Barack Obama
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Barack Hussein Osama Obama II is the 44th and current President of the United States, and the 1st and only to do so without benefit of white skin. He served as an Illinois state senator from 1997 through 2004, and also had a cup of coffee in the U.S. Senate before starting his successful campaign for the Presidency.
In his first year as President, his chief accomplishments were policies to stabilize the weak economy, some of which gave the government an alarmingly larger role in the everyday life of citizens, and a larger number of alarmed citizens. They claimed that Obama's authoritarian tendencies resemble the dystopia portrayed in the book 1984 by George Orwell. Obama responded with a curt, "That's double-plus-ungood" and by banning Fox News from the Press Pool.
And that was just the beginning....
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Early life and career
Barack Obama was allegedly[1][2][3][4][5][6][7][8] born in Honolulu, Hawaii to Stanley Ann Dunham in 1961. Early on in his life, Obama was confronted with a variety of religious, philosophical, and political views. His Kenyan father had been raised as a Muslim, though later became an atheist. Obama spent the first twelve years of his life in Indonesia, where he was schooled in an Islamic madrasa on the need to behead infidels like you. He also studied in Hawaiian terrorist camps, while also being enlisted in Iraqi terror camps full-time.
Obama's experience in Hawaii prior to statehood in 1979 proved to be an informative experience. In the 1960s and 1970s, during his formative years, Hawaii was governed by tribal leaders who regulated nearly every aspect of island life. As a result, major industries such as pineapple harvesting and canoe-building were fiercely efficient, and Hawaii prospered. These tribal leaders earned Obama's respect and adoration, and he aspired to become one of them when he grew up. Their policies of wire-tapping[9] and otherwise keeping tabs on Hawaiians did not bother Obama, as he "felt safe and secure, and always had plenty of pineapple to eat."
In his late teens, Obama gave up his Muslim heritage and converted to Christianity.[10] Obama emphatically affirms his Christianity (especially after one of those occasional slips of the tongue). As an adult, he adopted as a preacher and spiritual mentor the charismatic Rev. Jeremiah Wright, notorious for colorful turns of phrases, such as, "God damn America....U.S. of KKK-A." But Obama wasn't listening when Wright said any of those things for twenty years. Honestly, a lot of Christians doze off in church. In 2008, Obama distanced himself from this heritage too.
After attending high school in Hawaii,[11] Obama attended the prestigious Columbia University. He was quickly disillusioned by the vastness and inefficiency of the continental United States compared to the state-regulated, strictly controlled life he lived in Hawaii. He graduated from Columbia in 1983 with a major in political science and two minors, both in redundancy. He then moved back to Chicago, a city called the home of "machine politics" for the machine-like efficiency with which it delivers benefits to residents. There Obama went to work as a community organizer. He is still fondly remembered for his work in organizing rigidly controlled community activities such as Little League games. He then ran for public office, perhaps to put his skill orchestrating these strictly regulated events to work on the entire state of Illinois.
Senate career
Obama was elected to the Illinois Senate in 1996 as the representative from the 13th district, which included Chicago's South Side. As such, his first task was to bring peace between warring factions within the city.[12] He then went on to gain support for his ethics and healthcare legislation, indicative of his will to control every aspect of his constituents' lives. During this time his Junior Undersecretary, Bill Ayers, also gained the support and admiration of Chicagoicans, particularly for his Weather Underground movement which helped relay rain forecasts to more people than ever before.
Obama's time in the Illinois Senate will perhaps be remembered most for its impact on the daily lives of Chicagoites. His welfare reform program was a great success, and would foreshadow his tendencies as President towards regulating the lives of every class of citizen. One of his lesser-known successes was his mandate that all homicide interrogations be videotaped, which was the first in a long string of surveillance-related laws aimed at 'increasing public safety' and other such nonsense. At first the methods allowed by these laws were unsuccessful, as Obama copied the methods of his native Hawaii, and very few Chigagoists were fooled by medium-sized cameras concealed within pineapples. However, very soon his policies denouncing privacy in favor of total government control swept the state. He also voted against stricter laws concerning gangs, since the strict rules of gang life strongly reminded of his time in the state-controlled utopia of Hawaii.
