From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
Obi-Wan Kenobi (also referred to as Ben Kenobi and Uncle Ben in the later chronology where George Lucas decided to give people normal names) is a fictional character in the Star Wars universe, contrary to the beliefs of the common Star Wars fanboy, who maintains that Star Wars is actually real, and set in the past, a long time ago, in a galaxy far far away. He is one of several protagonists in the Star Wars series and the main protagonist of the second two films of the prequel trilogy. Along with Anakin Skywalker/Darth Vader, R2-D2, and C-3PO, he is one of the few major characters who is cunning enough, strong enough and old enough to appear in all of the six Star Wars films.
Obi-Wan is portrayed in the original trilogy by the great actor Sir Alec Guinness, and in the prequel trilogy by the somewhat-disappointing-by-contrast Ewan McGregor. In television and video games, he is portrayed by James Arnold "Johnny Test" Taylor, who does a decent impression of McGregor's decent Guinness impression.
As per George Lucas's request, Uncyclopedia shall begin this article biography towards the end of Obi-Wan's life, rather than just following it in chronological order like any normal article would. The reasoning for this is generally not questioned by anyone who likes this article and the series of information it presents.
A New Hope
Obi-Wan is first introduced in Star Wars Episode IV: A New Hope (1977) (originally released simply as Star Wars when George Lucas did not expect movie-going audiences to enjoy his low-budget space opera B-movie), where he is played by prominent British actor Alec Guinness. He is first seen in a daring and complex rescue plan to save Luke Skywalker from a group of Tusken Raiders, who ambush him during a search for R2-D2, a missing droid struck with a computer virus that mirrors the human disorder of autism. After cunningly convincing the cannibalistic raiders that he was a grue, they instantly flee in terror. He then takes Luke and his new companions back to his sand-igloo for a British cup of tea, or at least the equivalent on Tatooine.
Obi-Wan reveals that he knew Luke's father, Anakin Skywalker, and served with him in the Clone Wars as a Jedi Knight. He does not mention to Luke that Anakin is also an evil Sith Lord in control of the Empire, a vast totalitarian regime that seeks to enslave the entire galaxy. The omission of this fact can be seen either as Obi-Wan trying to protect Luke's feelings from the truth, or alternatively Obi-Wan has grown so old that he can no longer keep track of the convoluted plot-lines that comprise the Star Wars saga, and has simply forgotten. The behavior of the elderly Obi-Wan can be interpreted by many as supporting this theory, with some of his actions indicating the early stages of Alzheimer's disease, as well as old-age dementia.
Luke is given Anakin's lightsaber, and is told:
Obi-Wan offers to instruct Luke in the ways of the Force, but Luke initially refuses, fearing that Obi-Wan may be a pedophile planning to ensnare him. He changes his mind after his aunt and uncle are murdered and he realizes that he has no idea how to run a moisture farm, or what one is. It is then that Obi-Wan takes him along to deliver the coveted "How to: Destroy a Death Star" guide to Alderaan.
Obi-Wan and Luke buy passage to Alderaan on the Millennium Falcon, a spaceship piloted by Han Solo, a space pirate, and his space-first mate, Chewbacca. At first Obi-Wan expresses doubt over the pirate's capabilities, stating:
The two eventually set aside their differences, even when Han has the arrogance to call the Jedi religion a myth, effectively dishonoring the deaths of thousands of Obi-Wan's Jedi brethren who were mercilessly slaughtered whilst defending the freedom that Han enjoys as a space pirate.
Due to Han taking his sweet time navigating, and getting lost every time he tried to use the hyperdrive engine to take a shortcut, Alderaan had already been destroyed by the Death Star. Han's ineptness as a space pirate further gets them into trouble when the Millennium Falcon is captured by the enormous space station's tractor beam. After their capture, Obi-Wan actually does something useful unlike the rest of the crew who languish about fighting garbage-monsters, and sneaks into the core of the Death Star, disabling the tractor beam so that the Falcon can escape. Obi-Wan then confronts Darth Vader in a lightsaber duel. The two have a sparring of wits as well as lightsabers, which unfortunately means the elderly Obi-Wan cannot keep up. He tells Vader just before being struck down:
This could be interpreted merely as trash-talk with little meaning, or alternatively that Obi-Wan's wits have let him down once again, as the only indication of Obi-Wan getting any more powerful is the fact that he does not leave a bloody-mess behind after Vader kills him (although Star Wars enthusiasts will tell you that lightsabers actually cauterize any wounds, but the fact that his body disappears is still an admirable feat in itself).
