Nothing
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
“Nothing is real.”
~ John Lennon on nothing
“'”
~ Captain Obvious on nothing
“There's never anything good there.”
~ Captain Understatement on nothing
Nothing is nothing that cannot be explained because there is nothing to explain about nothing. Except that Nothing has a thing for Everything. Nothing is an A+ answer and it is used everywhere so if it's nothing then why are we talking about nothing since there is nothing to talk about? Nothing started when nothing began, so if something is beginning consider it as nothing, it will delight you greatly. You must also remember that nothing is also something, so you can consider it as both nothing and something. If nothing is happening you get depressed, but if something is happening you get even more depressed when that something finishes. Sometimes this leads to suicide which can also be considered as nothing because it takes time, and if time is something it is also nothing. So if you're reading this article you must be either bored or nothing, which can also be something. If you want to be nothing you must leave the universe, which means that you will be something in nothing and the things inside of the universe will consider you as a something that is nothing at all, others may want to join you and become a something in nothing or nothing in something that we know nothing about, and if we know nothing about that something we therefore know something about it and that something is nothing.
But we must remember what was said earlier, nothing is something, so you must say both nothing and something when using either nothing or something in a common sentance. To achieve this almost impossible task, we do this something the American way; by simplifying nothing (or something). For example we can join both nothing and something together to form somenothingthing. The word somenothingthing is to be used as something and nothing because something is nothing and nothing is something. This something (or nothing) will be a required word added to each sentence of either something or nothing and as i just said something is two things because something is nothing. We could do the logical something by using the word "everything" as both something and nothing instead of somenothingthing and that will make everything a 4 worded word. And if everything is everything including nothing and something (or somenothingthing) each word is a 4 worded word regardless of if it is referring to a thing, nothing, something, somenothingthing and everything. Because of this the entire English language will have to be changed. This new English language; which is something and therefore as I have said earlier it is nothing, somenothingthing and everything; can be called 'English Somenothingthing'. To conclude this meaning of somenothingthing which is nothing and something and everything, if you add it up Everything contains 8 words due to the change in the English language.
“If nothing confuses you, then worry because it's about nothing and nothing may help you in life, and this text about nothing will not help you... (contemplate it...)”
~ Somebody on Nothing
“That was not an example of Nothing.”
For the most simplistic yet most explainable explaination of "Absolute Nothing", see the essay "Berashith" by A. Crowley (which can be found easlily online).
[edit] An example of Nothing
[edit] Nothing recipes
Flat Nothing
Take out a rolling pin. Roll it across the table. Serves no one.
Nothing Delight
On a clean plate, twirl your fork for a few seconds. Enjoy. (Serves 1)
Nothing Like It
Break all of your plates except for one of them, then take out the last one. (Serves 3)
Nothing Quite Like It
Break all of your plates, then drive to the store where you buy all of your kitchenware, and break all of their plates. (Serves 1)
Crispy Nothing
Heat a pan on the stove to 450 degrees for 1 minute, then preheat your oven to 350 degrees, making sure nothing is inside. After 10 minutes, open your oven. Wait until your house is in equilibrium with the oven. (serves 5)
Nothing Double Decker
In between two slices of sandwich bread, wave your hand twice, holding one of the slices 7 inches above the other. (Serves 2)
Nothing Upside-Down Cake
Turn pan over.
Inverse Banquet Cornucopia Extravaganza
Recipe coming soon!
Such a tasty delight, these treats will keep you hungry for more or less. Yum!
The Nothing Diet:
Don't eat.
This is our famous diet program which has helped many people to regain their long absent youthful self-image. This much publicized diet can help you lose weight, help you save money, save time by reducing trips to the restroom, reduce clothing costs by allowing you to "retro-fit" into your old clothing, even save space in your compact car.
Of course, there are more possible benefits than the obvious personal benefits. Another great use for our diet program is righting the wrongs of history. Use our diet program to make people take notice of your social concern. Many have changed the world or died trying using our great diet program! Please note: If you use our program to adjust the social climate please remember to get a good publicist.
This diet is back by popular demand.
