Nuneaton

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Gnuneaton
Population:Between 1 and 5 hundred (estimate)
Mayor:Robert Kilroy-Silk
Status:Hovel
County:Nuneatonshire
Region:Terra Obscura
Politics:BNP/Respect Coilition
Post town:BANNED
Postcode:BANNED
Dialling Code:Telegram Only (not Sundays)
Gnuneaton
A cheery welcome to Nuneaton!
“Going t'Miners Arms in t'Stockingford for t'pint of t'Timothy Taylors Rapevan and t'bet t'pound note on t'dogfight, then t'home t'bludgeon t'wife with t'axe. Top night in t'Gnuneaton”
~ Richard Littlejohn on Gnuneaton.
“The people of Gnuneaton have had just about enough of these fucking smears! Lick my arse!”
~ Mary Whitehouse on Gnuneaton.
“Oooh, Shit that door!!”
~ Larry Grayson on Gnuneaton.
“Gnuneaton kills more people than death does!”
~ Zippy on Gnuneaton.

Nuneaton (often commonly spelt Gnuneaton), is a township in the Midlands, which was originally founded sometime between the Triassic Period and 1984, the year of the first Police Academy film, as an elaborate practical joke.

6fingers
The famous 'Nunite' mutation.

The township was built by prisoners in the nearby penal colony of Coventry, and is notable for resembling every other slum in the region. The town has something of a frontier mentality, where inbreeding and a total disregard for law and convention is ingrained in local culture. It is possible to tell a resident of Nuneaton apart from peasants of other shanty towns, due to the physical deformities amongst the local population, notably extra digits. This mutation is known as Nunism, and the locals as Nunites. The typical Nuneaton greeting of "Gimme Six!", met with a slapping of hands, can be regularly witnessed in most local hovels. This is known locally as the "hundred hand slap", and was famously stolen by automotive manufacturer Eddie Honda, to advertise their Street fighter range of hatchbacks. Additionally, Nunites can be identified, by their feet. As well as the extra toes, it is required that all Nunites have white socks. Anyone with any other colour, is not a local, despite any facial mutations they may have, and will not get served in Bilberries, the local mecca of sophistication.

The River Wanker runs parallel with the town sewage system, and is a haven for numerous wildlife, including plesiosaurs and brummies. In common with most parts of the third world, every man, bear, dog, woman, child and other creatures, without gills, descend on the banks, to partake in their weekly communal bath. However the town's most famous landmark is Mount Judd, an anthill, which towers some six foot above the rest of the cesspit. Mount Judd is the primary location for the borough's repeated attempts at space travel, and public executions.


edit Historic Events

The early years of the town, were largely unrecorded, however one of the first events was the founding of Nuneaton's first brewery in 1455. known locally for its own vodka, distilled from turnips, grown in Stockingford. The resultant public drunkeness led to a distinct, local accent, and culture being formed, largely involving swearing, in a slurred manner, followed by a large number of fights.

Keen to shake off its backward image, Nuneaton, first attempted to enter the space race in 1677, by tossing a fox high into the air from the peak of Mount Judd. According to local physicians, the hapless creature was the first recorded visitor of Venus, however eyewitness accounts claim the creature was merely thrown to ae hyte off ayte thourgher bread stallyones, befoyre collapsyinge to the earthe in ae mess of blode and shyte.

The 20th Century, saw many changes take place in the borough. Local resident Mary Whitehouse continued her crusade to improve moral values in Britain, and famously petitioned Nuneaton council to ban the childrens character Noddy, in 1922, after claiming that the ringing noise of the bell on his hat encouraged pre-school children to commit rape. The complaint was upheld, and it became illegal to stock any Noddy memorabilia within the town.

Gnuneatonrabbit
An anti "Chips And Cheese" protester lies dead, dressed in the traditional formal white rabbit suit, as required for local government meetings.

The Second World War brought upheaval to the town, but in true British spirit, Nuneaton played its part. Despite being landlocked, Nuneaton formed its own Navy in order to fight alongside the rest of Britain, having previously been on the side of Germany. Training involved the men performing bayonet practice underwater, in the local lido. Over 200 servicemen drowned, and the experiment was quickly brushed under the carpet by the Nuneaton Federation of Truth.

1988 saw the popularity of acid house, and in keeping with the times, Nuneaton launched its first ever night club. The entertainment consisted of a lackey lighting an oil lamp then snuffing it out repeatedly, whilst a band of oafs attempt to play the lute at breakneck speed. Popular thrash pan pipe band "The Pricks", became regular performers, until their act became linked with sniffing Rugby boots, and was declared satanic.

