Notable Roller Coasters

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The following is an incomplete list of notable roller coasters, with explanations of them written by a biased and ignorant historian. There will be also pictures with big black arrows pointing to features of coasters.


Wooden coasters

Balder

This Intamin farting roller coaster is considered by many to be the best wooden coaster in the world. We don't know; the stench is too strong. According to some riders, it is even smoother than a baby's bottom, which probably explains the farting.

Beast

The longest wooden coaster in the world, this ride at Kings Island (which isn't an island, by the way). Likes to take people into the woods, quietly rape them, then the make them just sit as they spin around a huge track pointlessly.

Boulder Dash

A wooden coaster built into the terrain of a mountain. F*cking awesome, however the green train has been known to be slow and dumb. CCI effed up the trick track so GCI had to step in and fix it with an awesome triple up.

Colossus

This coaster at Six Fags Magic Mountain is a racing wooden coaster, which means that it has two tracks. Except that it doesn't race. Only side operates at any given time, and all the good bits are gone.

Cyclone at Coney Island

The World's most famous Roller Coaster has been around long before your Grandpa's day was around. Hence, "Back in my day, the cyclone was celebrating it's 50th birthday..." (See Coney Island)

Cyclone at Crystal Beach

CycloneOverview Large
Epic win.
This coaster, designed by Harry Potter, had to have a full-time nurse to revive passengers. After it injured too many people, engineers took out all the turns, rebuilt it as the Comet and sent it to the US.

Hades

This coaster drops riders straight into Hell. Unfortunately, hell is a tunnel under the parking lot.

Lightning

This ride killed a girl in the second day of it's operation. 20 minutes after she fell out, the ride resumed operation (That's some badass operators). This ride was also an early form of abortion due to it's bone snapping, dick ripping, baby killing, head cracking, old man fapping, cunt kicking kind of ride. This ride was built by a guy named Harry G. Traver, but with a safety record as poor as an old hooker, it might aswell have been designed by Intamin

Rebel Yell

Designed and built by Billy Idol.

Son of Beast

This ride used to have a loop, but they took it out because it was too smooth. Now it's crap (not that it wasn't crap to begin with). On the plus side, it does accurately replicate the feeling of riding on a jackhammer during an earthquake.

A (scumbag) bolt on the track gave all the riders whiplash. It was then shut, and later demolished.

T-Express

This coaster is the bastard child of El Toro and Balder. Really. You see, the guys who ordered it rode both El Toro and Balder, and then said to Intamin, "We want both, but with less farting and more cowbell." So Intamin built a coaster with less farting and more cowbell.

Thunderhead

This coaster has a "station fly-by" element, where the train dives into the station and attempts to kill as many people as possible. It therefore does not need a blocking system.

Yankee Cannonball

This coaster is a dogleg out-and-back, which means that it has a dog's leg in there somewhere.

Steel Looping coasters

Steel coasters can be lumped into two categories: looping and non-looping.

Anaconda

Anacondacoathanger
Coathanger design is very popular.
This coaster was made by Arrow; their trademark coathanger design can be seen before the corkscrews.

Batman: The Ride

This inverted roller coaster has been cloned way too many times, but not as many times as an SLC has.

Boomerang

A classic Vekoma design that does not look like a boomerang at all. It does, however, make a horrible "ker-chunk" sound and goes both forwards and backwards, as there is not enough energy to complete the circuit.

Bullet

This coaster was a transportable shuttle loop. It got torn down because Pink Flamingo Land wanted more pink flamingos.

California Screamin'

Despite its rather intimidating title, this coaster has failed to make the state of California, scream.

Corkscrew

An Arrow Dynamics design that has a drop and two corkscrews. Also a Vekoma design that has a helix.

Drachen Fire

Arrowcoaster
Original concept design for Drachen Fire. Arrow found a few more coathangers to expand the design into what was actually built (and later demolished).

This coaster's story is really cool. In 1992, Bolliger and Mabillard were told to build a coaster at Busch Gardens in Virginia. They were too busy doing Batman clones, so they told Arrow to do it instead. Unfortunately, Arrow was unable to translate B&M's confusing mathematical equations and CAD drawings, so they simply used a couple of coathangers to re-design it to their specifications. The ride was later torn down, but the Drachen survived and wants revenge.

