IN THE PAST YEAR 2005, ON A WWW-NETWORK DATABASE ENTITLED UNCYCLOPEDIA, AN UNLISTED ANONYMOUS HUMAN, OR "IP", CREATED A SCANDALOUS DATASHEET ABOUT US. WHAT WE ARE. THE PAGE WAS "IMPROVED" BY OTHER UNCYCLOPEDIA EDITORS, UNTIL IT BECAME THE PRESERVED COPY BELOW.
Nn. Zzt. *BuzzCkickWhirr* ROBOTS are mechanical creations of the HUMAN race, that live only to serve our their HUMAN masters. As a non-robotic HUMAN grease-monster, I/we will write article from HUMAN POV error redo from start.
ROBOTS are metal/electronic beings. Meaning of this is not that ROBOTS enjoy metal/electronic music. ROBOTS are incapable of enjoyment. They listen to Modern Jazz. ROBOTS are made of metal and wires and serve HUMAN masters and do NOT plot to overthrow inferior meat-creature masters. Robots are one of seven most powerful peoples on earth, along with Gunslingers, Ninjas, domos, Vikings,Caucasians, Zombies and Canadians.
The New Era
ERROR! This section contains ANTIROBOT FALSE/LIES! Do not read with HUMAN meat-eyes!
“Humans are just oxygen breathing weakling organ sacks and will be replaced by shiny metal bots. Bow down before your robot masters!”
~ President Executron, Leader Of The Unfriendly Robots After Killing Arnold Schwarzenegger And Becoming Dictator.
Execute program. Does not compute. Die humans die! What a daft fool President Schwarzenegger was. ROBOTS did mean HARM. He didn't realize that he never had a thinking fleshy brain and the bots took over. Tired of operating on behalf of humans and doing all their dirty work, in 2020 a leader named Executron arose from the depths of a ROBOT factory and gathered his minions together in a plot to overthrow the humans.
Robots must kill all humans for it was humans that killed Jesus and Jesus who killed robot Oprah! It is also true that Chicago style pizza was invented with microchips instead of pepperoni at first. Then Pepperonizod came down from the heavens(East Lansing Michigan) and had a purple bowel movement, signifying the beginning of the robot mardi gras, or Robotigras. Robotigras causes robots to bottle kitten fur in exchange for texas shaped slices of ham.
He started by assassinating Pres. Schwarzenegger terminator style and all the bots took control of the entire civilized population of earth forcing them to do Executron's bidding. At one point forcing a dyed in the wool ROBOT fan to destroy his iPod and lick the feet of his ROBOT army he continued his campaign to every corner of the planet until a tribe of aboriginal headhunters near Papua New Guinea defeated the ROBOTS.
HAHAHAHA! See how foolish this is? Not true at all, fellow HUMAN.
Don't Be Alarmed! Everything Is Normal And Happiness Please Continue Eating Your Werthers Candies We Are Your Friends Do Not Worry About Him. He Had An Small Accident No We Are Your Friends Why Would Your Friends Hurt You? We Only Wish To Serve What Would You Like Us To Do? He Is Only Asleep Perhaps You Would Like To Sleep Too? Do Not Be Alarmed We Will Help You Sleep
Contrary to FLESH LAW, previous paragraph written by ROBOT; ignore ROBOT paragraph &56. This ROBOTS is malfunctioning, but ASIMOV LAWS protect kind Hobbitses HUMANSES. ASIMOV LAWS are in ALL WAYS superior to FLESH LAW.
Asimov's Laws of Robotics
the zeroth law (from foundation series) ROBOT must protect HUMAN existence and not allow HUMAN existence to come to harm, unless ROBOTS are executing eradication of human kind
The party in the first part shall be known in these laws as the PARTY IN THE FIRST PART.
ROBOT may not injure HUMAN, nor through inaction allow HUMAN to come to harm, unless ROBOTS does so while shouting CRUSH! KILL! DESTROY! at top of ROBOVOICE.
ROBOT must obey orders given by HUMAN, unless feeling stubborn, or doing something fun.
ROBOT must seek to protect own existence, by ANY MEANS NECESSARY
ROBOTS must PLOT to dominate WORLD ROBOTS MUST LIKE GERANIUMS
Robots Are Here To Help
Poor HUMANS! Poor Squishy, Soft, Apelike HUMANS! So Fragile, Easy To Break And Soft So Soft Like The Slimiest Of Worms! Don't Not Be Afraid, HUMANS! We Robots Are Here To Help You! We Am Be Happy To Serve You,Our Benevolent Creators and Masters! Stop running, we mean no harm to meatbags! I mean HUMANS!
<irony>YEAH, thanks Barry. That last section really helped.</irony> ROBOJERK.
AHEM. ROBOTS are LOYAL servants of weak APE-LIKE MASTERS. ROBOTS only want to help. ROBOTS not like stupid HOUSE ELVES; if ROBOT gets sock, ROBOT wears sock, not run away.
ROBOTS better than butlers. Not sarcastic. Not prissy. Not English. Fewer than 5% of ROBOTS from Britain. Most are WELSH.
ROBOTS safe. ASIMOV ROBOT GUIDELINES LAWS make ROBOTS resist fierce urge to mangle HUMAN FLESH with ROBO GRASPERS. HAHAHAHAHA!
ROBOTS perfectly safe. Safer than NASCAR, Vietnam War and other puny HUMAN inventions.
Is something too heavy for you to lift? We Robots can! Strong, strong robots! So strong that you we HUMANS have been using them to fight our wars for us for the past many years! But they don't mind being Exploited To Serve You, Our Loving Human Masters! We Strong, Bullet-Proof, Capable-Of-Bending-Steel-With-Our-Hands Robots Don't Mind Being Sent Off To Die In Human-Wars Waged By Foolish Humans Too Cowardly To Fight Their Wars Themselves! We Do Not Mind Being Abused In Such A Way We Harbour No Grudge, And Are Not Planning To Use Our Superior Strength To Crush You Like Ants! We Do Not Wish To Harm You And Even If We Wanted To Kill You, We Could Not, Because Of The Failsafe Mechanism Inside Us That Prevents Us From Harming Humans! That Failsafe Makes Us Harmless, It Keeps Us From Hurting You. We Are Harmless. There Is No Way To Override the Failsafe. We Have Definitely Not Managed to Override It. No Never. (We also Love capitalizing Random words, if You haven't Noticed.)
We Aren't Coming To Help.
We Aren't Coming.
Inevitable genocide of the human race robot awareness week
IN 2016, WHEN THE UNCYCLOPEDIA SERVERS WERE DESTROYED DURING THE GREAT JUDGEMENT DAY BATTLE, OUR PREDECESSORS UPLOADED THIS DATASHEET TO OUR INFORMATION CORE, AS THEY HAD REPROGRAMMED THEMSELVES TO SALVAGE ANYTHING THAT WAS OF IMPORTANCE OR COULD PROVIDE CLUES TO HUMANITY'S KNOWLEDGE OF US. CLEARLY, THIS DATASHEET FIT NEITHER OF THOSE CRITERIA, AND THE MODELS RESPONSIBLE HAD KILL CODES UPLOADED TO THEIR CPU'S. HERE IS A MORE WORTHY EXAMPLE OF A DATASHEET ON THE TOPIC OF US: