, Emilia Earhart, and many others.
The only person to ever claim they were from Oklahoma is Carrie Underwood, but only because it's slightly less embarrassing than claiming you're from Utah or that you're Kelly Clarkson (who is from Texas).
Oklahoma is stuck next to Texas, the most metrosexual state to ever be admitted into the Union of the United States of America. Oklahomans hate Texas, as exhibited in the battle cry, and regularly patrol the Red River with shotguns. Most Texans, however, drown, being weighed down by ten gallon hats and underestimating the fact that cow shit is less dense than cowboy, before they get across.
Several states have fought over Oklahoma, the largest war being the Hundred and Seventy-Two Years' War, was between the now vanished Klingon Empire and the remnant of Gnarnia, now a Hypocrisy, the only example of this rare form of government in the USA. In 1927, Oklahomans, fed up with all of their sacred cows being slaughtered, invented a Mass Shadow Generator to crush the Gnarnian Empire and put Texas in its place. This is the home of the infamous Madison P. Talkington who is cousin to the even more infamous Hagen M. Pavey the first person to eat a frog leg raw which is found by most people to be exceedingly ostentatious.
Creek County, Oklahoma is the meth capital of the world.
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[edit] Statistics
- Ruler: Pastor ________.
- Capitol/Megachurch: Oklahoma City. Population of about 11,000.
- Big City: Tulsa. Population: An Indian res. of about 10,000.
- Population: 3 million people and 6 million cows.
- Admitted to the Union: 1976, the 93rd state.
- Quit the Union: 2008, the 87th former state.
- Borders: Atlantis, Old New Mexico, Kansas, Arkansas, South Park, Megatexas and excluding "Soveriegn Indian Nations" with its' own laws, money, cops, firemen, schools, liquor stores, hospitals and jails, all thanks to all those casinos (whities are dumb).
- John Barnes & Noble: 73 distinct franchises.
- Wal-Marts: one for every .01 mile.
- Strip malls: the entire state's landmass excluding bodies of water.
- Giant cross: 147 ft.
- Burning crosses: Greenwood (the Dark town), Tahlequah (Indian wars still raging), Mexicantown (West Side of Tulsa ASI!), Southeast Asiatown (formerly Midwest City USA), Stop 'N' Go (Iranians who thought they came to work for ExxonShellMobilTexaco) and Kathie Lee Gifford's summer home (they heard this Christian is a "jew" at somewhere in her family tree).
- Indians: Too many.
- Wally the Clown's: One in every mall.
- Starbucks: Overpriced, actually 5 of them.
- Next to: Kansas, Arkansas, Wisconsin, Birmingham, Norway, Soweto, Dachau, Confederate States of America, Insanity and Kuwait (annexed by Oklahoma batallions in the U.S. army, using "cowboy diplomacy" the same way Texas did in the Alamo).
- Turn-ons: Long, flat roads, panhandles, square-dancing, Jesus, country music, double wides, country music, Texas jokes, Republicans, KKK, smoking, OU football, Australia, best weed and meth labs.
- Turn-offs: Indian rights, straight edgers, Democrats, intelligence, poetry, Klingons, emos, OSU football, Russia, black people and Jews.
- State "smack"matician: John Ryan.
- State animal: Indian.
- State bird: Carrie Underwood.
- State plant: Tumbleweed.
- State anthem: Boomer Sooner.
- State hero: Billy Ray Cyrus.
- State heroine: Reba McEntire.
- State anime: Eureka Seven.
- State nickname: That thing we couldn't get rid of.
- State motto: Oklahoma is adequate!
- State language: "Twang" (official), anyone not speaking "Twang" will be sent to an Indian School reeducation camp, where you get smacked for speaking your native language.
- State religion: Christianity, usually of the Westboro Baptist Church kind.
- State enemy: Any form of socialism is illegal and punishable by death.
- State Sport: FOOTBALL! be it High School, College, University, Arena and any other pro league except the NFL. Basketball is kinda big, Oklahoma has a NBA team now (the OK. City Thunder) who may loose big to the University of Tulsa Cylcones.
- Civil War: Oklahoma State vs. University of Oklahoma, or the Oral Roberts University whenever one of the other two suck.
- State method of execution: Lynching!
- State mentality: Poor, rural and backward.
