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“When I was a child I had no idea I would grow to be the gayest man in the world. My mother helped me to see the light. She would chain me to the radiator and beat me with implements. Wooden spoons, hairbrushes, shoe trees. Sometimes she used her own pendulous, shriveled teats. All the while she would force me to watch bootlegged videos of rich homosexuals having orgies. When I turned 13, I began to widen my anus with a series of graduated measures. Eventually I got it so big that I could insert an unlubricated hockey puck sideways without tearing. At that point, I knew that I was ready for the Gay Circus”Whoops! Maybe you were looking for Weapons of Mass Destruction? Bush couldn't find em either.
“Bullseye! Can I get a WOOP WOOP?!”
“I hear they are dangerous.”
anyone who looks at this tool of destruction will get raped by an ugly hermaphrodite. that has aids. and has a hairy bunghole It is the greatest tool of peace ever made. It can also be found as an animal. See Nuclear Explosions
It was invented by Jesus christ while scribbling on tissue paper in his toilet or maybe Our Lord God. The reason for designing such an uber weapon was, as quoted by Einstien himself, " Man there are way too many dumbasses on this earth, so i thought of the best solution to this problem."
While the nuke has been used to wipe out several smaller countries[see "Nuke Preventions] and is a common tool to stop riots. An average American child has fired a nuke at least 20 times before his 10th birthday.
The nuke has shown a 99.99% success rate (not that impressive, considering that it hit Japan) in preventing both Guerrilla and Parakeet warfare.
In the unlikely event that war breaks out, nukes can be used to quickly resolve the situation. Also, Dr. Strangelove loves this particular bomb, after he learned to stop worrying.
One famed nuker,remaining anonymous,once dropped a nuke on a group of enemy hostiles. One gutsy member of these hostiles, standing on the top of a skyscraper, decided to save the world with his awesomeness and dive off the tower in attempts to stop the nuke. Beating the weapon to the ground, the daring soldier called upon the powers of Bruce Lee and Chuck Norris to team roundhouse the nuke into space, making it their "bitch." Once the nuke entered space it collided with the sun, sending burning pieces of the giant star directly at the opposing team. this is what was then said, "America Wins.....FOREVER!"
Nuking in Love and War
Nuking stuff has proven popular over the last few years, especially with Jews, right-wing religious groups, George Bush and Mr. Sally's crazed uncles. By far, the most popular nuking method is the "ol' drop a nuke while riding it". There are also much more intelligent methods, involving dropping the nuke and blaming a third world country. Riding the nuke was brought to the people's attention when they watched that weird black and white movie (you know the one - nuking in the USA!). Certain black people are also able to activate nuclear missiles at will. For example, Oprah.
Nuking is a joyous activity of fun for most countries. Representatives from countries meet up in Las Vegas and start to gamble. Which ever country loses gets nuked. Japan has always been bad at this game, and once lost twice in the same week. China always tries to cheat. They once rolled a 10 on a six sided die. This led to Tiananmen Square. Bush then told China "Wada u doin' rollin' a 10 on a seven - no five, no four - sided die. I'm gonna nuke your country". but then the Chinese gave him a nice kick and bush ran away like a dog sayin "Argh! I've been shoop da wooped!"
How the Nuke Works
A nuke works by this equation: Nuke = Bruce Lee * Jesus + (Sean Connery^Jackie Chan) squared+Chuck Norris+Jamal Donkor. The resulting awesome causes Japan to explode. The only things that are more powerful than a nuke are Jack Bauer.
Nukes are commonly used to stop other poor countries from making nukes. Various countries are nuked for various reasons. The most common scale for a nuclear bombing is the dumbass scale. Based on the average IQ of the country they may or may not be bombed.
This does not exist. If you have nukafobia, consider suicide by aids insertion.
The Nuking List
In March of 2001, George Bush and Jake Bashore made the NUKING LIST. This list taught the world's gentlemen which places, creatures and types of toffee to nuke. Some popular examples include Iran, Syria, Holland, Japanese People, Basmati rice, and the Taj Mahal.
Controversy of Canada and The List
While the contents of the list were the subject of much controversy, even moreso were the contents missing from the list. Specifically, Canada. The answer however, is obvious to anyone with more than a fraction of a brain cell!