Dryer Looping

This coaster used to get sloshed on beer at the Oktoberfest, and then run around Germany scaring the crap out of people by jumping out from behind things naked and singing the Oscar Meyer Wiener song. Then these guys with semi trucks would banish it to Great Britain, and it would sneak back to Germany. It moved to Mexico recently, and was last seen ordering thirty beer kegs. It has a dryer in it somewhere.

Eejanaika

A 4D coaster that Fuji-Queue High Land claims goes upside-down 14 times. It does not. [end of discussion] In keeping with the "queue" theme of the park, it does have a really really really long line, where you will be tormented by endless chanting of the coaster's title, accompanied by tambourines. If you don't go completely insane, there is a high chance of the chanting converting you to Scientology or some radical Islamic sect.

Euro Star

A coaster that used to run around Germany with its pants down until these guys with big semi trucks banished it to Russia for this. It has been sighted hiding under the English Channel.

Firehawk

A Vekoma flying coaster that was kicked out of Geauga Lake for attracting crowds. It now attracts crowds at Kings Island, and complies with the Cedar Fair policy of having at least one ride in every park with a name ending in 'hawk'. Now all that's left of Geauga Lake is a small water park and a construction site for more condos.

Great Bear

A boring B&M invert. It hates getting its supports wet.

Hydra

A boring B&M floorless. When it was built, people thought it had the world's first barrel roll before a lift hill. Unfortunately, Supersonic Odyssey beat Hydra to it.

Kanonen

This coaster has the world's smallest top hat. It also has a loop that is penetrated by a barrel roll. Unfortunately, it has to put up with nearby Balder and all its farting.

Kumba

A non-boring B+M sitdown. B+M's first attempt at being normal, they failed miserably. While the train did not feature standing passengers, it did have funky inversions that made it unique. An interesting point is that the first inversion is penetrated by the lift hill.

Laser

A Schwarzkopf double-looping roller coaster. For a while, it hung out at Dorney Park, but it got mistaken for a pedophile and was banished to Germany, where aparrently it's legal to do that. While in Germany, it met Olympia Looping, who taught it how to scare the crap out of people. So, Laser, now called "Testtrecke" (or something. Hopefully the name really has an umlaut...), took over the role of Dryer Looping (except without the dryer). The semi truck guys are afraid of it, because Olympia Looping said that if they try to banish Laser, it would stomp them flat. Since Olympia Looping is fucking huge, Laser is allowed to stay.

Manhattan Express

Like a mugging, this ride is expensive and bad for the head. The owners realized that the ride was causing brain damage to its riders and decided to replace the trains. The new trains also caused brain damage, but at least they looked prettier.

Mega Coaster

The bastard child of Manhattan Express and Great Adventures' Viper. Actually smooth.

Nemesis

This coaster was going to be a Batman clone (which was originally going to be an Arrow pipeline coaster, but Arrow had trouble bending two pieces of wire simultaneously), but these Roper guys complained. So the park modified the design and dug a big hole to put it in, in keeping with the park's theme of putting things in holes.

Olympia Looping

Dryer Looping's big brother, this ride carries on its little brother's tradition (scaring the crap out of people by jumping out from behind things). But it's bigger, so the semi truck guys haven't figured out how to banish it yet.

Orochi

A clone of Raptor at Cedar Point. Except that it's painted white (whereas Raptor is white because of the sheer amount of bird droppings covering the track), just like every other ride in the park.

Pyrenees

A "Super Batman" coaster; the bastard child of Superman and Batman.

Quantum Loop

A coaster that had two loops. It was killed in the Revolution of Dance Dance. It's notable because it starts with Q.

Rock 'n' Roller Coaster Starring Aerosmith

This coaster is in a box with pretty lights. It is property of the Disney company, and shakes, rattles, and rolls its riders.

Storm Runner

This coaster was built at Hersheypark to be used in a test for Hersheypark guests overall mental state. It uses hydraulics to launch the train over a big top hat and through a couple of inversions. Though it only lasts 24 seconds (despite a 5 week queuing wait) it somehow has become extremely popular. Hersheypark was surprised to learn that more than 99.99% people who visit their park are mentally challenged; Hersheypark is still laughing their asses off.

