Nostradamus

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Nostradamus

One of Nostradamus' more accurate predictions was the exact form of the "Westside" gesture.

Nostradamus di Polysorbate (b.1399 - d.1460 - r.1960)

This bisexual alchemist and paperback writer is most famous for inventing water, compiling and marketing the first telephone directory, and growing the first molestache. Six words he uttered during a rather boisterous wet dream led to the eventual formation of hair bands. He was also credited with having the most hairy back of any man to ever have lived.

The Prophecies

Nostradamus was regarded as one of the best prophecy writers of the 13th century, penning the bestsellers The Da Vinci Code and 1984 which both won Ivor Novello Awards for their lyrical content. Most prophets of his generation were stoned, but he was more unconventional, preferring to inject marmite. Amongst his prophecies, he managed to have several published in popular science journal The Bible, and he is largely credited for the recent popularity of The Book of Revelation.

The Predictions

Some of his more notable predictions of future events are summarised in the table below:

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DateEventWas he right?

25th December

0 A.D.

The Birth of Jesus Christ, savior of the human race and self-titled "Superstar", to parents Mary Queen of Scots and King God I of Heaven, in a manger with no crib for a bed.

Correct - although the manger was actually a brothel, temporarily used to store livestock while the club was under investigation for Mafia connections.

21st January

1444 A.D.

The death of Joe Tailor, a tailor from Sunderland, stricken with the plague.

Correct - Joe died aged 40 with final words "Let Doris have my teeth."

1st July

1460 A.D.

The death of Nostradamus, by a completely unavoidable and unpredictable accident involving a noose and a bucket.

Correct - Nostradamus himself died that very day in exactly the way he predicted he would. What a guy.

1st September

1939 A.D.

The outbreak of a Great War in which millions would die, terrible events would befall the Jews of Europe and for the next five years the entire world would be turned to black and white.

Correct - this was the year in which the blockbuster World War II began filming in Poland, taking five years to complete and leading to the suicide of its director, Adolf Hitler.

6th September

1977 A.D.

The invention of a hideous new weapon which will threaten life on Earth with total annihilation. This terrible device falls into the hands of the world's greatest superpower, who swears to use it only as a defense in the battle against hostile alien invastion. Correct - Meatloaf released the album Bat out of Hell, which is perfectly described by the prophecy.

March 5th

1984 A.D.

The entire world is converted to a fascistic communist oligostate with imaginary macronations introduced to keep people loyal. Observation is carried out on all citizens and the fictitious leader Big Bertha rules all. The year 1984 will become synonymous with an omnipresent surveillance system and repeatedly cited henceforth by all those who want an excuse to moan about CCTV. Incorrect - although communism did exist in 1984 is was quickly covered up by the CIA. Omnipresent surveillance wasn't feasible at this time but boy, did they try. Bertha actually did exist, she grew up to marry a farmer in Ohio, she had four children and died on the 2nd of February 1984 aged 39 from a shotgun injury.

1st January

2000 A.D.

The Apocalypse - the final battle 'twixt good and evil in which the chosen would enter the kingdom of Heaven and the rest would carry on their mundane, gay-marryin' fetus-killin' lives on Earth.

Incorrect - although it was recorded as the biggest collective hangover in the history of alcohol.

1st January

2001 A.D.

Ah, but we're forgetting that A.D. started at one! Hang on, renormalise... ok, The Apocalypse - the final battle 'twixt good and evil etc. etc.

Incorrect - although the smug few who postponed millenial celebrations until now felt a little miffed that their party wasn't quite as bangin'.

31st March

2004 A.D.

The Catholic Church is threatened by the Illuminati, a shadowy group of militant atheists, who attempt to blow it up with a nonexistant pseudoscientific plot device.

Incorrect - although the Pope's state of health did decline somewhat during this year.

14th January

2005 A.D.

The UK National Lottery numbers will be 13, 16, 29, 10, 22 and 6. The bonus ball will be 2.

Incorrect. The incompetent fucking bastard.

1st January

2006 A.D.

Right - this is it. The Apocalypse's got to happen at some point, so why not now.

To be confirmed.

See also

Other prophets:

Machines which can predict the future:

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