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After years and years and years of experiments with Del Monte Pineapple Chunks, British scientists, in co-operation with www.CrashTestNuns.edu, a gringo and the Ghost of Christmas Past, have just finished the worlds first semi-operational, not un-fully functional, slightly moist Nun Accelerator, which will allow Nuns to travel at speeds in excess of, but not more than, Harrison Ford miles an hour; which is, in dog years, precisely the speed of light.
edit The Big Breakthrough
The Big Breakthrough was made next Thursday morning at around lunch time July 20th of August after a fresh shipment of crash-test nuns was delivered. After an enjoyable evening of farts, beef cider, and several huge smelly bridges, the tests began in earnest.
The renowned peach-scented scientist, Dr. Alfred D'Minge, published the following statement outlying, in little-or-no detail, the process involved in propelling nuns to such awesome bible-bashing speeds:
|“||The ability to 'Nunapult' at close to the speed of light has been the dream of every physics-priest since the dawn of cheese and onion crisps; some say beef, but it was definitely cheese and onion. My brother, Dr. Bushfire D'Minge, made the first breakthrough whilst experimenting with faith calculus after a rather epic win in the inter-species bean flicking competition in Julember; which, coincidently, was also a Thursday. And as many of you know, Thursday holds many magical properties since the invention of the locomobile. It is that one fact that leads me to believe it was the moisturised hand of fate that chose me to complete his work, and make it the success it is truly destined to become.||”|
|“||First, 3.14 test nuns begin running around the particle accelerator whilst individual atoms of brown sauce are introduced creating a fabled brown hole (or interspatial sphincter). This is quickly followed by freshly squeezed guano, invoking the 'Stephen Hawking Effect'. At this point we achieve light speed. Directional co-ordinates are then entered into the ship's computer, forming a stable wormhole and the nun is then launched safely through the sphincter to our desired destination. We hope this helps in the Church of England's ambition to spread the holy word at frightening speeds. And who knows, perhaps faster than Moses himself.||”|
edit The Good News
If the tests continue to work successfully, the technology could be applied to choirboys, vicars and maybe even some day the The Pope. It has been speculated that Vatican X - the Vatican’s high-tech military unit - has shown moist amounts of interest in the possibility of applying the Nun Accelerator technology in their upcoming "Pope Gun", according to Vatican spokesperson God Smith. This "Pope Gun" would be capable of sending future popes into space for next to nothing, enabling him/her/it to spread the 'word' to distant galaxies.
|“||Its unbelievably exciting and the dream of every choirboy, to be accelerated without death or socks to the speed of light. Good times!||”|
|“||Well, me and my sisters have been frothing in the alter at the thought that some day soon we may be finally able to spread the stories in the 'good book' in the way the Lord intended||”|
edit The Bad News
Sadly, with all this exciting news comes stubborn opposition in the form of a small but determined band of ultra-feminist drag queens, who label themselves "The Poodles of the Apocalypse."
Their imperious leader, Darth Poodle, is said to be threatening to switch on his unholy Microwave of Doom (at full power) with nothing inside!
A small band of United Nations representatives have 'diplomatically' urged Darth to not to go ahead with his plans, and are said to be organizing a peace-keeping mission, called "Super Power Feminine Itching Bitchy Force Go." The team will be comprised of Mr T (fool), Ricky Gervais (not funny), Benny Hill's ghost (Conservative) and Super Gran (dead).
Stay tuned for more information on this fascinating pile of crap at the same bat time, same bat channel. I'll be keeping you 'up-to-date' as the proposed development plans are made public.
Thank you. I have beem Jim D'Quim of The Poo Scientist Monthly.
Edited back to its original form by the creator: 15/07/2009. Whoever changed it missed the point completely. It's not supposed to make sense...