Scream!

This floorless roller coaster at Six Flags Magic Mountain is themed to the parking lot at your local Walmart.

Superman: Attraction de Acero

This coaster is not to be confused with any of the following:

  • Superman: Ride of Steel @ Six Flags New England (Intamin hyper)
  • Superman: Ride of Steel @ Six Flags America (Intamin hyper)
  • Superman: The Escape (glorified drop tower)
  • Superman Escape (Intamin rocket)
  • Superman Krypton Coaster (B+M floorless with huge-ass loop)
  • Superman: The Ride (Rock 'n' Roller Coaster naked)
  • Superman: El Ultimo Escape (Morgan hyper)
  • Superman Ultimate Escape (Intamin impulse thingy)
  • Superman Ultimate Flight (B+M flying coaster)

etc. It is located in Spain, and, due to the fact that someone had the blueprint upside down, has the dive loop on backwards. They tried to claim that they meant to do that, but it's pretty obvious to me that they screwed up.

Tatsu

This flying coaster has a huge pretzel in the middle of it, as well as an Egg Turn. As of yet, nobody has figured out how to eat the pretzel (which is 142 feet tall) or the egg turn, but many coaster enthusiasts, especially ACE members, have tried.

Ultra Twister

A TOGO design where the train runs between the rails. It can't turn corners, and therefore failed its driver's test. It was dismantled when Six Flags Astroworld closed and relocated to Six Flags America. Six Flags America, however, had enough trouble getting its own rides to run properly and never got around to rebuilding Ultra Twister.

Vampire

This coaster, at Wallaby Belgium, is a standard SLC. It has a vampire somewhere near it.

Viper @ Great Adventure

This coaster was most famous for being eaten alive by El Toro. Before it was eaten alive, it had a heartline roll and a bunch of rings.

Vortex

This was the first roller coaster in the world with six inversions when it opened at Kings Island in 1987. That record was beaten one year later when Six Flags Great America debued Shockwave, also known as Parking Lot: The Ride.

Windjammer

This coaster was at Knott's Berry Farm, torturing berry pickers. It was replaced with XLR8R, which is 1337 for "Accelerator."

X

This 4D coaster was recently revamped into X2, as its color scheme was deemed "too girly" by Six Fags Magic Mountain's new management. It is the same ride, but with fire effects that don't work and a more serious paint scheme. It still hurts and they can't get it to run right. When they tried to get their rebate, Arrow had already gone bankrupt.

X-Coaster

This coaster tends to stall upside-down when the power goes out. Why the park doesn't have a back-up generator, we just do not know.

Yun Xiao Fei Che

The only looping coaster that starts with "Y".

Zoomerang

A boomerang with a stupid name. The end of the looping alphabet.

Steel Non-looping

Apollo's Chariot

A non-looping steel coaster at Busch Gardens, mostly famous for bitch slapping Fabio with a rubber chicken after the first drop because his hair wasnt flowing in the wind perfectly.

Behemoth

The only coaster Canada is known for. At all. Diamondback vs. Behemoth vs. Nitro vs. Goliath wars are something you don't want to get involved in unless you look for trolls trolling trolls trolling trolls.

Diamondback

The kewl brother of Behemoth, this coaster thought it would be impressive to make people wet at the end of the ride. Unfortunately, it just pointlessly shoots up a jet of water which has a one-in-one-million chance of actually getting someone wet.

Goliath

Goliathhelix
Here it is.
This coaster was destroyed in 245 B.C.E. by David.

Intimidator 305

A ride with so many damn problems that Lake Charles Guy's official rant concluded its eventual shitty demise.

Kingda Ka

Kingda Ka

This coaster stands erect at over 456 feet tall in New Jersey. The ride starts out slow, and then the increasing thrust of the launch causes the train to go faster and faster until it climaxes. It does suffer from dysfunction from time to time due to difficulties transferring fluids between the ride components or when the hydraulic motors do not have enough drive. Sometimes this is due to the structures stiffening due to cooler weather. However, lightning tends to solve the problems. Also, it fails in rain. Always. So, if it's raining, assume Kingda Ka is broken.

