Nun accelerator
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After years and years and years of gobbling down endless amounts of Del Monte Pineapple Chunks, and followed by beautified moments of dull but worthwhile research, British scientists; in co-operation with the know-it-alls over at www.CrashTestNuns.edu, (A. Gringo. A Dingo and the Ghost of Christmas Past) have just finished the worlds first semi-operational (not fully functional, that is) ever-so-slightly aroused cloistered Nun Accelerator device, which will allow Cloistered Nuns to travel at speeds in excess of, but not more than, "Harrison Ford" miles an hour; which is, in dog years, precisely the speed of light.
[edit] The Big Breakthrough
The Big Breakthrough was made last Sunday morning at around lunch time July 20th of August. A fresh shipment of test crash-test dummy nuns was delivered by the local Christian clergy, the "Honorable as Long as He's Not Too Tanked-Up" Bishop Ben Dover. After an enjoyable evening of darts, an apple cider and Kool-Aid drink mixing experiment, a pizza and then several huge hits from an eBay acquired Cheech & Chong bong, the tests began in earnest.
The renowned peach-scented scientist, bigamist and all-around boring guy, Dr. Alfred D'Minge, and his assistant, John Moschitta (who is also known as the-fast-talking-guy that does those manic Fed-Ex commercials at the rate of 586 words per minute) published the following statement outlying, in little-or-no detail, the Nonsensical processes involved in propelling nuns to such awesome bible-thumping delivery speeds:
| The ability to 'Nunapult' at close to the speed of light has been the dream of every physics-priest since the dawn of cheese and onion crisps; some say beef, but it was definitely cheese and onion. My brother, Dr. Bushfire D'Minge, made the first breakthrough whilst experimenting with faith calculus after a rather epic win in the inter-species bean flicking competition in 1237; which, coincidently, was also a Thursday. And as many of you know, Thursday holds many magical properties since the invention of the locomobile. It is that one fact that leads me to believe it was the moisturised hand of fate that chose me to complete his work, and make it the success it is truly destined to become. |
| First, 3.14 test nuns begin running around the particle accelerator whilst individual atoms of brown sauce are introduced creating a fabled brown hole (or interspatial sphincter). This is quickly followed by freshly squeezed guano, invoking the 'Stephen Hawking Effect'. At this point we achieve light speed. Directional co-ordinates are then entered into the ship's computer, forming a stable wormhole and the nun is then launched safely through the sphincter to our desired destination. We hope this helps in the Church of England's ambition to spread the holy word at frightening speeds. And who knows, perhaps faster than Moses himself. |
[edit] The Good News
If the tests continue to work successfully, the technology could be applied to choirboys, vicars and maybe even some day the The Pope. It has been speculated upon that Vatican X - the Vatican’s high-tech military unit - has shown massive amounts of moist interest in the possibility of applying the Nun Accelerator technology in their upcoming "Pope Gun", according to Vatican spokesperson God Smith. This biblical gun would be capable of sending future popes into space for next to nothing, enabling him/her/it to spread the 'word' to distant galaxies.
Cathedrals, churches and brothels everywhere are quivering at the knees at the thought that they may be able to travel at speeds close to and beyond that of light.
| Its unbelievably exciting and the dream of every choirboy, to be accelerated without death or socks to the speed of light. Good times! |
| Well, me and my sisters have been frothing at the holy alter at the thought that some day soon we may be finally able to spread the stories in the 'good book' in the way the Lord intended |
[edit] The Bad News
Sadly, with all this exciting news comes stubborn opposition in the form of a small but determined band of ultra-feminist drag queens over at Google Inc. who label themselves "The Poodles of the Impending Acceleration Apocalypse."
The Poodles are claiming copyright infringement due to the fact that they believe whole-heartedly that the entire Nun Accelerator concept; from start to finish, was wholly lifted from their own invention, the Google Accelerator, an utterly useless (but popular with newbie geeks-who-know nothing) software utility program.
Their imperious leader, Darth Poodle, is said to be threatening to switch on his unholy Microwave of Doom (at full power) with nothing inside it except R2-D2's common-law wife's vibrating aluminum dildo, also known as Dearth Dildo!
A small band of stoned International United Knucklehead Nations representatives have ever-so-diplomatically urged Darth to take a chill pill and not to go ahead with his wacky plans, and are said to be organizing a peace-keeping operation, called "Super Power Feminine Itching Bitchy Force Go." The team will be comprised of Mr T (fool), Ricky Gervais (not funny), Benny Hill's ghost (Conservative) and Super Gran (dead) and the entire staff room over at the People's Republic O'Reilly Factor with Bill O'Reilly at FOXisNotReallyNews.com.
Stay tuned for more information on this fascinating pile of crap on the same bat time, same bat channel. I'll be keeping you 'up-to-date' as the proposed development plans will be made public. Please note that ALL of the alternative proposals for future development put forward for consideration. Of course whether or not we actually feel like considering them or not is another question.
Thank you. I have beem Jim D'Quim of The Poo Scientist Monthly.
