Octavarium

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For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Octavarium.
“Help, I am Trapped Inside an Octavarium”
~ Oscar Wilde on being trapped inside an Octavarium

An Octavarium is an entity in which one becomes trapped inside. Nobody knows what it looks like, apart from its evil creators - Dream Theater.

Once upon yonder, when its creators were high on prog rock and snorting Yes keyboard solos before breakfast, they began hatching an evil plan - one that would change the world as they knew it. The blueprints for Octavarium were printed on manuscript paper, and were later found on eBay, where they miraculously disappeared afer exactly 23 minutes and 58 seconds. The result was an entity so long in time and space that many lifetimes would pass and nothing would actually happen, only to be taken by surprise when the victim least expects it. One of the creators, James LaBrie became aware of its power and complexity and so campaigned to his fellow members to prevent the release of Octavarium. He was later speared by a Korean bass player. After 'the incident' the remaining members catapulted Octavarium into the atmosphere along with other unknown materials (which paled in comparison with Octavarium).

Some say the idea was a marvel of torture entertainment. Many worship Octavarium night and day and wish to create inferior clones, but they only make the original stronger and longer. Octavarium has claimed many lives - 666 this year.

Other evil progressive creationists have tried to imitate this masterpiece in design, however they have failed miserably and been cursed by Octavarium for the rest of their afterlives.

A film is to be made and a videogame is in the pipeline (obviously likely publisher: EA)

Octavarium is part of the curriculum at Berklee College of Music, and has its own course entitled "How to make a 24-minute song without sending the listener into a state of catatonic sleep (Echoes, I'm looking at you)."

edit Structure

Its outer shell consists of very high pitched vocal chords, whilst deep inside, one finds great arrays of odd time signatures, diminished runs and key changes. It has to be seen to be heard but it cannot be seen. Octavarium is more valuable than platinum but you can't sell it. It is dimensionless, but many insist it has eight dimensions. It therefore has no length but the same idiots think it is 24 minutes long. There is big storms too.

edit Internal Experiences

Supposedly, when one becomes trapped, they are medicated and infiltrated by Mike Portnoy's drum sticks, and finally, the victim finds that they have come full circle. This process takes exactly 24 minutes. It SHOULD take exactly 30 minutes, because there SHOULD be an extra six minutes of acoustic guitar solo, but the great Petrucci was apparently saving that. All I'm saying, guys, is that BCASL better be REALLY FREAKING GOOD. Some victims claim that they have seen freaks of nature, and freaks of un-nature inside this Octavarium. Escapees can hear haunted words as ambient noise for the rest of their lives.

It is reported that if you play the album in its entirety four times while watching One flew over the cuckoo's nest, then you are probably stoned.

edit Notable Sightings

Sightings from victims include:

  • A Korean bass player with very long fingers
  • A guitar that appears to be 5 colours at the same time
  • A man swinging a microphone on a stand
  • Images and Words
  • Mike's drum sticks
  • The edge of a razor (a razor's edge).

edit Tracklist

  1. The Roots of All Evil Beards
  2. The Answer Lies To Us (Jeopardy)
  3. Those Walls (Featuring "Roger Waters" on bricks)
  4. I Talk Behind You (U2 cover)
  5. Picnic Room
  6. James "LaBrie" Bond: The World is Never Enough (Muse Cover)
  7. Sacrificed Nuns (a tribute to Mother Theresa)
  8. Octavarium (caution is required at all times - see above sections)

edit Professional Reviews

The album is considered by prominent figures in the music industry to be all right. Hector Berlioz considers it to be "a fitting and dangerously sincere tribute to my opium-induced execution". Jimmy Nail echoes these sentiments. Garage rock trio Emerson, Lake and Palmer had second thoughts about walking down the aisle to it at their civil partnership ceremony, but upon finding a pentagram lodged within an octagon outside a Starbucks in Dorset, realised the error in their ways, converted to Islam and set fire to the Hit Factory. Thereafter, its doors were shut forever. The whole process only took 23 minutes and 59 seconds, although that included a fifteen minute bird song solo and a piano falling down eight flights of stairs. The song is actually 2 year long length but because of Rudess's capability to travel through time we hear the song for 23mins.

On the Internet Movie Database, this album is rated Four. It reached number 8 in Paraguay and number 14 in the United States.

edit Musical Games

It is a well known fact that Octavarium has mutated, into a beast and crossed in to many rhythm games, such as Rock Band, requires the user to create their own Octavarium, often without intention, allowing the rapid growth of the Octavarium Network. However, due to its awesomeness, it has been made impossible to remove from the Game, to limit its spread you now have to pay for the privilege to create the full circle. However due to its length no one has ever achieve full combo, much to the relief of mankind.

edit See also

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