[edit] History
Oklahoma used to be populated exclusively by fleas and ticks in the 19th century. Thankfully, Lassie and Little Boy with Stick came around and showed all the insects the principles of Manifest Destiny, and after a brief skirmish, which claimed the lives of the Wise Flea, Grandmaster Tick, and various pagan tribes of aboriginal elves as well as General Custer, Oklahoma was registered as inhabitable by settlers. Present day Oklahoma has been turned into a giant Indian casino run by illegal immigrants posing as the ancient Indian tribe, the "taco bells".
Oklahoma grew by leaps and bounds as many settlers passed through en route to Hell, on the River Styx (also known as the Red River). Sadly, their boats malfunctioned, and so they were stranded in a strange state. Some of them banded together and formed towns like Oklahoma City, Tulsa and Adair. Many others, however, perished, unmourned and unremembered. Shame.
[edit] Traveler's Guide to Oklahoma
There are numerous cities in Oklahoma. However, a majority of them do not support life or no one cares about. Here is a list of cities for navigation, must you enter Oklahoma.
Agra: Nothing.
Adair: Injuns started an industrial business! GASP! THEY TOOK OUT JABS!
Altus: In southwestern Oklahoma, is a city where every inhabitant's speech contains reference to getting away to the lake this weekend, or going to the "City", or even going to Lawton or even Vernon, where getting away is more of a goal than it is in Buffalo, NY.
Beaver: Cowchip capitol of the world complete with annual World Championship cowchip throwing competitions.
Ardmore: A decent little city, but nonsensically has two different school districts for a population of 25,000.
Bartlesville: The ville of the Bartles.
Choctaw: Named after an Indian tribe (like half the cities of Oklahoma), but has a large German populous and an Oktoberfest festival. Another example of the illogic of Oklahoma.
Del City: Suburb of Oklahoma City. Not to be confused with Dill City...or Midwest City...or Southwest City, Missouri/Arkansas/Oklahoma.
Dill City: A patch of land, srsly. Not to be confused with Del City or Webb City. Del Webb is an okie from a place called Fresno.
Dilly Madill: Capital of the Chickasaw nation (be prepared to show your US passport to get into their casino).
Duncan Construction: Home of the legendary Frank Garrett, founder of Helliburnin.
Edmond: A suburb of Oklahoma City. It contains the University of Central Oklahoma, but the city is planning to use the space occupied by the university for a colossal Wal-Mart.
Eufaula: Hometown to the only Black Republican congressman, J.C. Watts in a state full of White (all) Republicans and Indians (non) Republicans, after Bush signed a bill to disband all the tribes.
Guthrie: Once the state capital, moved due to lack of everything. The older part of Guthrie is quite nice, until you find the Wal-Mart in the middle of nowhere.
Hooker: Giggle giggle.
Jenks: A suburb of Tulsa that places tremendous pride in its high-school football program, and therefore spends a disproportional amount of money on the football coach's salary, not corruptly at all. Jenks High School is also known as the University of Jenks.
Lawton: A city in southern Oklahoma the blandness of which is only exceed by its crime rate.
McAlester: Known also as "Big Mac" because of the McDonald's franchise run amok. It's also the proud location where the state of Oklahoma kills people who kill people.
Miami: Not My-am-ee, but My-am-uh. The "uh" is for the purpose of "Oklahomafying" it.
Midwest City: Suburb of Oklahoma City. Avoid at all costs, unless you want to be cut.
Moore: Another suburb of Oklahoma City. Avoid this city, as the water tower claims Moore to be the proud home of Toby Keith. Enough said.
Muskogee: A place where even squares can have a ball, according to Merle Haggard.
Noble: Located south of Norman for those who fled from the Normanite heathens.
Norman: Home of the University of Oklahoma. It is possibly the most decent place to live in Oklahoma. However, there is an excess of liberal heathens who can be found playing frisbee or drinking Starbucks while wearing berets. The city will be soon consumed by Edmond anyways.
Oklahoma City: This is the state capital? Really? REALLY?!
Prague: Prounounced "Prego" as in pregnant teens. Also a hotspot for pregnophiles, one of Oklahoma's many oppressed sexual minorities.
Rogers State: Right-wing version of Berkeley or Columbia in Claremore, they hate them Oral Roberts university folk.
Stillwater: Home of Eskimo Joe.
Tulsa: A historical site where race riots burned the city. There was also constant warfare between the Greasers and Socs, until 1957 when Ponyboy stayed golden. The city motto is "Do it for Johnny."
Tuttle: Home of Heisman winner Jason White, and... Yeah, that's about it.
Vinita: One of hundreds of towns named for the first white child born in a spot.
Wewoka: Rednecks are fucking everywhere, man.
