Nuclear weapon

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia

(Difference between revisions)
Jump to: navigation, search
m (Reverted edit(s) of SovietVodkanator5774 (talk) to last version by SPIKE)
 
(29 intermediate revisions by 11 users not shown)
Line 1: Line 1:
__NOTOC__
 
   
{{whoops|Iran|North Korea}}
+
[[Image:Limited.gif|thumb|300px|right|Most of what we know about nuclear weapons is a scare technique from anti-nuclear propaganda. This map imagines that [[Russian]] submarines surround Great Britain, and that the Rooskies would waste bombs on Skye and Inverness, and would shoot several at [[London]], which is absurd, given that the entire city government is already Communist.]]
  +
{{Q|War is [[Hell!]]|George Patton, with glee}}
  +
'''Nuclear weapons''' are a special form of warfare to be used only on the last day of a war. After years of sending teenaged drafted recruits up hills on foreign beaches to be mowed down by [[machine gun]] emplacements, the [[Big Bang]] theory of warfare says that the war will be brought to a sudden end by bright lights and loud noises, much as a stalemate during an episode of ''[[Star Trek]]'' is always solved in the final two minutes by trying something completely different.
   
{{Q|They’re in Iraq, Iran, Serbia,Croatia, Madagascar, with the Amish, Albania, Antic Rome and in Atlantis too. We must make war with these people to insure our future security. |George W. Bush on Nucular Weapons}}
+
After the dropping of a nuclear weapon, the combatants stand around and mutter, "I didn't know you could do that!" Then diplomats rush in and, assisted by computer cartography, redraw everyone's borders and plow in gobs of money in reconstruction and reparations. Both of these are an easier sell than ordinary Foreign Aid. None of these fine career options would be possible without the nuclear weapon.
{{Q|Where is Captain Obvious when we need him?.|Oscar Wilde on location of Captain Obvious}}
+
__TOC__
{{Q|I'm right here!|Captain Obvious on Himself}}
 
   
[[Image:Microwave.JPG|left|thumb|200px|A common household accident]]{{wikipedia}}
+
== Misconceptions ==
Discovered during the stone-age, but kept a great secret by the [[Stone Age]] [[CIA]], '''Nuclear Weapons''' (pronounced by a well-known world leader as "nook-ul-er weapons") were a gift from the [[god]]s of [[Heavy Metal]] Rock (or, according to other sources, [[disco]] or even [[rhythm and blues]]) used to "Nuke" the [[dinosaurs]] off the face of the [[earth]] in 1337 AD. Designed for [[humans]] to dance around late at night in great celebrations of the harvest, the gods intended the Nuclear Weapons to be an item for celebration
+
[[Image:Operation Crossroads Baker Edit.jpg|left|thumb|200px|A common household accident can occur when leaving the microwave oven unattended.]]
  +
The [[media]] often exaggerate the harmful effects of nuclear weapons. Perhaps the biggest danger from a nuclear explosion is the dazzling initial light that is emitted for several seconds; looking directly at it can be as dangerous as staring into the [[sun]] for too long, and those with fair skin may require [[lotion]]. Arriving as [[thunder]] follows [[lightning]], the blast wave may dislodge leaves from trees, scratch window panes, loosen roof tiles and cause unshielded [[eyes]] to [[water]]. If a nuclear [[explosion]] occurs on or near the ground, the [[head]] of the [[mushroom]] may float on the breeze for many miles, drifting to earth and dirtying exposed washing, car windscreens and light-coloured paintwork.
   
Thus, soon the Nuclear Weapons were used to "Pwn" all of the "[[n00bs]]" in [[existence]]. And pwn they did. For several years, no n00bs were left, and the weaker of the denizens of the night had to repopulate the n00b race.
+
== Nuclear formulae ==
+
[[Albert Einstein]] innocently set the stage for nuclear death when he penned the classic equation: ''e'' = ''m&bull;c<sup>2</sup>.'' This states that ''e,'' the energy produced by The Bomb, would be ''m,'' the mass, times ''c'' squared, which is to say an unimaginably large number, made even more unimaginable by multiplying by itself.
== Misconceptions of Nuclear Weapons ==
+
{{wikipedia}}
[[Image:Limited.gif|thumb|200px|right|The effects of nuclear attack are acceptable yet unsurvivable.NUKES ARE ALMOST AS DEADLY AS THE SUN! This map demonstrates that the UK population would be killed by a limited [[Russian]] attack, with major population centers such as Ceredigion, the faery ring in your mom's backyard, and Invernesshire being sent to hell! (YAY!)]]
+
Einstein thus showed that The Bomb would do ''e'' amount of damage. This is because he was too respectable to simply say that The Bomb would do a [[shitload]] of damage. If he had put it that way, we might have paid attention before two thousand of them had been made.
 
