Atomic bomb
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The Atomic Bomb was the world's greatest invention. Its inventors used glue, duct tape, and staples to put it together. It was received with joy by many as being the largest and fastest transport available at the time. In 1945 two Japanese cities were both made very happy.
Although it was tested thoroughly beforehand, the Japanese government demanded better service if they were to be nuked again, stating that there were still "some buildings standing, and the odd person survived." American officials apologized and have since been building more destructive bombs to meet the needs of the modern world.
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[edit] History
The very FIRST Atom Bomb was believed to be developed by MacGyver, but this theory has recently been disproved. We now know that the Atom Bomb was developed by 300 monkeys attempting to create the next "Shakespear" play. While delivering their creation to the patent office where Albert Einstein was working at the time, died after dropping a black ink pen into it's neck, where it killed the monkey. After retitling the masterpiece Einstein's theory of relativity Einstein went to work with Opium-heimer (see Oppenheimer) George Clooney made a spoof of the effects of the atomic bomb, nicknamed Alice in wonder land. Of course he could not remember writing this summary so for a while it just rested on a shelf in his home, however, one fine day known to communists as Red October, Oppenheimer was forced into drug rehab, and upon his release he discovered his summary and from it developed the blue prints for the Atom Bomb. He made his first nuclear bomb from cannabis leaves and salt.
In an interview with the owner of Macdonalds and George Bush, Oppenheimer revealed that the main elements to an Atom bomb was a pint of Russian vodka along with 76.023 grams of fresh baguette juice and grain silo housing.
What to do if you encounter one?
[edit] Current deployment
The atomic bomb is in hibernation at the moment. The 2009 Invasion of Iran is, according to Press Secretary Chef Boyardee, the atom bomb's next scheduled flight. It is known for a fact that the United States and Russia are building up the largest once-for-all transportation device in the world by sending all people to heaven or hell using components of atomic bombs. The projected completion date is somewhere in the mid-21ish century.
[edit] How to make One
There are two ways to make an Atom Bomb. The right way and the wrong way.
First Way: First you take your flour and mix it with your sugar and your water as well as two eggs (Grade A—remember this is weapons grade here!) to make the "Nuclear Envelope" (otherwise known as the crust). Then you take your filling (cherry, pumpkin, apple—this will vary upon the payload you wish to deliver- with the highest being whipped cream), in our case whipped cream for maximum effect. And gently place it in the oven (enriching stage). This is where your bomb will take shape. Set it to fuck at 573 1/2 degrees Kelvin for 2 days. At 17 hours 36 minutes and 84 seconds (yes 84 seconds!!!) toss in 3 rotten eggs and quickly shut the door. This will add a certain...stench to the brew and will drastically increase the power of the blast. At 41 hours 12 minutes and 4.63511 seconds you need to insert a single (1) cheese wheel soaked in kerosene (karo-sceen) at the ass of the bomb (note: if you fail to insert the cheese wheel soaked in kerosene at exactly this time, your bomb will NOT work at all, instead you'll need to start over). Allow it to incinerate until at exactly 48 hours you need to charge in and drop the temperature to -53 degrees Fahrenheit followed by a temperature rise to 41 degrees Celsius. This sudden cooling and warming will ensure complete mixing. You should be left with one (1) completely melted, smouldering, and utterly destructive working atomic weapon.
Second Way: This way is arguably easier, and can be completed in a short amount of time. First you will need Swiss cheese, 2% milk, a normal drinking glass, toilet paper, aluminium foil, and Xbox Live (so you can brag to your friends- oh...um...never mind). First, pour the milk into the glass. The glass is your container. Next, rip the cheese into small globs and put that into the glass. Cover the top with toilet paper. Then cover the toilet paper with aluminium foil. You set off the bomb by throwing the bomb at a target. The glass will shatter and reach the resonant frequency of the cheese, which will cause it to react violently with the milk and cause flame, which will light the toilet paper, which will cause an extreme reaction with the aluminium foil.
In Soviet Russia, bomb explodes YEAH!!!!!!!!!
[edit] How to use one (or how I learned to stop worrying and just press the goddamn red button)
To use your new atom bomb you first need to select your target (a small city, industrial facility, or your neighbours house to give a few examples). Secondly you need to disguise it, as walking down the street with an atomic bomb is likely to get you raped by fat people. Thirdly you have to be completely and totally insane (and I mean Insane). Being insane is not an option, it is a requirement because you have to be desperate to use one of these (I.E.: your neighbours dog won't shut up at night and their yard is more of a dump/toxic waste site AND they refuse to clean it up AND they are super annoying and UGLY). Facial hair or a turban is also required, as well as some sort of uniform (desert robes DO count, but you MUST have a turban). Civilian clothes are OK for field operatives but they've got to have an illegal stockpile of weapons in a 120 degree storage locker and go there regularly to look important. But penguins have already done this, so there's no reason to do it anymore.
Optional requirements:
- Believing in Allah, the Jihad or Muhammed is not a requirement, however it may be useful to have a "worthy" cause or supposed "belief" to hide your mindless destruction behind. This also gives the news people at ABC, CBS, NBC, CNN something to talk about (as if they know anything other than what's on the Teleprompter anyway right?).
- A sleek silver case to put the thing in (just like on 24!).
- At least one (1) unmarked Chevy van with either tinted windows or no windows at all as well as several (4-7) gas guzzling SUV's and other unnecessary vehicles that serve no purpose but to waste money, gas and just show off that you're evil and no good. Preferably white, rusty, and busted (Just like George Bush!), if you fill the average arab mentality.
- Fake everything (credit cards, green cards, hair, noses, teeth, etc...) because you can't let them know who you are or what you do without getting tortured first (Come on! It's in the Handbook on how to be a terrorist/evil villain/dictator didn't you read that part?)
- Video camera/Camera (you know, to show the family back home just what you did and to upload on youtube to show how so cool it is!)
- A white Lab coat/Dress (you Are a mad scientist/arab you know)
- A funny story for the interrogation team (you know, mix things up a little bit, make them laugh about it and so on) GIVE ME SEXXXXXXXXX
- A red shirt or brown pants (depends on how you think you may feel during and after your awesome display of power!)
- A cool terrorist/dictator/evil villain name (examples: Osama bin Laden, Adolf Hitler, Joseph Stalin, Dr. No, Dr. Evil, Lord Guin)
- An acronym for your evil society or group (SMERSH, KGB, KKK, DEM, REP, MADD, OMFG, GOP, SA, NAACP, NASDAP, SS, USAAF, UN, Penguins)
- One large baked potato wedge extra salt. Use this at the board meeting as you discuss your intelligent plans to cause mindless destruction. hold back on the oil when baking because bin laden is watching his figure.
- A big fat ass to kiss goodbye. good luck..... fucking freak...
- Something that characterizes you (example: Hitler's mustache) so that people will be able to make jokes about you in 50 years.
[edit] Bono
It is possible that some sort of rock singer with silly glasses may attempt to dismantle your atomic bomb. Be wary of this, and employ some sort of henchmen (or sea bass with lasers on their heads) to stop it.
[edit] iPod's Of Destruction
The atomPod. It looks exactly like a iPod Video, the only difference is that it can remove 712,365,125 km's of land!.
After claims today of a 'destructive' iPod Video, Apple Corporation have appeared in front of a court to defend their rights. The atomPod will include a 5912 kT (Kilo Tonnes) atomic bomb that detonates when the 'Shuffle Songs' button is pressed. Apple being the same 'loophole-leaving' company forgot to add a remote. So when detonated, the user and the 712,365,125 km's (Kilometers) around the 'atomPod' will be vaporised instantly. Apple has proven insane in the past, especially with the iNuke. So will Apple be smudged under the court of law? Or will they leap to safety (like usual)? We might also be seeing George W. Bush's input in this case for Apple, because of the US's involvement with the iNuke.
Many other corporations and evil-street-buskers[1] have encountered problems constructing 'clone' nuclear devices. These inadequacies are commonly blamed on the patented "iSotope" technology, which is vigorously defended. Carbon-14 was recently sued for damages after breaching the license by its inclusion in oranges, bananas and other illegal fruit copies.
I licked pussy out of a vagina
In conclusion, we might as well start buying iMacs from now, because our inner sources tell us, the 'atomPod' will be used on Microsoft, literally 'eliminating' the competition.
The iHome, however, only has enough power to blow up your house. It is less boom, for less money.lol 3 2...1... BOOOOM! Holy Shit!
[edit] Other pieces of useless info
- Nuke
- Population bomb
- Atomic Kitten
- Adam Ant
- Pluto
- The Hulk michael jackson was here and raped a little child
- Brie bomb
- Critical Ass
- Heaven
- Hell
- Michael Jackson
- Hiroshima
- Nagasaki
- MIGI am poor give me sex
Suck me micheal jackson, my ass is happy
