Oblivion Elder Scrolls

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Oblivion
In-game Graphics
Developer	Microsoft People
Release Date	Microsoft Nintendo: November 9 1767 November 32 2004 November 11 2004 PC: Will not be released for Windows Vista the new operating system for microsoft 2007/2008
Genre	first person shooter
Platforms	Microwave
Rating	ESRB: Mature PEGI: 16+ CERO: 15, up and over
Would Donkey Kong play it?	OMFG 0F C0URSE I L0VE THIS GAME! I HAVE PLAYED IT F0R 73 H0URS STRAIGHT N0W OMFG DUDE IT PWNZORZ ALL JOSE N00B GAMEZ!

For the religious among us who choose to believe lies, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article very remotely related to Oblivion Elder Scrolls.

Not to be confused with The Elder Scrolls: Oblivious, or The Llama Scrolls: Bolivion, which would have been a weird confusion to make (unless, of course, you're Captain Oblivious), or whatever...

Oblivion: Elder Scrolls is the most immersive and extensively detailed role playing game available in digital format (we exclude the Final Fantasy series in this assessment on the basis of there being no easy way to download nudie mods to FFVII)The game was conceived and created by a crack team of Marylanders who were beat up a lot in high school, and is loosely based (as were its predecessors)on said designers' hand-crafted Dungeons and Dragons campaign world.Oblivion has the most beautiful graphics engine of any sword and slippers RPG on the market today and boasts very strong fanbases on both the Xbox and PC where, thanks to the readily available construction set, anyone with any level of computer aptitude may modify their version of the game to include: a)nudity, b)unrealistic weaponry, c)white supremacy, or d) some combination of the three. thanks to a thriving community of modders, and an avalanche of pre-modded content already de-bugged by the good folks at Bethesda, Oblivion will provide the avid gamer with endless hours of entertainment, and effectively nullify any budding social life said "player character" might have.

[edit] Plot

Warning: The following text might contain spoilers. This makes the article more aerodynamic, and thus more maneuverable at high speeds. Take caution and carry a first-aid kit at all times if you don't know that Tippi and Count Bleck were Timpani and Blumiere, respectively, Eggman was the client, Borat marries a hooker from Dallas and returns to Kazakhstan with her, Kreia was a Sith Lord and only Atton and the Disciple saw that coming, Daisy runs over Myrtle, leading Wilson to kill Gatsby and then himself, frankly, my dear, Clark Gable doesn't give a damn, M. Bison was the killer of Chun Li's father, and Soylent Green is PEOPLE!!!

Oblivion opens with a devastatingly cryptic monologue by Emperor Uriel Septim ( Captain Picard ) and treats the viewer to a beautifully rendered orchestral theme only slightly cribbed from Pirates of the Caribbean before plumetting them into the blackness of character creation. after the very involved process of battling your way through the underbelly of the imperial-prison-system-come-secret-emergency-bunker and trying to toggle your nose to where it looks like a real appendage, the emperor is assassinated by an obviously evil cabal of sith knock-offs. the PC is thrown out into world with nothing but the emperor's amulet and about 80 pounds of Goblin loot to their name and are set on the path to greatness, for about twelve minutes until they get bored and go all Texas Chainsaw on the nearest bandit camp/defenseless chapel.

[edit] Races

There are a plethora of races available as playable characters in Oblivion. The fantasy fare will delight and thrill any gamer... unless they want to play as a dwarf... then they're gonna need a mod...

Redguards: While The Elder Scrolls is by no means a racially biased franchise, the "humans of heritage" in the game are, to quote Morgan Freeman "straight G's." Redguards produce fine fighters and excellent Seamen and have the best starting blade skill in the game.
Dark Elves: Catering to the "I'll buy it if I can play as Drizzt" niche, the Dark elves are good all-arounders in Oblivion. While hardcore morrowinders may grumble to themselves about the "dumbing down" of the more commercially-minded TESIV or the "lack of crossbows, spears, noble houses, vampire factions, boat travel, guild guides, etc." critics agree that the new Dunmer are just as kickass as the old.
Argonians: This reptilian race inhabits reeking fens of Black Marsh and the fetid moors of Foxc News, and are most notable for their tails, scales, and lack of cool abilities which, with the 86-ing of the spear, have dwindled to disease resistance and water breathing (you're basically playing aqua-man).
Orcs: The orcs of Oblivion are much more civilised and coherent than many of their fantasy cousins (cough*WAAAAAAAGH!*cough) and exhibit a cunning and acumen not seen in green characters since the glory days of Kermit and the gang.
Imperials: The most technologically advanced race, imperials sport romanesque full-plate armor 24/7, take part in pre-programmed "daily routines" and inexplicably conquer every other goddamn race on the continent thanks to that +5 bonus to Merchantile.
Khajhit: Created solely as an excuse to put Maiq The Liar in the game, the Cat People are notable in that it is physically impossible to spell their race's name correctly.
Bretons: Bretons have successfully altered the common perception of the phrase "Bretonnian" from something keen and Arthurian to one of a bumbling, squeamish friar with a penchant for summonig demons for 1d6 rounds.
Wood Nords: Due to time constraints, and an already convoluted gaming system, the Nord and Wood Elf races have been combined here... makes about as much sense as calling axes "blunt" doesn't it?