The [[media]] often inaccurately portray the harmful effects of nuclear weapons as greater than they would actually be. Perhaps the biggest danger from a nuclear explosion is the dazzling initial light that is emitted for several seconds; looking directly at it can be as dangerous as staring into the [[sun]] for too long, and those with fair skin may require [[lotion]]. Arriving as [[thunder]] follows [[lightning]], the blast wave may dislodge leaves from trees, scratch window panes, loosen roof tiles and cause unshielded [[eyes]] to [[water]]. If a nuclear [[explosion]] occurs on or near the ground, the [[head]] of the [[mushroom]] may float on the breeze for many miles, drifting to earth and dirtying exposed washing, car windscreens and light-coloured paintwork.
 
 
It was once believed Nuclear Weapons could be obtained by haX0ring the "[[matrix]]." This has been disproved numerous times often resulting in spinal injuries and random attacks by ninjas wielding double butter knives.
 
 
In recent years there have been concerns over Osama Bin Tootin obtaining and or using these weapons and storing them in his midget-operated [[uranium]] mine (co-operated with [[Lindsey Lohan]]). The fact is that [[Osama]] does not own these Nuclear Weapons but in fact has a massive storage of super-combustible [[corndogs]] which may or may not explode while in the urinal tract. He really wants one, and will do literally anything to get one, including boarding the 333 train (the gay train)
 
 
People long thought that the nuclear bomb was invented in [[America]] with the help of East and West European scientists, but it was actually mass produced by the [[Romans]], with the help of Jesus Christ and his science club. Since Christians have never had a great understanding of science, the Romans accidentally set the weapons to attack and destroy themselves.
 
 
A nuclear weapon should NEVER EVER EVER NEVER be confused with a nukuler weapon, patented in 2001 by [[George Bush]]. This weapon is lethal only to Republicans, English Teachers, and someone named Eddie in [[Colorado]]. It usually kills with raw stupidity, but some fallout can occor, causing diseases such as cholorous mispronouncious and republicous canyouactuallypronouncethewordnuclearcorrectlymrbushisous catastrophious. The only test of such a weapon was in Northern Western semi-East Korea, mistaken for a nuclear test. It failed the test, getting a 58% on the written section, but an A++ on the CNN newsworthyness scale, right behing the story of [[Anna Nicole Smith's]] death after a failed stomach transplant from a sheep.
 
 
== What aren't, was, or were Nuclear Weapons? ==
 
 
A long time ago, during the [[sixteenth century]], people thought that [[nude women]] were effective in launching attacks against their adversaries. Those people, were obviously in [[Castles]], many believing them to be statues of the gods. That misconception somehow made many people in sixteenth century [[Europe]] make up the fact that nukeclear=nudity. According to modern [[research]], Nuclear Weapons are best used in confined quarters like the [[UnStar]], and a [[room]], preferably not in private, but open to the world, so a possible [[Fart]] Detonation could wreak havoc amongst the entire [[human]] race. The confirmation of [[humanity]] is still underway.
 
 
There are currently 999.999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999998 quintillion combinations of making the nuclear weapon. According to the [[First Amendment]] of the Law of Uncoodestruction, Section IV, Chapter 2, Paras 11-19, nukeclear stuff are best used as weapons during a time of [["psychological maternity leave"]].
 
 
Note: according to Al Gore and Hillary, Nucular is just George W's mispronunciation, NOT AN ACTUAL WORD. But, hey, Gore slightly exaggerates global warming and says he invented the Internet.
 
 
Nuclear weapons were long thought to be a useless device, until an unnamed junior scientist invented the [[Green Lightbulb]]. This revolutionised the industry, since now military leaders would now know that they were safe from attack.
 
