“I suppose we can applaud their perseverance.”
“I don't want to shake it, whatever it is they're shaking.”
Oasis was a English rock band from Lancashire, Manchester that peaked in popularity in the mid-90s with hits such as (Who the fuck) Are Man. United?, Don't Look Back Ya Wanker and I Can't Say 'Shine' But That's OK (the first song written by Liam Gallagher, about an argument he had with a phonoaudiologist). They are generally held to have invented Beatlemania and are credited with being the first musical group to utter the word 'shine' in 16 syllables. Their first album, Definitely Maybe, But Probably More Maybe Than Definitely took the world by storm, with the multi-platinum selling follow-up album Stop The Cocks proving almost as popular. but eventually disbanded due to artistic differences, although their eyebrows have stayed together.
Their music has been commonly described as "a bit like the Beatles really", and chief songwriter Noel Gallagher's knack for combining a catchy melody with a noisy riff catapulted many of their albums to the top of the hit parade, inspiring a slew of imitators, the most notable of whom are perhaps Oasis. On their third album, Oa-sis Ain't Nuthin' Ta F' Wit, they adopted an experimental bebop/reggae/jazz (where Liam controversially 'blacked' up) direction which saw one slavering NME critic proclaim them to be "the greatest thing since whatever I named album of the week last week, while most others were in agreement that they were past their best and we should start listening to Take That instead. However, no one did. At this point, a fight broke out between the Gallagher's.
It has frequently been claimed that Oasis were not in fact a band, but a projection of a dystopian future beamed back at us as a warning of what could happen if we kept on listening to Pete Wylie. As a result, Wylie has been banned in several small countries, most notably Russia, although seeing as all or indeed more of these have no indigenous population, the effect on his sales figures has been minimal, a description which, ironically enough, can be applied to his sales figures themselves.
- Liam Gallagher - "Useless" as quoted by Noel
- Noel Gallagher - "Useful" as quoted by Noel
- Gem Archer - "Alright" as quoted by Noel
- Andy Bell - "Who?" as quoted by Noel
- John Cena - "He Creates Stand By Me Song Before He Wrestle"
- Chris Sharrock - "Keeps shitting himself" as quoted by Noel
- Danny Lamb - "The hardest cunt in Leith" as quoted by Noel
- Bonehead - "Baldy Fatarse" as quoted by Noel
- Dougal - Short lived Saxophone player
- Pin Jones - The Short Lived band Chef
- Tony Tony - Sacked for being a vegetarian
- Paul McCartney - Kicked out during the techno years
- Hummer - Synth player
- Tina and Sara - belly dancers
- Yin Kung - Interpretive dancer
- Roger Edwards- Media and samples
- Travis Perkins - Bass Bin Director
- Guigsy - "Sweaty Pleb" as quoted by Noel
- Whitey - "Racist Quitter" as quoted by Noel
- Zack Starkey - "Starr Wannabe" as quoted by Noel
- Tony Mcarrol - "Fucking Cunt" as quoted by Noel. Hmmm, I'm starting to see a pattern.
- Everyone - The band split up.
Oasis was reportedly founded when Liam asked his brother, "Hey asshole, what would the Beatles sound like on cocaine instead of acid, you know what i mean?" They began their career playing in mosley, England, sold-out Starbucks and tackle shops in The Trafford Centre in Boise, Idaho. They landed video deals and often hosted MTV2's Who Are They, Now?, a show devoted to undiscovered talent. They parlayed their money into a nice nest egg, in the hopes that they could build their own amphitheater in which to showcase traditional Ukrainian armpit sonatas, Beatles covers as well as their hit Blur, Get AIDS And Die Nob-Heads. Noel Gallagher ruined that dream, though, when his greedy Mam, Bet Lynch, persuaded him to use the money to buy her a caravan. Tensions flared in the band, as resources and patience were squandered. Noel Punched Liam. And Liam Punched Noel. Then Noel Punched Liam. Then Ringo got fed up and left the band. Then Liam punched Graham. At this point, everybody realised that Graham wasn't actually in the band but they sacked him anyway, just to be on the safe side. Graham was said to be "not that arsed, really".
Rare demos made just prior to the band being signed to Patrick McNee's label are now very much sought after, particularly by sad, intense 30-something males who still live with their mum and have never even kissed a girl, fetching as much as 43 new British pence (12,538 US dollars) on eBay. One standout track is a very sloppy rehearsal of a number that sounds like across between the Beatles "Strawberry Fields" and T.Rex's "Jeepster". A (possibly) stoned Noel can be heard giggling after the performance and saying "..eh, our kid, don't worry, we'll put it out as "Strawberry Felds Forever", you know what i mean" and say it's our tribute to Marc Bolan... haaaah ha ha, wankers".