[edit] Technical problems of Nothing
Nothing is the absence of existence. However, since there is an article about nothing, then obviously there has to be something, right? And then there's the name. Nothing has a name. That name is void. Therefore nothing has a name and therefore since there is nothing in nothing nothing has to be a concept. But that means it is something, but nothing is nothing, it's void, it's empty, there is nothing in it. But there is something there, there is a void. THERE IS A VOID. The void IS THERE. Right THERE in front of you, THERE IS A VOID. IT IS THERE. IT EXISTS!
Nothing is a word it is not a void it is not anything except for a word but that would mean it is something not nothing but nothing is a word to describe well.... nothing. It is not a void and you cannot die and join nothing because if anyone could die and just join nothing then nothing would not have even existed millions of years ago so therefore nothing is as the word states...
nothing.
... What you just saw is a blank. There is NOTHING ON THE PAGE except tiny particles of dust on my screen.
But that means there IS something on the page. (long sigh).
I think i'm going to give up now. I'm going to lay down and die and enter the VOID! But wait! That means that when i enter it, it will no longer be a void, there will be something in it! ME!
This is hopeless. Give it up buddy. you're going to learn nothing from this article. Darn. That means YOU ARE going to learn something. But THAT IS NOT NOTHING! RRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHH!
One version of the story of nothing goes as follows: Nothing started out as an ordinary nothing. However, it was sick of being misnamed so it worked hard, and harder, and harder until it became included in every darn song made by the Beatles. But even this wasn't enough, as it became power hungry and began invading the houses of ordinary people, dressed as encyclopedia sellers, door salesmen, and it also came in the form of pie-eating contest; a form no one saw coming. Nothing soon took over nothing and everything. It became CEO of CBS, which is why that channel has absolutely nothing, and sometimes even less than nothing, which is an incredible feat that ABC is trying to do itself.
Another version of the story of nothing goes like this:
Still others believe the following: Nothing has ever existed, in the sense that “it” hasn’t. Nothing wasn’t always called nothing. And at some point there were “intelligent” beings that “doubted, thought, and were”. Doubt was a thing. And they doubted the existence of so many things that virtually nothing escaped their doubt. Since nothing escaped doubt, it was thought that nothing was the only thing that was real. Never did they stop to doubt the thingness of nothing. Really, “it” was nothing, and therefore nothing to doubt. But still, nothing seemed all the more real.
Even more have come to believe this lie: After an eternity of doing nothing, “it” was so well known for “its” accomplishments that nothing was knighted by the Queen of Salmon.
[edit] Horacio's Philosophical Implications of Nothing
Nothing is the absence of existing. The human mind is incapable of comprehending something that doesn't exist, and it could be argued that simply by trying to imagine it we bring an approximation of it into existence, so the only "nothing" that can truly be called "nothing" is "nothing" that no one ever thinks about. Say "nothing" at least ten times, and listen carefully to the sound of it. The word then ceases to mean anything, but not even this nonsense nothing is close to the true nothing that doesn't exist in the minds of men, AND WOMEN.
To put it simply: Any form of nothing there is - on any level of existence - is "something", only that which is not is "nothing". Or even simpler: nothing does not exist.
Perhaps the simplest definition yet of nothing is this: nothing (n)--the active ingredient in homeopathic remedies.
Corollary (existence proof): You are presently reading all the proof necessary to demonstrate that nothing not only exists but if it did not, humans would be compelled to create it.
[edit] Empirical evidence: A statistical approach
- In order to fully comprehend the the ramifications of the following section, please carefully follow the instructions of the following link.
The question about nothing is heavily being disputed among scholars and research scientists. What the FAAAAAAAAAAA-AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUUUUUCKKKKKKKKKKKKKK ???!!!this all about I don't know, anyway, to continueee.....Based on statistics research at DumbBell Labs as part of Mathematical Sciences research, and also part of Computer Science research via a "dotted-line" relation a tradition of fundamental research driven by real-world applications going back to Walter Shoe and John Turkey shows that by continuing to focus on data from a host of challenging applications, new ways to think about, look at, and compute with nothing are being formulated.
Traditional statistical tools were used to analyze the wealth of data of nothing . The problem is perhaps most acute in the quest to understand how nothing interact to regulate nothing of loci, or locations around nothing. Such loci are often situated within nothing that participate in the same pathway as nothing being influenced, and a central goal is to understand this network of mutually influential nothingness and loci. Consider piecing together this puzzle for each of the many thousands of nothings and many thousands of potentially influential loci, and the old analytical tools simply can't keep up. In this article of nothing, statisticians and colleagues tackle the challenge with a new approach.