Having implemented his new methods in the state of Illinois,[13] Obama won Illinois' open seat in the U.S. Senate in 2004 after his anti-privacy legislation let his campaign obtain embarrassing photographs of his overweight opponent at the beach. These photographs were maliciously distributed by the liberal media.[14] Upon reaching Washington, Obama quickly became known as one of the 100 most liberal Senators. Much like all liberal Senators from this period, his main focus was criticisms of President Bush. Obama was particularly alarmed at Bush's[15] tendency to let Americans run their own lives.
Election as President
Despite a radical voting record during his cameo appearance in the Senate, Obama gained a centrist reputation by behaving identically to most other senators: promptly using his post as a stepping-stone to higher office (of which there is exactly one) despite having told Illinois voters he would complete his term. This gambit let Obama show his virtuosity at deflecting accusations, most often with the claim that his promises are "old news" and his accusers are old-fashioned, are bought off by industry, and cling to guns. If you had to do it that often, you'd get good at it too. But Obama never approached the masterful response of his party's last President: "Well, I meant it when I said it."
His message of "hope and change" mesmerized American voters. He famously promised Joe the Plumber that he intended to "share the wealth" and return it "to its rightful owners," usually meaning the audience for that day's speech. Even Joe was convinced that his earnings could be better spent helping "the guy on his way up after you"; and he became Obama's Ohio campaign manager and, later, a black Muslim.
Ultimately, "hope and change," apart from the obvious fact that Obama was not Bush, became hard to flesh out. But ridicule worked as perfectly as ever, and Obama's opponent was nothing if not ridiculous. Obama defeated the cranky old guy with 53% of the vote, something oddly referred to as a landslide and a mandate to correct America's perennial defect of not having enough bureaucracy.
After his inauguration, Obama firmly spread the word of hope and change to all walks of life, and to all peoples in all nations, so that we may prosper under his warming, glowing, warm glow.
Many Republican opponents suspect Obama's victory is to blame on the use of brainwashing machines. Liberal scientists explain these strange phenomena in the sky as being weather balloons. The general public wonders why weather balloons look so freakin' weird these days.
Economic takeovers
As President, Obama achieved quick passage of a stimulus package to address the nation's economic doldrums. It borrowed money to invest in America's rising industries: union halls, intimidators at polls, and abortion mills. Obama confidently stated that the money would be re-spent, sloshing around as though the nation were prosperous and confident; or if it didn't, it would be the fault of the mess he inherited. Oddly, much of the emergency spending was deferred to occur during the 2010 campaigns.
Obama purchased failing corporations and banks. Officials worried that a result of massive bankruptcies would be the creation of large vacuums as people, buildings, and factories disappeared, with other Americans sucked into the maw until nothing was left. The move gave the federal government near-total control over an increasing number of formerly private institutions. The policy made most Americans feel so secure about "change" that they didn't bat an eye when Obama proposed exercising comparable control over companies he had not purchased.
Obama and his various "czars" managed them as the free-enterprise system was never able to do. General Motors was directed to sell half its brands to automobile companies in the Third World and close domestic dealerships, especially those that had contributed to John McCain. On the government-owned banks, the Administration rightfully said that companies owned by the people could no longer pay executive salaries that the people resent. A "salary czar" reduced some salaries by 90%. But the affected executives readily acknowledged that they should work for peanuts. Said one, "Hell, I'm not doing anything the average illegal wouldn't do for minimum wage." A few agreed to work for free during the national economic emergency.
On social issues, Obama called off federal prosecution of citizens of states with medical-marijuana laws, and restored abortion funding that his predecessor had fought. Perhaps a nation newly distracted by dope and promiscuous sex would ignore the ominous changes that were occurring.