At such high heights of popularity the band's concert at Knebworth sold out. After coming on stage, eager to preform, the band realized that everyone came to see Take That, or some other such high quality band. Liam, the band's lead singer and boxer, began to punch everything from audience members to elephants, then later while he was sober thinking it was the fat dancer from Take Some Of It But Not All Of That. Noel, the band's resident comedian and lover of all things Northern, began to promote another band, The Attic Donkeys, despite said band's lack of talent and spelling skills. The other members, Slaphead, Whitey, and "That Guy" stood around hoping some one would notice them. No one did, so they quit. Then a party broke out and they all ate fresh fish for lunch.
Behind The Music
The band was in the studio, working on a new album. They were living off of royalties from their album Trampling on the Rules of Grammar, but that was hardly making ends meet. Noel's money problems became more pronounced, as he would spend his royalty cheques on accessories for his Mam's caravan. No longer were there Champagne Supernovas. Instead, Alan invested in beer and pogs, and both gained and lost money in the Drunken Pog circuit. III's hips needed a complete overhaul, and the long nights spent in the studio wiped out Van Zant's money in coffee and crystal meth. They stole the Foo Fighters instruments, and kidnapped Dave Grohl. Then, they starred in Thunderbirds, where Noel played the part of Parker, and Hollywood Squares.
Their Comeback Tour
Oasis were offered £60 million and a life time supply of pork pies and marshmallows if they would reform. Liam was apparently 'mad fer it', while The Other Band Members That Aren't Gallagher's signed up aswell. However, Noel would only sign up if they were allowed to perform in the desert. He liked the idea of the show being named 'An Oasis In The Desert' so a subsequent release of the shows on DVD and CD would have a catchy title.
"We're called Oasis, yet we've never performed in a fookin desert, d'youknowwarramean? I thought to myself last night, Oasis and a desert, what a match up - I was fookin pleased with my own genius I didn't even sleep."
The tour took them to deserts all over the world, including Nevada and the Californian deserts in America. The American leg of the tour was a disaster - Liam shouted insults at the Americans in Nevada and preceded to head butt a disabled soldier who had just returned from Iraq, shouting 'you guys dragged us into that mess'. Noel, extrememly upset at Liam's behaviour, became severely depressed and drank his own body mass in Diet Coke's and Pepsi. Liam then got into a punch up with the band's manager and beat up Drummer #12 with his very own drum sticks. The tour was cancelled and the band split again.
Mojo magazine (QVC) turned against Oasis in 1485 overshadowing, for many, the Wars of the Roses and the Battle of Burnage Shopping Precinct, and the effect was dramatic. Jethro Q Walrustitty set up a rival band to fill the gap but they were bought out by Status Quo two years later. The notes from the court case between Oasis and Status Quo were one of the last swaps on Noel Edmonds' Multi-Coloured Swap-Shop (1678)
Disputes with other bands
In the Mid 90's, Liam enjoyed a long running feud with the singer of 70's rockers Smokie, dubbing them "A bunch of tossers" in the NME. The two bands went head to head in the chart, resulting with Smokie going to number one with a re-released version of 'Living Next Door To Alice' featuring a drunk and slightly bewildered Keith Chegwin on vocals. Liam has also feuded with Peter Stringfellow, telling the Melody Maker that he prefers Spearmint Rhino to Stringfellows and calling Stringfellow "A dirty old rubbery cunt".
Noel Gallagher, on the other hand, gets on with everyone. Much of the music industry refers to him as "Cuddly Uncle Noel", this name was given to him after he saved a burning orphanage then hugged every member of the paparazzi there he then played all the kids a song that went something like this "cccrkkks kkskkk ekrkkkkch chhhhhhhrakkkkkk".
Conflict and sexual tension with Blur
During the musical era of what's been described as "Mostly shite to be honest" or the "90's" Oasis and their Rival band "Blur" became victims of the Britpop-battle, this freindly competition between the rival singers Noel Gallagher and Damon All Bran gradually blossomed into a romance and then one regretful yet passionate night in '99
Where Are They Now?
It has been rumoured that there are in fact five members of Oasis, although this is hotly disputed by the Gallagher brothers, and when quizzed the majority of Oasis concert attendees find themselves unable to recall seeing anyone onstage other than the two stars.
