Nottingham
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“Nottingham - Shottingham to be precise”~ My Media Studies teacher on Nottingham
“A strong smell of rotting ham, can be found in Nottingham”
~ Miss Piggy on Nottingham
“It is everything I had ever hoped for”
~ Anatoly Kalashnikov
“I put Derby next to it to make it look better by comparison”
~ God
Nottingham, generally pronounced Nottigub by its beetle-browed inhabitants, is also known as Nottingun, Shottingham and Shootingham; the differences in spelling being due to the necessary translation of the name into English. A small and picturesque village, Nottingham can be found in The People's Republic of the East Midlands, which can be located on the outskirts of London, Newcastle Upon Tyne, Manchester and Glasgow, if you believe the bollocks the City Council spout in their hyped-up, over-the-top advertising. (If you're in a hurry, Nottingham can also be found on the village map, available at the local village green Post Orifice, most Tuesdays from 10.00am.)
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[edit] Geography
Nestled languidly in a former colliery just north of South, the charming high-class resort plays host to some of the most dramatic scenery to be found anywhere south of North. Unfortunately for Nottingham, it is considered too northern by pansies poofs shandy drinkers southerners to warrant any interest; but also way, way, too far down south for the pie-munching flat-cap-wearing whippet-fucking Northerners to worry their heads about.
Similarly, neither East nor West seem too bothered about claiming Nottingham for their own, leaving it in a place that doesn't actually exist at all.
Nottingham is so remote from North, South, East and West that it doesn't even get a mention on it's local weather forecast, never mind the national one. (And it fucking never gets a mention on the national weather, trust me.)
[edit] Government Policy for Nottingham
As a result of its' unlikely placement in the middle of the country, funding wasn't allocated at all for Nottingham until 2005.Upon receiving the first batch of the long-awaited money from the treasury, the city's councillors rushed straight out and squandered £10 TRILLION of tax-payers' money on some new paving slabs. These slabs were obviously placed directly outside the village's Council House, (obviously, duh,) ironically leaving those inhabiting council housing to die like the scum that the council says they were/are. (No, they really did, dude. Seriously.)
[edit] Recent 'improvements'
More recent changes of local government policy have had a dramatic effect on the city's population. Generations of deprivation, poor educational achievement, low expectations, poor healthcare, gun crime, poverty, injustice, decades of underfunding, urban decay, social eugenics, bad planning and sheer bloody stupidity within the City's Council of Warlocks have all been righted throughout Nottinghamshite, with the introduction of PR men to ensure any bad publicity is removed or challenged post haste! Costing almost half a million pounds PA, these public propaganda machines are still cheaper than actually fixing the problems faced by Europe's biggest Utopia, receiving a pittance when compared to the 'expenses' of certain local councillors. (OMG, that bit's all true as well, isn't it? Thought so. You couldn't make it up.)
[edit] The robbing of the rich to give to the councillors
Within the core of Nottingham's world-famous row-of-paving-slabs exists a low mass Black Hole, into which the money of the city's taxpayers constantly streams, utilising the rails of the costly Tramp-line as conduits through which the money effectively feeds the black hole. This produces some other serious and undesirable effects within the locality, which are detailed in part below. (Certain details are just too chilling to be printed in a family publication.)
[edit] Robin Hood
Robin Hood (sometimes spelled Robbin' Hoody in earlier texts) was in his time a world champion Pork Pie eater and is a fabled former resident of the quaint Nottingham suburb of Bulwell, where many of the most wonderful Nottingham citizens reside or have previously existed. (This incarnation of Robin Hood is unfortunately as fictional as the other 'wonderful Nottingham residents' mentioned in the last sentence.)
[edit] The REAl Robin Hood
The Real Robin Hood was born to parents of opposite sexes in Wakefield, Yorkshire, where they all lived happily for many years before Robin was born in Ashby-De-La Zouch, Leicestershire. Named after the Public House his parents ran in Rotherham, Robin was born on the pool table, shooting out of his mother so fast he split a pool cue apart along it's length.
As he grew older, he got in with the 'wrong crowd', grew his hair all long and moved into a tree with a load of gay 'merry' men. He never once went to Nottingham, as they had invented guns there. He wasn't daft!
Robin was, however, a simple street mugger, and he always kept the booty to himself, often muttering the phrase, "fuck the proles, it's all mine". Unfortunately, he was one of the proles himself, and generally speaking robbed his own, which is widely acknowledged as being similar to pissing on your own foot. Robin Hood's fame is likely thanks to his descendants, the people of Nottingham, who to this day continue his ground-breaking work in the field of Armed Robbery.