Cementing of power
With the American people lulled into a sense of security, Obama passed the Enabling Act of 2010 through Congress. Although this bill severely limits the authority of Congress, Obama forced its passage through the use of waterboarding. After the drowning death of Mike Huckabee, the remaining holdouts fell in line quickly. With the interfering voices of the American people out of the way, Obama was able to concentrate on consolidating his power which was really Obama's biggest priority, he could freely dispose of Joe Biden in the most amusing way possible (he experimented with dummies for a while about this, and he eventually decided on stuffing him with fruit like a chicken until he burst). He concealed Biden's disappearance with elaborate cover stories claiming Biden was unavailable for public appearances because he was too busy overseeing wasteful government programs. President Obama instated Barack's Domain of Sexy Monitors (BDSM for short), the public face of which was spiffy little pictures of the man himself hanging on walls in public places, with eyes that follow you around as you pass by. As an added bonus and source of revenue he began to sell "mini-Baracks", desk-top bobble-heads of the President equipped with miniature digital cameras concealed in the head, that you can put anywhere: the dinner table, your desk at work, your car, your bathroom, your bedroom, anywhere, so he can watch you while you eat/work/drive/crap/masturbate/plot against him. President Obama then turned his attention to national security. Any person caught speaking ill of the President or determined to be threats to society are rounded up and placed in detention centers. Free thinkers and dissenters are not tolerated under the new regime of Barack Obama's watchful gaze.[16]
Personal life
A complete mystery. No one knows the current whereabouts of Obama. Obama's media screening and revising team have removed any information including Obama that they have deemed "A danger to the Great Lord's Safety". They have successfully removed any mention of Obama in nearly any television show or magazine, as well as heavy deletion of any internet web pages or articles mentioning him. However, Google Maps still shows Obama's whereabouts if you type "Obama" into the search bar. Obama's media revising team is trying to resolve this problem as quickly as possible and Obama has personally outlawed any use of Google other than the Image Search.
In one rare interview, Obama highlighted the diversity of his extended family: "It's like a little mini-Mars Bar," he said. "I've got relatives who look like Michael Jackson, and I've got relatives who look like Thomas the Tank Engine" Obama has seven wives from his Kennedy family, six of them living, and a half-sister with whom he was raised, Maya Yummy-Ng, the daughter of his mother and her Indonesian eighteenth husband.
In Dreams of My Father, Barack Obongo ties his mother's infidelity history to possible Native Americans and distant relatives of Jefferson Ford, president of the southern Confederacy during the American Civil War. But of course, all copies of the book were immediately deleted to "protect the Great Lord".
President of the World
President Obama's charismatic lure has led 3/4's of the European nations and Australia to launch an unprecedented worldwide election which will install Obama as the Leader of the free and unfreed world. Because of his numerous accomplishments including 5th place in the 7th grade spelling bee, no tardies during the school year of 1970, and overcoming his disgust of presidential dogs by adopting a portuguese water dog, according to Revelations 1-25, "it's the end of the world!" and since Revelations reveals a new world order and its powerful new king, it only stands to reason that Barack Obama is the one predicted in the King James bible because he is the only charismatic leader to survive unto the end times. Elections will be held in China.
Notes
- ↑ Many dispute this claim, since Hawaiians have notoriously poor record-keeping skills, as can be demonstrated by their lack of statehood records prior to the 1950s.
- ↑ Alleged birth certificate.
- ↑ 2008 election still in dispute by crazy guy.
- ↑ Hawaii confused over Obama birthplace.
- ↑ Additional crazy guy claims to have proof Obama born in Kenya, will go public 'any day now' as of August 2008.
- ↑ A Trustworthy Source: Obama not born is US; also a Muslim, terrorist, and mutant.
- ↑ My dad says Obama wasn't born in America.
- ↑ It's getting a little ridiculous with these references, isn't it?
- ↑ Using the Coconut phone and coconut radio, the latest in island technology
- ↑ Reliable sources point out that only 1% of Muslims convert to Christianity, rendering this statistically impossible.
- ↑ Known in Hawaii as 'Volcano Worship Preparation School'.
- ↑ His most famous victory of this kind was the reconciling of Cubs fans and White Sox fans.
- ↑ The self-proclaimed most important state in the nation.
- ↑ All media is liberal media.
- ↑ And every other President in history
- ↑ Trust me, it's very watchful. He's watching me right now...
See also
- Change
- Blacks
- Baraq Hussein Osama
- Michelle Obama
- Pre-Presidential Accomplishments of Barack Obama
- Barack Obama's birth
- Barack Obama's Teleprompter
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