 
== The Nuculaic Formulae ==
 
 
<center>
 
 
<math>6^{douche}*3 = 16</math>
 
 
</center>
 
 
Douche (0.934264) is the new math version of the golden ratio. Now since we all know that the number 16=infinity, then we know of the eternal heartache that ensues when a nuclear weapon is used. When the formula is written out on paper and correctly solved with the appropriate variables for "douche" the medium used to express the equation will turn into a nuclear weapon, via an enchantment from a magical dragon named "Karn". Back in 27 AD, the result from the equation was used in combination with satanistic worshipers to develop what we now know as the "Karnival" (aka [[Ringling Brothers Circus]])
 
and the cats in the cradle and the silver spoon
 
   
 
==Nuclear proliferation==
 
==Nuclear proliferation==
  +
[[File:Global Warming.png|thumb|250px|right|This simple kitchen experiment shows the effects of "nuking" the entire Planet Earth.]]
  +
Nuclear weapons require fuel from many years of processing inside breeder reactors and enrichment systems, as well as advanced control systems and perfectly crafted explosive lenses. This makes some people believe that scrappy Third-World terrorists can’t manufacture them. Unfortunately, opportunistic ex-Commies are making a handsome living from selling nuclear weapons to [[terrorism|terrorists]], mad scientists and disgruntled North American high school teenagers, like the 18 Megaton thermonuclear warhead purchased off of [[eBay]].
   
[[Image:Ebay bomb png.PNG|thumb|490px|right|This item is being sold as a collectible item only it is not to be used as a weapon of mass destruction! (dammit)]]
+
In recent years, there have been concerns over [[al-Qaeda]] obtaining and using these weapons and storing them in their [[uranium]] mine (whose owner of record is [[Lindsey Lohan]]). The fact is that al-Qaeda owns no nuclear weapons. However it has a massive stockpile of super-combustible [[Corn|corn dogs]]. It hopes to wreak ''jihad'' and bring down the West through a coordinated attack of indigestion, perhaps timed to occur in the late innings of a prime-time baseball game.
   
Nuclear weapons require fuel from many years of processing inside breeder reactors and enrichment systems, as well as advanced control systems and perfectly crafted explosive lenses. This makes some people believe that scrappy third world terrorists can’t manufacture them – they’re probably right. Unfortunately, opportunistic ex-commies are making a handsome living from selling nuclear weapons to members of Al Qaeda, mad scientists and disgruntled North American high school teenagers, like the 18 Megaton thermonuclear warhead purchased off of ebay by Jacob Bashore, and the 40 Kiloton atomic bomb purchased by Billy Bob Joe.
+
==Deterrence==
  +
A small minority of [[Pentagon]] officials believe that the mere possession of nuclear weapons dissuades war by making it too horrific to contemplate, in contrast to regular wars, which are mild and pleasant. In this theory, superpowers achieve "Mutual Assured Destruction" by being able to flash-fry every acre of each other's territory with the press of a button; and nothing ever happens.
   
Nuclear weapons are frequently sold on eBay, as can be seen in the picture to the right.
+
By extension, if Earth's 210 nations all had nuclear weapons, every conflict in existence would become unthinkably awful and we would all revert to [[Tree huggers|hugging trees]] instead.
   
==Nuclear Weapon Resolution & Series==
+
The only world leader who resisted this theory was [[Ronald Reagan|Reagan]], who started a foolish race to use unproven technology to defend the U.S. against The Bomb. The [[Soviet Union]] called this an act of war, as any nation with an actual defense would become the only one for which the weapon would be a weapon. Happily, Reagan's opponents ridiculed his [[Star Wars]] plan and hounded his party into obscurity (not that it didn't help them), at which time they were free to do the same thing while calling it something else.
There are 3 different resolution & series of nuclear weapon: SD (Standard Destruction), HD (High Destruction), and Full HD. All resolution in 3 series: Kt (KiloTon), Mt (MegaTon), and Gt (Gigaton).
 
