Northerners

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“Up wed be gurtly the fuinest finers un de uole lund!”
~ A Northerner on Northerners
“I was on benefit once, when I lost my legs to Herpes”
~ Oscar Wilde on Northern Income
“If you encounter a Northerner; look pissed and miserable like them to avoid assault”
~ Handbook on Northerners
The north
Northern Architecture; flawed at best.

Northerners (or 'Nuffenurs' if you speak their lingo) reside in The North of England and are world-renowned for being lazy and unemployed. The average Northerner is a big, hairy brute with room-temperature IQ and determined to look proud about something. They are, however, exceptionally devious if they sense personal gain and thus appear pathetic and upset to their council so they can claim benefits.

edit Their Habitat

Ugly-men
Northern men who have reached adolesence.

The Northerner is a creature without dreams of riches or even being above the bread-line financially. Most choose to live in densely-populated areas where house prices are cheap, due to their poor upkeeping and for the ability to make friends (or mates) to provide a shoulder to cry on and a cupboard to steal from. These areas are often rife with crime, which a Northerner would dismiss as 'someone trying to make friends', oddly by smashing the windows of their neighbour's car. Their abode, known as a 'council house' is home to the Northern man, angry and miserable; the Northern woman, sarcastic and unsatisfied, and up to eight children (or young offenders as they are known officially.) Their habitat is dominated by the father who plays a soul weary of a hard life, though he has never done a hard day's work since his schooling. The woman is in charge of everything, from cooking and cleaning to managing the children and, in later years, locking the man out and divorcing him. All of this is repeated across the dense housing area in over a thousand families in what is known as a 'housing estate.'

edit A Northern Lifestyle

The Northern man spends his time in two places:

1. The bed
Ugly people
A Northern child; doomed from birth to poverty.

2. The bath. As far as he is concerned his work days are over the moment he left school. They are quiet creatures who sit and smoke hand rolled cigarettes and drink weak tea, followed by cheap lager in the evening. The woman is an overworked creature who is depended on by the whole family. As a result she adopts a sarcastic attitude and next to no social life. When the cubs mature into the 'teens', a hormone in her body triggers her to lock the Northern man out of the house and in later months divorce him and move on, believing she is still a young woman. The children of the Northern man and woman have differing lifestyles, depending on their gender. A male will enter boyhood a foul-mouthed and violent child and will remain so until their teenage years. At that time their violent side will sharpen and the child will attempt to fight everything he sees. Finally in the late teens he will find work in the building trade for a few years before he can claim benefit; by then he will have found a female and have two offspring already. The female child will adopt a bossy nature throughout their school years. Then at high school they become overweight and low-toned, looking for a male to latch onto. When they find one they settle in a council house, and the female then spends the rest of her youth in the kitchen or tending her very many children.

edit Diet

Northern cooking can come in two forms; it either looks good but tastes terrible or looks terrible but tastes alright. The first form is the most common, as claiming benefit and the shrewdness of the Northern man causes the usual diet to consist of what other people refuse to eat. E.g: Chicken refuse, out of date vegatables, cheap soup, etc. All of the said 'food' is unlovingly prepared quickly by the female amidst sarcastic remarks and the male's constant demand for a 'brew' (a cup of tea).

edit Middle Age

When the Northern man reaches middle-age, the woman becomes very aggressive towards him as she finally realises that he is a lazy bum and that he has ruined her life. In the following months the woman becomes increasingly aggressive until the night she packs her bags and leaves forever to seek love elsewhere. At this time the children are in the teenage years and the events prior only exacerbate their violent side and self-pity. The man, however, being proud pretends that he threw HER out and spends the rest of his days surrendering his benefit money to his children and smoking and drinking. The children, however, with their whole lives in front of them follow the same fate as their parents; thus the proccess begins all over again.

edit Religion

The Northern religion consists mainly of football; the males flocking to the television to watch over-paid Spaniards tap the ball to one another for 90 gruelling minutes. Meanwhile the female is required to supply the males with nourishment (lager) and to distract the offspring for the duration of the match. The football religion causes the Northern man to become angry and restless at the foe. This has resulted in mass battle twixt the two sides and has caused a passive civil war to erupt in England with well over 20 factions.

edit What to do when faced with a Northerner

If one night you are heading home after over-time at the office and you encounter a Northerner, there are many aspects to consider; the most important being what gender and age that Northerner is. If a teenage Northerner, either boy or girl, you can expect a series of insults that are crafted to provoke you. Please remember that in order to retain calm you must simply ignore him, as any retorts will resort in the Northerner challenging you to a duel - the one thing at which the Northern young are proficient. If you do feel like bashing the yob's head in with a lead pipe, my advice is to remember how tragic the Northerner's life will be compared to yours and walk on with that thought being repeated until you realise that these creatures should be pitied, not hated. If you encounter a Northern man, however, you should run home quickly as he will follow you like a dog, trying to make you understand the tragedy of his life and your duty to become his 'mate' so he can arrive at your house uninvited, talk about himself and then try to carry off the contents of your fridge and life savings. If you do feel pity for this sad specimen, just remember that all the tragedy in his life was caused by one thing; himself. A Northern woman acts much in the same way as the man, only she will complain about her husband and look on enviously at your house, rather than try to inherit it from pity. In a way these creatures can be trusted; just remember that they are clearly jealous of your possessions and this will likely accelerate the process or divorce twixt her and the male, so it is a tactical decision when you see yourself presented with a Northern woman.


Now that you are educated in the Northerner species, you should be aware of their behavior and intentions. Please spread this advice to your peers to make sure you and your folk are not future victims of the North of England and their silly, silly lives.

edit See also

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