Simply put: Nothing bad happens in Canada. Ever.
In the last Taliban Press conference, their head of PR, Mr.X said he hoped in future the Taliban could use suicide Nukers. Big Bad George's comment was "Future years? Hell, they only got a month." He proceeded to nuke another hapless middle-eastern country out of existence.
- G.W. Bush is about to nuke you for reading this list as it is highly confidential and part of the national intelligence (stolen from the FBI database by Chinese h4z0rs) so.... run away to Mexico or something*** Actually, Mexico's on the nuke list too, so that ain't such a good idea. Canada would probably work better.
Nuking stuff to music has also recently become very popular with the help of Scott Mullen. 'Nuke Music' consists of terrorist bands such as System of a Down, Rage Against the Machine, My Chemical Romance, Metallica, Slayer and N'Sync. Professional Nukers will also listen to Britney Spears and Lady GaGa ,but this is only for advanced Nukers. Another skill often attempted by Nukers is NUKING IN TIME TO MUSIC. This type of nuking involves a rhythm and a beat, and plenty of time and effort. Nukes are launched by correctly stepping on one of four arrows at the right time, the more precisely the arrow is stepped on the more people are killed. A good Nuker can kill a few billion people (hell, it's China) in one round (a full war takes three rounds). Unfortunately, this is a very dangerous activity, especially if the Nuker is listening to fight fire with fire's guitar riff or solo, as it can alter the Earth's orbit around the sun(assuming theres anything left of earth). With a bit of bad luck and a very loud song, we could either be pushed out of orbit or pushed into the sun. It is generally accepted that both of these would be a Very Cool Thing.
Nuking as Advertisement
Nukes were a common yet attention grabbing marketing device that was often used until banned in 1999. Much like skywriting, a plane would fly overhead of say, a sporting event. The nuke was dropped and during the explosion, colorful dyes were released, often in colors of the product, like red and yellow for McDonald's. The enveloping mushroom cloud would char the bodies of the people these colors, and survivors who saw these colors were encouraged to choose McDonald's! Nintendo got in on the trend in 1990 when they first marketed the GameBoy to American consumers. They created the infamous "Explosion" game, that detonated whenever placed in the GameBoy and turned on. Even after a death toll of 20000, the government allowed these games to be sold. Sure there were lawsuits, but any publicity is good publicity! The lack of adults is noticed, and responsible for the 2009 recession.
Cooking food in the magical white box you all own that gives your testes cancer if you stand besides it. Eating it will cause you to become a character in the Montey Python series.
suitcase nukes are nukes that fit in a suitcase. if you want possesion of a suitcase nuke try one of the following retailers: the ussr; al-ki-EEE-Eda, george bush or ebay. commonly used by bussiness type guy people in hostile take-overs. invented by one "mahatma ghandi", they are used all over the world by suicide iced cream trucks.
N00b nukes are earned by a N00b when they run around screaming that they have a three kill streak and everybody in the match gets annoyed and gets a gun and kill themselves because they have nothing to live for anyways, while in that time of the " No Lifes" killing themselves the N00b kills all AFK's and earns a Tactical nuke or what a N00b would call it "Big Boom Boom".
Baby Sitters and Nukes
On average, 15 million babysitters nuke the kid they are babysitting. Usually the kid dies. But only 100% of the time the kid lives. One anonymous kid quotes, "It was horrible. The explosion was a little bigger than a small firecracker, you know one of those $.99 ones." Selling Nukes to babysitters have made the economy better. An average of $1.45 are made every day from selling nukes to babysitters. Says a parent, "our house was completely burned down! Only the whole house was still standing!"
Done! (but the radiation never really ends)
Oh Little H-Bomb Silo,
- how sweetly dost thou lie.
Above thy deep and dreamless sleep
- The spy satellites glide by.
Yet in thy darkness shineth
- The Everlasting Light.
The hopes and dreams of all the years
- Are met in thee tonight.
For war is born of terror,
- and gathered all around,
while angels sleep the mortals keep
- their watch on a smoldering hatred.
Oh morning stars of midnight,
- proclaim unholy birth!
As children scream we gain the dream
- of ... peace ... for men on Mars. i love men and your mum has a big hairy minge