He speaks to Luke via the Force (usual rate -0.50p per minute) in the film's climactic battle scene, telling him to use the Force to destroy the Death Star. Luke, being someone who likes taking dangerous and unnecessary risks because a familiar voice in his head tells him to, turns off his X-wing fighter's targeting computer, and, trusting in the Force, he fires his proton torpedoes and destroys the battle station. Luke then hears Obi-Wan's voice telling him:
The Empire Strikes Back
In Star Wars Episode V: The Empire Strikes Back (1980), set three years after A New Hope (although it could just as easily have been three days), Obi-Wan appears as a hallucinatory voice inside Luke's head, and instructs him to go to the Dagobah system for further training with Grand Master Yoda, who was forced into hiding like Obi-Wan when the Republic collapsed. Because Yoda has more physical similarities with a retarded bullfrog than he does with a human being, Obi-Wan got to live in a sand igloo to watch over Luke, while Yoda had to settle for a swamp with other small, green, bas-ackward speaking creatures like him.
After Luke has been further trained in the teachings of the Jedi, Obi-Wan once again appears in the Dagobah swamp to try and dissuade him from going to Cloud City, where Vader holds Han and Leia hostage. After Luke insists on facing Vader, Obi-Wan warns him that he cannot be bothered regenerating to fight Vader just to get killed again as a distraction for Luke and his friends to escape. Luke would have to grow a pair and face him alone.
Return of the Jedi
In Star Wars Episode VI: Return of the Jedi (1983), set one year after The Empire Strikes Back, a dying Yoda whispers, using normal, unbroken English to emphasize the importance of what he is going to say, "there is another Skywalker". Unfortunately, Yoda passes away from old-age at 900, as he just wasn't the Jedi he used to be when he was 877 years old. The plot demands that Obi-Wan appear as a Force ghost to explain to a heartbroken Luke why he did not tell him the truth about his father, and Luke finds out that Leia is his sister, bringing to question some serious domestic issues. Obi-Wan admits that his own pride had been partly to blame for Anakin's fall from grace:
He then tries to explain to Luke that killing Vader is the only way to destroy the Empire and save the galaxy in an epic cliffhanger. At the end of the film, Obi-Wan's ghost appears alongside the ghosts of Yoda and a redeemed Anakin on the forest moon of Endor, watching over Luke and his teddy-bear comrades as they celebrate the destruction of the second Death Star and the collapse of the Empire.
The younger version of Obi-Wan Kenobi is characterized as having superior lightsaber choreography, a terrible sense of humor, and some of the worst hairstyles ever seen in the entire Star Wars saga.
The Phantom Menace
In Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace (1999), set 32 years before A New Hope (which makes the Alec Guinness version of Obi-Wan less than 60. I don't think so...), Obi-Wan, now played by Ewan McGregor, is seen as a young Jedi Padawan. At the start of the film, Obi-Wan accompanies his master Qui-Gon Jinn on a mission to Naboo
b to discuss negotiations with the Chinese Trade Federation, who are blockading Naboo, ruled by Queen Padmé Amidala (Natalie Portman). Qui-Gon notes that the Viceroys of the Chinese Trade Federation are cowards, and that the negotiations should be short. However, upon their arrival on the Federation flagship, they are attacked by battle droids and are forced to retreat down to the planet. Obi-Wan makes a joke that does not go down well:
In the swampy forests of Naboo, Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan meet a
Rastafarian stereotype blatant child commercialization clumsy Gungan named Jar Jar Binks, who assists the Jedi in reaching the Queen. After making an unscheduled landing on Tatooine, Qui-Gon meets Anakin Skywalker, a young slave who shows such tremendous potential in the Force that Qui-Gon believes him to be the "Chosen One" of Jedi prophecy, destined to bring balance to the Force by destroying the Sith.