As a result of the ongoing investigation into the breakdown of Kingda Ka, Six Flags Great Adventure has determined that in an effort to maintain their safety priorities, they have disabled the ride. With sincere apologies for the discontinuation of the famed roller coaster, they promise to spark "a new era in the history of roller coaster engineering." An apology on their website states: "It is of our utmost sorrow that we announce the disablement of Kingda Ka due to unsafe and inadequate safety measurements of the ride presented by the failure of the launch mechanism. We strongly regret the inconvenience to our sincere guests and promise to spark a new era in the history of roller coaster engineering."

Klotti Coaster

This coaster, also known as Heiße Fahrt is a "Bobsled" coaster according to Lord RCDB. It doesn't look like a bobsled, but it does have a helix of death.

Your Mother

This "coaster" was "built" when Hitler and Jesus were messing around while drunk. It is not popular amongst enthusiasts, due to the fact that it offers a very uncomfortable ride, with a total lack of airtime.

LisaBurger Banana

BananaCoaster
The Banana Coaster

The Banana coaster is a classic Schwarzkopf coaster in Sweden. It once crashed when a peel got wedged into one of the brakes and the train slipped.

Magnum XL-200

This coaster was the world's first hyper coaster. Arrow engineers spent all night drinking champagne in 1989. The coaster's name comes from the 200 Magnums consumed during that epic night. Unfortunately, the coaster's hyperness is causing it to sink, as it was built in quicksand.

Millennium Force

This is a coaster built at the turn of the millennium. It has a big drop. It might have forces somewhere, but we can't find them.

Spinball Whizzer

This coaster is at Alton Towers in England. Ever since I was a young boy, I've played the silver ball. From Soho down to Brighton, I must have played them all, but I ain't seen nothing like him in any amusement hall. That deaf, dumb and blind kid sure looks funny as hell being violently spun around on this otherwise disappointing ride. On the plus side, it occasionally whizzes on unsuspecting riders.

Steel Dragon 2000

This coaster is the longest in the world at over 8,000 miles long, and the tallest in Japan at 300 feet. It is also the most expensive coaster ever built, with a price tag of $50,000,000,000. It was so expensive because the Japanese needed the ride to have strong supports so it wouldn't break free and attack Tokyo.

Steel Force

This coaster is a Morgan Manufacturing Hypercoaster at Dorney Park. It is over 200 feet tall. It's logo was originally being used for Roller Coasters when that ride was to be called Banshee. Then some people claimed Banshee was offensive, so Cedar Point switched it's name to Mantis, ans Steel Force got stuck with the junky logo. Its a cool ride, except for some poorly placed brakes some blockheads put in mid-drop.

Superman: Ride of Steel @ Six Flags America

This coaster is not to be confused with Superman: Ride of Steel at Six Flags New England; the America one has lots of boring straight bits. Other than that, it is big, long, and forceful; just like you hoped Superman would be.

Superman: Ride of Steel @ Six Flags New England

This coaster is not to be confused with Superman: Ride of Steel at Six Flags America; the New England one has no boring straight bits. Other than that, it is big, long, and forceful; just like you hoped Superman would be. Recently, it got turned into Bizarro, which now has fucking 40-foot-tall flame jets. Sweet.

Top Thrill Phallus

TTD caught pissing
Top Thrill Dragster uses "Ready to Go" as its theme song, as demonstrated here.

This coaster is a slightly smaller version of Kingda Kawk at Six Flags Great Adventure in New Jersey. It stands erect, 420 feet tall, at Cedar Point in Sandusky, Ohio. As a result, Cedar Point feels less manly than Great Adventure. What a drag. History was made during this ride's construction, when a web-cam caught a construction worker putting his tool to use.

XLR8R

This coaster was the first to use the "Rocket Coaster" method of propulsion. In this method, the coaster is force-fed beans. When the gaseous pressure reaches a critical point, the vent at the rear of the train is opened, causing the train to shoot forward at incredible speeds, due to Newton's Third Law. Of course, this trick only works when the park has lots of beans. Since beans need sunlight, XLR8R is closed in the rain, along with everything else at Knott's Berry Farm.

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