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The Reich thanks you for tuning in to this special broadcast of the Nineteen Thirty-Six Nuremberg Rally! All the beer and sausages in Bavaria can't keep you from this great sport, we know. The proud sponsors of this unequalled event, Otto Eberhardt Patronenfabrik, Fokker, and of course Schuberth Helme GmbH, wish to formally convey their joy in being associated with such an occasion. It's Day Two. Let's join the action!
|“||Ladies and gentlemen, this is your favorite official commentator, Irvine Lindenberg. Wow, have we got a race for you! It's a bit back from the front, where Mister Goring is off at his usual insurmountable lead, for fifth position. Yes, it's Erich von dem Bach in his trademark SS uniform, duking it out with Rudolph Hess. Look at those eyebrows! You could hide an entire armoured division in there! Hess is in a 1933 MechlebahnSchtop Roadster, 277 horsepower but prone to sudden breakdown; von dem Bach is suffering, you can clearly see it, under the weight of his two iron crosses as he sits uncomfortably at the wheel of his Überbungdenführer SA 18, manufactured in 1934. It's been back and forth as they burst through this last stretch to a High Command-approved watering hole somewhere in Bavaria. The location has been classified as the leadership wishes for it not to become polluted by undesirable elements of our great society. Let's watch this tremendous, entertaining battle for awhile, shall we...Wait. Sirs, what do you want? I'm an undesirable element?! Surely you can't be serious...let go of that microphone! Put me down! You can't replace me! You can't take me away...!||”|
Tap Tap Ahem. This is Michael Waffen, your party source for how the rubber meets the road here in the Nuremburg Rally. We're here on location in the dense forest region of Bavaria. The August air is full of the sound of oom-pah-pah bands. The heat is oppressive, and that's the way we like it. Once a year we Germans hold this awe-inspiring race, the Nuremberg Rally, throughout southern National Socialism. The silly Frenchmen may have their little bicycle tour, but we have the best, the boldest, the most modern and graceful display of man and machine locked in full-out battle for the admiration of the people of the Fatherland!
Let's jump back for a minute to the battle for fifth place. Rudolph Hess seems to have locked it up for now. I'm told that his racing career may be at a point of alteration, however; confidential sources have advised me that he is likely to promote himself from driver to manager of Team Luft in Nineteen Thirty-Seven. You remember this humanitarian's famous statement on a possible move:
“I was confronted by a very hard decision. I do not think I could have arrived at my final choice unless I had continually kept before my eyes the vision of an endless line of children's coffins with weeping mothers behind them...”
Party-funded archaeologists have discovered incontrovertible evidence that the origins of the Nuremberg Rally are rooted in the misty Middle Ages. Individual Knights of the Garter, seeking fortune and fame, raced into enemy territory trying to seize their opponents' tabards. At the annual Christmas feast, his lordship who had accumulated the majority of his fellow's tabards was presented with the Garter, release of a favoured ransomee, and a bunch of rapidly-thrown-away roses. This continued until the heathens captured Antioch and muscled their way into parts of south-eastern Europe; at that time, the knights got serious and organized horseback games of Pin The Tail On The Muslim there.
Not until the 1870s did the contest develop into anything further. At that time, Otto von Bismark had a vision of a modern race and founded the Deutsche Traktor-Geschwindigkeit Anfrage which, as Germanic institutions so often are encountered doing, sought to codify the regulations regarding races throughout much of Central and Eastern Europe. In support, Bismark immediately concluded swift victories against neighbouring nations in order to solidify the new German state, and secure a coveted former portion of Austria for the fledgling official race.