Obi-Wan initially believes the boy is too old and has too many emotional attachments to become a Jedi, and could become dangerous if he were trained. Qui-Gon ignores his Padawan's advice, calls him a dumbass, and reminds him of one of his jokes that completely failed. The Jedi Council agrees with Qui-Gon that Obi-Wan should be banned from attempting humor, but also forbids Anakin's training, sensing that the boy's future is clouded by the fear he exhibits.
During the film's climactic battle scene, Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan battle the Sith Lord Darth Maul. Qui-Gon is proven to be an even worse Jedi than Obi-Wan when he is killed by Darth Maul. Obi-Wan, a lowly and unskilled Padawan with little experience especially when compared to any other Jedi Master, attempts to vanquish Maul by himself. After being disarmed and nearly falling to his death, Obi-Wan uses the Force to pull his Master's abandoned lightsaber into his hand and cuts Maul in half. Obi-Wan then runs to his Master's side, and the dying Qui-Gon pleads with him to train Anakin in the ways of the Jedi. Obi-Wan promises that he will, effectively dooming the entire Galaxy into slavery for the next 30 years, and causing everyone to forget all about those treasury funds that went missing with Qui-Gon.
For his heroics in defeating a Sith (making him the first Jedi in 1,000 years to do so), Yoda personally bestows to him the rank of Jedi Knight, even though he is technically the most hardcore Jedi alive at the time, and therefore should be a higher rank than anyone. Obi-Wan then states that he will train Anakin with or without the Council's permission. Yoda reluctantly agrees but warns Obi-Wan to be careful with the troubled boy. It appears Yoda is the only character in Star Wars with any common sense excluding Mace Windu.
Attack of the Clones
In Star Wars Episode II: Attack of the Clones (2002), set ten years after The Phantom Menace, Obi-Wan has become an experienced Jedi Knight and facial hair grower. However, his relationship with his Padawan, Anakin is strained; the Chosen One has grown powerful but arrogant and believes that Obi-Wan is trying to hold him back. In reality, Anakin is in need of a good slap, or at least some acting lessons and a better screenwriter.
He and Anakin are tasked with protecting Padmé, now an older yet even hotter Senator than she was in The Phantom Menace, after an attempt is made on her life. Obi-Wan is commissioned to track down the mysterious Assassin with No Name. Well, he's actually named Jango Fett, but Lucas wanted to base him on Clint Eastwood's famous Western character, The Man with No Name. He appears to have failed on a very fundamental level... Anyway, Obi-Wan tracks him down to the planet Kamino, and learns about a massive Mexican clone army that the planet's inhabitants are building for the Galactic Republic. He then meets with the bounty hunter Jango Fett, the template for the clones, and through sophisticated detective work and deductive reasoning subpar even for Nancy Drew, finds out that he is the one responsible for the assassination attempts.
Obi-Wan attempts to apprehend Fett, who escapes to Geonosis with his unaltered clone Boba. Obi-Wan follows them by placing a homing beacon on Fett's ship, Love-Slave I.
On Geonosis, Obi-Wan learns of the Confederacy of Independent Systems, also known as the Separatists, a conspiracy of star systems that want to secede from the Republic and completely bore movie-going audiences with misplaced subplots about politics. The renegades are led by former Jedi, Count
Dracula Dooku, who was once Qui-Gon's master, but could not turn him to the vampire dark side of the force. Obi-Wan is captured shortly after sending a message to Anakin, who ungratefully ignores it and marks it as spam in his email box. While Obi-Wan is in captivity, Dooku reveals that the Galactic Senate is under the control of a Sith Lord named Darth Sidious, whose identity is Chancellor Palpatine completely unknown to people watching the film.
After much nagging by Padme, she and Anakin eventually arrive on Geonosis to rescue Obi-Wan. They are themselves captured due to not actually bothering to come up with a rescue plan, and all three are sentenced to death by the Geonosians. Whilst chained to pillars awaiting certain death, it appears Obi-Wan finally cracks the art of humor, as he utilizes sarcasm in the correct manner.