[edit] Gun Culture
Nottingham is world famous for its enduring association with guns. The city has won the prestigious "Golden Bodybag" award no fewer than twelve times, a record that keeps it in the forefront of high velocity fragments of heated lead piercing flesh and vital organs innovation. Despite strong competition from younger cities such as Los Angeles and Basra Nottingham has retained its position as "City where one is most likely to have their body riddled with bullets for no meaningful reason." Such is the history and culture of the city rooted in anarchic, quasi-feudal armed territorial criminal disputes, it is now the custom for travellers to Nottingham to be welcomed by the cheerful local populace with ceremonial drive by shooting displays. It is considered quite an honour in Nottingham for one to have their face blown off by a resident of Sneinton or St. Anns. The foreign tourists are often most impressed by this display of firepower
[edit] Pastimes
The people of Nottingham often role-play Grand Theft Auto out on the street.
[edit] The Nottingham Black Hole
The Nottingham Black Hole makes its presence felt mostly on Thursday, Friday and Saturday evenings, where its powerful gravitational forces suck in large numbers of ape like humans, intent of getting very drunk whilst dressing in entirely inappropriate clothing (especially the Obese Pineapple Heads) whilst listening to Gangster Music. On these special evenings, the local Public Houses and Nightclubs become engorged, completely filling up with such creatures from the surrounding areas.
[edit] The Notts Anthem
Nottingham has recently become the first small-blackhole-centred township to have its own anthem. Recorded by Nottingham's most friendly and well shaven chavs, The Game Cartel, who just so happen to be a bunch of cunts. Roughly the Notts Anthem Goes:
“The city of Notts, Notts, Notts. The city of Glocks, Glocks, Glocks. Every night i hear Gun shots, shots, shots,; But thats what its like when your living in Notts.”
~ Game Cartel on Nottingham
Also included in this recording are references to bandannas, waists, mice, bowls of rice (Apparently he eats them on sundays twice, because he's crazy.) and head lice. This song is considered by many to be to be the most accurate description of Nottingham ever committed to song because, as one fine citizen once said:"In all those damn musicals Robin Hood is either American, French, a fox, or any combination of the three."
[edit] Other Nottingham songs
[edit] Oh, Nottingham!
One of the most famous pieces of music in the world, "Oh, Nottingham!" was composed and perfected over a number of years by a plethora of top musicians and vocalists in the Famous 'Shitty Ground' football Stadium. The song's timeless lyrics are usually screamed obscenely at random passers-by, particularly along the banks of the River Trent and in the Derby-facing areas of the city. (In Nottingham, to have a Derby face means to look generally disgusted; as if one had just discovered a dollop of dogshit on one's upper lip and recoiled away from it in horror. Older owners of a "Derby face" look like someone has grabbed both lips and their nose and tugged and squeezed as hard as possible. For about 45 years. A Derby-facing area' is one that originally had little planning but now has all the facilities one might expect, albeit in the wrong places.)
[edit] Wok Dahn Pit
There is also a more modern song which reflects the current doom and gloom of the city of Snot:
We all used to work down the pit But now we can't afford our rent So let's shut down the lump of shit That sits beside the River Trent
It's not altogether clear which particular "lump of shit" is being referred to in the song, but it's clear to anyone with eyes that it's Meadow Lane Football Shed Mudbath Ditch Box stadium ground.
Reflecting the terrible gun crime in the city is a big fuck-off mirror, which the stupid fuckers who pay council tax stumped up £1 million for in the name of 'art'.
[edit] Untitled, by Anon Ymous
To the tune of "When the Saint come marching in".(sic)
Oh Nottingham Oh Nottingham Is full of guns Is full of guns Oh Nottingham is full of guns Its full of gangs, bullets and bodies Oh Nottingham is full of guns.
[edit] Culture/Hot-Spots
There are many places to visit in Nottingham, but travelers should be aware of a few 'hot spot' areas and possible problems related to these areas:
- Arnold - Truly epitomizes all that you can expect of Nottingham. it boasts 13 kebab shops which are ran by nearby Derby inhabitants and its postcode NG5 proudly holds the current title of most burgled postcode '09. Bulletproof vests are compulsory attire, but steel cap boots are merely recommended. Arnold park is the country's only existing port-a-key- a concept which amazes and confuses the rest of the english population, but was stolen by jk rowling.
- Netherfield - Common smells include: Cannabis smoke, dirt and fires. Common sites include some assorted rif-raf outside the Co-op, smashed vodka bottles on the railway station, riot vans and un-roadworthy cars. It is always a good idea to wear a hoody and look 'hard' to prevent assault.
- Cinderhill - Not even having a tram stop has made anyone have any idea where this place is, creating much confusion amongst the locals.
