Oblivion

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“I grew up in that place as a child. Can't remember much of it, though...”
~ Captain Oblivious on oblivion
“Every year I play oblivion, my penis shrinks.”
~ Male oblivion player on oblivion and his penis
“Every year I play oblivion, I grow a penis.”
~ Female oblivion player on oblivion and his penis
“He lay awake at night, tossing and turning underneath his pleated quilt protector, tears welling in his eyes as he pictured Marsha, her sworn vows overcome by liquor and the smooth soothing of some Neanderthal, finally submitting to the final caresses of sexual oblivion.”
~ Lou Reed on the Gift


By the nine divines, I'm being attacked! Help! Help! Oblivion isn't a fun place to be. Oblivious is a theorem doctored by Skeletor. It consists of the theory that certain places contain varying degrees of particle-type energy resulting in the 'impotence' of synapses in the human brain.

Here is a brief list of places that fit this MO:

  • Technical Support at Websense Inc.
  • Talking to Brian Bennett
  • Being in the physical presence of anyone who has uttered the phrase "Linux has no place in the job market"
  • #sleepers on efnet.
  • Holding for Chase Visa to come on the line
  • Anywhere in the US Congress, Senate or White House.
  • Ohio

edit History

Oblivion was devised in the Roman Times by Skeletor. Used by the ancient romans as a room for beggars (excluding hobos for they are nice). It is a reality where the nightmares of George Bush and the pie lord,as well as doughnut girl reside.If sent there the recipient will face complete and total chaos, unless he or she brings pie (skin creme will do). It is currently referred to as Neverland Ranch, or as the the department of motor vehicles. Skeletor is often seen there.

edit Owners Manual

Those who come into possession of Oblivion should beware of a couple of key items

  • Never let Oblivion out of your trunk. Ever seen a trunkmonkey? It would be like that, except times a thousand (yes, one thousand trunk monkeys.)
  • Never let Oblivion sit shotgun.
  • Oblivion must be kept on a strict diet of fish food and refried beans.
  • Never eat Oblivion, for it will not only make the universe implode but also give you terrible indigestion.
  • Try not to stare at Oblivion, for he is sensitive about his size and looks.
  • Oblivion is a prime example of an 80 year old woman masturbating.
  • If you encounter problems with your Oblivion, please take care of them as needed.

edit Ease of use

  • Oblivion is built out of sturdy Kevlar-reinforced polyurethane. It can be machine washed, and machine dried.
  • Folding makes storing Oblivion easy
  • Oblivion is lightweight and portable, perfect for standing in line at the bank, sitting on the phone or discussing religion or politics.
  • Oblivion was made right here in America™!
  • I don't live in America so when he says right here in America he means right there to non-Americans..Oblivion
  • Some Oblivion is actually made in Oblivion.

edit Suggested Use

Oblivion's maximum power output is just shy of 750mW. If directed properly, Oblivion can pop tires at 50 yards. Oblivion can be used in both daytime and lowlight condition. Never point Oblivion at your friends. Remember to feed Oblivion at least twice daily. Oblivion may require grooming. Requires 2x AA soul gems (not supplied). DO NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCE FEED OBLIVION AFTER MIDNIGHT!!

Warranty void in Ohio, some assembly required, batteries not included. Special fees and offers apply, void where restricted, no purchase necessary to win. All rights reserved. Subject to change without notice. As seen on TV. One size fits all. Do not fold, spindle, staple, or mutilate. No substitutions allowed. For a limited time only. User assumes all liabilities. Not liable for damages due to misuse. Quantities are limited. Quality may vary. No substitutions. Keep away from direct sunlight. Limited one per family. No money down. Breaking seal voids warranty. Has been shown to cause cancer in laboratory animals. Action figures sold separately. Apply only to affected area. May be too intense for some viewers. For recreational use only. Preservatives added to improve freshness. Safety goggles must be worn at all times. Sealed for your protection. For external use only. If a rash, redness, irritation, or swelling develops, discontinue use and consult your physician. Use only with proper ventilation. Sanitized for your protection. Avoid extreme temperature. Store in a cool dry place. Refrigerate after opening. Keep away from openflame. Avoid contact with eyes. Wash, rinse, repeat. Do not puncture, incinerate, or store above 120 degrees Fahrenheit. Do not place near any magnetic source. May be hazardous to your health. Slippery when wet. For official use only. Not affiliated with with any government agency. Edited for television. No salt, MSG, or artificial color added. If ingested, contact your nearest Poison Control Center immediately. Contents under pressure. Restaurant packaging, not for resale. Contents may settle during shipment. Other restrictions may apply. Your mileage may vary. Do not use without professional help.

WARNING: Oblivion contains chemicals, including lead, known to the State of California to cause cancer, and birth defects or other reproductive harm. Wash hands after handling.

Oblivion also contains small pieces of ready break which will blow up after ten seconds of use. GOOD LUCK!

edit See also

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