The executions are prevented by the timely arrival of Jedi and clone reinforcements, led by Jedi Masters Mace Windu and Yoda. Obi-Wan and Anakin confront Dooku and they engage in a lightsaber duel. Anakin once again proves he is in need of child disciplining when he ignores Obi-Wan's orders to take Dooku together, and he is attacked with the easily-blockable Force lightning move. Obi-Wan is forced to take Dooku on his own, and he outmaneuvers Obi-Wan, wounding him on both his left arm and leg. Dooku is about to deliver a killing blow when Anakin, waiting for a dramatic point to return to the fight, recovers from the lightning and blocks Dooku's attack. Obi-Wan gives Anakin his lightsaber to help him in the duel, which is almost immediately broken. Dooku and Anakin fight a short duel, and Dooku cuts off Anakin's right lower arm (which is later replaced by a robotic prosthetic, only increasing his need for Padme). Finally, Yoda arrives to cut through all the bullshit and straighten Dooku (and Dooku's crooked lightsaber) out. However, the Sith Lord takes advantage of Obi-Wan and Anakin's laziness, and causes a pillar to collapse onto them. With both Jedi too tired to bother moving out of the way, Yoda must save them, creating a distraction while Dooku escapes. Yoda saves their lives, although it is arguable that it would be better they died rather than incur the wrath of Yoda.
Revenge of the Sith
In Star Wars Episode III: Revenge of the Sith (2005), set three years after Attack of the Clones, Obi-Wan is now a Jedi Master on the High Jedi Council and a general in the Army of the Republic, with his record of using awful puns forgotten. Anakin, now a full-fledged Jedi Knight, has become less of an irritant than he was in Attack of the Clones. Possibly sometime in-between Attack of the Clones, Revenge of the Sith, and a couple series of animated warfare, Obi-Wan gave him that long overdue slap. He remains his partner, and the two have become war heroes and best friends.
Obi-Wan and Anakin are sent on a mission to rescue Supreme Chancellor Palpatine, who has been kidnapped very easily (George Lucas would recommend you pick up on this subtle red herring) by Count Dooku and Separatist leader/portable dialysis machine General Grievous. When they find the captive Palpatine, Dooku challenges them both to a duel, allowing Obi-Wan another chance to make an awful joke.
After cracking that gem, Obi-Wan is immediately knocked unconscious by Dooku, but Anakin defeats the Sith Lord by slicing off both his hands, and then his head. Obi-Wan could not be awakened, so Anakin carries him out, against Palpatine's wishes.
Soon after returning to Coruscant, Obi-Wan is called away to Utapau to confront General Grievous. After finding the Separatist encampment, Obi-Wan engages the asthmatic General Grievous in battle, eventually killing him with an ordinary blaster, out of all the different weapons in the entire galaxy. At the same time, Palpatine — who is, in a total surprise, revealed to be Darth Sidious — issues Order 66, directing clone troopers to turn on their Jedi generals. Obi-Wan, being one of the few Jedi with any resourcefulness or initiative, survives the attempt on his life and escapes by stealing Grievous's starfighter and meeting with Senator Bail Organa and Yoda aboard Organa's ship, the Tantive IV.
Obi-Wan returns to Coruscant where he and Yoda discover that every Jedi in the Jedi Temple has been murdered, even the Younglings. Obi-Wan sends a beacon to all surviving Jedi, instructing them to scatter across the galaxy and remain in hiding, then DJs the survivors some John Williams music over pirate HoloNet radio. A heartbroken Obi-Wan then watches a security video revealing Anakin as the assassin and child-killing SOB.
Subsequently, Obi-Wan and Yoda split up to confront the two Sith Lords: Obi-Wan to fight Darth Vader and Yoda to battle Darth Sidious in a classic
samurai Jedi stand-off. Obi-Wan wishes to fight Sidious to avoid having to kill his best friend, but Yoda says that not even one of Obi-Wan's worst jokes could kill Sidious. He would have to accept that Anakin had been "consumed by Darth Vader," like a Star Wars breakfast cereal, and Yoda reminds Obi-Wan of all the times Anakin bitched at him about how he wasn't treated like a grown-up.
Unaware of his former Padawan's location, Obi-Wan visits Padmé and explains to her what Anakin has done. Padmé, being naturally blonde with dyed brown hair, refuses to believe him, and will not reveal Anakin's whereabouts, knowing that Obi-Wan will attempt to kill him. Before departing, Obi-Wan tells Padmé that he knows Anakin is the father of her unborn child, and criticizes both of them for not using a condom in this technological age. Padmé sets out to the Mustafar system to confront Anakin herself, and Obi-Wan secretly stows away in her ship.