{| class="wikitable sortable"
 
|-bgcolor="#ccccff"|align="center"
 
! Resolution!! Yield !!Series
 
|-
 
| [[SD]] || 720 x 576 || [[Kt]]
 
|-
 
| [[HD]] || 1366 x 768 || [[Mt]]
 
|-
 
| [[Full HD]] || 1920 x 1080 || [[Gt]]
 
|}
 
   
  +
==Disarmament talks==
  +
The [[United Nations]] Protocols on Nuclear Proliferation seek to prevent the spread of nuclear weapons throughout the world, restricting these horrible weapons to countries that really ought to have them, such as the [[United States]], [[France]], and of course any nation that refuses to sign the treaty. The United States itself is suspicious of this treaty even though [[Uncle Sam]] is [[grandfather]]ed in. As all flavors of [[pie]] consist of [[molecule]]s, themselves comprising one or more [[atom]]s, and every atom has a nucleus, the treaty, given an expansive interpretation by the U.N., could be construed as outlawing the pumpkin pie on every [[Thanksgiving]] dinner table. It is as pernicious as the Treaty on Small Arms, which many members of the [[Tea Party movement]] believe will impose international restrictions on those of us who buy overcoats in Size 34 and smaller.
   
Nuclear weapons were only developed for one reason, and that reason was to rid the World of SKANGERS so that emos, skinheads, goths and punks could thrive! They was also used to remove stupidity aka Hiroshima! They were also used just to annoy people aka Nagasaki!
+
[[File:Gwbwar.jpg|thumb|right|President George W. Bush believed that "nucular" weapons could transform geopolitics.]]
   
True story: A guy was coming home to Hiroshima only to find all his friends dead! He then took the train to Nagasaki only to find his family dead! I would hate to be this douche!
+
==Other nuclear weapons==
  +
[[U.S.]] [[politicians]] from [[George W. Bush]] to [[Walter Mondale]] have talked about a next generation of doomsday tool, the '''nucular weapon'''. This is thought to be deadlier and easier to deploy than mere nuclear weapons. The United Nations has never conducted any disarmament talks on "nucular" weapons, and they are rarely discussed outside the United States, which appears to be the only nation that has a stockpile.
   
 
==See also==
 
==See also==
 
*[[Kaboom]]
 
*[[Kaboom]]
 
*[[The end of the world prank|Using nuclear bombs for a joke]]
 
*[[The end of the world prank|Using nuclear bombs for a joke]]
  +
{{-}}
  +
{{nuclear}}
   
 
[[Category:Weapons]]
 
[[Category:Weapons]]
 
[[Category:Things That Will Kill You]]
 
[[Category:Things That Will Kill You]]
 
[[Category:Weapons of Mass Destruction]]
 
[[Category:Weapons of Mass Destruction]]
{{nuclear}}
 
 
 
[[ja:核兵器]]
 
[[ja:核兵器]]
 
[[pt:bomba atômica]]
 
[[pt:bomba atômica]]

Latest revision as of 00:12, April 27, 2014

Limited

Most of what we know about nuclear weapons is a scare technique from anti-nuclear propaganda. This map imagines that Russian submarines surround Great Britain, and that the Rooskies would waste bombs on Skye and Inverness, and would shoot several at London, which is absurd, given that the entire city government is already Communist.

“War is Hell!
~ George Patton, with glee

Nuclear weapons are a special form of warfare to be used only on the last day of a war. After years of sending teenaged drafted recruits up hills on foreign beaches to be mowed down by machine gun emplacements, the Big Bang theory of warfare says that the war will be brought to a sudden end by bright lights and loud noises, much as a stalemate during an episode of Star Trek is always solved in the final two minutes by trying something completely different.

After the dropping of a nuclear weapon, the combatants stand around and mutter, "I didn't know you could do that!" Then diplomats rush in and, assisted by computer cartography, redraw everyone's borders and plow in gobs of money in reconstruction and reparations. Both of these are an easier sell than ordinary Foreign Aid. None of these fine career options would be possible without the nuclear weapon.


edit Misconceptions

Operation Crossroads Baker Edit

A common household accident can occur when leaving the microwave oven unattended.

