Ocean City, Maryland
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Ocean City is the largest city since Sodom and Gomorrah were destroyed by the Canadian army in approximately 1700 AF (AF refers to a little known period of time when small, furry animals conquered the earth by buying it from humans in return for shiny trinkets. Ironically, humans then used this trick to acquire Manhattan from Indians. Dirty, stupid Indians.) Ocean City is considered by dirt experts to be the second dirtiest object on earth, surpassed in filth only by Swedish immigrants. Ocean City is most famous for its beaches. These beaches are frequented most often by heroin addicts, who scour the beaches looking for needles that will be suitable for placing drugs in their body.
Ocean City's economy is entirely dependent upon the acquisition of hermit crabs from the sea. Every year, thousands of Ocean City locals (known as grimers or lil' sidekick grimers) travel into the ocean to feel around with their feet for the crustaceans. Strangely, these hermit crabs are not sold for any monetary gain. Rather, in a single night of drunken revelry, the grimers smash all the hermit crabs they have collected with large, bejeweled hammers. This is largely regarded as a bad idea the next morning. Ocean City's economy is entirely dependent upon selling the smashed hermit crabs to cat food companies, who only buy the hermit crabs to prevent the grimers from killing all the cats in the world.
Ocean City has a culture that revolves entirely around the gaining and consuming of cheap beer. The only consumed product in Ocean City is the beloved Natural Light. Due to the Grimers natural proclivity towards this most cheap of brews, they have developed many colloquial nicknames for the beer. These include Natty, Natty Light, Nattylightfucksyadayups, the sublime nectar of the Gods cultivated in the fields of Pelenor, and the Nat' that makes ya stomach fat. Anyone caught buying any other beer in Ocean City is forced to strap several large bison to their feet and run down the beach, screaming "She sells sea shells by the sea shore". Every time that the offender makes a mistake, they are punished with 1,700 years in the salt mines.
Every year, thousands of high school seniors travel to Ocean City to spend a week drinking cheap alcohol and wallowing in their own filth. The exact reason behind this mass migration is unknown, however many experts agree that it is due to the high school seniors natural preference for dangerous and rare STDs that can only be found in Ocean City and Baltimore City. These seniors contribute nothing to the economy as they are all poor as shit. Every grimers favorite past time, besides drinking Natty, is finding male senior weekers and leading them into the ocean by playing a pleasing tune on a small flute. Senior week females are spared this amusing demise due to their own moral turpitude. These females are young, naive, and drunk, and therefore many grimers treat them as armies generally treated the prostitutes of the cities they captured.
The only means of transportation in Ocean City is the rare snrakle fish. The snrakle fish is a minnow sized fish that inhabits the harbors of Ocean City. Grimers catch these small fish by jumping into the water and randomly striking the surface until they stun a snrakle fish. When asked by an outsider why they did not use nets, the grimers flew into a rage and strapped an unheard of 6 billion bison to his feet. This incident has since been known as "The Trail of Tears (and bison feet)". Upon catching the fish, the grimers sit on their heads, resulting in the fish being squished into a small, pancake like fish patty. The grimers then walk wherever it was they were trying to go. It is illegal to walk anywhere in Ocean City without first sitting on a snrakle fish.
Wars often occur between competing gas stations. Since gas stations are the only stores licensed by the Ocean City Board of Fat People With Down Syndrome (known by outsiders as a city council) to sell Natty Light, they are frequently battling with each other over the rights to sell the brew to grimers. The term gas stations, in this instance, is somewhat misleading as they do not sell gas but rather Natty from their pumps. These wars are often long and very fatal, with approximately 50 billion people killed each second. Try to disprove me. You couldn't, could you? It's ok, I understand. Just tell me where the man touched you. Show me on the doll. Stop crying, this is very important.
Who ever made this article up is an idiot and does not know what they are talking about. None of this about ocean city maryland is true
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