Arriving on Mustafar, Padmé confronts Anakin and realizes with horror that Obi-Wan had been telling the truth — condoms really are easily available. When Obi-Wan emerges from Padmé's ship, an enraged Vader immediately suspects that Padmé has betrayed him and uses the dark side to choke her into unconsciousness. After a few long minutes of Obi-Wan trying to talk to Anakin and Anakin being a whiny little princess, Anakin finally pipes up about Obi-Wan not adding him as a Facebook friend. To this, Obi-Wan realizes he really should've just left the boy on Tatooine years ago. The two Jedi then ignite their lightsabers and fight a furious duel, where Anakin could've killed Obi-Wan within the first ten seconds due to Obi-Wan spinning around like a ballerina.
Finally, after fifteen minutes of saber-duelin' platform-hoppin' action, Obi-Wan jumps to an inclining shore and says to Anakin that he "has the high ground", which obviously means that victory is guaranteed for him. Anakin arrogantly fights away and meets defeat, now missing a few limbs.
Obi-Wan then retrieves Anakin's lightsaber, believing he will no longer have any use for it seeing as he is one limb away from being a paraplegic, and returns to the ship. Anakin, meanwhile, slides down the volcanic ash, coming too close to the lava, and ignites and practically burns to death; Obi-Wan turns around to laugh before leaving.
Obi-Wan watches helplessly as Padmé dies after bearing twins. Her robo-doc says that her "will to live" has run out, somehow causing her to die rather than just becoming depressed like any normal person. Obi-Wan is skeptical, but decides not to confront the robo-doc about it, fearing he will have to pay the medical bill, which is very large, partly due to recent introduction of the Empire's Galactic Healthcare System. Luke is put on Tatooine with Owen Lars, Anakin's step-brother, and Obi-Wan agrees to look after him in secret; Luke's twin sister Leia, meanwhile, is adopted by Bail Organa of Alderaan. Yoda, unsuccessful in his confrontation with Sidious, then tells Obi-Wan that he has more training for him: Qui-Gon's spirit would teach him how to retain his identity through the Force and commune with the living after death, as well as possibly set up another film, Star Wars Episode III.V: The Sequel Too Far. The film ends as Obi-Wan gives the infant Luke to Lars and his wife Beru, and disappears into the distance, presumably to live the rest of his life drinking heavily in a sand-igloo.
Obi-Wan appears extensively in the Star Wars "Expanded Universe" of comic books, novels, and video games. This material portrays the events in the character's life outside of the six films.
- Star Wars: OB-GYN – Obi-Wan briefly sets up his own female fertility clinic on Tatooine.
- Star Wars: Obi +One Kenobi – Obi-Wan is invited to the grand opening of the Mos Eisley Cantina, and must find a date to be his +1.
- Star Wars: Obi-Wanker Nobi – Obi-Wan does not manage to find a date to be his +1, and goes home alone.
- Star Wars: The Clone Wars – A generally not very well-received addition to the franchise. Obi-Wan must travel to his homeworld, England, to battle a corrupt InterGalactic Banking Clan who have given themselves too many bonuses, causing the economy to collapse, and recession and joblessness to skyrocket.
Distant relations of Obi-Wan
Several spin-offs have also been made, based upon the lives of Obi-Wan's many, many distant cousins, some from a galaxy far, far away (see Earth).
- Obi-Ron Kenobi – A ginger wizard (the equivalent of a Jedi in Great Britain).
- Obi-Trice Kenobi – A Jedi with mediocre rapping skills.
- Obi-Back Kenobi – A Jedi Terminator who must protect the future leader of Mankind from an evil Sith Terminator, whilst spouting many memorable catchphrases.
- Obama-Wan Kenobi – The president of a ridiculous planet far, far away.
- Obi-Juan Kenobi – His Mexican cousin.
|Featured Article (read another featured article)|
This article has been featured on the main page. — You can vote for or nominate your favourite articles at Uncyclopedia:VFH.