However, some shifty guy in the pub last night has claimed that he was at one point the band's bassist, and that following his acrimonious departure from the group (effected when part of his finger was seen on a band photograph, attracting the wrath of Noel Gallagher) he has failed to hold down several jobs, most of them involving lifting things and putting them in vans. Another former member, who supposedly played drums for a bit, is now employed in a useless tribute band who signed to
some cunt's Alan McGee's label but only sold a record because someone thought it was a Northern Uproar one.
As for the Gallaghers themselves, rumour has it that Noel relocated to a remote Scottish island to live in a croft under a new identity - Daily Mail reported that he has probably grown a beard. After the demise of Oasis, Noel attempted to buy the rights to 'Noel Edmonds Multi Coloured Swap Shop' simply because he wanted to replace Edmonds with Gallagher, and that he 'liked the name of the show'. He failed in doing so, as Edmonds demanded a swap of his blouse's with Noel's tin whistle - the tin whistle in which he had written the hit single Live Forever with. A more recent rumour doing the rounds is that Liam is to appear on an upcoming celebrity "Stars In Their Eyes" as Ian Brown. If you enjoy the sight of one semi-evolved Northern tosser imitating another even less evolved Northern tosser, or if you are simply a fan of people who look like chimps but aren't really, then keep your eyes peeled for that celebrity special! In the meantime, courgettes remain very competitively priced.
Dig Out Your Bible
In late 2005, after a three month discussion with Russell Brand, Noel decided to get off his ass and record another album with Oasis. The album suffered an early setback when no-one could find where Liam was. He was found six months later in front of his bathroom mirror, it has been reported that during the six months of staring at himself, Liam convinced himself that he was John Lennon, Noel has since laughed at Liam, saying that "Lennon? He died six years ago!"
The album suffered another set back when Ringo’s Son was sacked from the band. The group's management said it was due to Ringo's Son wanting to play with some old bastards rather than Oasis, but it was actually due to Noel finding out that Ringo's Son's last name was Starkey and not Starr and as such, he could not be Ringo's Son. Noel said shortly after that Oasis would spend as long as possible to find a drummer who could match the skill of Ringo's Son. 10 minutes later he announced that Robbie Williams' drummer would be replacing Ringo’s Son.
Recording for Dig Out Your Bible eventually got underway in early 2007, but had to be stopped two weeks into them as no-one remembered to pick Andy Bell up at his house in Sweden (Noel has said that Andy Bell wrote the song “Turn Up The Bus” while waiting for the bus to 'turn up'). After picking Andy Bell up they returned to Abbey Road Studios. (The decision to record at Abbey Road had absolutely nothing to do with Beatles. None at all.)
Once again problems arose with Liam leaving his shades in Sweden when they picked Andy Bell up. Noel wrote a song 'The Importance Of Eating Curry' as a response to Liams dislike of indian cuisine. Without his shades, Liam locked himself in the bathroom, refusing to come out until his shades were returned. Noel, partly because he did not want to go back to Sweden and partly because he didn’t want to see Liam, left him in there and continued to record the album without him. It was during this self imposed exile from the rest of the recording studio that Liam wrote 'Solder On', inspired by him 'Soldering On' without his shades.
Liam, who finally had his shades returned to him and had since came out of the bathroom, Andy Bell, who had moved into Abbey Road Studios in a bid to not be forgotten about again, Noel, annoyed that Liam came out of the bathroom and Gem, angry at the lack of food that one can eat when he is a vegetarian, continued to write and record songs for Dig Out Your Bible. Many of the songs on Dig Out Your Bible were inspired by The Bible, despite Noel admitting that no-one in the band is able to actually read so no-one in the band actually knows what The Bible is about (although many people share this same feeling)
By halfway through 2007, recording and mixing of Dig Out Your Bible had been finished and the album was ready to be released, however, for some inexplicably reason, the band (And by band, I mean Noel) decided to not release for exactly a year later, or as Liam put it “Not for another 134 days!”. Noel’s decision left many Oasis fans bemused, with many concluding that he just needed some more time to think up of insults to throw at rival bands. The Kaiser Shits have since become Noel’s chosen band to bag out at every single opportunity, many Oasis fans are angry at this, claiming that The Kaiser Shits are not worthy of being insulted by Noel. Noel's shrivelled face is a reult of being bash in the head by a salt miner because he kept saying tht at the end of the day thats it isn't it and it pissed people off.
Since its release, Dig Out Your Bible has been reviewed favorably by almost all music magazines. Unfortunately the album did receive a bad review from the NME; luckily no-one with half a brain gives a shit about what the NME think so this review has been ignored by everyone bar Scousers.