|“||It's Day Three of the Nuremberg Rally, and Hermann Goring is out in front. Schleimann and Schlieman are right behind him, looking stoic as usual in their matching coalminer's helmets as they zoom down Autobahn Section Twelve towards Dresden. Wait--there's some movement...up ahead! It's an iron eagle! There's an iron eagle on the road, ladies and gentlemen! Oh! And Goring's seen it! He pulls to the left! He motions quickly to his Hitler Youth navigator...it's a potato grenade! Out the window and at the pursuing car. An explosion! Oh, the humanity! We haven't seen action like this since Kaiser Wilhelm's nephew Kurt speared Count von Gagh's tires with a homemade spork in 1928!||”|
We Germans are always trying to classify and codify things. Science is the triumph of Western civilization! Can we help it? No. Rescue of our way of life through organization is imperative. Only natural, then, is the requirement that the rules for the master race be clarified and recorded to ensure the proper conduct of future generations. Let us visit a few salients:
1.1(a) The Race shall be comprised of several sections throughout a geographic location designated by the Physical Committee; Bavaria must be apportioned at least 40% of the length and include the Finish location.
1.2 No team may enter more than two automobiles.
1.6.1 No team may undertake aerial bombardment upon another.
4.1 Spiked wheels or other physical weaponry attached to automobiles may not be used.
11.2.7(c) Hermann Goring is the Furher's successor and shall therefore be permitted a 360-second advantage in all scoring. Broadcasters must be advised of this and failure to comply warrants reeducation.
16.0 Fishbats (1934+ editions only)
16.1 Fishbats, as weapons disconnected from the automobile, are permitted per article 4.1. The decision regarding the case of Junkermeister vs. Schlieman, 1933, is upheld and provides precedent. Schlieman was correct in employing the fishbat and absolved of any infraction.
Foreign nationalists often concentrate on their belief that many of our rules are of negative reinforcement, but we unconditionally deny this. If God had not wanted regulations of this format, he would not have made us the master race.
Hi, it's Michael Waffen again, your party man on the ground here at the Nuremberg Rally; the reporter with the Reich Stuff. Let's look back on a special message from our dear Führer, from just a few years ago:
|“||<static>...Good day, my glorious Reichsvolk. We Germans, who never had a timid day in our history, are now embarking on the greatest adventure to date: the rapid motorization of the Deutsch nation state. And we accomplish this not with foreign assistance--not with dirty Francs--not with miserable Polish labour--but through the strength and unity of our own effort. Let not the ratlike jew remove from our grasp the righteous improvements of our highways! Our young men are our future! Already they have been organized into proud work crews, shovels upon their shoulders--Teutonic knights of the pavement. And we will celebrate this jewel of modernization with the greatest, the largest, the longest automobile rally the world has ever seen! Victory! Hail! Victory!||”|
And right now we have a special guest here in the studio! Thank you for coming down from the officials' area, Mister Führer! I know you're enjoying today's racing. Is there anything you would like to share about your own history with the Nuremberg Rally that our listeners might not be aware of?
“Well, I was in a beer hall following one of the qualifying rounds, and someone shouted Heil Shichlegruber!, and Ernst Rohm leaned over and told me Adolf, baby, you must take your mother's surname. It's so much more snappy! Best move I ever made. I hate to think about it now, but later on I had to have him shot.”
Remember, you heard it here first, folks; Waffen is the scout with the scoop! Wear your armbands and show your support for our drivers!
Kontroverse von 1936
The cars are heading into the final turn! Suddenly there's a dustup at the front--Mister Goring's Odin II is obscured--I see an American car...
...Ladies and gentlemen, the most unbelievable outcome has occurred. Yes, with the world here for this year's Rally...I've just been handed the official conclusion. We of the Third Reich will just have to accept it. The facts may not make any sense; nor may they agree with Regulation 11.2.7(c). This...negro...appears to have somehow ended up in front. Shoved by circumstance and fate into the winner's circle. It's a sad day for racing. The Führer is clearly downcast, upset by these events...he's exemplifying what we all feel.
We're picking up some dialogue from an unattended mike on the field. It's Schumacher, tapping the American on the shoulder.
"Excuse me Mister Negro, you appear to be unintentionally in front of me."
I have here a press release from race officials--
|“||The German government would like to issue a statement that some technical malfunction has occurred in our fabulous rally. Obviously no one not a member of the master race is capable of winning; therefore, all other vehicles must have suffered an unknown glitch. We wish Mr. Owens well in his accidentally-gotten gains, and a speedy exit from our country, for which we are providing a rapid visa.||”|