- Hockley - Problems include, being assaulted by Emos, Goths and drug addicts.
- Radford - where standing outside KFC is punishable by a bullet between the eyes
- St. Ann's - Problems include, being shot, being bricked, being assaulted and, most likely, then being shot again.
- Mapperley Top - Otherwise known as MT (MT Crew / MT's / The M to the T.....etc) Best avoided at all costs, unless you live there/want to visit a frequent haunt of Jackass/are Jackass. This is the highest place between there and the Alps. It is also, confusingly, partly in Nottingham and partly outside of it. Be warned that Jackass do not often venture into the Nottingham part, primarily because it is not the location of the Plains Fish Bar or the Blue Bell.
- Ruddington- Probably one of the quietest villages in Greater Nottingham... until some twatty 9 year old starts pissing about on a BMX cos they have nothing better to do.
- Carlton Square - Has a Bargain Booze who ignore all prejudices (mainly age).
- Nottingham City Centre (By night) - Problems include, getting drunk, having someone a nice helping of Rohypnol into your beverage, being shot, being mugged, being chased by people, being arrested for nothing (see **), being raped and, most likely, being shot. Another common problem faced by people (and tourists alike) when out on the town in Nottingham is the famous "I'm not druggie!"-man, this fellow is old crumbie tramp who proclaims that he is in fact NOT a drug addict, and he proves this by lifting his sleeves 4 inches up for half of a second. He demands money and tries to flog you a "Bigger Shoe" while he's at it....."When in Rome do as the Romans do..." hit 'im in the face.
- Clifton - The largest council estate in Europe, Clifton has now been perfected after initial teething troubles led to mass murders. It now has signs up near the shops proclaiming how great it is to be a Nottinghamian, which obviously eradicated all previous problems outright. Just don't fucking go there, or the K.K.K will have your wheel trims, right?
- Also watch out for the notable town centre rambler "Wycliff" who offers to sing you a song for money. Rumour has it he went out with Danni Minogue and got far too much crack off her. He clearly has smoked too much crack but has a lovely voice. Ask him to sing you a song about crack and Danni, its one of his best.
- Another familiar face in Nottingham, is Ozzy the tramp with the Australian accent. He is a well travelled man, and is always asking for money to fund a fictional train ride to London, his National Express coach trip to Luton Airport, or his flight to Ukraine. Usually found loitering around the taxi rank at Nottingham station on sunday mornings trying to get rich off traveling punters who don't speak much English.
- The oldest Tramp in Nottingham is Arnot Hill-Park. He is 102 (As of Jan 2007). He used to be a Captain of a Barge that trawled the Alimentary Canal (it starts at Nottingham and ends at Derby) but has been a vagrant since 1959. He loves Nottingham Forest and the BBC. He can read the future and is a regular behind the left lion outside of the Council House.
- Look out for the amusing 'Screaming Old Black Man' who likes to unpredictably stop, scream and stamp his feet.
- Look out for the insane ex-American boxer who likes to stand near bus stops and shout abuse at fellow black citizens who apparently aren't 'real niggars'
- Bulwell - Chav central, a nice place to go for a drink if you want to get followed into the loos and be glassed by the locals. Note the drive through KFC with bullet proof glass and the Scotsgrey pub which has now closed but did have a boxing ring in the upstairs room for the locals to "sort" out their differences. Most likely place to see fake burberry or neon lights under car wheel arches.
Notable bars/clubs
- The Drum - Lenton - voted most likely club to be shot in.
- Chambers - Town centre - most likely place to see bad karaoke, pregnant chavs chainsmoking and a fight.
- Marcus Garvey Centre - Most likely place to see someone shooting up in the toilets.
- the King Billy - most likely pub to smell of piss.
- Ocean - WOOHOO
- Oceana - wonder how long it took for them to look at another club in nottingham and put and 'a' after it.
** - Being arrested for 'nothing at all' is common in Nottingham, since its inception as the United Kingdom's first Police-State-City. Although most Nottinghamians proclaim that "They didn't do it!"/"I didn't shoot no fucker!"/"I 'a'nt even done nuffin'!"/" as they're carried into a riot van to be arrested and kicked shitless, no-one from outside of Notts can understand a fucking word the illiterate morons utter.
Figures do show a drop in arrests for offences such as "fuck all", "Nothing" and "Any and All Other Criminal Acts", but at least the paving slabs you die on will be new.