[edit] Nothing - The Chemical Element
Nothing is an element that defies description, easily the least reactive, it is virtually impossible to find a contaminated substance. It is recognized by its structure: no electrons orbiting a nucleus of no protons and no neutrons. Its oxidation states are something of a mystery. It has every possible oxidation state imaginable, since there is no element that it can't bond without being obliterated, yet it has none, since there are no valence electrons for it to share.
The alchemists trick of turning lead into gold may be something of a medieval quackery but the practice of turning Nothing into gold is not only achievable but easy (with the presence of gold)
Ng + Au = Au
In fact when Nothing comes into contact with any substance, Nothing is obliterated. Likewise when a substance is totally destroyed, Nothing is left. Harmful levels of the element have been detected on planet earth on multiple occasions. When the Americans dropped the Atom Bomb on Hiroshima, Nothing was left and thus the population became sick. Likewise, in several African nations where Nothing is eaten by the general public, famines usually strike. Nothing is the primary export of the Nothing belt.
| ||||||
| General | ||||||
|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|
| Name | Nothing | |||||
| Symbol | Ng | |||||
| number | 0 | |||||
| Physical Properties | ||||||
| Melting point | -0 °C, or maybe -0 °F | |||||
| Boiling point | +0 °C, or maybe +0 °F | |||||
| Tastes | Horrid | |||||
| Atomic Weight | 0 | |||||
| Known Isotopes | Ng-0 | |||||
| Electric Charge | 0 eV | |||||
| Properties Only Real Nerds Understand | ||||||
| Hefner Force | 0 | |||||
| Magnetic Domain Sensitivity | 0 | |||||
| Oxidation States | +0, 0, -0 | |||||
| First Ionization energy | -0 kJ/mol | |||||
| Second Ionazation energy | -0 kJ/mol | |||||
| Elector affinity | +0 kJ/mol | |||||
| Xenobilogical potential | ||||||
| Prototronic value | ||||||
| Iso-ptero-ortotronical protuberation status | ||||||
| Tachyon capability | ||||||
| Tachyon incapablily status | ||||||
| Unified physics using | ||||||
| Tachyon amel-thet field status | ||||||
| Pozitronic matrix capability | ||||||
| Teleinfiltration transphase coordination | ||||||
| Subatomic particle string state | ||||||
[edit] What does nothing look like?
Nobody knows what nothing actually looks like. If you could see nothing, then you wouldn't be able to see anything at all. Hence, you would be blind, and would not know what anything else looks like to be able to differentiate between nothing and something. Nothing is rumored to look like a plain-white space, but how could this be true if one could see it? It couldn't be, because it's nothing. You could say that nothing is transparent, but if it was, then how would you know if nothing was there or not?
It is much easier to say that nothing looks just like “it” tastes or smells. In fact, nothing looks the same as “it”sees, hears or touches. Of course, nothing feels great to space nudists. But they sometimes forget to exhale when they jump out of the spaceship.
[edit] Riddle about Nothing
What man loves more than life
Fears more than death or mortal strife
What poor men have, the rich acquire
And all contended men desire
What Misers spend and the Wastrels save
And each man carries to his grave
What would enjoy being sick
And the only thing worse than most chick flicks
[edit] Poem about Nothing
NOTHING LIKE A POEM IS WRITTEN HERE because there's nothing to write. (no, seriously, there IS a poem about nothing, except for reasons that it may be copyrighted, it is not allowed to appear). You'll just have to find the poem about nothing, in hopes that it has not disappeared into nothingness. Good Luck!!!
[edit] The Ultimate Truth of All Truths
The ultimate truth in the universe is absolute nothing exists. The only thing that is constant in the universe is absolutely nothing***. Nothing defines nothingness.
It is said "we come from nothing and shall return to nothing". Blame Eric Idle for this, though that Bowie chap with his "ashes-to-ashes" had it pretty much right, as ashes are pretty much nothing (but not actually nothing).