In an effort to promote healthy body image, every single character in Oblivion is between the ages of 20 and 35 and is built like a distance runner. Perhaps as a brief stab at reality, there is rumored to be an "obesity patch" available for download on Torrent.

[edit] Skills

The good folks at Bethesda really made their mark with Oblivion by creatingthe first game in which the player character will succeed more at first level thgan at any other thereafter. Thanks to the genius of the levelling system, no matter how powerful you are, there will always be a goblin out there who can clean your clock.

Sneak: A skill that allows orcs wearing platemail to go undetected while commandoing through on e of the game's many scenic "dark hole in the ground" venues.
Security: A skill that, thanks to twitch-mechanics, isn't worth squat.
Blunt: Apparently axes are blunt now... they better not have fucked with my crossbow...
Merchantile: Has anyone in the history of TES ever put ranks in merchantile?
Magic: "Lighting people on fire with red golf balls."
Illusion: Basically nullifies the entire stealth skill-set.
Hand To Hand: Two words baby: Bruce Lee.
Marksman: We all have that friend who has to play as a ranger no matter what game he's in. This skill was designed for him.
Alchemy: <insert meth-lab joke here.>
Block: Fun for 30 seconds, then you really wish you'd just bought the claymore.

[edit] Guilds

Oblivion boasts a whopping four guilds (the blades are not counted here as it's pretty much a given you will end up playing as one of them if you finish character creation) and gives the intrepid gamer a chance to immerse themselves in the lore of the Elder Scrolls, and kill a bunch of people, for loot.

[edit] The Fighters Guild

The Fighters Guild, obviously, specializes in Plumbing. If you can kill something you can be in the fighters guild, and this relatively straightforward quest bundle offers a steady stream of violence and easy money.

[edit] Knights of Nine

Not really even a faction, this quest-line was the brainchild of a couple of pissed off gamers who thought the whole "save the cosmos" thing wasn't paladiny enough.

[edit] The Dark Brotherhood

Every teenaged psychopath with an appreciation for good metal will play this faction to its logical conclusion roughly 6,000 times.

[edit] The Mages' Guild

This guild startse out strong, sending ther aspiring grand wizard to the far corners of the empire, delivering books and recovering lost rings until, after about 14 consecutive hours of play, the player gives up on achieving that second rank and loads his Dark Brotherhood grandmaster game.

[edit] Thieves' Guild

Fucking boring.

[edit] Gameplay

Still the best RPG around, Oblivion takes a FPS approach to the genre with wild success.

[edit] Daedra Lords

Players will also have the opportunity to run Fedex quests and other errands for Daedra Lords, who will then reward them with powerful artifacts (i.e. 'roids). The Daedra Lords are voiced by Bethesda's trademark "snorkel apparatus" speech filter and have a penchant for encouraging the PC to kill old ladies.

Daedra Lords who appear in game:

Hulk Hogan
Dick Cheney
Carth 2.0
Wacko Jacko
Jesus of Suburbia
Master Chief
Bowser
Perez Hilton
Khorne
Nurgle
Slaanesh
Tzeentch
Ganondorf
Ganon (yes there's a difference, you moron)
George W. Bush only
Dracula
Alucard
Steve Martin
Jabba the Hutt
Cthulhu
Yog-Sothoth
Slash
Robert Johnson
Mick Jagger
The Pythons
If you've seriously read this far, you need to go out right now and make some friends.
Oprah Winfrey
Optijesus Prime
Oscar Wilde (only on the weekends, between the hours of 1:00 and 25:00.).
Your Mom
Mudkip
Chuck Norris
Kratos
Darth Maul
Darth Vader
Steven Seagal
Flubber