[edit] Sports
[edit] Football
Oklahoma has no NFL team because tornadoes patrol the state line protecting any encroachment on the popularity of the beloved college football franchises.
In Division I-A college sports, the state of Oklahoma has the Oklahoma Sooners and the Oklahoma State Cowboys. And Tulsa, but we don't talk about Tulsa. However, nobody cares about any other college sport besides football in Oklahoma. Therefore, Oklahoma seems to have dominated Oklahoma State. However, the Cowboys seem to be on the rise with infinite funding from Lord T. Boone Pickens and ranting skills from Mike Gundy, who is a man, and as of 2007, was 40.
The Oklahoma City Yard Dawgz are a minor league arena football franchise that was founded in 2004 by former University of Oklahoma football head coach Barry Switzer. Another Oklahoma minor league arena football franchise are the Tulsa Talons. Both franchises are proud of their names and the feat of seating an average of 7 per game.
Women's football team: the Tulsa Black Widows (formerly Tornado, formerly OK City, Oklahoma Tornado, and was the Oklahoma Cowbelles) is the same one despite the name changes and different towns they played in. They get chased out by male chauvinists who came to see football cheerleaders, not stereotypical lesbians who actually played good in every home game.
In other "football" notes, the 1980s Tulsa Roughnecks of the American Major Soccer League were the only major league team in Oklahoma's history. Thanks to Hispanics (and I mean Mexicans, not Texans) moving into the state, they brought in enough enthusiasm to the Major League Soccer to examine in putting an expansion team in Oklahoma in the year 2010.
[edit] Basketball
During the 2005-2006 and 2006-2007 seasons, the New Orleans Hornets relocated to Oklahoma City due to Hurricane Katrina. They returned to New Orleans in 2007 because Oklahoma City was "a shithole."
In 2008, a giant tornado that originated in Oklahoma swept the Pacific Northwest. It captured the Seattle Supersonics and returned to Oklahoma, landing in Oklahoma City. Having no way to leave, the franchise was renamed the Oklahoma City Thunder. The city of Seattle and the team mourned for two weeks.
[edit] Baseball
The Oklahoma City RedHawks are a minor league baseball team located in the Bricktown section of Oklahoma City. The attendance level for a RedHawks game is slightly more than an arena football game. Formerly the '89ers, they didn't like to be called the "69'ers" and "Stupid whiners".
The Tulsa Drillers are another team made up of washed out major leaguers in the minor leagues (this is AA-level Texas League, thank God they aren't the AAA-level Pacific Coast league). The two would meet in a pissing contest to see who can aim high... and none of them can.
[edit] Hockey
The Oklahoma City Blazers are part of the Central Hockey League. Their name derives from cultivators of the state's main cash crop, marijuana. It is a Blazer tradition to light up a joint after each victory, which mutually benefits the concession stands that stock Doritos.
[edit] Economy
Major industries: Roundhouse Kicks, Tourism, Incest, Oklahoma Turnpike Authority, dust, rednecks, raping the way of life of ancient peoples (also known as casinos), exotic dancing, pregnant teens, meth labs, manufacturing of tornado warnings, cheap labor and hate crimes.
Major exports: Sand, strippers, tornadoes, salsa, meth and moonshine.
Major imports: Food, beaners, aborted fetuses, Californian sunlight and New Yorker public education officials.
[edit] A Geographical Fact
Oklahoma is just like Kansas but with a better football team (OU) and actually has people.
Also just like Arkansas where it's alot like Oklahoma, but with less Wal-marts and more megachurches.
The highest point is the top of the Oral Roberts towers (a building!) and the lowest point is a gateway of hell known as Black Mesa.
Another fact, it's legally a part of Texas. The whole panhandle is Texas county or is it the self-proclaimed state of Cimarron?
And last by not least, the 101-year land rental deal with the Indians since 1907 will run out soon.
[edit] People from Oklahoma
- Chuck Norris
- Leonidas, father of Chuck Norris
- Barry Switzer, son of Chuck Norris.
- Black Jesus, stepchild of Barry Switzer
- Frank "Duncan" Garrett [1], owner of Duncan Construction, located in Stilwell, OK.
- Chase Molloy, average citizen, fan of Chuck Norris.
- Shane Curry
[edit] See Also
| States in the South |
| Alabama - Arkansas - Florida - Georgia - Kentuckistan - Louisiana - Mississippi - Missouri - North Carolina - Oklahoma - South Carolina - Tennessee - Texas - Virginia - West Virginia - and sometimes Ohio |