As Douglas Adams observed, with an infinite improbability anything can happen. The reciprocal of this, is that with 100% certainty nothing must happen simultaneously. Spontaneous temporal problems (such as the appearance of a small piece of fairy cake) can arise in this situation. Typically, someone eats this cake, thus rendering it (and the accidental appearance) back to nothing, correcting causality. The Total Perspective Vortex uses this mechanism to point out to the observer that they are, in fact, nothing. In a very big thing, which is also nothing. And then we get to M.C. Escher's etching of the two hands of nothing drawing each other. But that's another article, shurley?
See also a discourse on this by Nothing (0.) itself [1].
Actually The ultimate truth in the universe is 42, but nothing is a part of everything...so nothing also is The ultimate truth in the universe.
[edit] Common Criticisms
“Exactly the same, Proog! Nothing!”
~ Emo on nothing (to Proog)
Nothing can, and usually does go terribly, horribly wrong. This commonly results in good things happening, which is logically impossible. 27 out of 30 Beatles agree that nothing should be avoided at all costs.
[edit] What Isn't Nothing?
Nothing is the large piece of land commonly known as Russia.
Nothing is nothing if not itself. And it isn't itself, or anything else for that matter, which is the very thing that makes "it" exist. The selflessness of nothing is nothing of note. Due to this notoriety many existentialist works have been written to debunk nothing, and it worked! They have proved that nothing can possibly exist without itself. I don’t know about you, but I’ll take that to the bank! Note too the fact that nothing is in the very same sense that "it" isn't. It naturally follows that nothing is the same wherever you go. This is true in both senses, and creates a certain constant.
[edit] Summary
This page intentionally left blank, because Bastian was too scared to name the childlike Empress in a timely manner. See Never Ending Story.
[edit] This Section Has Nothing In It, Thats Why I'm Explaining Things In The Title, You See If It Was In The Article It'd Have Something In It Therefore Making Nothing Redundant, But You May Be Thinking "Hey IF Its Nothing Why Doesn't The Title Have Nothing, Well You Were Obviously Thinking Of Nothing When You Found This Article So Keep Thinking It
Nothing Is a contradiction of the word nothing because what do you think of when you think of nothing? You think of everything! Try It! I dare you... are you done?... Okay! Stop it and listen! You saw nothing or you saw a bunch of ramdomness to pop into you brain when you think of nothing. you think of a rubber duck!
Nothing is better than something. Because nothing doesnt talk dirt!!!!!!!
[edit] Buy Nothing Day
Buy Nothing Day is a cunning advertising plot, forcing you to buy twice as much the day before, thereby running up and even bigger credit card debt that you can be surcharged for and leaving NOTHING in your wallet. To compensate for this stroke of bad luck, try some retail therapy.
[edit] Nothing in popular culture
- There's nothing like a nice tune, is there?
- There's nothing on TV at the moment, which is why you're on the internet (or you're bored at school or work).
- According to "The X-Files," "Nothing Important Happened Today."
That'll not happen sometimes.
- Steve Perry's career, while once Something Else, is now Nothing.
[edit]
[edit] Explanation of the previous section
See how there's nothing at all under the previous section? That's to show what nothing at all is. Therefore, Uncyclopedia does a great job of explaining what nothing at all is.
[edit] Not for Nothing, but. . .
But what happens if you take Nothing and eliminate from it everything that does not exist, and then eliminate Nothing itself? And then eliminate what's not left? What do you have then, flyboy?
Huh?
[edit] Situations in which Nothing can be used
- Purgatory
- Zen Buddhism
[edit] How to see nothing
- Look at this:
- Type
about:blankin your browser's address bar.
[edit] See also
- A useful template for those interested in the subject
- Nothing belt
- Not Anything
- No
- Nihilism
- 'Tain't neither
- Thing
- The largest amount of nothing in any given place
- Nothingness
- A Related Link
- Everything There Is To Know About Everything There Is
- Seinfeld
- Something
- Air
- An alternate view on nothingness
 | This raid is natural, sinister VCR. The fritter is Ape-Shit Crazy, and panders minus the microcosm. If you pander to google this, you will most hoarsely detect Ape-Shit Crazy yourself. Or the evil secret Canadian mind-control device will oscillate your abdomen!!!!! |
