From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
Hi my names Joshy and I’m four and I’m gonna tell you all about my Nursery – I think it’s a really cool place and I like going there a lot! In the morning Mummy drops me off after riding in the car. Sometimes in the car I play Hide and Seek, but Mummy refuses to play that with me because she can’t look for me when she’s looking at the road. Most of the time I make it really easy for her because I don’t take off my seatbelt. And then we get there she drives off to work and leaves me in “Mrs Peterson’s capable hands”. But her hands don’t look capable, whatever that means, they look wrinkly.
Mrs Peterson is the main teacher here and she’s really tall and has super thick glasses. I once saw a programme about stick insects and she looks exactly like one of them except she has grey hair and they’re bald.
But it’s ok because she doesn’t act like a stick insect, all they do is sleep to make sure owls don’t eat them but Mrs Peterson’ll take us places and she runs around and tries to make sure we don’t burn our hands on the radiator like Thomas did this one time right after she’d told us not to touch them because they were broken. I told him to do it to make sure she wasn’t lying. Adults always lie so you have to check to make certain they’re telling the truth.
Although Mrs Peterson usually does tell us the truth. Once she sat us down and told us all about the birds and the bees and how the birds fly and eat worms and how bees fly and drink from flowers and spread their seeds. Which makes me wonder why Mummy and Daddy never want to talk about it; I’ve eaten worms before.
Jamie-Lee is a girl and she sometimes helps Mrs Peterson look after us. I hate her though because she shouts and stops us from playing with Lego in case we swallow it and die because she said that that would reflect badly on her but that’s stupid, if Thomas swallows Lego again then it's him that looks stupid if he dies!
I think Jamie-Lee has a funny name because it’s made up of two boys names. Which makes me wonder if she really is a boy and was just made into a girl by magic. Maybe I could do that magic to Thomas if I started calling him Lucy-Lou.
I think Jamie-Lee hates me too because once she really lost her temper at me and called me a twat. Mrs Peterson then got really angry at her but I didn’t understand why, all she’d done was say twit wrongly but I’m not a twit so she still deserved a row. And she's a twit for not being able to say twit.
Everyday we get read a story. Usually Mrs Peterson reads it to us and most of the time they’re nasty stories about mummies and daddies being bad to their children and something Jamie-Lee called "date-rape". My Mummy’s a social worker and she says that stories like Cinderella actually happen to some little girls, but that’s OK because I’m a boy.
I like Jamie-Lee’s stories much better because they’re a lot nicer even if she’s not. Her stories are about a group of Crime Scene Investigators and they help the police solve crime and they always catch the bad guy, which makes me sleep better at night than finding out that Goldilocks escaped from the three bears because that means that the evil bears are still out there and they might eat me! I don’t want to be eated.
Sometimes Mrs Peterson tells us the “moral of the story”. This means that we have to learn something about behaviour from the story but this is stupid because geese that lay eggs aren’t real and neither are magic beans and I can’t really climb trees very well so how am I supposed to climb a beanstalk all the way up to the sky and then defeat a giant which isn’t real?
That’s something else I like about Jamie-Lee’s stories. They don’t have morals. They just let you know that if you kill somebody then you will get caught. And it shows that it’s nasty to kill people because their family gets sad about it. I would be really sad if somebody killed my Mummy and Daddy because then I’d have to go live with Mrs Peterson and Jamie-Lee and I don’t like Jamie-Lee because she shouts a lot!
Sandpit and Water Table
It’s really cool because my Nursery has a sandpit and a water table! They’re at opposite ends of the room and I prefer playing in the sandpit because only the girls play with the water table and they smell evil. Sometimes we have a war between the Sand and the Water to see who wins. I’m always Sand and we always win because it gets in the Girls’ eyes and makes them cry like babies. Sometimes it’s not fun because Mrs Peterson slips in the water and makes us all clean up the mess which isn’t fair because the girls always start it. They should have to clean it up.
When I was playing the sandpit one time I accidentally had an accident and so I put the wet sand in my bucket and made a really good sandcastle, Mrs Peterson said that it was very clever of me to take water from the water table and then she gave me a gold star which was really good because Thomas didn’t have one!
Sometimes I do like to play with the water table but only if the girls aren’t there. There was one time that I was covered in sand from playing in the sandpit and so I tried to take a bath in the water table. Jamie-Lee shouted at me and I had an accident because she’s scary, like Daddy Bear from Goldilocks. Mrs Peterson didn’t give me a gold star for this “initiative” but it was ok because Thomas had a drink from the water table even after I’d peed in it. He’s disgusting.
My Nursery has a really big garden! Mrs Peterson has been teaching us how to grow pea plants in it but this is stupid because pee doesn’t grow, it just comes out and I’ve not seen any pees come out of the ground before. She says to give it time but it’s taking forever!
One time when me and Thomas were looking after the plants – which aren’t real plants because you can’t see them – we dug a whole and we found some worms. Daddy said that if you cut a worm in half they don’t die they just re-grow their other half and so me and Thomas tried this out but Daddy was lying again! This meant that me and Thomas were murderers and so to hide the evidence we put the worms in Jamie-Lee’s coffee and then she drank them! Now the CSI’s will never find out.
I like the garden best of all because it’s like the play park Daddy takes me too sometimes except it's better because it also has a climbing frame which I climb up and then I can even see over the wall. Once I got Thomas to climb up it so he could see all the cars in the B&Q car park too but then he fell off it and the ambulance came and the ambulance man said I was a really good boy for helping Thomas when he fell - even though I didn't - but it was so cool because he said that one day I could be an ambulance man too!
And then at the end of the day it’s time to go home, usually Mrs Peterson prepares some orange juice and biscuits for us. Mummy tells me not to drink this orange juice because it’s full of deadly e-numbers but I do anyway because she’s lying, they make me feel really exited which is fun! But going home isn’t fun because Mummy won’t play Hide and Seek with me.