Fast forward into the 21st Century, and in 2005, a Nuneaton chip shop took the controversial decision of importing the popular meal, "Chips And Cheese" from nearby Leicester, which has been popular over there since 1996. Riots broke out throughout the town, and the Conservative Club was burnt down a record 12 times in 6 minutes. An effigy of the Mayor of Leicester Gary Lineker was hoisted atop Mount Judd by a hysterical mob, and fired in the direction of Hinckley from a giant cannon, the size of Wales. Over 1,200 people were killed, and a further 4,500 injured. Additionally two clocks were punched in the face, and a hastily creosoted Friesian cow (representing "Red Leicester") was forced to drink its own milk, until it collapsed and drowned.

edit Suburbs

  • Attleborough - Known for the Trident Business Park, where various pitchforks and medieval weapons are sold. Barter most welcome.
  • Bermuda - Possibly the most inappropriately named place, after the suburb of Paradise in Coventry.
  • Camp Hill - Known throughout the Kingdom as "Tramp Hill", where 95% of the residents are on the dole, and the other 5% are performing community service. Famous for its socialist leanings.
  • Chapel End - an upmarket area bordering Camp Hill (only 50% of population on dole, the rest are in the pub)
  • Galley Common - Allegedly can now receive telegrams.
  • Griff - It beggars belief why anyone would name a suburb Griff. Home of Nuneaton's second top flight football club Nuneaton Griff, and ex-miners with lung damage.
  • Hartshill - Red neck nirvana. Only 4 families have ever lived here ( see photo above of a Hartsillian with extra fingers).
  • St Nicholas Park - Funeral directors heaven. Full of rich old codgers ready to peg it. Inheritance seekers circle overhead.
  • Stockingford - The axis of evil. All true Nunites reside in Stockingford. Known for the large number of zombies, and the shops still accept the old one pound note.
  • Bucks Hill - Jealous neighbour of Camp Hill. Still holds the record for piles of dog shit per square metre.
  • Whitestone - An area that has a large ornamental phallic shaped monument that locals can be found dancing around at 4am every third Sunday of the month
  • Weddington- an ancient village promised to the town of Nuneaton by Lord Cameron in 1844, which refused to be ceded. What followed was a galatic war, until finally in 1846, the Weddies gave up their fight. Despite it's rich history, Weddington is actually a poorer version of St Nicholas, with a few more kids and dog shit.

edit Transport

Nuneatonrailway
The London Euston to Liverpool Lime Street service pauses at Nuneaton's Trent Valley station, purely for the sole purpose of throwing off scousers who refuse to pay their fare.

Nuneaton has a suitably irregular and overpriced omnibus service. Services are run by Arriva, Stagecoach and The BNP (campaign bus to Camp Hill only). When boarding, it is customary to head straight for the back seat, and etch the letters "NBFC" into the window. So called Dutch graffiti is common on the buses, appropriately named, as only someone under the influence of super skunk is actually impressed by it. More experienced bus users might like to rip the cushions off the back seat, and cut the pipe to the engine underneath it. This should cause the bus to come to a grinding halt after around five minutes. It should be noted that gangs of six year old kids frequently stand at the roadside and pelt the bus with their own shoes, particularly in the Stockingford area.

There is also a train service that calls at Bedworth and Coventry that was made specifically to expand the Nunites gene pool. Instead of using conventional rolling stock, the route uses a converted Variety Club Sunshine Bus, due the amount of window licking occuring between calling points. Half the time the rail service is replaced with a bus anyway, in order so that track workers can either sunbathe on the embankments, or sit in vans drinking tea. It is also possible to travel directly to London or Liverpool, but as no Nunites have heard of these places, they never do, and Nuneaton remains a curiosity for intercity passengers, when on train toilets fail, and are forced to get out at Nuneaton for a toilet stop. The railway station has recently built a first class lounge which now serves cans of Colt 45 and Pork Scratchings.

Hovercraft services operate between Stockingford and Weddington, and Camp Hill and the Town Centre, although are notoriously unreliable, due to operational difficulties associated with running on tarmac, rather than water.

edit Media

Nuneaton telegraph front page
More lies, designed to scare the local population

Nuneaton has several local newspapers, where the facts never get in the way of a good story.