The media often exaggerate the harmful effects of nuclear weapons. Perhaps the biggest danger from a nuclear explosion is the dazzling initial light that is emitted for several seconds; looking directly at it can be as dangerous as staring into the sun for too long, and those with fair skin may require lotion. Arriving as thunder follows lightning, the blast wave may dislodge leaves from trees, scratch window panes, loosen roof tiles and cause unshielded eyes to water. If a nuclear explosion occurs on or near the ground, the head of the mushroom may float on the breeze for many miles, drifting to earth and dirtying exposed washing, car windscreens and light-coloured paintwork.

edit Nuclear formulae

Albert Einstein innocently set the stage for nuclear death when he penned the classic equation: e = m•c2. This states that e, the energy produced by The Bomb, would be m, the mass, times c squared, which is to say an unimaginably large number, made even more unimaginable by multiplying by itself.

Bouncywikilogo9
For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article very remotely related to Nuclear weapon.

Einstein thus showed that The Bomb would do e amount of damage. This is because he was too respectable to simply say that The Bomb would do a shitload of damage. If he had put it that way, we might have paid attention before two thousand of them had been made.

edit Nuclear proliferation

Global Warming

This simple kitchen experiment shows the effects of "nuking" the entire Planet Earth.

Nuclear weapons require fuel from many years of processing inside breeder reactors and enrichment systems, as well as advanced control systems and perfectly crafted explosive lenses. This makes some people believe that scrappy Third-World terrorists can’t manufacture them. Unfortunately, opportunistic ex-Commies are making a handsome living from selling nuclear weapons to terrorists, mad scientists and disgruntled North American high school teenagers, like the 18 Megaton thermonuclear warhead purchased off of eBay.

In recent years, there have been concerns over al-Qaeda obtaining and using these weapons and storing them in their uranium mine (whose owner of record is Lindsey Lohan). The fact is that al-Qaeda owns no nuclear weapons. However it has a massive stockpile of super-combustible corn dogs. It hopes to wreak jihad and bring down the West through a coordinated attack of indigestion, perhaps timed to occur in the late innings of a prime-time baseball game.

edit Deterrence

A small minority of Pentagon officials believe that the mere possession of nuclear weapons dissuades war by making it too horrific to contemplate, in contrast to regular wars, which are mild and pleasant. In this theory, superpowers achieve "Mutual Assured Destruction" by being able to flash-fry every acre of each other's territory with the press of a button; and nothing ever happens.

By extension, if Earth's 210 nations all had nuclear weapons, every conflict in existence would become unthinkably awful and we would all revert to hugging trees instead.

The only world leader who resisted this theory was Reagan, who started a foolish race to use unproven technology to defend the U.S. against The Bomb. The Soviet Union called this an act of war, as any nation with an actual defense would become the only one for which the weapon would be a weapon. Happily, Reagan's opponents ridiculed his Star Wars plan and hounded his party into obscurity (not that it didn't help them), at which time they were free to do the same thing while calling it something else.

edit Disarmament talks

The United Nations Protocols on Nuclear Proliferation seek to prevent the spread of nuclear weapons throughout the world, restricting these horrible weapons to countries that really ought to have them, such as the United States, France, and of course any nation that refuses to sign the treaty. The United States itself is suspicious of this treaty even though Uncle Sam is grandfathered in. As all flavors of pie consist of molecules, themselves comprising one or more atoms, and every atom has a nucleus, the treaty, given an expansive interpretation by the U.N., could be construed as outlawing the pumpkin pie on every Thanksgiving dinner table. It is as pernicious as the Treaty on Small Arms, which many members of the Tea Party movement believe will impose international restrictions on those of us who buy overcoats in Size 34 and smaller.

Gwbwar

President George W. Bush believed that "nucular" weapons could transform geopolitics.

edit Other nuclear weapons

U.S. politicians from George W. Bush to Walter Mondale have talked about a next generation of doomsday tool, the nucular weapon. This is thought to be deadlier and easier to deploy than mere nuclear weapons. The United Nations has never conducted any disarmament talks on "nucular" weapons, and they are rarely discussed outside the United States, which appears to be the only nation that has a stockpile.

edit See also


Yellow nuclear trefoil The Nuclear Family
 v  d  e
Baby's First Nuclear WarheadBackyard nuclear reactorBaseball-based nuclear weapons delivery systemNuclear fissionNuclear missileNuclear powerNuclear reactorNuclear safetyNuclear vaguenessNuclear warfareNuclear wasteNuclear weapons
Personal tools
projects