[edit] You Know You're From Nottingham When
1. When people say...."Wait you come Shottingham ...why aren't you dead yet".....You either come back with a remark or laugh and say they are Jealous
2. Goose fair is like religion
3. You know what a cob is and love mushy peas and mint sauce
4. Everyone has a story about the xylophone man
5. Everyone moans when the price of anything goes up.
6. Forest used to be talk of the town
7. You had school rivals
8. You have most likely been on one NCT bus that has crashed or had something thrown into it
9. The local pub you once loved has shut down....Bye bye potters
10. You avoid the charity workers down lister gate
11. Meeting place is the lions and always the left one near clarks
12. You have been into liberty's and got stuck to the floor
13. You remember MGM, Ruby Tuesdays and number 10
14. You remember that we did once have an odeon
15. You laugh at people falling over
16. When you dont' have an accent
17. When you moan about the goths and emo's taking over the market square
18. Some grocer person is shouting bag of banana's £1
19. When you you hate Robin hood, The castle and everything else that makes Nottingham, Nottingham until you speak to someone not from Nottingham
20. You understand, hate but overuse the word 'peng'
21. You moan like hell about living there, but always use it to your advantage...'am frum shottz yeah, ill murk u'
22.You purposely go out of your way to get a funny pose or rude gesture in the foreigners camera shot of the council house
23. 'The Works' under 18's night was were it was at
24. You walk that extra bit further through town in the shitty weather, just to take advantage of BZR's triples for singles (ohhh yeah)
25. First thing you look for in Oceana is Roger, the resident crack head dancer
26. you either don't pronounce your t's and h's, or moan about people that don't.
27. it's a personal attack when northerns call you southern and southerns call you northern.
28. you know that old revs sucks and don't go there, but head for new revs instead.
29. you know what garlic mayo is, and won't eat a kebab without it.
30. you know people from mansfield are inbreds, and bully them for it, even if they are your friends.
31. you know the german market comes at christmas and you head to town to see it and laugh at the foreigners.
32.You walk into bar circle on a sat and no u wont get served for ages
33. U got loveshack on a friday.. and u come out and ur shoes and feet r dirty...
34.You know and frequently use the word "mardy arse"
35.When you walk past the one-armed guitar player in town and think "wow that's amazing" but still don't give him any money.
36.you call everyone duck or some form of the word duck!
37.you love the guys who sit in there little boxes outside Vic centre shouting 'evenening post!!!!'
38.you miss the mozaic which used to outside the council house
39.youve been sick after drinking in Libertys but still carry on down to cucamaras
40.you hear one of the most impressive City Halls in the country referred to as "the Kahnsul ahss in slab square
41.you used to go to rollerworld, where mega bowl is to pull even though you were only 12
42.the ice stadium on a friday night was the place to be,
43.you can remember where Halfords was in market square.
44.you say cart oooooooons instead of cartoons.
45. you have turned white shoes black in love shack.
46.When you you get annoyed when your ordinary friday night out gets interrupted by "freshers week" in October and non-Nottinghamians crowd out the bars.
47.you've asked someone for directions who cant speak English
48. You need to pee and cant find a public toilet.
49. There were also always tramps collecting the 2p's from the fountains.
50.. Someone had always put bubble bath in the fountains.
51. when you/your mate/someone you know climbed a lamp-post to nick one of the Euro '96 flags that were hanging EVERYWHERE. (or sang FOOTBALL'S COMING HOME' In the Market Square on the opening night)
52. Fancy dress is something you do at least once a month!
53. The Bomb!
54. You've lost your mate coming out of vicky center loos because they they came on out the other side of the clock.
55. We know who the xylophone man was and we now have the saxophone man!
56. We all know about the tales of Forest road
57. You start knowing where the big issue people are and probably live. So take routes to avoid them.
58. You know what a greggs is
59. You have tried to get in a pub with fake ID
60. You went to under 18's night at the rig on Sundays and thought you was the best rocker ever to exist!
61. Life is just about taking the piss out of Derby
62. Famous people include Robin Hood and yes Torvill and Dean.
63. You've stood for a good 15 minutes waiting for that bloody fountain clock to chime, even though you've seen it a billion times before.
64. When the old water fountains in market square existed at least one time, it was full of bubbles
65. No matter how old you are, you still detour through broadmarsh to see if the monkey is still in Gordon Scotts.
66. You love the little blokes selling the Evening Post outside Viccie Centre.
[edit] Notable Residents
- The xylophone man - who will be dearly missed but now has a plaque outside H&M
- The mysterious saxophone player who used to own a room where he could fry eggs in bed! :D
- Some fat bloke Tory MP
- The Guitar Bloke - often sat near the donut van outside M&S, and is quite a local legend.
- The Penny Man - you'll see him wandering through the streets of Nottingham and Victoria centre with a large bag, if you throw pennies at him he will chase them. Only pennies!
- The gunman - often seen in more than one place at once pumping bullets into folk.