  • The Nuneaton Telegraph - basically full of unintelligent witterings. It is largely based on the Coventry Evening Telegraph, but with all references to Coventry replaced quickly with Nuneaton, therefore the entire paper makes no sense at all. Like all newspapers, it has the the obligatory columnists who try to side with the working man, by promoting football, chips with loads of vinegar, and xenophobia, before spoiling it, by complaining about school fees and taxes on 4x4s. There will also be pointless coverage of world events, written in the style of a sixth form English student, and 90% of the pages are littered with adverts anyway. Worth reading the 'In Court' section to see if you recognise anyone.
  • The Tribune - which somehow manages to either be highly right wing and inflammatory, or highly left wing and inflammatory, depending on who you talk to. Free newspaper, so not only is it crap, but 95% of the pages are full of adverts, and the features pages are basically corporate propaganda.
  • The Heartland Evening News - full of crap about Atherstone Womens' Institute, and photos of inbred country folk having three legged races and punching scarecrows in the mouth. Sports pages consist of the local cricket team celebrating making it to the top two of the Mancetter East District Cricket League, or some other largely pointless triumph.
  • The Nuneaton Observer - useful for layering a cat's litter tray. Again a free newspaper, so will block up your letter box towards the end of the week.

Since 2007, Nuneaton has also managed to get in on the radio act. Currently the only station can be found on Citizens' Band, and consists of a few shouts of "10-4, 10-4, Breaker! Breaker!", followed by loads of pathetic sniggering and being cut off. Television cannot be viewed in the borough yet, however it is possible to go to nearby Coventry, should you be stupid enough to want to subject yourself to the filth that passes for programming. It is worth noting that most news, however, is still delivered by the Town Crier.

edit Sport

Nuneatongrif
The 1998 Nuneaton Griff squad, celebrating their 12-1 win over Manchester United top goal scorer John Ward pictured in the centre.

After the legalisation of public gaming in 2001, a number of oafs in the Borough formed a football club, known locally as Nuneaton Inbred F.C. However disputes and infighting within the club, led to the death of all 11 players, causing the club to split into two. The resultant teams became Nuneaton Borough and the moderately more successful Nuneaton Griff. Both clubs are currently on self imposed exile from the English Premiership, due to breaking the FA rules, by using dogs as substitutes, because of a lack of available human players.

Conkers, is practiced heavily in the borough, with "The Weddington Fruitbats" currently top of the Nuneaton and Bedworth District Horse Chestnut League, after an amazing win over "The Stockingford Marauders". The game lasted a record 133 days, and there were over 34 injuries to eyes, 4 deaths due to sleep deprivation, and one suicide. The referee, Lenton Gibley of Attleborough, described the contest as "nonsensible".

Other local sports include bareknuckle fist fighting, and glass throwing in The Miners Arms. Nuneaton's attempts at greyhound racing have not been successful, due to the dogs being rather unco-operative, when the jockeys tried to saddle up. Nuneaton disbanded its Rugby team in protest, after discovering that nearby Rugby does not have a Nuneaton team. The town also has a cross country skiing team, which meet regularly when there is sufficient snow upon Mount Judd. So far the club has convened twice in the last 537 years.

Nuneatonclub
Nuneaton's latest hotspot. Tonight we can clearly see that it is Ladies Night, and top comic Bernard Manning has been resurrected, and booked to entertain the young fillies.
Nuneatonlitter
The town has recently managed to cut down on spending, by scrapping waste collection. The policy now is to throw it on the ground and hope for wind.
Nuneatontories
Conservatism has never lost its popularity in the borough. Here we see the traditional bastion of moral values, note Tennents being the drink of choice for Nuneaton's Tory Community
Nuneatoncaves
Tourists from all over East Warwickshire, flock to Nuneaton, to view the sights. Pictured here are the famous Nuneaton Caves, which are now more popular than the ones in Cheddar.

edit Trivia

  • Nuneaton is affectionately referred to as Treacle Town, due to the local population being very thick. The average IQ is 58 points.
  • People in Nuneaton are also referred as Codders, which is due the stealing of fish from Hinckley, in the 1700's.
  • Camp Hill has more single mums, than there are rats in branches of Starburger.
  • Nuneaton was forced to twin with nearby Bedworth, as no other towns wanted to be associated with it.
  • The town's biggest export is STDs, and biggest import is taxpayers money, in order to issue 100,000 giros every fortnight.
  • The local branch of Dixons sold two AA batteries for five pounds, making them the most expensive in the world.
  • It is customary in Nuneaton after drinking several pints, to urinate into your own socks, which must under all circumstances be white.
  • For every baby, there are 5,000 nappies dumped on the pavement a day.
  • Until 1989, it was only possible to view Nuneaton in black and white.
  • In 2001, it was deemed necessary to replace or re-design the Queens Arcade - the birth-place of the worlds first pigeon. The Ropewalk Shopping Centre was commissioned after 4 years, it was redesigned 7241 times.
Theoretical County of Nuneatonshire
Warwickbear Birmingham | Coventry | Dorridge | Knowle | Nuneaton | Rugby | Warwick
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