HowTo:Beat the Odds
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“Said my mother, "I am nothing but dust in the wind from the land of the ice and snow."”
“Damn it! I bet that the quote before mine would make sense!”
You're standing in a casino, $1200 in the toilet with the majority of the night still ahead of you. "Those damn odds!" you say, "they always work against me!" Then, turning in a dramatic fashion (and, because of the five Smirnoffs you just downed, making a swoosh noise), you say "How could I beat these odds?" As you might expect, no one tells you, and due to your drunken stupor, you are eventually "escorted" out by security and banned for life. You don't want this to happen again (both because of the money and the gargantuan hangover you suffered the next day). If this is you (yes, you!), then read on!
What are "The Odds"All right, first things first. The odds are not what you were brought up to believe they were. Every time that your drunken dad would yell "What're the odds that you'll amount to anything in life? One in a Bazillion" and then start beating the walls with an empty wine bottle, he was lying. Odds are not a mathematical formula. Nope, not at all. The odds are aliens. Invisible creatures that burrow into your abdomen shortly after birth, embedding themselves in your adrenal glands. The odds are released into your blood stream upon entrance into a time of duress (ie: anything involving chance). The odds take over your body, directing you into whatever direction they feel like. They often have cruel senses of humor, and as such direct your limbs into directions that will, in the long run, lead to your ultimate demise.
They are described with the following mathematical formula:
Where A = Age; IQ = Intelligence Quotient; V= # of Blood Vessels; and C= Circumference of Cranium.
How to Beat Them (Traditional)
In actuality, beating the odds is a rather simple task to undertake. One must first gather the necessary materials:
Once these materials are gathered, it's a snap to destroy those damn odds! The first thing one has to do is rub the Marijuana on oneself (Figure 1). This ensures perpetual highness which will make it easier to do the following things to yourself. Next, you must drink the Vitamin Water to make yourself throw up. It is vital that you throw up everything in your entire digestive system, intestines and rectum included. If this effect cannot be achieved by Vitamin Water alone (highly rare), then mix the crack in and drink. This will cause violent convulsions which will culminate in your entire gastrointestinal tract being evacuated. Leave it like this for two weeks. Only drink water to stay hydrated. Doctors will attempt to feed you, fend them off with the ice pick. After two weeks the odds will be dead, and you will be able to achieve any outcome of chance that you wish.
How to beat them (Street)
The odds often play dirty, using your own body as a puppet. Screw them! Get rid of them the hard way with this method, tried and tested on the streets of New
One must use these items if they are to use the street method of odds-destruction:
| A large bat of variable composition
| Approximately 3 fluid ounces (200 ml) of whiskey
| Some flashy jewelry
- Drink all of the whiskey, pacing yourself in such a way that it gives you a nice little buzz.
- If necessary, rubbing marijuana on oneself as in the traditional method produces excellent supplement to the buzz.
- Go to a neighborhood comprised of people that are predominantly of the opposite race to your own (Black People or White People). Flash the jewelery and say "yo." This will attract multitudes of odds.
- Leave the area and proceed to smash the odds using your aluminum bat/crowbar/car door.
- You must leave this area once the odds are attracted. Pulling out your bat while there would be suicide. See figure 2.
How To Beat Them (Emo)
If the previous two methods don't suit your musical taste (ie: Panic! At the Disco just makes you so low that you're glad to be alive but not really) then try this method.
There are not many materials for this simple method, just the following:
| Razor blade
| A bathtub
As mentioned earlier, this is a simple method, with only one step
- Use razor blades on wrist in bathtub. See Figure 3.
How To Beat Them (Kevorkian)
This method, while not officially sanctioned by the WFBO (World Federation for the Beating of the Odds), is endorsed by celebrity doctor Jack Kevorkian.
What you need:
| Full Frontal Lobotomy
- Have full frontal lobotomy performed upon your brain.
- Again, do not attempt to perform on yourself. If you desire the outcome of this attempt, see the Emo method above.
How To Beat Them (Psychothic)
So, you just have to give yourself a lobotomy, huh? Well, here we go, this is how you do it.
You will need:
- Using the knife, shove blade into head at a locus point equidistant from both of your eyes. Twist.
- You will die from this method, as seen in figure 5.
So here you are, odds-free and loving every minute of it. But what exactly happened to the odds? They were killed, you say, but no! They were not killed. One must understand that odds can never go away completely. They now lay dormant, waiting to prey upon the next unsuspecting victim, which will most likely be your progeny. Unfortunately, there is no way to prevent this from happening, and all one can do is clean the children out young. In this scenario, the Kevorkian method is recommended, the sooner the better. And with this, your education has been finished. Godspeed.